Consequences Matter

Someone left the following comment in response to yesterday's post about Saddam:

Yes, he didn't have anything to do with 9/11. But he killed hundreds of political opponents as well as countless Kurds. He was a pimple on the ass of the world and deserved to die. Any thought that this madman deserved to live is incomprehensible. You know it and I know it.

First of all, I never said that Saddam didn't deserve to die. What I did say, however, is that it's not in our job description to go around invading countries simply because they have a brutal dictator who abuses his own citizens (I'm going to avoid the obvious Bush joke here).

If you're going to use the fact that Saddam Hussein was evil as justification for the Iraq War, then we also need to invade North Korea and kill Kim Il Jong with no thought to the consequences of our actions. After that we can do the same with Myanmar and Venezuela. Come to think of it, Putin is getting awfully big for his britches, too. So what the hell, let's go invade Russia with no thought to what comes next.

Secondly, saving the Iraqi people was never one of the original reasons for invading Iraq. It was because Saddam supposedly had all those weapons of mass destruction and had barred United Nations inspection teams. Eventually he readmitted the inspectors under intense pressure from us, and they had free reign to go wherever they wanted to. Then three days before the invasion began, Bush told the inspectors to get out even though they were doing their jobs.

As we later found out, the entire WMD thing was based on not on faulty intelligence, but SELECTIVE intelligence. Even though there was plenty of evidence saying that Saddam no longer had those kinds of arms, the Bush administration simply suppressed it.

Thirdly, there were voices--Colin Powell among them--that tried to warn Bush what he was about to get into, that we didn't have enough troops, and that there was no plan for the post-war occupation.

As a result of this gross incompetence, almost 3,000 American soldiers have died, and for what? The situation in Iraq continues to spin further and further out of our control. December has now become the deadliest month for our forces.

And that's not even counting the tens of thousands of innocent Iraqis that have died because of our actions. Sure, it's the terrorists killing them, but there were no terrorists in Iraq till we removed Saddam. Iraq never had a suicide bombing prior to our invasion; now it's a daily occurrence.

By removing Saddam we have also left a power vacuum in the middle east. Iraq had at least been a check against Iran's ambitions. But with that no longer the case, the Sunni Arab nations are becoming increasingly worried about the Shiites in Iran.

If you think gasoline is expensive now, wait till a war erupts between Saudi Arabia and Iran, and the price of crude oil hits $200 a barrel.

But does any of this matter? No, because at least Saddam is dead.

At Least We Have Our Priorities Straight

Saddam Hussein has been executed, and rumor has it that he was well hung. Fortunately he had time for one last blog entry.

I know I'll sleep better tonight knowing that the man who had absolutely nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks against us is dead, while the man who is responsible is still out there inspiring his followers.

Forget The Ark Of The Covenant. Where's The Metamucil?

According to George Lucas, a script for the next Indiana Jones movie has been finalized and will begin filming next year. And yes, it will star 64 year old Harrison Ford.

No word on the plot, but my guess is that Indy will be trying to keep Rocky Balboa from cornering the world's supply of Geritol.

Or Maybe It's Those Britney Spears Photos I Was Just Looking At

China has reportedly developed a snake-based system for predicting earthquakes. According to the theory, snakes begin acting strangely in the hours and days before a tremor actually hits. Said one scientist, "If the earthquake is a big one, the snakes will even smash into walls while trying to escape."

Uh-oh. Must be an earthquake coming, because there's one trying to get out my pants now.

2978

Here's an article pointing out that the number of American troops to have died in Iraq is now 2978. That's five more than the official death toll from the 9/11 attacks.

So? That figure is completely irrelevant since Iraq had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11.... Nor were there any Iraqis among the hijackers.... Nor did Saddam have any links to Al Qaeda.... Nor did he have any WMD's that he was about to give to terrorists.... Nor has Bush explained in a credible fashion how Saddam was a threat to the United States.... Nor has Dick Cheney explained why we weren't "greeted as liberators...."

All of which raises an interesting point: Why are we in Iraq?

Good question.

Gerald Ford: 1913-2006

Former President Ford passed away late yesterday. It was Ford who took over as President when Nixon resigned, and it fell to him to restore respect to the presidency. If nothing else, that will be his legacy and one that he richly deserves.

Perhaps Ford's most controversial move was to pardon his predecessor a month after taking office. It led to charges that there had been some sort of deal between the two, an accusation Ford denied. Regardless of whether or not there had been one, the pardon was the right thing to do.

While it's true that Presidents must be held accountable for their actions if they break the law or betray the trust of the American people, Nixon was a broken man by the time he left office in disgrace. Subjecting him--and the nation--to further investigation and a trial would have accomplished nothing. That pardon gave America a chance to finally leave Watergate behind and start fresh. Ford must have realized that his move would kill his chances for an elected term, but he nonetheless went through with it.

Pardoning Nixon took balls, and for that Ford deserves our thanks.

'Head' Of Her Class

They say that Christmas is the season for miracles, and I for one am now a believer. It seems that a few days ago a certain someone who played a prominent role in the Clinton presidency received her Masters Degree from one of the most prestigious institutions of higher learning in the world, the London School of Economics. Yes, it is none other than Monica Lewinsky of whom I speak. Her Masters thesis even had the impressive sounding title, "In Search of the Impartial Juror: An Exploration of the Third Person Effect and Pre-Trial Publicity."

This is no small achievement. Only the world's finest intellects even get admitted to the London School of Economics. It is a grueling school that truly challenges the human mind. To emerge after several years with a masters of science degree as Ms. Lewinsky did indicates that despite all the jokes, all the snide remarks, and all the assumptions about her morals, she is a truly gifted individual with much to offer the world.

Either that, or she blew the professor.

I Thought "Break a Leg" Was Just An Expression Among Actors

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg while skiing in Idaho yesterday. He is expected to return to California to spend Christmas with his family before undergoing surgery later in the week.

No immediate word on whether this will have any effect on Schwarzenegger's ability to govern, or his quest to track down Sarah Conner.

How Long Before They Start Chopping Off Heads?

If there's one thing Virginians do well, it's secede. We certainly proved that during the Civil War. And in effort to maintain that proud tradition, several Episcopalian parishes in the state have voted to secede from the main Episcopal church.

The reason? Well, their cause is quite noble, and this time it's not about preserving the grand institution of slavery (Virginians always pick the right reasons to secede). It seems the national Episcopal Church recently ordained a gay bishop, and has decided to approve same sex unions. Therefore, in the tradition of judgemental religious nuts who have nothing better to do than meddle in the private affairs of individuals, these Virginia parishes have voted to break from the U.S. church.

Oh, and the other thing that has these particular Episcopalians upset is that their national church is now headed by a GASP!!!!! woman. Can't have that!

The decision wasn't easy, and the debate was often bitter. In fact, the photo to the right ran in the Post the next day. It's of the Reverend Martyn Minns of Fairfax's Truro Church, his wife, and vestry member Jim Moulton. It's certainly understandable that they're emotional. Their parish had just made a very bold move.

But should the two guys be hugging? Isn't that the kind of thing that caused this whole mess in the first place?

At any rate, you might think this is all okay. If they want to divorce themselves from the national congregation and go it alone, that's fine. But as with all divorces, it's never quite that simple. For example, who owns the local church property? Is it the local parish, or the national church? Tens of millions of dollars are at stake depending on the answer. The two Northern Virginia churches involved in this mess have a total of $25 million worth of buildings and land. Additionally, five other parishes across the state voted to break away, and more are likely to follow. By the time it's all sorted out, millions of dollars will have been spent on lawyers.

Well, at least that money won't be wasted on something stupid, like helping poor people.

But what really makes this whole thing curious is that these breakaway parishes will NOT be going it alone. They're aligning themselves with--get this--the Episcopal Church of Nigeria, headed by Archbishop Peter Akinola.

I'm not sure, but I think that's the same Nigerian guy who just last week sent me an email asking for my checking account number so I could help him smuggle $30 million out of the country.

By the way, for anyone who doesn't know, the Episcopal Church is the American branch of the Church of the England (A.K.A. the Anglican Church). And why does England have its own church? Well, it all goes back to Henry VIII in the 16th century. In his quest to produce a male heir, he divorced several wives and even beheaded one. To his credit, the Pope didn't approve of this behavior and told Henry to stop acting like a baby. Not happy with the Pope's restrictions at chopping off his wives' heads, Henry decided to start his own church.

Now THAT'S what I call a sound moral basis for a religion.

Noted In Passing

Some noteworthy people have passed away recently. While their names may not be famous, their work is certainly well known by those of us of a certain age (which will remain unspecified).

First, Joe Barbera died just a few days ago. Barbera was one half of the Hanna-Barbera team that created Yogi Bear, the Jetsons, Top Cat, and Huckleberry Hound.

Another recent loss was Sid Raymond. Raymond voiced Baby Huey, as well as those mischievous magpies named Heckle and Jeckyl.

Then back in October a guy named Tommy Johnson died. Who? Tommy Johnson, the tuba player. Now many of you are wondering why the heck you should know a tuba player, or why you would even care.

Well, Johnson was no ordinary tuba player. He was a studio musician, and chances are that you've heard his work hundreds--if not thousands--of times. Those musical notes used to communicate back and forth with the aliens in Close Encounters? That was done with a tuba, and Johnson's lips and lungs were behind it. The familiar bum-bum-bum-bum of the Jaws theme? Again, Johnson and his tuba. He also worked on the Indiana Jones films, Star Wars, and thousands of others. Earlier this month, an 'orchestra' of 99 tuba players got together in Los Angeles to honor Johnson.

Though by no means obscure, the death of Peter Boyle just a week ago should also be noted. He's probably best know as Ray's father on Everybody Loves Raymond, To me, however, Boyle will forever be the tap dancing monster from Young Frankenstein. Or would that be Fronkenstein?

I am reminded by the passing of each of these names that my own youth is disappearing into the past, while Medicare and adult diapers are drawing ever closer.

Another Damn Defeatocrat

In the months and weeks leading up to the November elections, President Bush branded antiwar Democrats as "defeatocrats." He also said that "absolutely we are winning"
in Iraq, and those that disagreed with him were "defeatists."

Well, yet another powerful Washington voice has spoken up to say that the United States is currently "not winning" the war. The problem is that this time it wasn't some unpatriotic defeatocrat uttering those words. No, it was.... None other than George W. Bush himself.

He also now says that the U.S. needs to send more troops to Iraq. Interestingly enough, when John Kerry during the 2004 campaign said we needed another 40,000 soldiers, Bush dismissed the proposal. Even as recently as six months ago, the White House was saying that there was no need to send in more soldiers.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go repeatedly pound my head into the wall.

Honoring The Fallen

It was May 8 of this year when two Fairfax County police officers were killed by Michael Kennedy, a heavily armed mentally ill teenager, in the parking lot of their station. Yesterday it was announced that officers Vicky Armel and Michael E. Garbarino will posthumously receive gold medals of valor. A third officer who exchanged fire with the gunman will also be recognized with the medal.

The county police have also released a detailed account of what transpired in that parking lot.

Garbarino was shot five times as he sat in his cruiser at the end of his shift. Even as he lay wounded, he was on the radio trying to direct and warn other officers.

Armel was also outside by the time the first shots were fired. She had just put on her bulletproof vest and was about to go investigate reports of a carjacking a few miles away. As it turns out, that carjacking was Kennedy stealing the vehicle he drove to the station. When the shooting began, she deliberately stepped out into the open to try and draw fire from the gunman, who was still shooting at Garbarino. That was when a .30-06 round pierced her vest.

A officer Richard Lehr was at his personal vehicle in the parking lot. He also exchanged shots with Kennedy. After running into the building to reload, Lehr then went back outside.

Kennedy was finally shot and killed by two officers from a different station who had responded to Garbarino's radio calls.

---------------Bob Gorrell, AOL News

The Housing Market Is Doomed

An advisor to President Bush says the worst of the housing slump is over.

Well, coming from the Bush White House, that opinion can only mean that the housing market is about to collapse entirely, and that in another three months we'll all be living on the streets.

Someone Get The Plunger. The Toilet's Backing Up

Do you hear that flushing sound? That's the sound of Bush's presidency going down the toilet as his lies start coming back to bite him in the tuckus.

This past Sunday, former Secretary of State Colin Powell appeared on "Face the Nation" and weighed in on the war. Powell minced no words when he said the U.S. was losing the "civil war" (GASP!!!!!)in Iraq. Yes, it's true: Powell called the conflict a "civil war!" He also doubted that a short term influx of more troops would improve the situation. He described conditions in Iraq as "grave and deteriorating and we're not winning, we are losing. We haven't lost. And this is the time, now, to start to put in place the kinds of strategies that will turn this situation around." Those strategies, continued Powell, would include turning Iraqi security over to the country's own forces sooner rather than later. Then American forces could begin coming home by the summer.

Meanwhile, the Joint Chiefs of Staff have come out against Bush's plan to add troops as well. They warn that any increase in troop levels may further encourage the insurgency to further increase the level of violence. And then what happens when those forces are eventually withdrawn? The violence goes up even further.

Adding to the gloom are figures from the Pentagon that show the level of attacks in Iraq to be at their highest level since June of 2004, when Iraq regained its sovereignty. They are now averaging about 1,000 a week, whereas the average for the period of May-August was 800.

And how are the Iraqi citizens caught in the crossfire taking it? Well, according to the same report, "the failure of the (Iraqi) government to implement concrete actions in these areas has contributed to a situation in which, as of October 2006, there were more Iraqis who expressed a lack of confidence in their government's ability to improve the situation than there were in July 2006."

On the other hand, at least certain parts of the Iraqi economy are showing strong signs of improvement. Merchants in the city of Najaf, which has one of the world's largest cemeteries, are doing brisk business selling burial shrouds.

So there. Who says I never talk about the good news out of Iraq?

Like He Doesn't Already Have Enough Problems Mastering English

Congratulations to Will Smith on his latest hit, The Pursuit of Happyness (that unusual spelling is explained in the movie).

Most industry experts had predicted it would pull in about $17 million and third place at the box office. As it turns out, the film finished the weekend with $27 million and the number one spot. Not bad for a depressing movie about a homeless guy trying to raise a child on his own. Incidentally, the kid playing Smith's son in the movie? He's also happens to be Smith's son in real life.

Despite the rave reviews, the movie does have a potential downside: If President Bush sees it, he may end up thinking "happyness" really is spelled with a "y."

Poor Britney

Kevin Federline is threatening to write a tell-all book about his marriage to Britney Spears unless she coughs up more money than what he's entitled to under the prenuptial agreement. The prenup entitles Federline to $360,000 in support, but he's apparently looking for a settlement of $20 million.

$20 million!?!?!?!? Is Federline nuts!?!?!? Hell, Britney can't even afford underwear!!!!

If Bush Doesn't Need One, Why Should Santa?

Choices

So what's more important to President Bush? Changing direction in Iraq and sacrificing his principles, or "staying the course" and sacrificing lives instead? Principles or lives? Hmmmm.... Tough one.

Well, he already has the blood of 2935 American soldiers and tens of thousands of Iraqis on his hands, so my guess is that we will continue down this dead end road for the time being.

After all, what's a few thousand more lives?

What's In A Name?

Congratulations are in order to outgoing Virginia Senator George Allen. He may have lost a tight race for re-election, but at least his campaign wasn't a total waste of time. The word "macaca"--famously used by Allen to describe a man of Indian descent--has been dubbed 2006's "Most Politically Incorrect Word." According to the nonprofit group Global Language Monitor, not only is the word a slang racist term, but it cost the Republicans the U.S. Senate altered the political landscape of America.

So the question now becomes: Does naming a kid "George" make him grow up to be an idiot, or are they named George because parents subconsciously already know that their kid will become an idiot later in life?

What An Enormous Set Of Matzo Balls You Have!

For those of you following an, er, "alternate lifestyle," XM Radio has added a Hanukkah channel for The Festival of Lights. Channel 108 will air nothing but Hanukkah music, prayers, and other Jewish oriented programming through December 23.

No word on whether Mel Gibson will be listening.

Judging A Cover By Its Book

Above is the cover of the Iraq Study Group's final report. And if you look at it long enough, you will probably end up falling asleep, because it's that boring. Sure, its appearance is very dignified and matter of fact, and certainly worthy of the terribly serious material contained within its pages. But it's also damn b-o-r-i-n-g looking!! No wonder none of the politicians are embracing its recommendations!

Perhaps an alternate cover would have brought the report the attention it deserves:

Staying The Course, Even If It's A Circle

Over the course of the past few weeks there has a been a strong shift in public opinion against the war. While the conflict may not have been popular for a while now, there were at least some idiots that still argued things weren't as bad as the media was making it seem, and that we were still making progress in Iraq.

That has now changed. Even the President--who always acted like Little Miss Sunshine when talking about all the wonderful progress in Iraq--now says it's bad. In other words, he's now admitting that he's been lying to the American people.

A new poll now shows that almost 80% of Americans want to change the role of American troops stationed in that hellhole from combat to training, per the recommendations of the Iraq Study Group. A majority want most of our forces by early 2008.

However, the findings of the Study Group are by no means binding, and political leaders on both sides are backing away from it. The White House has even said it won't do anything until it's own study group turns in its findings.

John McCain has even called for an increase in troop levels, though its not clear where the soldiers will come from. Our forces are already stretched, and the three and a half years of war have taken their toll on military equipment. There is a huge backlog to repair tanks, humvees, and other armored vehicles damaged by combat and sand. Equipment has been diverted from training new recruits and sent to Iraq to fill the gap there. So even if we did send in another 50,000 troops, what are they supposed to do? Patrol the streets of Tikrit on bicycles? Yeah, let's see how a Schwinn ten speed holds up against a roadside bomb.

The result? Even though everyone now concedes that the situation in Iraq is f*cked up beyond all recognition, not a damn thing will change. Our soldiers will keep dying while the politicians keep bickering.

Kofi Anan Bids Farewell

Outgoing United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Anan went to Independence, Missouri yesterday to deliver his farewell address. It was there, in the hometown of Harry S Truman (who helped create the U.N.) that Anan delivered some harshly worded criticism of the current occupant of the White House.

Anan warned that that the U.S. should not sacrifice its democratic ideas and freedoms as it wages the War Against Terror. "Human rights and the rule of law are vital to global security and prosperity," he said, and that when America "appears to abandon its own ideals and objectives, its friends abroad are naturally troubled and confused."

In response, Bush ordered Anan arrested and sent to the Guantanamo Bay Prison where he will be forced to participate in the annual naked human pyramid building competition.

Taking Donations

Vice President Dick Cheney's openly gay daughter Mary is pregnant. She and her partner of 15 years, Heather Poe, are expecting the baby sometime next spring.

Interestingly enough, Cheney and Poe are residents of Northern Virginia. During last month's elections Virginia's voters voted to define marriage as being between a man and a woman. The measure passed with 57% of the vote statewide. The measure did fail, however, in liberal Fairfax county (and the rest of Northern Virginia), which is where the couple lives.

Both Cheney and Poe are remaining mum on who the father is or how the child was conceived. However, stores in godless Northern Virginia are reporting a run on turkey basters.

To Infinity And Beyond

NASA has announced plans for a permanent base on the moon by 2020. The facility would mine hydrogen from the lunar service to fuel rockets heading elsewhere in the solar system. The environment around the base would, of course, be extremely dangerous, potentially deadly, outrageously inhospitable, and completely unsuitable for wandering around in without protective gear.

Kind of like our bases in Iraq now.

Another Example Of Why Islam Is A Peaceful Religion

A 22 year old man has been arrested in Chicago for allegedly plotting to blow up a shopping mall. He was taken into custody when he met with an undercover FBI agent to trade a pair of speakers for four hand grenades. Derrick Shareef was planning to set off the explosives the Friday before Christmas when the mall would have been crowded with shoppers.

Oh, and not that it matters, but Shareef is a Muslim. Hmmmmm.... Imagine that! A Muslim who wants to blow up innocent civilians! What's next? A bear that poops in the woods?

No word on whether the speakers were any good.

Liar, Liar, President's Pants On Fire

The Iraq Study group--evenly split between five Republicans and five Democrats--released its long anticipated report today. And the bottom line? President Bush's war policies have failed in almost every regard.

What? Huh? But I thought things were going really well in Iraq!! Isn't that what our fearless leader--who's Vietnam era war record consists of a dental appointment in Alabama--has been telling us for the last several years? Isn't that also what Dick Cheney--who avoided military service in the '60's by getting five deferments--has been telling us?

My God.... Could it possible that our President and Vice President have been (GASP!) LYING to us all this time!?!?!?!?!?

The report goes on to say that the violence in Iraq is bad and getting worse, and that there is no guarantee of success. In terms of where to go from here, the panel said that there is no military solution to what is happening in Iraq. The only way out is to get Syria and Iran involved and trying to come up with a political solution.

Well, that's just freakin' great. If we have to rely on those two to save our asses, we may as well drop trou now because we are royally fucked.

This dire report comes just one day after incoming Secretary of Defense Robert Gates told a Senate panel that the United States is "not winning" in Iraq, and on the same day that another ten American soldiers died in that godforsaken hellhole.

With any luck, Bush will be up all night trying to get the blood off his hands.

Well, There's Always Tahiti

Many world leaders are condemning the recent military coup in Fiji. The British Foreign Secretary, for example, called the military takeover "wholly unconstitutional."

Well, DUH!! Isn't that the whole point of a military coup? You round up the democratically elected leaders of a country, stick 'em in jail, then shoot them one by one. I'm betting most nations don't generally include that particular process in their constitutions.

Why does Fiji even have a military? All they have in the way of "resources" is a bunch of tropical resorts. Are the islands at risk of being overrun by maruading bands of honeymooners intent on world domination?

Anyway, because of the coup most countries are moving to suspend trade with Fiji. As a result, the country's economy is expected to take a serious hit.

But there is a more important issue at work here: Who cares!?!?! Fiji is what, like eight square miles? Their principle export is grass skirts. And what's the population? Twelve people? Is this really something the world should care about?

Besides, the polar ice caps are melting. In another couple of years Fiji will disappear into the ocean and the point will be moot.

Another Damn Defeatist

Yet another prominent government official has said that the United States is not winning in Iraq, and warned that the Middle East is in danger of exploding into violence. This statement runs counter to Bush's Oct. 25 declaration that "absolutely, we're winning" in Iraq.

You know, I'm getting sick and tired of these damn defeatists who have nothing better to do than focus on the bad things that are happening in Iraq, and try to make our President look like a liar. Don't they realize that disagreeing with our Commander in Chief is unpatriotic? That such negative attitudes only provide aid and comfort to America's enemies?

And who was this government official, you ask? Some disgruntled bureaucrat in the State Department? Soon to be Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi? John Kerry? Some other damn democrat?

Actually, no. None of those. It was Robert Gates, recently nominated by President Bush to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense.

I Once Shared An Elevator With Her

An American Airlines plane bound from DC to Dallas made an emergency landing in Nashville after several passengers and crew members smelled burning matches. The plane was met on the ground by emergency crews. During the ensuing search of the aircraft, bomb sniffing dogs discovered several burnt matches. That prompted the FBI to get involved.

After questioning the passengers, authorities finally found the culprit: A woman had lit the matches to cover up her, um, "farts."

Hmmmm.... Just a wild guess, but forcing a plane to make an emergency landing, causing a massive mobilization of the local fire department, having bomb sniffing dogs go through everyone's luggage, and getting the FBI to question a hundred people is NOT a good way to avoid drawing attention to your embarrassing bodily odors.

I Listen, Therefore I Am

Can The Music Industry Survive?

Tragic news from the world of music as Yellow Wiggle has announced he is leaving the beloved Australian children's music group. The official reason is his health, but some industry insiders say that Yellow's recent marriage to Yoko Ono may be the reason for the group's breakup.

Yeah? Well, It Still Doesn't Prove Evolution

Scientists have long accepted that an asteroid impact--or series of impacts--wiped out the dinosaurs. New evidence found in 65 million year old sediments now strongly suggests that it was, in fact, a single impact.

Geologists studying rock samples taken from beneath the Atlantic Ocean say the proof lies in a layer of iridium deposited at the end of the Cretaceous Period. Iridium is common in meteorites, and further supports the idea that a six mile wide space rock slammed into Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula. If there had been more than on impact, however, then there would have been more iridium layers.

This impact then triggered massive global climate changes. That time period also marks the end of the era of dinosaurs, the rise of mammals, and the birth of West Virginia senator Robert Byrd.

A competing theory holds that the asteroid was actually God's way of punishing ALL dinosaurs because a court had ruled that same sex marriage among Tyrannosaurus Rexes was legal.