Tuesday, May 31, 2005

What? Deep Throat Wasn't Linda Lovelace?

In August of 1974, Richard Nixon resigned as President after it became clear he would be impeached for his role in covering up the Watergate break-in. Arguably, the only reason things got to that point was because of the dogged determination of two Washington Post reporters, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, who stayed with story. The two of them relied heavily on an anonymous source who came to be known as "Deep Throat." And aside from Deep Throat himself, only four people knew his true identity: Woodward, Bernstein, Post Executive Editor Ben Bradlee, and the paper's owner Katherine Graham (who died a few years ago). The four of them had long said that they would reveal the real name of Deep Throat only after his or her death.

And that's where matters have stood for the last 30 years. Periodically, someone would come out with a best guess or a short list of suspects, but the journalists would remain mum on the matter. Others have suggested that there was no Deep Throat, that the name was actually a composite of several different sources. Whenever that particular theory popped up, the Post people would at least deny that.

Over the years, dozens of possibilities had surfaced. The list of possible suspects included a number of Nixon White House officials such as David Gergen, Pat Buchanan, Henry Kissinger, Alexander Haig, and even Diane Sawyer (she worked in the White House Press office at the time).

Most recently, rumors surfaced last winter that Deep Throat was seriously ill and may soon die. This happened shortly after Chief Justice Rehnquist was diagnosed with cancer, and speculation quickly centered on him. After all, he had been a top official at the Justice Department during the Nixon administration and would have had access to sensitive files. But again, there was neither confirmation nor denial from the few people who knew the real Deep Throat.

And that was where things stood.... Until this afternoon.

That's when Washington's favorite parlor game of Guess Deep Throat's identity finally came to an end today when family members finally came forward to reveal that the world's most famous anonymous source was W. Mark Felt, former number two man at the FBI. Officials at the Washington Post have since confirmed his identity.

Felt is now 91 years old, living in a California nursing home, and suffering from the effects of a stroke he had several years ago. As to what his reasons were for going to the press, well, one can only speculate. And rest assured that there will plenty of that during the next several days.

Regardless of Mr. Felt's motives 30 years ago, he deserves a word of thanks for reminding Americans that no one is above the law. Most importantly, even if the people are rotten to the core, the system itself is still sound.

Quite frankly, he also deserves one hell of a lot of admiration for keeping silent all this time and not cashing in on his secret. This was something that could easily have gotten Felt a ten million dollar book deal. Whatever else one may say about what he did, that alone speaks volumes.

Remember What Happened The Last Time

In a major setback for attempts to create a "United States of Europe," French voters have rejected the proposed constitution for the European Union. Nine other countries, including Germany, have already ratified the document, which would have created a "President of Europe," given the Union a foreign minister, and made voting faster among member nations.

This is an extremely dangerous move by the people of France. Are they really sure they want to go pissing off the Germans again?

Monday, May 30, 2005

Memorial Day, 2005

---------------Andrea Bruce Woodall, The Washington Post

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Rolling Thunder

In what has become something of a Memorial Day weekend tradition here in DC, several hundred thousand motorcyclists rolled into town. And these weren't sissy bikes like Hondas or BMW's, either. We're talking 100% all-American loud as hell Harley Davidsons that reach deep into your chest with their low rumble and rearrange the air sacs in your lungs. That's why the event is called Rolling Thunder, and it's organized by Vietnam veterans to serve as a reminder that there are still over 2000 MIA's from that conflict.

While the main event, involving as many as 300,000 bikes and 500,000 riders, takes place on a route from the Pentagon parking lot, to Arlington Cemetery, and eventually into downtown along Constitution Avenue, that's not the only place to catch a glimpse of them. They actually start rolling into town several days ahead of time, and as the weekend approaches, you start hearing more and more Harleys regardless of where you are.

But the real fun starts on Sunday morning as the riders gather at various staging areas in suburban Virginia and Maryland to begin their procession towards the final gathering point at the Pentagon. Roads are shut down and ramps to the interstates blocked off as they go by. And even miles outside DC, spectators with flags line the streets and gather on highway overpasses to watch them go by.

I wanted to get really close to the action this year, so I staked out a place in the Pentagon parking lot. But as the place began to fill up, I was told to move. So there I was, trying to turn the car around, when I accidentally backed into a Harley and knocked it over. It fell against another bike, which in turn hit another one.

Do you have any idea how long it takes 300,000 motorcycles to finish falling over in a chain reaction? About nine and a half hours. Fortunately that was more than enough time for me to get the hell out of town.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Rumor Has It That It's A 17 Year Old Cheerleader In Poughkeepsie

The Bush Administration has renewed efforts to gain the legal authority to force internet service providers to turn over customer records to the government. Officials say this ability is needed in the fight against terrorism.

Well, good for them! Maybe now we can find out once and for all just who the hell has been writing that stupid Saddam Hussein blog.

Eddie Albert

Actor Eddie Albert has died at the age of 99.

Albert's career in show business stretched back to the 1930's when he appeared in a number of Broadway productions. He eventually made the transition to Hollywood and was in over 100 movies, including a co-starring turn in Brother Rat with some guy named Ronald Reagan. Albert also received two academy award nominations, first in 1953 and again in 1972. And in 1974 he played the prison warden in "The Longest Yard," the remake of which just opened this weekend.

But Albert was not only a showman. He served in the south Pacific during World War II and even won the Bronze Star for rescuing a group of marines under fire.

An amazing life. But will he remembered for any of that?

No, of course not. Don't be silly. None of that trivial stuff matters.

The thing that Eddie Albert will be remembered for, however, is wearing a business suit while driving a tractor on Green Acres.

Now that's a legacy!

Thursday, May 26, 2005


One of the hottest celebrity romances around at the moment is the one between 42 year old Tom Cruise and 26 year old Katie Holmes. Though there has been no official word from either of them, the Hollywood rumor mill has them getting engaged in the next few weeks.

This shouldn't surprise anyone. Back in her Dawson's Creek days, Holmes said in an interview with Seventeen magazine that she's wanted to marry Cruise since she was 12 years old.

Wow, what a coincidence! I've wanted to marry Britney Spears since she was 12 years old!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Play With The Dark Side

It's best not to f*ck with Lord Vader.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Separation Of Church & State? How Quaint!

It appears that the United States Senate has averted the so-called nuclear option over the filibuster fight. A compromise has been announced which will allow for a vote on the judges in question.

However, it remains to be seen how long this truce will last. The current battle has never really been over the few judges in question, but rather what will happen when vacancies on the Supreme Court open up. And with Chief Justice Reihnquist battling cancer and two other members of the Court in their 80's, it's only a matter of time. That's where the real battle will come. The religious right is hoping to gain a solid majority on the Court so that they can overturn Roe vs. Wade, the 1972 decision which gave women the right to choose whether or not to have an abortion.

My personal feeling on abortion is that I would never have one. Then again, that's easy for me to say since I'm a 46 year old male past my prime childbearing years. But that doesn't give me--or anyone else for that matter--the right to impose my belief system on the rest of the country. The people that now control the Republican party, however, see no problem with shoving their interpretation of the Holy Bible down the throats of 280 million Americans.

The important thing about maintaining the judicial filibuster is that it essentially means nominees have to be acceptable to at least 60 senators. That keeps extremists with personal agendas--liberal or conservative--off the Federal bench.

If anyone still doubts that this filibuster fight has been over religion, they should read this. A number of religious leaders and social conservatives in Iowa has sent a letter to "potential presidential candidates" warning that any Republican senator who opposes abolishing the filibuster rule "will face consequences in the 2008 caucuses." This is directed against Senators John McCain and Chuck Hagel, who are expected to make a run for the GOP nomination (along with Majority leader Bill Frist) in three years. And the Iowa caucuses, of course, are the first real contest between the various candidates.

Enjoy your constitutionally guaranteed separation of church & state while you can, folks. Its days are numbered.

A Sense Of Unity

Laura Bush's visit to the middle east is hitting some turbulence. While in Jerusalem, for example, she was heckled by both Jewish AND Muslim protesters.

It's good to see the Bush Administration serving as a unifying force in this troubled area.

Animal Planet

No, those are not Venus and Serena Williams....

In what is only the latest case of Mother Nature striking back at man, a herd of buffalo recently escaped from a farm near Baltimore. After roaming through a rather exclusive neighborhood, the beasts were finally corralled in a tennis court. They were eventually returned to whence they came, and by now are sitting on someone's dinner plate.

And in yet another example of animals run amok, a mother duck has decided to nest in front of the Ritz Carlton in Georgetown. The Ritz is one of the top hotels in DC, and the wayward foul is being treated like the royalty that often stays there. She is being fed with corn on a silver platter, and drinking nothing but the finest bottled water.

Meanwhile, another mama mallard had set up house outside the Treasury departmentt, immediately next door to the White House. Presumably after passing an FBI background check, she was allowed to stay. Once her little ones hatched, they were transported in a four vehicle motorcade to Rock Creek Park and released.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Breaking And Entering? Not If You're Famous

The rich and the famous are often accused of thinking they are somehow better than the rest of us, or that they think they are somehow above the laws which govern the rest of us. But is that really fair? Are they really that disconnected from reality?

Um.... Yes. They are.

It seems that whenever Goldie Hawn visits the DC area, she likes to stop by her childhood home in nearby Takoma Park, Maryland. Nothing wrong with that, you may be thinking. A lot of people will sometimes drive by their old houses.

Well, yes, and if she were to actually keep driving, then that would, in fact be reasonably normal.

But Hawn is a celebrity, and therefore not subject to the rules of behavior that govern the lower elements of society. That would include such silly concepts as respecting other people's privacy and property.

She will actually go inside--uninvited, mind you--and walk around. On one occasion she stopped by when the owner wasn't home. Did this stop Hawn? No, of course not. She just found an open window and climbed on in!!

If you or I did that, chances are we would soon be picking up Big Bubba's soap at the local jail.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Hmmm.... Maybe Two Plus Two Really Does Equal Five

It seems like every few weeks we're told that something that has long been believed to be bad for us is actually good! For example, last month scientists announced that being overweight is not nearly as deadly as previously thought. Before that some studies determined that salt was not as major a factor in hypertension as genetic predisposition. Years ago, people with kidney stones were told to stay away from calcium. Then it was discovered that a low calcium level actually encourages the body to hoard the mineral and can lead to: The development of kidney stones!! And remember how caffeine was once believed to cause heart attacks? Then they found that many people who drank a lot of coffee also tended to be smokers, and THAT'S what was knocking 'em off.

And how long have we been hearing that sunlight is bad? That El Sol will kill us if we don't cover up, or hide in the shade, or douse ourselves with SPF 60? That exposure to solar radiation will cause us to become hideous tumor covered freaks awaiting a slow painful death from melanoma? This knowledge was every bit as sacred as two plus two equaling four, and if you let your kids run around without some sort of skin protection, you were a horrible, irresponsible parent who should be reported to the local child services agency.

So guess what? Now they have determined that sunlight (in moderation) is --GASP!--good for you!!!! It is necessary for the production of vitamin D, which in turn helps ward off--GASP!--cancers of all kinds. That would include lymphoma, prostate cancer, colon cancer, and--GASP!--even skin cancer!!! So if the sun doesn't kill us, the irony certainly will.

That's it then. I'm giving up trying to live a healthy lifestyle before it kills me. After all, it's only a matter of time of time until they tell us that fat and cholesterol are essential nutrients, and we should all eat as much red meat as possible, with supersize fries on the side and a milkshake to wash it all down.

Gotta go. There's a chocolate cheesecake calling my name.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Lax Security

A report by the Government Accountability Office says that many U.S. agencies are leaving their wireless networks unprotected and fully exposed to hackers and unauthorized users. In fact, any idiot with a wireless card could sit near most government offices and gain access to sensitive files. The report to Congress recommends that all agencies should tighten their security protocols.

Damn.... Looks like I may have to start paying for my internet access.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Puppet On A String

Click to go to Amazon.comMy favorite movie from last year is finally out on DVD, and no, it's not Shrek 2, The Incredibles, Spiderman, The Passion of the Christ, or Seed of Chucky. Then again, I haven't seen any of those, but that won't stop me from forming an opinion.

But one that I did see, and found to be absolutely uproarious, was Team America. It pretty much bombed at the box office (Total of $33 million, ranked 84 for the year), but that was because the film was so poorly promoted.

Team America was made by the same jokers who brought us South Park, and the humor in it is every bit as immature, gross and vulgar. But beyond that, it's also a great satire. The "team" is an elite squad of commandos who go around the world fighting terrorists. In the process, they inadvertently topple the Eiffel Tower, destroy the pyramids of the Egypt, and kill hundreds--if not thousands--of innocent bystanders. Then they act bewildered when everyone ends up hating them.

Their actions are, of course, condemned by the liberal Hollywood elite such as Michael Moore, Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, and Tim Robbins.

Along the way, the movie covers pretty much every stereotypical plot device you find in action movies. The highlight for me, at least, was the speech about the three types of people in the world: Pussies, dicks, and assholes. It was truly moving, and left me in tears.

Another highlight was the sex scene, which actually had to edited to bring the theatrical release down to an "R" rating (The uncut version is supposedly on the DVD). Personally I've never done it upside down on top of the dresser, but apparently it can be done!

Oh, and did I mention that all the characters are marionettes? That's right: Puppets. On strings. And you haven't truly lived until you've seen a Michael Moore marionette with a chile dog in one hand, a big gulp in the other, and various food stains down the front of his shirt as he is interviewed on TV.

Monday, May 16, 2005


USAToday has done a nice article on the Reverend Billy Graham. He is perhaps the only major religious leader that hasn't pissed me off at some point with judgmental pontificating. And that's a point that comes up in the story as well: While many evangelical leaders seek to exclude anyone who disagrees with them, Graham has always sought to include everyone, regardless of their politics.

Contrast that with that bonehead Pat Robertson who said that "God has lifted his 'hedge of protection' around the judges, legislators and voters who agree with allowing abortion or gay marriage or physician-assisted suicide." Spoken like a true believer in the "culture of life," Pat. Now please go crawl back under your rock.

Speaking of people that should continue to hide under rocks, did you hear about the Reverend Chan Chandler? He's the North Carolina minister who ordered all the Kerry supporters in his congregation to leave.

What is wrong with people like that? Don't they realize that attitudes like that make them no better than the Taliban? Well, no, I suppose not. After all, they're right, and everyone else can just go to hell.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Friday, May 13, 2005

Crank Up The Volume--They'll Never Know

One of the great things about Americans is that we value the dignity of ALL humans, regardless of their physical limitations. Why, we have even invented karaoke for the deaf!

A Betrayal Of The Republican Leadership?

In an act that proves there may yet be hope for civility in Congress, Republican representative Dave Reichart has returned House Minority Leader (and a Democrat) Nancy Pelosi's missing shoe. Reichart pulled it out of Tom DeLay's ass where it been stuck for the last several days.

No, no. Just kidding. He found the shoe during Wednesday's hurried evacuation of the Capitol and picked it up. Pelosi had lost her footwear when police literally lifted her out of them in the rush to get her out of the building.

Obviously Reichart is in his first term as a Congressman. If he had only had a few more terms under his belt and time to become bitterly partison, he probably would have known to run the shoe through a shredder first, THEN return it.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

De Plane, Boss, De Plane

By now the whole world knows about the small plane that ventured into restricted air space over DC yesterday. The incident prompted evacuations of the White House, the Capitol, and the Supreme Court. In the end, however, it turned out to be a false alarm.

The aircraft, piloted by a student pilot and his flight instructor, had gotten lost and triggered a near state of panic in DC (Eyewitness account--audio). The two men in the Cessna finally realized something was up when the two F-16's that had been buzzing them began firing warning flares. By the time the men turned around, they were about three miles from the Executive Mansion, where they were apparently planning to land and ask for directions.

A flight instructor caused all this commotion!?! Dude, if you take off in a plane with no instruments and no maps, and then act stunned when you get lost, you've got absolutely no freaking business teaching someone else how to fly!

Some criticism has been leveled about the handling of the incident. Mayor Anthony Williams of DC was especially upset that no one bothered to tell him what was going on. Well, sorry about that, chief. But the police had about three minutes to clear over 15,000 people from Capitol Hill, so perhaps they were a bit too busy to worry about making a courtesy phone call. Now go suck on your pacifier.

There is one thing that has been lost in all this talk about the plane almost being shot down: What about the people on the ground? The wreckage would have had to fall somewhere. When the Cessna turned around, it was already over the neighborhoods of DC, and there's not a whole lot of empty space below. Suppose the debris had ended up falling onto a crowded street, someone's house, a hospital, a crowded school, or--heaven forbid--a Starbucks? Would the ensuing mayhem have been worth saving a now evacuated building?

If someone wants to destroy our cherished symbols of freedom, fine. Let them. They're just fancy pieces of brick, mortar, and stone. Those we can always rebuild.

But don't f*ck with my latte.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Big Bang

A Russian astrologer is suing NASA because of a mission in which the US space agency will smash a probe into a comet. The Deep Impact spacecraft is essentially on a suicide run to the comet Tempel 1. The crash is intended to raise a cloud of debris that will enable scientists to study the comet's makeup. According to Marina Bai, if the mission is allowed to proceed, it will "disrupt the natural order of the universe." She is seeking the equivalent of $300 million in damages.

This woman is completely nuts.

When you consider the various appeals that are certain to follow any initial ruling, it becomes obvious that it will take years for this case to wind its way through the legal system. By then, Tempel 1, with its orbit unexpectedly altered by the impact, will have smashed into the Earth and annihilated all life on the planet in an all-consuming cataclysmic fiery inferno.

Miss Bai needs to lighten up.

How Do You Spell Relief?

Over the course of the past year or so the cost of gasoline has almost doubled, and consumers are left wondering why the government doesn't do something to bring the prices under control.

Well, ask no more. The public servants of Maryland have heard our cries for relief, and they have intervened!

It seems that when a price war erupted between several stations in St. Mary's County and drivers were paying as little as $1.99 for a gallon of regular unleaded, the state comptroller's office quickly stepped in and ordered the stations to.... RAISE their prices a nickel!

Yes, it's true. Under Maryland law it is illegal--under most circumstances--for filling stations to sell gas for less than cost. The quick response by the comptroller's office should be enough to reaffirm everyone's faith in the responsiveness of local government.

Oh, and good luck trying to get someone to fix that pothole.

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Horror, The Horror

Horror writer Stephen King recently delivered the commencement address at his alma mater, the University of Maine. He urged graduates to read voraciously and to donate 10% of their incomes to charity.

Ceremonies were briefly disrupted when a demonic car driven by a vampire, accompanied by his formerly dead rabid pet Saint Bernard, drove onto the field and tried to run King over.

Friday, May 06, 2005

I could use one of these!

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Last night ABC aired an expose of sorts about Fox TV's American Idol. The chief allegation is that judge Paula Abdul not only helped a contestant during last year's contest, but engaged in a sexual affair with him. And the source of the accusations is none other that the contestant himself, Corey Clark.

Some people are saying that this spells the end of American Idol, but I doubt it. America has no sense of shame any more. Not when a President can bang an intern less than half his age in the White House, lie about it under oath, and still remain wildly popular. Or when his successor can win reelection after invading a country under false pretenses while failing to capture the man who killed 3000 people on 9/11. Or rally to the side of Michael Jackson, who is undoubtedly a child molester. Or stand on highway overpasses to cheer on a washed up football hero who brutally killed two people.

So is anyone really going to care if Abdul is giving more than voice lessons to someone's she's supposed to be judging?

Personally I couldn't care less. I can honestly say that I have never watched American Idol, and I'm damn proud of it.

The really sorry part of this story is Clark himself. The man is a sleazeball, pure and simple. Where's his sense of decency? There is nothing lower than a guy who brags about his sexual conquests.

Hell, you never hear me boasting about the months I spent with Britney Spears, or the one night stand I had with Pamela Anderson, or the fact that I'm the reason Jennifer Lopez dumped Ben Affleck. And you know why I will never bring those things up? Because I have class and respect women, including Christina Aguilera, who made me promise that I would never tell anyone she farted in the hot tub.

Cinco de Mayo de Cinco

Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commemorates the date in 1862 when Mexico discovered Tequila. The first batch turned out to have a worm in it, but by the time the inventors found it, they were too trashed to care, and thus a tradition was born.

The day is marked by boisterous celebrations, folk dancing, grand parades, and and operating leaf blowers while drunk.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Pickled Pink

Montgomery County, Maryland is generally a reasonably progressive place. It's solidly Democratic and allows the teaching of evolution in its classrooms, so one would naturally expect its people to be reasonably well educated. Nonetheless, two groups (one of which is from Virginia, so that explains a lot) have filed a lawsuit to block the teaching of a sex education program that includes a video in which a woman puts a condom on a cucumber.

Personally I'd be interested in seeing what the woman does with the cucumber next, but that's not the point.

The course is voluntary and requires the signature of a parent. However, once again a small group is hellbent on imposing its standards on society as a whole. But for once I have to agree with the minority: We should NOT be teaching our kids how to use a condom, regardless of what fruits and vegetables may be involved. The world needs more out of wedlock teenage pregnancies and rampantly spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

There's nothing wrong with an occasional cold sore.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways

The people of Duluth, Georgia are apparently quite angry with Jennifer 'Runaway Bride' Wilbanks for the hell she put them through. The local district attorney is also upset by the wild goose chase, and is considering prosecuting her. And other town officials are threatening to sue her for $60,000, the estimated cost of the four day search. Yet it remains unclear whether Wilbanks actually broke any laws in Georgia.

I must admit to be somewhat confused by the uproar.

A week ago these very same people were literally praying for Jennifer's safe return. And when their prayers were finally answered, they got all pissed off! This makes no sense! After all, doesn't God work in mysterious ways? So aren't they in essence angry at God for answering those prayers?

Jeez.... There's just no satisfying some people.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Those Magical Wizards

Congratulations to the Washington Wizards, who over the weekend had their first playoff win in 17 years! That's right, 17 years, or a whole cicada life cycle! It was May 8 of 1988 and Ronald Reagan was still in the White House when the Wizards beat the Detroit Pistons. And despite making the playoffs a few times since then, Washington never won again until this past Saturday.

And in what can only be described as a bizarre move, the NBA has warned four Wizards players--Gilbert Arenas, Larry Hughes, Antawn Jamison and Juan Dixon--that they were wearing their shorts too long.

Um, okay. I'm not sure about this, and I certainly don't want to start any unsubstantiated rumors, but I suspect that NBA Commissioner David Stern, if he enjoys looking at men's thighs so much, may be the, er, "type of guy" who will really enjoy this Virgin Atlantic commercial.