Horny Little Bastards

The cicada invasion continues unabated, with thousands of terrified human forced to flee their homes as swarms of bloodthirsty cicadas swoop down and devour the slow and the weak.

Okay, so I'm exaggerating a bit.

It's only the Africanized killer cicadas that do that.

More and more neighborhoods seem to be coming "online" as the little guys continue to emerge and begin to sing. I first heard them last Sunday, but only in a couple of areas. Today, however, it seems like the emergence has moved a further out to the west of DC. But even areas that seemingly were being bypassed before are now being flooded by 17 year olds controlled only by their hormones.... Assuming, of course, insects have hormones.

And while their sound can be downright eerie, that's only when you're hearing a few million of them in the treetops from a distance. If you get one or two of them doing their business in your front yard, the sound becomes downright annoying, almost like a buzzsaw.... A sexually aroused buzzsaw.

This morning I came across what I initially thought was a dead cicada in a parking lot. I gave it a little poke just to make sure, and he--for want of a better term--"grunted" at me (guess that means he's a male, since they're the only ones who make noise). So I prodded him a bit more, and he made the noise again. I decided to a good deed and move him, and when I reached down, he took the initiative and latched onto my hand. So I'm watching this little red-eyed insectoid demon crawling around on me, and all the while he's making little grunting noises. That's when it hit me:

He was trying to mate with my finger! There are few things in this world more disturbing than a gay cicada.

I carried him over to the edge of the lot, and after a few tries, succeeded in flinging him towards some bushes.

Now I'm feeling strangely used and abandoned. You'd think he would at least call or write....