Missionary Position

Yesterday evening when I got home and got out of the car, I immediately sensed that there was danger nearby. I don't know if it's some kind of sixth sense, or just a subtle awareness of what was going on around me, but I could tell that it was time to be on my highest alert. With my senses heightened by the surge of adrenaline, I began to take in my surroundings. I was looking for anything out of the ordinary while simultaneously looking for avenues of escape should the need arise.

And that was when I saw them: Two white males on bicycles at the far end of the parking lot. Both were wearing crisp white shirts, dark ties, and black nametags on their pockets. I recoiled in horror at the sudden realization of what I was seeing: Mormon missionaries.

Fortunately they were heading for the building next door, so I had time to mount a defensive strategy. I ran to my apartment and thought about barricading the door. But then what would I do if there were a fire? I'd die trying to clear the door which I had barricaded to keep from having my soul saved.

If there's one thing I fear more than Mormons, it's dying an ironic death.

So I grabbed a 3 X 5 index card and a magic marker. I simply wrote "NOT INTERESTED" on the card and taped it to the outside of my door.

Sure enought, about half an hour later, I could hear them knocking on my neighbor's door. When there was no answer, they knocked on the other neighbor's door, and then the third one's. Soon I could hear them knocking on doors upstairs. I had been spared!! I was feeling pretty proud of myself. As a precaution, I decided to leave the card on the door overnight.

This morning as I was leaving for work, I took the note down. That's when I noticed something concealed under it. Foolishly I looked. It was a card with a picture of Jesus on one side and some kind of prayer on the other.

F*cking bastards got me anyway.