Oh, The Company We Keep

Osama bin Laden's number two man, Ayman al-Zawahri, has issued a new video in which he calls Bush both a liar and a failure.

I really wish he hadn't done that. It makes the rest of us who call Bush both a liar and a failure look bad.

Maybe He Was Just, Er, "Campaigning"

If there is a Santa Claus, he just delivered an early Christmas present to Democrats hoping to take control of the House of Representatives. Yesterday, Mark Foley--Republican and considered a "safe" seat--suddenly announced his resignation from Congress. With just over a month to go before the elections, it appears unlikely that the GOP can find a replacement candidate who can defeat Democrat challenger Tim Mahoney.

So why the sudden resignation by Foley? It seems he had sent a number of emails to a 16 year old male page last year. What kind of emails? Well, let's just say they weren't just forwarded jokes.

What makes this even more hilarious is that Foley recently sponsored the sexual-predator provisions of the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act. He also chaired the House caucus on missing and exploited children.

Curiously, Foley didn't try to defend his sexually explicit emails as "research."

Now many people may consider the former Congressman a hypocrite since most Republicans are vehemently opposed to the idea of same sex marriage. In his defense, however, Foley wasn't seeking to marry the boy.... Just bang him in the ass.

Just Call Me Jane Fonda

Oh, great.... Apparently my call to boycott 7-11 has gotten me branded as a leftist!

Well, if opposing a President who has repeatedly lied to the American people, has the blood of tens of thousands of innocent people on his hands, launched the invasion of a country that was NOT a threat to the United States, sent American troops without adequate protection into an unnecessary war, has the IQ of a gerbil, repeatedly turns his back on science, and won't hesitate to cater to the whim of the Christian right even if it means betraying the core principles of the once grand Republican party, then so be it. I'm proud to be a "leftist."

Boycott 7-11

Citgo is Venezuela's state owned oil company and has had an agreement to supply 7-11's with gas for the last 20 years. The convenience store chain has now announced that it is ending that agreement and seeking a new supplier. The move comes a week after Hugo Chavez's United Nations speech in which he called George W. Bush the devil, and complained that the American President smells of sulfur.

For its part, 7-11 claims that it had decided to terminate the Citgo contract some time ago, and the decision has nothing to do with the Chavez speech. The company does admit, however, that it moved the announcement up because of last week's events at the U.N.

7-11's move also happens to come after a number of bloggers and conservative groups began to call for a boycott of 7-11 because of its dealings with Venezuela. Presumably that means that these groups are opposed to to the concept of free speech guaranteed by the first amendment of the United States Constitution. True, Chavez is not an American citizen, but he was on American soil when he delivered those words.

I, for one, am disappointed that 7-11 has made such a cowardly decision to surrender to these freedom haters. I therefore announce that I am hereby launching a boycott of 7-11, and I urge all other Americans who believe in our system of government to do the same.

Well, I mean AFTER I get one last big gulp cherry flavored slurpee.

Heroes

The show I had been looking forward to this fall was "Jericho." That's the one where the people in a small Kansas town witness a nuclear explosion way off in the distance and suddenly find themselves cut off from the rest of the world. It was pretty heavily promoted and seemed promising. But having watched the first two episodes, well, it's just not clicking. Too many little subplots to keep track of, especially one about escaped convicts.

However, there's another show called "Heroes" that I hadn't heard of until earlier this week. The first episode just aired on Monday, but the SciFi channel is repeating it this Friday at 7 PM (eastern).

Basically, you've got a group of people scattered around the globe that are coming to terms with odd abilities. My personal favorite is the geek in Japan who keeps quoting "Star Trek" as he slowly masters his ability to teleport himself.

I suppose that an argument can be made that in some ways it's an X-Men clone, but I would have to disagree. So far, these people don't know each other, and there doesn't seem to be any central figure they can coalesce around. The first episode also hints at some great cataclysm that is about to befall the Earth, and it will somehow be up to these people to avert it.

Tom Shales of the Post pretty much panned it, but screw him. Shales hardly ever likes anything he watches, so why is he even covering television for a major newspaper? In fact, he should probably be barred by law from watching any more TV just to spare the rest of us his constant bitching.

Indeed, the very things he complained about in "Heroes" are what make the show interesting. It's dark and foreboding, with ominous music often lurking in the background. And most of the characters spend the first hour all depressed as they try to figure out what the heck is going on (Except for the Japanese guy, who thinks his ability the coolest thing ever. He even teleports himself into a ladies room).

Anyway, if you get a chance, check out the repeat on Friday.

Cat Stevens Is An Idiot

Remember the singer Cat Stevens? He achieved modest success with a couple of hits back in the 1970's, such as "Moonshadow" and "Peace Train." Then in 1977 he became a Muslim and changed his name to Yusuf Islam.

Now Cat--er, I mean Yusuf--has weighed in on the Pope's recent comments. He says basically that this is proof that the Pontiff is, in fact, fallible. He goes on to suggest that maybe Benedict should read up on Gandhi's views about Islam. The Indian leader had a much more peaceful take on Mohammad's teachings.

Well, gee, thanks for weighing in on the matter, Mr. Stevens.... Or whatever you're calling yourself these days. But before you start criticizing Pope Benedict for suggesting that Islam is a violent religion, maybe you should condemn the way Muslims are killing each other in Iraq. And maybe you should also say that it's wrong for Osama bin Laden to urge his Muslim followers to fly planes into buildings just so they can get their rocks off by killing innocent men, women, and children.

Oh, and while you're at it, perhaps you should also apologize for supporting the fatwa (death sentence) that the Ayatollah Khomeini issued against Salmon Rushdie in 1989.

Do that, Mr. Stevens, and perhaps then the world might give a damn about what you have to say.

Paris In The Fall

In yet another example of the Bush administration's abuse of the law in its zeal to fight terrorism, Paris Hilton has been formally charged with a DUI in California. The charge stems from a September 7 traffic stop. A breathalyzer test eventually showed the TV/porn film star with a blood alcohol level of .08, though police had trouble convincing her that it's NOT just an expression, and you really are supposed to BLOW into the tube.

When The Saints Come Marching In

It was just over a year ago that the Superdome became synonymous with the pain and suffering that befell New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Like the city around her, the building was a disaster. The roof had been torn up, the plumbing hopelessly overwhelmed, and the thousands of desperate people staying there had seemingly been abandoned. Rumors of the lawlessness inside were rampant. Because of the physical damage, as well as associated images of human suffering inside and immediately outside the building, many doubted the Superdome would ever reopen.

Well, the skeptics have been proven wrong. The roof has been repaired, the plumbing unstopped, and the seats replaced. Tonight, after a year of playing their "home" games away, the Saints have returned to their home.

Regardless of whatever the final score may end up being, New Orleans will be the winner of tonight's game.

Satanic Population Explosion

Well, I'm getting confused as hell. Last week, Hugo Chavez got up in front of the United Nations and called President Bush the devil. Then, in an apparent swipe at the United Nations' custodial staff, Chavez complained that the podium STILL smelled of sulfur 24 hours after Bush's appearance.

Then just yesterday, the Reverend Jerry Falwell said that if Hillary Clinton is the Democrats' nominee in 2008, it would motivate evangelical Christians even more than if the devil himself ran.

Which is where I'm getting lost: According to Chavez, the devil is already in the White House. But then Falwell says that no, he hasn't even run for office yet. So which is it? Either Satan's already been elected, or he hasn't. I wish these people would get together and reach some sort of consensus so people like me would know whose overblown rhetoric to ignore.

And don't even get me started on the Muslims, who claim that the POPE is the devil!!

Could someone please grab a heat-resistant DNA test kit so we can settle this issue once and for all?

Osama bin Laden: DOA?

An interesting news leak has emerged out of France. Apparently some unconfirmed reports have surfaced that Osama bin Laden died of Typhoid last month in Pakistan. According to the leaked document, Saudi Arabian security services in particular are convinced that the terror leader has kicked the bucket.

If true, that means that a single celled bacterium with zero I.Q. has accomplished something George W. Bush has not been able to do in five years.

America's Economy May Be About To Collapse

Starbucks has announced it is raising prices. It's coffee drinks are going up by a nickel, and the price of the coffee beans it sells is going up by an average of 3.9%. the new price structure will take effect on October 3 in all stores simultaneously.

Wait, is this legal? Can they raise the price of coffee already in the stores? Better hope gas stations don't find out about this manuever.

Dying For A Lie

During the course of the last several years, an increasing number of people--obviously all unpatriotic and on the side of the terrorists--have accused the Bush Administration of lying in order to justify the Iraq war. Yet another group of America bashing radicals have joined the chorus of voices: The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.

You may recall that INITIALLY there were two reasons cited as to why we should depose Saddam: He was a threat to the United States because of his weapons of mass destruction, and his ties to Al Qaida. It wasn't until those reasons were disproved and the administration began scrambling for other reasons to justify the invasion that the bullshit about spreading democracy across the middle east came into play. And if you want to continue to believe in that as justification for the deaths of almost 2700 American soldiers, over 200 other coalition troops, and tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians (casualty statistics), fine, so long as you realize that someone came up with that one only afterwards.

According to the new Senate report, plenty of people in the intelligence community were disputing the ties between Saddam and terrorists:

Far from aligning himself with al-Qaida and Jordanian terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Hussein repeatedly rebuffed al-Qaeda's overtures and tried to capture Zarqawi, the report said. Tariq Aziz, the detained former deputy prime minister, has told the FBI that Hussein "only expressed negative sentiments about [Osama] bin Laden."

Meanwhile. even while members of the intelligence community were warning those ties didn't exist, the Bush people were publicly citing those non-existent ties as justification to go into Iraq.

And let's also keep in mind that Iraq was NOT some sort of emerging regional superpower (like Iran is today) back in 2003. It was instead a virtually bankrupt country, its economy already choked by more than ten years of sanctions. And militarily it was helpless, with the United States enforcing no-fly zones over the northern and southern thirds of the country. Sure, every now and then an anti-aircraft would lock unto American planes, but our air-to-ground missiles would quickly eliminate those threats.

I sometimes wonder if Bush stays up late at night trying to wash the blood from his hands.

Soon It Will Be Just Us And Uranus

The Cassini spacecraft, which has been orbiting Saturn for a couple of years now, has discovered a previously unknown ring around the planet.

Just you watch: Now these pinhead scientists are going to say something stupid, like Saturn has too many rings to qualify as an actual planet, and they'll end up kicking it out of the solar system.

Whiners

Budapest has been racked by violent demonstrations, and it has nothing to do with anything the Pope said.

Rather, the unrest stems from a recording made public in which the nation's Prime Minister admits to repeatedly lying about the health of Hungary's economy. In fact, he even bragged about lying "morning, evening and night" about it. A number of the protestors have gone as far as to set up tents outside the Parliament building. They vow to stay there until the current government resigns.

Hungarians are such freakin' crybabies! Here in the United States we have a President who repeatedly lied to the American people to get us into an unnecessary war, whose deceptions have led to the deaths of tens of thousands of people, whose incompetence led to the 9/11 attacks, and who resorted to fear mongering in an effort to maintain his hold on power.

But do you see us marching in the streets, storming TV stations, and throwing rocks? No, of course not!

Heck, we even re-elected the man!

Public Service Announcement

Came across a helpful educational video at Law & Disorder. As a public service I am passing it along to MM&M readers as well. One word of caution: You may not want to play this at work or in any other public setting since there may be, well, just one or two bad words in it.

Creative Geography 101

Payton Manning of the Indianapolis Colts surpassed Johnny Unitas' franchise record for career completions yesterday.

An impressive feat, except for one thing: Unitas set his record when he played with the Baltimore Colts from 1956-1972. The Colts didn't leave Baltimore until 1984.

Johnny Unitas was arguably the greatest quarterback to ever play the game of football. He led his team to victory in the 1958 championship game, also known as The Greatest Game Ever Played. Unitas is a legend in Baltimore, and to have one his franchise records fall to someone who plays half a continent away hardly seems right.

Actually, football isn't the only sport facing this question. The Washington Nationals are also in an odd position when it comes to franchise records. Should those records only go back to last year, when they first began to play in DC? Or should one include the time that the team spent as the Montreal Expos? And what about the Washington Senators? That team moved and became the Texas Rangers in 1971. What figures should be used when determining a "franchise record?" Statistics accumulated when the same team played in Canada, or when a baseball team previously played in the same city?

Don't look at me. I have no idea what the answer is. Hell, I can't even figure out how to get us out of Iraq.

Lerning

President Bush says that education is the key to democracy.

Hmmmm.... Well, that certainly explains Bush's problems grasping the concepts behind democracy.

The Force Is Back

Well, I'm finally starting to calm down.

What happened is that last week I bought the latest release of the original Star Wars trilogy. This actually makes the third set I own, including a limited edition and individually numbered VHS box set from ten years ago. What was supposed to make this one different, however, is that it contains the actual original theatrical releases as they appeared in 1977, 1980, and 1983. In other words, without the additional footage that was added for the re-releases in the late '90's.

So earlier this evening I popped disc one into my DVD player and sat back to watch young Luke Skywalker do battle with the evil ones. I immediately became suspicious when that famous opening scroll began with "Episode IV: A New Hope." That subtitle was NOT in the original 1977 release.

As I kept watching, my alarm only grew as more additional footage kept showing up: In the cantina scene, Gredo shoots first, then Han shoots back. In the original, Han was the only one to fire. Also, Jaba the Hut briefly shows up, whereas in the original original trilogy he didn't show up till Return of the Jedi.

Needless to say, I was furious. I began cursing at George Lucas and damn near threw a lamp at the TV.

As it turns out, however, I went to war without all the facts. True, that's not the first time that's happened in the history of the world, but at least when I did it, tens of thousands of people didn't end up dying and the United States wasn't condemned by the international community as a rogue nation.

Turns out that those original theatrical versions are on the bonus discs. In my defense, how was I supposed to know? When I buy DVD's, I'm only interested in the movies themselves. Forget the bonus crap.

And the good news is that these are truly the original versions, completely intact and with no added footage. By the same token, there's no "digital remastering" whatsoever of them, and poorer image quality is readily apparent.

Guess sometimes you need to be careful what you ask for.

Dogma

Pope Benedict has gotten himself in some hot water over some remarks he made about Islam. In a speech in Germany, he quoted a 14th century Byzantine emperor as saying

"Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached."

Apparently some Muslims interpreted those words as being offensive. Islamic leaders have once again declared that their religion is a peaceful one and vowed to cut off the heads of anyone who says otherwise.

Regardless of whether the Pontiff intended his words to be offensive or not, the question remains of just what the problem is. After all, if today's Catholics no longer care what the Pope has to say, why should anyone else?

Obituary

Popeye the Sailor has died of complications caused by E. coli bacteria.

Well, that's what he gets for eating all that damn spinach.

Talk About Bad Intelligence!!

Invading the wrong country is bad enough, but putting your hand over the wrong organ while hearing the National Anthem is even worse.

The TRUTH About Wal-Mart

Introducing The Newest Disney Character: 134340

Okay, that's it. I have remained silent on the whole Pluto debate, mainly because I think the whole thing is ridiculous. I grew up believing our solar system has nine planets, and that's it. End of story. Nothing further to discuss.

So why do we now suddenly have a problem? Because Pluto has an erratic orbit? Because it's smaller than the rest of the planets? Because it attracts attention by its mere weirdness? Well, so does Tom Cruise, but you don't see Hollywood changing his name, do you?

But now these pencil-dicked astronomers have gone too far. Not content to merely demote Pluto to some sort of weird asteroid, they have decided to strip the poor thing of its very name. Yes, that's right. Pluto is no longer Pluto. It's number 134340

You know what this is about, don't you? These scientists are the same geeks the rest of us used to give wedgies to in high school. And now, tired of being stuffed into their own lockers, and still unable to get a date for the Sadie Hawkins Dance, they have decided to strike back. Telling us that we're all stupid to think that Pluto is a planet is merely their way of proving how smart they are.

Could someone PLEASE get these guys laid!?!?! Maybe then they'll drop this ridiculous 134340 nonsense.

Pass The Popcorn

I'm looking forward to that new movie about 9/11. It's going to have Samuel L. Jackson in it, and he's always good.

The title? Sheiks on a Plane.

Revelations

New research suggests that Neanderthals survived much longer than previously thought.

Well, DUH!! They've been running the country for the last six years!

Chutzpah

Back in May, two Fairfax County (Virginia) police officers were killed in the parking lot of their police station by a gunman. Vicky Armel and Michael Garbarino were the first officers to have been shot to death in the 66 year history of the department, and the community's support and outpouring of grief were overwhelming. Streets around the station had to actually be closed off because of the crowds coming to pay their respects. Thousands of people lined the funeral routes the days of the burials.

As it turns out, this outpouring of grief was not entirely universal. The manager of a Texas Roadhouse restaurant near the station was upset by the lost business caused by the recurring road closures. He went as far as to send the police department a bill asking for $9000 in compensation.

Out of fairness, it should be noted that once word of the restaurant's actions got out and the death threats began to come in, the manager withdrew the request for compensation. Still, you have to wonder just what the hell he was thinking.

If you would like to offer your sympathies to the poor guy for having lost $9000 because two inconsiderate cops had the nerve to bleed to death just a few hundred yards away, the restaurant's phone number is 703-378-9887. Ask for Eric.

Putting On Heirs

There are reports that Britney Spears has given birth to a son.

Well, thank God there's finally an heir to the Chrysanthemum Throne.

Lessons

Hewlett-Packard chairperson Patricia C. Dunn has announced her resignation effective in January. Her move comes on the heels a scandal that has rocked the upper management of the company and attracted the attention of California's attorney general, the Federal Communications Commission, the Justice Department, the FBI, and a congressional subcommittee.

The whole thing started after a newspaper published details of a closed board of directors meeting. In an effort to find the source of leak, the company hired outside investigators. Eventually, the phone records of various board members and 9 outside journalists were obtained under false pretenses.

There's an important lesson in all this: Only the White House is allowed to illegally obtain phone records.

In Memory Of September 10, 2001

Today marks the fifth anniversary of September 10, 2001. You may recall it, for it was a day totally unlike any since. Here are just a few of the reasons 9-10-01 will be remembered for a very long time:

* There were no armed fighter jets patrolling the skies of the United States, nor was it necessary to dispatch them when an airline passengerever got drunk.

* We were able to get on an airplane without eyeing the other passengers suspiciously. And once the plane took off, all we had to worry about was the quality of the food--or lack there of.

* The purpose of flight attendants was to hand out little bags of peanuts and fluff our pillows, not to serve as the last line of defense for homeland security.

* Department of Homeland Security? Never heard of it. What's it do?

* Terrorism was something that always happened some place else.

* We weren't afraid of our mail, and Anthrax was just a loud band.

* If we saw white powder somewhere, we automatically assumed someone had spilled coffe creamer.

* No one had to take their shoes off at the airport, and hair gel wasn't treated as a lethal weapon.

* No one gave a damn where Afghanistan was. And what's a Taliban?

* No one had ever heard of Shanksville, Pennsylvania. And no one in Shanksville expected that anyone ever would.

* If we went downtown, the only thing we worried about was getting mugged.

* The Oklahoma City bombing of 1995 was the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, and April 19 would always be associated with that unimaginable horror.

* If a plane had crashed on September 10, our first thought would have been, "Gee, what a horrible accident."

* The only emotion we felt when we had to pull over for a firetruck was annoyance.

* We didn't think twice about getting on the subway, and we paid no attention to who else might be on the train with us.

* Several thousand tourists enjoyed the spectacular view from the observation deck of the World Trade Center today. Assuming it doesn't rain, several thousand more will enjoy it tomorrow.

* Most of all, it was a day to feel good about the future, and our place in the world. After all, this is the United States of America, and everyone in the world loves us.

Yes, September 10, 2001 was quite a day.

Wired

Tomorrow night marks the return of The Wire. For people who stick with it, the show never disappoints. In fact, a reviewer for the New York Post says the upcoming season may well be "single finest piece of work ever produced for American TV."

What? Better than Cop Rock?

I have to admit that for each of the past three seasons, I've been slow to come around and fully appreciate the show. In fact, I even gave up on season 3 after the first couple of weeks. But when HBO began rerunning the episodes this past summer, I decided to give it another try. It was probably around week five that I saw the light and got hooked.

Maybe that's because taken individually, any single episode doesn't amount to much. It's like focusing on the Mona Lisa's nose; By itself, it's just a pair of oversized nostrils. It's only when you step back and take in the whole picture that you fully appreciate the beauty of what you're looking at.... Well, okay, that's when MOST people would fully appreciate it. To me it would still just be a stupid painting.

So I'm not a connoisseur of fine art. But I do know my TV, and The Wire is worth watching.

Is It Too Late To Amend The Constitution?

Congratulations to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, the latest political figure to open his mouth and say something so mind-boggling in its sheer stupidity that it defies the imagination. In a statement that somehow made onto a tape recorder and then onto the front page of the Los Angeles Times, the governator said that Cubans and Puerto Ricans are "hot" because of their combination of "black" and "Latino blood."

It's a darn shame that the foreign-born Schwarzenegger is prohibited by the Constitution from being President of the United States. Otherwise, can you imagine a ticket with him and Virginia Senator George "Macaca" Allen?

Actually, that might be a GOOD thing. The two of them would be so busy constantly apologizing for one ethnic slur or another that they wouldn't have a chance to make undeliverable campaign promises.

But Can The Ones With Really Big Ears Fly?

Scientists in England are attempting to determine if elephants can actually run. Yes, there are probably people out there who have been chased by the seven ton animals and will insist that yes, they can move quite fast. But the scientists are more interested in whether elephants can meet the true definition of running, which is all four feet being airborne simultaneously. The findings will have implications for treating arthritis in the massive animals as they age in zoos.

Stupid scientists. They always have to let the facts get in the way of what the rest of us believe.

Get Off Your Duff & Buy A Recliner

Michigan based furniture maker La-Z-Boy has been having financial problems and is hoping to return to profitability after some restructuring. The company now has 7,000 fewer employees than six years ago, and it has farmed much of its work out to Asian suppliers.

This is disturbing news. Americans are the laziest, fattest people to ever waddle across the face of the Earth. There is nothing we enjoy more than comfortably planting ourselves in front of a TV while scarfing down a bag of Cheetos. Yet our most respected manufacturer of recliners is having financial problems?!?!?!

If our economy can't keep La-Z-Boy afloat, then manufacturing in this country is truly doomed.

Thar's Oil In Them There Waters

In what may be great news for gasoline prices, Chevron has announced a major oil discovery in the Gulf of Mexico. If current estimates hold, the new field may yield as much as 15 billion barrels of crude. Since the US currently consumes approximately 16 million barrels of oil a day--55% of which is imported--this would go a long way to reducing our dependence on people that want to kill us.

On the other hand, the next time a category 5 hurricane roars into the Gulf, we'll be even more f*cked than we were after Katrina.

Crikey!

Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin was killed earlier today, He was filming an underwater documentary off the coast of Australia when a stingray he was attempting to approach stabbed him through the chest with its tail. And if that sounds like an unusual way to die, it is: In the last ten years only 17 people are known to have been killed by stingrays.

Which just goes to show that if you tempt fate often enough, it's eventually going to bite back.

New Dance Craze

Some people just have way, way, W-A-Y too much time on their hands.... But at least they also found a way to stay fit.

Ernie's Here

The remnants of Hurricane Ernesto have been passing over the DC area since last night, and it's made for the wettest day we've had in almost two months. Ernie also seems kinda cold for a tropical weather system; the high temperature at my nearby weatherbug station never made it above 64 (that's 17.8 for you Celsius people). And while it's certainly been breezy, the wind never actually became overwhelming.

Meanwhile, respected hurricane forecaster William Gray has again reduced his prediction for Atlantic hurricanes to only five. That compares with his initial forecast last spring of seven. If the new figures hold, that will make the 2006 season's activity slightly below average.

Some people will no doubt seize on this as further proof that global warming is hogwash. But as I've said before, the thing about global warming is that it's global. As such, it's necessary to look beyond the confines of your own backyard's weather conditions.

For example: While the Atlantic may be calm, the Pacific has certainly not been. Earlier this week, a typhoon with wind gusts of 185 mph forced the evacuation of Wake Island, located between Hawaii and Guam. And southern China has been battered by an unusually heavy typhoon season that has left thousands dead or missing.

On the other hand, deadly weather in China has nothing to do with gasoline prices or JonBenet Ramsey, so why should CNN devote any coverage to it?