When The Thriller Is Gone

Show of hands, please: How many of you know there's another Michael Jackson trial taking place?

The fact that hardly anyone has heard about it means that the mainstream press has been neglecting its responsibilities to the American people, instead concentrating on trivial matters like the erosion of civil liberties in America, the worsening security situation in Iraq, the acceleration of global warming, the continuing development of Iran's nuclear weapons program, global insecurity brought on by North Korea's missile tests, and the death and destruction wrought by the recent northeastern floods.

These new proceedings concern business dealings Jackson had with gay porn producer F. Marc Schaffel. Schaffel claims that Jackson reneged on a major deal and is suing to recoup his losses. Jackson, on the other hand, says that he and Schaffel were never that close and did not have any business dealings.

To prove that Jackson is a lying sack of crap, Schaffel's attorneys played some answering machine messages that Jackson had left. Among those messages was one from Jackson saying, "Marc, it's Michael? Marc, please never let me down.... I like you. I love you? I really want us to be friends and conquer the business world together. Please be my loyal, loyal friend. I love you."

I don't know about the rest of you, but if I ever came home and found a voicemail from Michael Jackson saying he loved me, my first order of business would be to change my identity, undergo radical plastic surgery to alter my appearance, and move to the other side of the world.