Monday, July 31, 2006

Passion Of The Drunk

Mel Gibson was arrested last Thursday night in California for drunk driving. Unfortunate, but it's the type of thing that occasionally happens. And when a celebrity is involved, it can be big news for a day or two. But people soon shrug it off as just typical Hollywood behavior.

But new details about the Braveheart star's arrest have emerged, and suddenly Gibson's image has suffered a much more serious blow than originally believed. I turns out that Mel began spouting anti-semitic remarks as the cuffs were being put on. He even yelled at one of the officers, "Are you a Jew?"

The public can forgive occasional bad behavior by our beloved stars. Things like DUI's, tearing up hotel rooms, jerking off in a movie theater, molesting 13 year old boys, and making an ass of yourself while jumping on Oprah's couch can all quickly be forgotten. Two things that you never EVER want to do, however, is make rascist remarks or mess with the Jews. Cross either of those lines, and your Hollywood career will likely quickly go down the toilet for good.

So if you're out and about the next couple of days and hear fighter planes go roaring by overhead, don't be alarmed. It's just the Israeli Air Force on its way to bomb the shit out of Mel Gibson's house.

Coo-Coo Coulter

Is Bill Clinton gay? Well, according to political pundit/wack job Ann Coulter, the answer to that is yes. In an interview on CNBC, the highly conservative commentator said that the former President shows "some level of latent homosexuality."

Well, if it's true, he's done an outstanding job of hiding it.

Video clip: David Letterman weighs in on Coulter's comments.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Friday, July 28, 2006

Is The Christian Right Invited?

Former Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson has announced that she and Kid Rock will be getting married in France... And in California... And in any number of other places. Yes, the two are planning multiple wedding ceremonies to mark their nuptials.

It's reassuring to know that they're doing more than their fair share to preserve the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.


Quite a few of you are probably wondering what you're doing here, and that's understandable. You were just sitting there at your desk at work, reading the comics page because the boss decided to take a three day weekend, when you suddenly got an inexplicable and overwhelming urge to see if there really was a site at

To be perfectly honest, until about 6 A.M. this morning there wasn't. But that's when I came across today's Speed Bump in the comics section of the paper (yes, I still read newspapers! I also have an 8-track player in the car and a telephone with an actual dial, but those are posts for another day).

I checked, found that the domain was actually available, and I snagged it. That in turn set in motion a complex chain of events involving ancient biblical conspiracies, global warming, sectarian violence in the middle east, Al Gore's invention of the internet, and extreme boredom on your part as well as mine. And that's how you eventually ended up at this site.

So now that you're here, feel free to look around a bit. And have a laugh or two while you can.... Because on Monday I'm emailing your boss to let them know what you were doing today.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

A Story That Will Grow On You

Police in Brazil have captured several members of a gang suspected of holding up a number of pharmacies and stealing their supplies of Viagra.

No word on how they were caught. One can imagine them, however, trying to hide behind a tree, except that the cops can see the fronts of their pants sticking out.

Armageddon, Or Just A Slow News Day?

The news recently has a lot of people down. There's Israel's invasion of Lebanon, the disintegration of Iraq, North Korea's missile launches, Pakistan's recent decision to build a plutonium reactor, tsunamis in Indonesia, floods in New England, global climate change, and Katie Couric's upcoming move to a major evening news broadcast. Is it any wonder that some people are saying we're in the midst of World War III, or already living in the final days as foretold in the Bible?

Is it true? Is it really only a matter of days till we see the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse (the fourth one recently lost his job to illegal immigrants) riding across the sky?

No, of course not. The truth of the matter is that there has always been conflict in the Middle East, and people have always died in natural disasters. That's just reality as it has always been since time immemorial.

The REAL problem is that the press has no big celebrity trials to concentrate on, and is thus wasting its time reporting on how the world is turning to shit. That leaves us with the false impression that things are somehow worse than they usually are.

But sooner or later something wonderful will happen, like maybe Angelina Jolie chopping off Brad Pitt's penis during an argument, and we won't hear another peep about sectarian strife in Iraq.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I See Drunk People

Sixth Sense star Haley Joel Osment suffered relatively minor injuries after crashing his car last week. The accident is still under investigation, but alcohol is suspected as a contributing factor.

This isn't surprising. You'd turn to booze as well, if you had to put up with seeing dead people all the damn time.


When it comes to cellphones, I'm something of a traditionalist (if such a thing is possible with cellphones). I actually hold the thing up to my ear and talk.

But now I've decided to get with the program and buy a hands-free headset. And again, being a cellphone traditionalist, I'll get the kind that's a wired a headset.

No, I won't actually use the thing. But at least when I walk down the street shouting to myself and gesturing wildly with my arms, maybe people won't become alarmed and run away.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Monday, July 24, 2006

Dig This

New and even more disturbing torture allegations have surfaced against the Bush administration and its treatment of terror suspects.

Evidence has arisen that prisoners from Guantanomo Bay are being shipped to Boston and forced to drive through various Big Dig tunnels.

Please Give Generously

Sad news out of DC: The Infernal Revenue Service headquarters building, which was severely damaged in last month's flooding, may not reopen until early next year. The basement suffered extensive damage, along with the electrical systems and air conditioning units housed there.

In these divisive times, this is a golden opportunity for all Americans to come together behind a unifying cause and proudly show our patriotism. We should all donate a portion of our income--not much, just 30% or so (less than 1% if you're really rich)--to this hallowed institution to help it recover. Let's even set ourselves a deadline to do this.

Hmmm.... How about by next April 15?

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Thursday, July 20, 2006


A doctor and two nurses in New Orleans have been charged with murder in what is an extraordinarily difficult case. They are accused of administering lethal doses of morphine to four gravely ill patients in a hospital during the immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Is euthanasia ever justified? For most people, the answer is a simple no. It's murder, pure and simple.

Okay, but let's also consider the conditions at that hospital during the early days of last September: The building is completely surrounded by water, there's no electricity, the air conditioning is out, it's a hundred degrees inside with no air circulation, there's no water or food, and there's little prospect of evacuation anytime soon. Meanwhile, you've got a bunch of gravely ill people on your hands who are only there because they were too frail to transport even before the storm hit and conditions turned to shit. What do you do? Do you allow them to continue to suffer even though you know their death is certain? Or do you put an end to their misery? And does doing so make you guilty of playing God, or does it make you an angel of mercy?

I don't know what the answer is. But I do find it vaguely ironic that when we prematurely hasten the death of a suffering animal, we call it "humane."

Spam Can Kill

A month or so ago there was a story in the news about a preacher in Tennessee who was shot to death by his wife. The woman then fled to Alabama with her children. It was a sad turn of events, and all that was really known about the motive was that it had something to do with an argument over money.

More information has now become public about the case, and it turns out that the couple's finanaces were ruined because they had fallen for the ol' Nigerian email scam.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

And The Sun Revolves Around The Earth

The United States Senate yesterday passed a stem cell bill lifting federal restrictions on research in the field. Since the same bill has already passed the House, it only needs the President's signature to become law. The White House says, however, that Bush will veto it. This is not surprising, since Dubya has long been opposed to science. His veto will also provide additional evidence that that the Republican party has become the political arm of the Christian right, and further demonstrates that America is slowly becoming a theocracy.

You know, it's a damn shame Bush wasn't running things 600 years ago. Maybe then he could have put a stop to the blasphemous work done by the likes of Copernicus, Kepler, and Galileo. After all, it was the church that insisted the Earth was the center of the universe and was willing to excommunicate or put to death anyone that said otherwise.

Indeed, if only Bush had been around at other key moments in history, maybe we'd still blissfully believe that the earth is flat, that disease is caused by evil spirits, and that light bulbs are the devil's handiwork because the Bible says it's SUPPOSED to be dark at night.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Monday, July 17, 2006

Meanwhile, At The Copa, Copacabana

The local council in a suburb of Sydney, Australia, has resorted to playing Barry Manilow songs really, REALLY loud. It's part of an effort to stop car enthusiasts from gathering in a city park on weekend nights.

The effort, while successful, has also resorted in collateral damage as nearby neighbors of the park are also complaining about the deafening volume of "Mandy" and "Copacabana."

Where are those Geneva Conventions when they're REALLY needed?!?!

Please Help

I rarely bother to read anything that looks like a "chain email." The stuff is usually a waste of my time, time that is better spent pursuing more worthwhile pursuits in life, like checking out those sites with the naked Britney Spears photos. And I would certainly never subject YOU, my loyal readers, and I'm referring to both of you, to such asinine drivel.

This one, however, caught my eye and then went on touch me in a special place. No, no, not THERE. I meant it went on to touch my
heart. It is truly moving, and has caused me to rethink my cynical attitude towards my fellow man. I urge all of you to take a minute to read it. And if it is at all within your means, please donate to this worthy cause.

My name is Billy Evans.

I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she' s allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from schoolchildren all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.

Please help me. Mommy is s-o-o sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury it's turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,
Billy "Smiley" Evans

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Friday, July 14, 2006


Some of the wackos at Fox News are saying that we are in the middle of World War III.

That's just stupid. There's no WWIII. No one's invaded France yet!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

What? I Was Right?!?

Just a week ago I predicted that the final run of eight Sopranos episodes--scheduled for January--would be delayed until sometime in the spring.

Today comes word that HBO has now pushed the date to sometime in March. The delay was caused by some minor knee surgery for James Gandolfini, as well as potential competition from the NFL playoffs. Rome will now begin its second and final season on January 7, and Sopranos will likely start after that costume drama finishes its run.

At the risk of sounding cocky, I'm going to make another shocking prediction: Senseless violence will continue to plague the middle east.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


According to a new study, Americans increasingly prefer watching TV, playing video games, and surfing the internet over spending time visiting national parks. In other words, people now prefer to stay indoors over experiencing nature.

This really shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, when was the last a grizzly bear devoured someone in their living room?

Bear Facts

Well, it's good to know that even polar bears have issues.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

What About Ours?

Russians are hailing the death of "our bin Laden." The reference is to the death of Chechen warlord Shamil Basayev, who was killed when a dynamite laden truck in his convoy exploded. Basayev, among other terror acts, had orchestrated the school siege which ended in the deaths of hundreds of children in 2004.

Not to be a smartass, but when are we going to catch OUR bin Laden?

Monday, July 10, 2006

Figaro, Figaro, BANG

The Royal Opera of London has rehired a Soprano it had previously fired for being overweight. Putting aside the whole issue of whether that firing qualifies as discrimination, it was certainly a ballsy move. Very few opera companies would have the cojones to terminate the employment of someone like that.

But more importantly, why does an opera company need a Soprano in the first place? Is it to boost attendance? Do they walk down the street, grab people at random, and threaten to bust their kneecaps if they don't buy a ticket to Pagliacci?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I've certainly found a new appreciation for classical music.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Dirty Punctuation

Do spammers have no sense of decency? I mean, I can live with the constant insinuations about my pecker being too small. And I'm flattered that so many women in my area want to date me.... Though I'm a little hurt they all want a valid credit card number first. And I'm glad there are so many home mortagage discount offers out there. Too bad I rent.

But I really do have to draw the line at emails about colon cleansing products.

Friday, July 07, 2006

When The Thriller Is Gone

Show of hands, please: How many of you know there's another Michael Jackson trial taking place?

The fact that hardly anyone has heard about it means that the mainstream press has been neglecting its responsibilities to the American people, instead concentrating on trivial matters like the erosion of civil liberties in America, the worsening security situation in Iraq, the acceleration of global warming, the continuing development of Iran's nuclear weapons program, global insecurity brought on by North Korea's missile tests, and the death and destruction wrought by the recent northeastern floods.

These new proceedings concern business dealings Jackson had with gay porn producer F. Marc Schaffel. Schaffel claims that Jackson reneged on a major deal and is suing to recoup his losses. Jackson, on the other hand, says that he and Schaffel were never that close and did not have any business dealings.

To prove that Jackson is a lying sack of crap, Schaffel's attorneys played some answering machine messages that Jackson had left. Among those messages was one from Jackson saying, "Marc, it's Michael? Marc, please never let me down.... I like you. I love you? I really want us to be friends and conquer the business world together. Please be my loyal, loyal friend. I love you."

I don't know about the rest of you, but if I ever came home and found a voicemail from Michael Jackson saying he loved me, my first order of business would be to change my identity, undergo radical plastic surgery to alter my appearance, and move to the other side of the world.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Why You & I Are In The Wrong Line Of Work

I'm now accepting bets on whether the final "season" of The Sopranos will still air in January. It seems that "Little Stevie" Van Zandt and Tony Sirico--who play Silvio and Paulie on the show--only signed their contracts last Friday. They had been holding out for more pay, and will now be making nearly $150,000 per episode.

The show has always been notoriously slow to go on the air, sometimes taking as long as two years off between seasons. This latest development means that production will only begin today on those last eight episodes. While HBO hasn't said so, I'm guessing they won't be on the air till sometime next spring.

Sirico can't be blamed for asking for more money. He has nothing else to fall back on, unless he were to start busting kneecaps in real life. And Van Zandt used to have that gig with the E Street Band, but Springsteen's gone off on a Pete Seger kick this summer. That means that Little Stevie's been sitting around at home with nothing to do as well since there's not a whole lot of call for hot electric guitar licks in a folk music band.

Oh, and Tony Soprano himself? Well, James Gandolfini will be making a cool one million per episode. Not that I'm complaining, of course. I don't want to end up in the trunk of Silvio's car.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Useful News From The World Of Science

A new study says that breast feeding helps prevent bed wetting.

Hmmm.... Handled properly, this has potential as a great new pickup line for chicks.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Independence Day

I was reading an interesting article in USAToday Weekend in which historian David McCullough answers some questions about the founding fathers, the risks they took, and the hopes they had for the new nation. Surprisingly, it turns out that many of them expected that the form of government laid out by the Constitution would eventually evolve into a monarchy.

Well, it may have taken more than 200 years, but they turned out to be right.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Hope It Doesn't Belong To One Of The Astronauts

In what can only be described as disturbing news, NASA inspectors have reportedly found crack in the space shuttle's foam insulation.

What will those damn drug smugglers try next?

Saturday, July 01, 2006


A bombing in a Baghdad market killed 66 people earlier today. This comes on the heels of a suicide bombing yesterday at a funeral that killed four mourners.

I gotta stop reading the news. It's starting to give me the false impression that things aren't going well in Iraq.