Another Reason Not To Lose The Remote

Here's an interesting story: In a pinch, NASA can now land the space shuttle by remote control.

Well, that's just great. If they can start laying off freakin' astronauts, what hope do the rest of us have?

Damn Pesky Constitution

The Supreme Court has ruled against President Bush's plan to use military tribunals to try terror suspects being held at Guantanamo Bay. The court basically said that the President's plan was in violation of the Constitutions most basic idea: The separation of powers.

You know, Bush's job would be a lot easier if we just got rid of the Constitution and all those stupid rights it keeps guaranteeing.

Up In The Sky! It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's... A Blog Entry

Saw the new Superman today, and I came out of the theater very, very impressed. The reviews I've seen for the film are a little lackluster, but what else can you expect from actual movie critics? They look for boring things like character development and intellectual stimulation. And let's be honest: Those of us out here in the real world don't give a crap about that kind of stuff. If we wanted intellectual stimulation, we'd read a damn book.

What matters to you and me is simply whether or not a movie is fun, or if it makes us laugh and cry, or whether lots of things go BOOM! And in those departments, this new man o' steel does not disappoint. Things take the better part of a half hour to get rolling, but once Superman goes after that plane, we know we're in for a good time.

Brandon Routh is pretty good as the man from Krypton (he doesn't spend a whole lot of time as Clark Kent). Kevin Spacey makes for a much more sinister Lex Luther than Gene Hackman. Parker Posey plays Lex's woman friend with a touch of a conscience. Frank Langella's Perry White was the one disappointment. He just wasn't quite gruff enough.

But the best character in the movie was by far Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. She was much better in the role than Margot Kidder, who always struck me as being something of a ditzy whiner. Bosworth's Lane, on the other hand, not only has a brain but a serious set of balls on her.

Oh, and without revealing any serious spoilers, there's a surprising--how shall I put this--"Luke Skywalker" kind of twist in the middle of the movie.

On the other hand, there is one little thing that bugged me about the movie, and it's the same thing that bothered me about the Christopher Reeve films as well: Why does Superman's cape flap in outer space? It's a freakin' vacuum, for crying out loud!!!

Then again, that question comes perilously close to being about intellectual stimulation, so I should probably just drop it.

Pass The Chopsticks

A lot of people around here are complaining about all the rain, but not me. I've decided to take advantage of the weather and make some money off it.

I'm planting a rice paddy in my backyard.

Pass The Soap

Rush Limbaugh, who has been trying to work out a deal with prosecutors in his illegal prescription drug case, is in more hot water. Customs agents at the Palm Beach airport found a bottle of Viagra in his luggage as he was returning from a vacation. The problem is--well, aside from the obvious problem in his pants--that the prescription label on the bottle was not in his name.

Well, if nothing else, the Viagra will make him the most popular inmate on his cellblock.

It's All In The Definition

The White House now says that the United States has, in fact, drafted a plan for possibly withdrawing troops from Iraq. According to the proposal prepared by General William Casey, which is but one option being considered, two of the 14 combat brigades currently in Iraq would be withdrawn in September. Another five or six brigades would come home during 2007.

Hmmmm.... Let me make sure I got this right: When Republicans suggest bringing troops home, it's okay. But when Democrats do the same thing, it's called "cut and run."

Someone Turn Off The Spigot

It has always been my position that if I wanted to live in a motherfreakin' rain forest, I would move to Brazil. But since I live in North America instead of Asia or Africa or wherever the hell Brazil is, it should be fairly obvious that I do NOT want to live in the aforementioned rain forest.

Even worse, if I lived in Brazil, I might have to learn to appreciate soccer.

Yet living in a rain forest is pretty much what life has become along much of the east coast. For example, much of the DC area has received over 10 inches of rain since yesterday morning. As a result, many primary roads were closed this morning. Even the inner loop of the Capital Beltway was closed due to a freakin' mudslide.

Yes, a mudslide! In DC. Hell, if I wanted to worry about motherfreakin' mudslides, I'd move to California. I mean, what's next? An earthquake? Wildfires? Braless women in haltertops rollerblading down Constitution Avenue? Okay, so maybe California wouldn't be that bad after all.

Numerous other roads were closed, several subway stations were forced to shut down, countless creeks overflowed, and a tree toppled on the White House lawn (possibly shot by Dick Cheney).

On the bright side, the basement of the IRS building flooded.

Shortcomings

The FBI has arrested seven men in Florida in a terrorism case. Allegedly, the individuals were involved in the early stages of a plot to attack the Sears Tower in Chicago.

I don't mean to be rude, but what is with terrorists and destroying tall buildings? Are they trying to somehow compensate for their short penises?

Well, Sounds Like They Learned Enough

Last year Andrew Jacobs broke into a townhouse in Vienna, Virginia, and attacked two ten year old sisters. There was a brief struggle, but thanks to their recent karate lessons, the girls were able to fend off the intruder long enough for the parents to make it to the bedroom. At that point Mr. Jacobs fled, sporting a bite mark and several bruises.

At first glance it may seem relatively obvious that this guy is some sort of pervert who targets children. Or perhaps he's some sort of petty burglar who's break-in went awry when the family fought back.

If you thought that you would be wrong, for Andrew Jacobs' motives were much more noble and understandable. Indeed, he would be justified in using Tony Soprano's mantra: "I'm a businessman."

You see, Jacobs is--er, was--a karate instructor. He specifically targeted the twins because they had been taking karate lessons from him but then dropped the class. He was hoping that by breaking into their house, tying them up, and stealing a few items, he would convince the parents to sign the girls up for more lessons.

Maybe he should have been a marketing consultant for Enron.

Who Elected This Guy?

Who's the idiot who writes Bush's speeches? The President is currently visiting Budapest and just delivered a speech saying that the Hungarian revolt against the Soviets should inspire the Iraqis.

Um.... Maybe someone should explain to Bush that the 1956 revolt was all about expelling an occupying foreign power.

Screwed Up Priorities

The National Guard has been called up to help in cleanup efforts in Texas and Louisiana. Parts of those two states were recently hit with torrential rains. Parts of Houston received as much as ten inches of rainfall, resulting in severe flooding.

It is unclear who will be taking of Iraq if American troops are forced to waste their time helping Americans.

How Marriage Can Kill You

A man in Anne Arbor, Michigan recently proposed to his girlfriend. She wasn't entirely sure if she was ready, however. To prove to his beloved that sometimes in life you have to take risks, the man stripped naked, jumped out a first floor window, and ran across the street with the intention of running right back.

Unfortunately, before he could make his triumphant return, the man saw a couple coming down the sidewalk and he decided to hide in some bushes. But the guy coming down the street then spotted a pair of naked feet under the bushes and pulled out a gun. The naked boyfriend decided to make a run for it and the other guy fired, wounding him.

Police showed up and charged the gunman with aggravated assault and carrying a concealed weapon. The naked guy wasn't charged, however, probably because his weapon wasn't concealed.

Love

Police in Maryland have arrested a Felicia Nicole Henley in the robberies of several drug stores and--most brazen of all--a Dunkin' Donuts. After all, a cop could have walked in at any moment. Police also arrested her husband, Joseph Gordon Henley, for the attempted robberies of a deli and a McDonald's.

It's truly touching to see a loving couple like Felicia and Joseph pursuing similar interests and common goals. Such heartwarming tales reaffirm the sanctity of marriage--heterosexual marriage. Could a sinful, same-sex type union could have produced such soulmates?

I seriously doubt it.

Zombie Alert

Brad Pitt's production company has outbid one owned by Leonardo DiCaprio for the movie rights to an upcoming zombie book called "World War Z". That book, in turn, is a sequel to 2003's "Zombie Survival Guide," which was something of a cult hit.

This is only appropriate, since Pitt has spent much of the last two years following Angelina Jolie around like a mindless zombie anyway.

But Was It Life Size?

In a blatant case of censorship, administrators at Langley High School in Virginia went through 1600 copies of the yearbook and used a hole puncher to remove an offensive image. On the other hand, if they had not done so and allowed the picture to remain in the books, western civilization would have ended up collapsing.

The offending image was that of a snow sculpture done in the back of a student's pickup truck.... Of a really big (GASP!) dick.

And no, I don't mean Vice President Cheney.

The picture had apparently been missed by the yearbook's faculty advisor and thus made it all the way to publication. But when Principal Bill Clendaniel finally spotted it, well, it just had absolutely had to go. Heaven forbid that the parents should see it.... Even though if they're parents, one of those things was probably involved in the early production of their offspring. So out came the whole puncher, and out went that horrible picture.

Considering the state of today's high schools, if this is the worst crisis Mr. Clendaniel has had to face all year, he should be thankful.

---------------The Washington Post

Get The Buzz

All too often today's kids get a bad rap. Adults complain that they're lazy, are ignorant, or whatever.

Horsefeathers! The fact is that when properly motivated, the youth of today can be truly innovative.

For example, here's an inspirational story about how teenagers have discovered a high-pitched ringtone that adults--such as evil teachers who prohibit the use of cellphones in class--can't hear. The new ringtone is in such high demand that some sites are selling it for $2.99 or more.

The sound is best described as that of a mosquito. In fact, the idea came from a device (appropriately called "The Mosquito") initially developed as a "teen repellent" intended to annoy teenagers and keep them from loitering in public places. Meanwhile, adults would be immune to its effects since they wouldn't be able to hear it. The theory is that as one gets older, the ear begins to lose its ability to discern high frequency sounds. This decline begins as early as age 20.

The Mosquito was apparently first hijacked for use as a ringtone by someone in Scandinavia or England and quickly took on a life of its own.

I even downloaded it myself, and now I'm getting a lot fewer calls from bill collectors.

And In This Corner We Have Ann 'The Taliban' Coulter

Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't we been repeatedly told that the terrorists want to kill us because they hate our freedoms? Again, maybe I'm fuzzy on this, but don't those freedoms include freedom of thought, freedom of political expression, and freedom of religion?

Well, if you agreed with the above statements, you're every bit as misguided as me. Thank God conservative commentator Ann Coulter is out there to set us straight!

Ms. Coulter has written a new book called Godless: The Church of Liberalism. In it she accuses several of the 9-11 widows of using the deaths of their husbands for political gain. Coulter goes as far as to refer to the group as "the witches of East Brunswick," a reference to the New Jersey town where two of the women live.

And what horrible things did these women do, you may wonder? They pushed for an independent commission to investigate the security and intelligence failures that led to the 9-11 attacks and--GASP!!!--endorsed John Kerry for President in 2004.

Endorsed Kerry? Pushed for an investigation into the deaths of 3,000 Americans? What the hell were these women thinking? Even worse, it's because of that commision that we learned that both the Clinton and Bush administrations ignored intelligence warnings and squandered numerous opportunities to eliminate Osama bin Laden.

And We're Off!

Good news, everyone! The first tropical depression of the 2006 hurricane season has formed in the northern Carribean. At the moment its still rather weak, but the aptly named Tropical Depression One is expected to strengthen. Once the winds hit 39 mph it will become a named storm: Alberto. Meteorologists do not, however, expect the storm to reach hurricane status.

Meanwhile, it's good to see that our Commander-in-Chief is fully prepared for whatever Mother Nature may send our way.

Maybe He Was Framed... Literally

New reports indicate that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was still alive when US troops arrived on the scene. He actually died on a stretcher while medics were attempting to treat his wounds. No word on whether he had an opportunity to pick out that lovely picture frame himself before dying.

Damn shame he didn't live longer. If there was any justice in this world he would have lived long enough for us to chop his damn head off. After all, if it was good enough for his victims, it should be good enough him as well.

And did you see Al-Qaeda's take on Zarqawi's death?

"We want to give you the joyous news of the martyrdom of the mujahed sheik Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

``The death of our leaders is life for us. It will only increase our persistence in continuing holy war so that the word of God will be supreme."

Very eloquently put. In fact, it inspires me to want to give the whole bunch of them even more life.

Frankly, I've never understood the whole 72 virgins thing. First of all, I'm not sure what the big appeal is. I'd rather, er, 'do it' with someone who doesn't need constant coaching on what goes where. Secondly, what happens after you're done with your allotment of virgins? Is that it for the rest of eternity? Do you never again have sex? Do you just spend the rest of forever jerking off?

Perhaps I should read the Koran and see it it addresses these important issues.

It's For My Cats... Really... I Swear

A few weeks ago I bought one of those water bowls for my cats that recirculates the water. One drawback, however, is that if a little chunk of food or whatever gets in there and sinks to the bottom, you're kind of stuck with it. Otherwise you have to unplug the unit, remove the water reservoir, and then finally rinse out the whole thing. It's just too much of a pain in the tuckus for someone as lazy as myself. That's how I came up with the idea of buying a turkey baster to basically "vacuum" foreign substances out of the bottom of the bowl.

So today on the way home I finally remembered to stop somewhere and buy one. But then, as I'm walking around the grocery store with this turkey baster in my hand, all I could think of were the various TV shows where women attempt to get pregnant using semen filled turkey basters. That's when I began to feel very self-conscious about the stupid turkey baster. I could even imagine standing at the register and the cashier getting on the storewide and announcing a "Price check on a turkey baster for the single pervert at aisle six."

That's when I decided to also buy something a lot less embarassing for a guy.... Like a box of tampons.

Nailed

I'm always bitching about how the Bush administration wants good news reported out of Iraq even when there is none to be found, so let's give credit where credit is due. There is FINALLY something positive to report: Al Qaeda's top man in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, was killed a few days ago in an air raid. The body has been positively identified through fingerprints.

Now can we please bring the troops home?

Speaking Of Stereotypes

And while we're on the subject of religion, have you heard about this terror plot that was broken up in Canada? 17 men--who purely by chance happened to be middle eastern--were arrested in the probe, including one who was planning to kidnap and behead the Prime Minister of the country.

Now, I don't mean to perpetuate stereotypes or anything, especially since I realize that Islam is a peaceful religion, except when they're busy blowing themselves up, but what is about Muslims and their wacky obsession about chopping heads off?

Absolutely True Story

I'm not sure, but I think God just played a joke on me.

I had previously avoided watching Big Love, not because I was offended by the polygamist storyline but simply because of time constraints. But last week HBO reran the first 11 episodes, and since most everything else I had been following had gone into summer repeats, I decided to record them. After all, it's always best to occupy one's mind with mindless television.

This week I've been working my way through them, which is why I came home early today. So I'm sitting there, minding my own business, watching Bill Paxton carry on an "affair" with his wife Jeanne Tripplehorn behind the backs of his other two wives, when there was a knock on my door.

So I paused the DVR, opened the door, and who do I find standing there? Two Mormon missionaries!!! They introduced themselves as Elder Something or Other and Elder So and So, and all I could do was stand there in total, absolute, stunned disbelief. I finally just closed the door in their faces, which I now feel bad about.

I should have instead invited them in to watch the show. It would have been fun.

Where's That 'Ride Of The Valkyries' Music Coming From?

Not that it carries any special significance, but today's date is 6-6-6. I would have more to say on that, except I'm going outside to watch those four flaming horsemen that keep riding back and forth across the sky. Looks kinda cool.

What Will One Cowboy Never, Ever Say To Another Cowboy Again?

Someone recently emailed me a list of "Top 10 Old West phrases that will never sound the same after Brokeback Mountain." I tried to track down its origins, and while it's been kicking around the web for a while (sorry--I've been busy procrastinating), I can't tell who first came up with it. The list does, however, sound suspiciously like something David Letterman would have cooked up.

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret -- I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. "You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"




P.S.
Don't worry--I only procrastinate in the privacy of my own bedroom.

Bananas

In the past I have written some posts opening mocking televangelist Pat Robertson. I would now like to publicly apologize for them. I was wrong to mock his position on evolution, or his call to drop a nuclear bomb on the State Department in DC, or his declaration that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez should be killed, or that Hurricane Katrina was God's retribution against New Orleans' loose morals. Mr. Robertson is a great man, and I have nothing but complete respect for his intellect, his TV show, and his ability to speak on behalf of the lord God almighty. This change of heart is completely sincere and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Pat could snap my spine in two with his bare hands.

It seems that the 76 year old religious leader claims that he recently leg pressed 2,000 pounds. Now, just in case that number isn't already impressive enough, consider that one sports writer says that the leg press record for football players at Florida State University is 1335 pounds. And according to a strength-training coach at Old Dominion University, anything over 1000 represents a "Herculean effort."

If I didn't know better, I'd say these people are suggesting that Pat is, well, lying. That, of course, is an outrageous accusation. After all, Pat Robertson is a man of God.... One that has in the past openly called for the murder of thousands of innocent people, but hey, even the most devout religious leaders among us are only human....

Some of us have just held on to our monkey brains longer than others.