Thursday, June 30, 2005

Wednesday, June 29, 2005


Several weeks ago the existence of a second case of mad cow disease was confirmed. Federal investigators have now determined that the animal in question was born in Texas 12 years ago.

Texas, eh? George W. Bush is from Texas.... And he eats beef....

Well, that would certainly explain a lot!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005


I watched Bush's speech earlier this evening, and that's always a mistake. For some reason I always end up with a three foot pile of bullsh*t on the floor in front of the TV.

The one overriding theme in his address was that Iraq was somehow part of the war on terror. But how? Sure, three years ago we were told Saddam had weapons of mass destruction out the wazoo, had ties to Al Qaeda, and was an immediate threat to the United States. But as we've since learned, that intelligence was wrong at best and deliberately cooked at worst.

The President also kept emphasizing that we were battling religious fanatics in Iraq, and trying to keep them from doing there what they did in Afghanistan. This ignores the fact that while Hussein may have been a brutal dictator, Iraq under him was also a highly secular state. The country even had a thriving christian community living side-by-side with the majority muslims. There was nothing fundamentalist about his government, nor was there any danger of it becoming so while he remained in power.

But has Bush admitted to any mistakes? No, of course not. He simply added a new justification for the invasion of Iraq, and that is to spread freedom throughout the middle east. Sure, those are noble sounding words, but unfortunately that was never given as an initial reason for the war.

What's even worse is that tonight's speech again strongly implied that Iraq was somehow involved in the 9/11 attacks. That has repeatedly been demonstrated to not be the case. Bush, in fact, has on occasion come right and admitted as much himself. But then he turns around and delivers these carefully worded speeches that make it sound like Iraq was behind 9/11 without actually saying it and thus getting caught in a baldfaced lie.

Even Karl Rove is now engaging in this doubletalk. Last week in a speech to a New York group, Bush's deputy Chief of Staff said "Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers." This speech was given in the context of justifying what was happening in Iraq, again implying that Saddam was behind 9/11.

And what's sad is that a sizble percentage of Americans continue to buy into that lie.

As I have said before, I consider myself a conservative republican. I continue to believe Ronald Reagan was a great President. That doesn't mean, however, that I'm going to blindly follow Bush off a cliff simply because he's also a republican.

The fact of the matter is that a man named Osama bin Laden is the man responsible for what happened at the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a field in the Pennsylvania countryside. It is bin Laden who killed 3000 people that otherwise beautiful September day. So where is he? Well, no one knows, do they? And instead of devoting this nation's full resources to tracking him down, Bush has our soldiers wasting their time and lives in Iraq, in some nonsensical quest to bring freedom to the middle east.

What's ironic is that Rove's words pretty well summarize how I felt on September 11, 2001. I was glad we had Bush in the White House. He pretty much had the same foreign policy team that his father had during the first Gulf war, and they had certainly proven themselves competent during that earlier conflict. I remember thinking that if Gore had won the election, he would have been content to lob a few cruise missiles in the direction of those responsible, and that would have been the end of it. But it was Bush who eventually won that election, and I--like millions of other Americans--had faith that he would do the right thing.

Perhaps that is why I am so disappointed in what has happened to this administration. I'm disappointed that a President with so much promise failed so miserably to deliver; I'm disappointed that bin Laden has not been killed, tied to the back of a New York city fire truck, and his body dragged through the streets of Manhattan; dispppointed that instead of making a genuine difference in Afghanistan, we opted to split our resources and therefore help no one; and I'm disappointed that all the good will the world showed us in the fall of 2001 has been squandered.

But most of all I'm disappointed that George W. Bush chose to betray the trust that this country placed in him on that terrible day four years ago.

Hand Me The Jack While You're In There

I think we've all heard about the tragic case in New Jersey in which three missing children were found suffocated in the trunk of a car. The three day search for the kids--and the subsequent discovery of their bodies--has been all over the news.

So what did a mother in the parking lot of a Virginia Wal-Mart go and do over the weekend? She locked her kids in the trunk of her car because they were acting up. This is in addition to a similar incident in Maryland a few weeks ago.

Perhaps what should be done in these situations is to to stuff the mother into the trunk while the kids go get some ice cream.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Caution: Darwinism At Work

A man in Seattle recently fell to his death after he and his buddy engaged in a game to see who could hang off a highway overpass the longest. After losing his grip, he plunged to the interstate highway below and was struck by two vehicles. Sadly, this means he not only lost his life but the contest as well.

Surprisingly, alcohol appears to have been a factor.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Bush's Folly

Equality between the sexes aside, the role of women in combat has long been debated. The official Pentagon position on the topic is that it is not allowed. The reality of the matter, however, is that there are no actual "front lines" in Iraq, and women are routinely killed and maimed. This reality was brought home to Americans yesterday when several female marines were killed and wounded by a suicide bomber in Fallujah.

How much longer will Bush's Iraq folly continue? More and more Americans are slowly coming to terms with the fact that the invasion of Iraq was insanely stupid: Saddam was not a threat; he had no WMD's; Iraq was contained by no-fly zones in both the north and the south; Osama bin Laden remains on the loose; and as demonstrated by the various Downing Street memos, the intelligence used to justify the invasion was selectively interpreted and no thought was given to the eventual occupation. As a result, American soldiers AND innocent Iraqi civilians continue to needlessly die, and for what? This conflict is nothing but a total and absolute waste of life and resources.

If you listen to the drivel coming out of the White House, things in Iraq are absolutely hunky-dory. But while Bush remains optimistic, reality continues to rear its ugly head: Last month alone, 80 US troops and 700 Iraqi civilians died.

Cheney recently went as far as to say that the insurgency is in its "last throes." Is he certifiably mad, or has he been into the medicinal marijuana again? Even worse, is the White House deliberately insulting the intelligence of the American people?

Someone in charge needs to confront reality, and they need to do it soon.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Do I Know You?

Eleven year old Brennan Hawkins was lost in the Utah mountains for three days, and his family feared the worst. Searchers were stumped as to where else to look, and there was concern the child may have been swept away in a nearby rain-swollen river. When Brennan finally turned up, it turned out that the reason it took so long to find him is that he kept hiding from his rescuers! His parents had repeatedly told him never to talk to strangers, so when all these people he didn't know kept walking through the woods calling his name, Brennan kept running away.

Perhaps what we should start doing is telling our kids that sometimes it really is okay to talk to strangers.... Provided it's not Michael Jackson.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Guess His Hard Drive Failed

Jack Kilby has died.


He's the guy who, in 1958, invented the microchip. By compressing complex electronic switches onto a single wafer, Kilby made possible digital watches, the space program, cell phones, calculators, pacemakers, microwave ovens, programmable VCR's, computers, and the internet porn industry.

No word on whether doctors tried rebooting him.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005


Vietnamese Prime Minister Phan Van Khai visited the White House today and met with President Bush, the first leader of that nation to do so since the conflict ended 30 years ago. The two leaders talked about further improving trade between our two countries, possible membership for Vietnam in the World Trade Organization, and further recovery of the remains of American soldiers still classified as missing in action.

Afterwards, Mr. Khai was forced to flee to the roof of the White House and desperately grab onto a helicopter as it was taking off.

Rescue Me From The Hiltons

The country may going to hell in a handbasket, but I don't care. One of my favorite shows--Rescue Me--returns tonight (with repeats throughout the week) for its second season, and I'm happier than a pig in poop.... Which is something I've always to experience myself but haven't gotten around to.

The show (on FX) stars comedian Denis Leary as a post-9/11 firefighter in New York who has some serious issues. He's an alcoholic, talks to dead people, and has gotten his deceased cousin's wife pregnant. In the process of accomplishing all this, he has alienated pretty much all his friends and coworkers. Yet despite all that, Rescue Me also succeeds in getting you to laugh.

Yes, the language is raw. But it's also the type of well-written, thought-provoking program you will never find on any of the broadcast networks.

But if you're not into quality TV and prefer mind numbing stupidity, there's always I Want to Be a Hilton. Haven't seen it yet, but the advance word on it seems to indicate this show will epitomize everything that's wrong with so-called "reality" TV.

It's hosted by Paris Hilton's mother, Kathy. The show will take some regular every day folks and make them "'fit for New York society' by teaching them to 'live up to the standards of New York's elite.'" Hmmmm.... I guess being fit for New York's elite society includes being dimwitted enough to be videotaped while getting humped by your boyfriend.

Then again, maybe I should hang around New York's Park Avenue more often. I might just get lucky.

Monday, June 20, 2005

An Easy Way To Always Find A Date

The Chesapeake Bay is famous for its blue crab population. The little critters get their name from their claws, which in the case of the males, have a blue tinge to them. The female crabs of the species, however, have a reddish hue to their claws.

And no, I don't know why they're not called "red crabs." I'm not the one who named the things, so I'm washing my hands of the whole sexist business. But whatever the reasons, it does make it easy to tell the boy crabs from the girl ones.

So imagine the shock on waterman Robbie Watson's face when he dumped his trap and found a crab with one blue claw AND one red claw!

Watson decided to check the underside of the crab's shell. If it were a male, it would have a pattern that resembles the Washington Monument. But if it were female, the pattern would resemble the Capitol dome.

As it turned out, this particular speciman had a wavy pattern, which was roughly a cross between the two normal ones.

According to scientists, the crab is an extremely rare find known as a "bilateral gynandromorph," or a cross between both sexes. It's half male and female, all in the same body.

Hmmmm.... Kinda sounds like a crustecean version of Michael Jackson.

But I Know I Parked It Right Here

It's always inconvenient when your car gets stolen. There are reports to fill out, questions to answer, and snickers from the general public.


Well, yes. Especially when you happen to be the chief of police of the most powerful city in the most powerful country in the world, and your unmarked squad car gets stolen.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Friday, June 17, 2005

Frank Wills, Gone & (Almost) Forgotten

Today marks the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in.

Since the revelation of Deep Throat's identity two weeks ago, a lot has been written about the ensuing scandal, the meteoric rise of Woodward & Bernstein, and the fall of the Nixon Administration.

Yes, Mark Felt played an important role. And certainly Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein are to be admired for their dogged pursuit of the truth. But the fact of the matter is that none of them are the true heros of the story. No, there is another individual who's name is all too often overlooked in the history of Watergate. This is unfortunate, for without him, Woodward & Bernstein would still be writing about the local fire department's dramatic rescue of a cat from a tree.

That man was Frank Wills, and he was the $80 a week security guard who first discovered a piece of tape on a door latch. He removed it, and on his next set of rounds, found that the latch had been taped open again.

That's when he picked up the phone, called the police, and set one of the greatest political scandals of the 20th century in motion.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

A Matter Of Image

Wal-Mart is becoming increasingly concerned that their sales are beginning lag in the United States. Additionally, there is evidence that big spenders are beginning to go to competitors such as Target.

Consequently, the discount chain has begun putting fake hardwood floors in the apparel departments of some of their stores. Higher quality 550 thread count sheets will now be available, as well as cashmere sweaters and plasma TV's. The goal is to evoke the image of a more "upscale" Wal-Mart.

Yeah, right. And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a truck.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Schiavo Autopsy Results

Remember the Terry Schiavo story from March? She was the Florida woman who had been in a vegetative state since 1991. When the courts finally gave her husband the okay to pull her feeding tube, Schiavo's impending death became a circus that rivaled anything ever produced by Barnum & Bailey's. Religious zealots descended on the hospice where she lay, and Republican politicians flushed their "less government" principles down the toilet as they tripped over one another pandering to the Christian right. Congress passed legislation seeking to postpone the inevitable, and Bush hopped on Air Force One to fly to DC to sign the bill. And once the tube was actually pulled, protestors kept getting themselves arrested as they tried to enter the building with glasses of water. At one point, dancing bears may have been involved, but I'm not sure.

Following her death, the Pinellas-Pasco medical examiner conducted an autopsy, and the results were released earlier today. Not surprisingly, it shows that she had "massive and irreversible brain damage." That damage included the vision centers of her brain, thus rendering her completely blind. Overall, her brain was about half the size of a normal one. The report also says that the "damage was irreversible, and no amount of therapy or treatment would have regenerated the massive loss of neurons."

Curiously, Senate Majority Leader (and a licensed cardiologist) Bill Frist failed to determine all this when he conducted an in-depth examination of a two minute videotape of Miss Schiavo, and declared that the 50 doctors who had previously examined her in person were all wrong. On the other hand, he scored valuable points with the evangelicals that now control the GOP, and that's all that matters when you're an opportunistic little weasel.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Pass The Jesus Juice

I can't believe Michael Jackson got off on all charges.... Which is somewhat ironic, since getting off is what got him in trouble in the first place.

Jackson has posted a letter on his website thanking his fans, and comparing his acquittal to the fall of the Berlin Wall and the release of Nelson Mandela from prison.

Now there are those who may consider such an analogy rather presumptuous, but I have to agree with the Noseless One on this. Jackson's acquittal--and vindication of his behavior--is nothing short of a huge step forward for the rights of pedophiles throughout this great country of ours. They have been forced to live in shame for too long, hanging out near playgrounds and school bus stops in their trenchcoats, averting their gaze whenever a parent eyed them suspiciously. Maybe now practioners of pedophilia can finally step out of the shadows and go cruising for kids at the local Chuck E. Cheese without fear of what narrow-minded bigots who prefer the intimate company of--GASP-- other adults may think!

At any rate, I've decided that if I ever go on trial for anything--again, that is--it will be in California.... Because no matter how serious the charges, or how overwhelming the evidence, no jury there will ever convict you of anything.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

More Cowbell

This weekend saw the annual "Celebrate Fairfax," which is the county fair for, well, Fairfax. Unlike most county fairs, however, this one has no farm animals, largely because there hasn't been a farm animal sighted in Fairfax in over 20 years.... Except for that Hispanic family that used to live above me. They kept a rooster and a couple of goats in their apartment.

Celebrate Fairfax is mostly more about rides, high tech interactive games, and the music. This year's lineup of groups included Better Than Ezra, The Smithereens, and--believe it or not--Rick Springfield.

But the reason I went--and this is not meant to disparage Rick in anyway--was for Blue Oyster Cult. I've always loved their music. In fact, any time they appear within 300 miles of DC, I will go see them just so I can hold my cigarette lighter up high and scream as loud as I can, MORE COWBELL!

Anyway, I've been told not to come back to Celebrate Fairfax for the next five years.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Friday, June 10, 2005

Wacko Jacko Fanos

A verdict in the latest (Typically there's one every 4-5 years) Michael Jackson child molestation case is expected any day now. I personally don't know if he's guilty or innocent, but my gut reaction is that the man--and I use that term loosely--is guilty as sin. Unfortunately I'm not on the jury, and they're not likely to call and ask for my input.

The thing I really don't get about this trial is the constant presence of the fans. They're outside that courthouse every morning and every evening cheering him on. Some of these wackos have gone as far as to quit their jobs and move to California--from overseas--just so they can be there every day.

Are they insane? Have they been bitten by rabid animals and driven into madness?

They constantly proclaim his innocence, which leads to the question: How do they know that? Are they privy to information that the jury never got to see? Do they know Michaeal personally? Have they sat in a chair all night long and watched Jackson as he sleeps with little boys to make sure he doesn't touch their privates?

Just liking a person's music and possessing all his albums doesn't mean you know the guy personally, nor does it give you a window on his soul.

It's like the morons who lined those highway overpasses 11 years ago when O.J. led police on that low speed chase. Why were they cheering him on? Granted, he hadn't yet been convicted, but there's was some fairly solid evidence that the man had brutally murdered two people. And now you're going to go out and cheer him on?

Maybe I'm getting old, but I just don't get the whole celebrity thing.

Besides, why is Michael Jackson the one on trial anyway? The real guilty parties in this whole mess, and the ones that should be facing jail time, are the parents who were dumb enough to let their kids stay at Neverland Ranch. I mean, it's not like you're letting your little boy spend the night with an adult you know and trust.... Like your parish priest.

These allegations about Michael Jackson have been around for years, and still these people let their kids spend the night with him? Even if--however unlikely--the whole thing is "sweet and innocent," under absolutely no circumstances should you be letting your 12 year old son sleep with a 46 year old man. That's just so wrong on so many different levels. How unbelievably irresponsible can a parent be?

On the other hand, if Britney Spears is ever accused of knocking off husband Kevin Federline, I'm quitting my job and moving to wherever the trial is. Because, well, that would just be an entirely different situation.

Thursday, June 09, 2005


I couldn't have said it better myself.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Packing Your Trunk

Over the weekend a Maryland woman was pulled over and arrested after a police officer watched her put three children in the trunk of her car. Lanora Adele Lucas has been charged with reckless endangerment in the incident.

Needless to say, some people are making a mountain out of a molehill on this case. First of all, the kids were never in any actual serious danger, except for possible oxygen starvation, heat exhaustion, dehydration, and dying a horrible, fiery death if the vehicle had been rear ended. Secondly, the car was a freakin' Volvo 850! If it had been something cheaper, like a Honda Accord, then I could see where there might be a problem. But a Volvo?!?! My brothers and I should have had so easy when WE were growing up!

My mother used to make us ride in the trunk of a 1969 Ford Falcon, but you never heard us whining about it. No sirree! And as we got older, and the three of us would no longer fit in there at the same time, we had to start taking turns riding while strapped to the luggage rack on the roof.

But we never complained, because we knew how lucky we were to have a car trunk to be stuffed into in the first place! Not like these snotnosed spoiled brats today, who expect the world to serve up opportunity on a silver platter, garnished with little bite sized vegetables.

I remember this one time when we loosened little Bobby's straps as a gag, and he ended up under a Mack truck that had been tailgating us. We laughed about that one for days once he came out of the coma!!!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

I've Been Dissed

I hopped on board the Firefox bandwagon a couple of months ago and have been using it for most of my web browsing. My only complaint is that it does--on very rare occasions--have problems displaying some sites. For example, my Yahoo email doesn't offer me some of its extra options such as bold print, italics, etc. when viewed on Firefox. To get around that, I leave an IE window open just for Yahoo.

On the other hand, the tabbed browsing that Firefox offers more than makes up for that. It's a much faster system than what Windows/IE offers. Plus it offers some cool skins, my favorite being "Brushed." Then there are the extensions, which are little extras you can add. Being something of a weather geek, I now have the current weather conditions and five day forecast displayed in my taskbar. And perhaps most important of all, Firefox has excellent adblocking capabilities.

Even so, I'm always open to new ideas. And since Netscape 8.0 has been getting a lot of press lately, I decided to give it a shot. I went to and tried to download it. It came back with a message telling me that it needs, at minimum, a 233 mhz processor. My computer, however, didn't meet that particular requirement, so therefore I wouldn't be allowed to proceed any further. Goodbye. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

It's pretty embarrassing when even people giving stuff away for free tell you to get lost.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Batter Up

Last month Canadian singer Kathleen Edwards performed in the DC area. She couldn't resist commenting on the Washington Nationals baseball team, which had previously been the Montreal Expos. "Enjoy the continuous losing," she said. "Why the [bleep] do you think they left Montreal?"

The comment was rather asinine for a number of reasons. First of all, you don't go into a strange city and immediately start disparaging it. Secondly, despite dismal expectations for the team before the beginning of the season, they quickly demonstrated that they were not going to rollover for their opponents the way expansion teams usually do.

Then last night they accomplished something that no one had expected them to: After winning seven of their last eight games and completing a four game sweep of the Florida Marlins, the Nationals were sitting on top of the National League East. This is the first time a DC baseball team has led its division this late in the season since 1933.

I bear no animosity towards Ms. Edwards for her stupid comments. In fact, I'd like to offer her a souvenir baseball bat, along with a recommendation as to what she can do with it.

Then, sadly, there are the Washington Redskins. Three months away from the beginning of the regular season, and the team's prospects have already begun a long, slow swirl down the toilet. Sean Taylor, who was the 'Skins to draft pick last year and wasted no time proving himself to be a spoiled brat, has now gotten himself arrested in Florida for pulling a gun on some people.

What a moron.

Everyone knows that if you're a big name sports figure, you don't go around pointing firearms at people!!! That's why the first thing you do when you land a multi-million dollar contract is go out and hire yourself a posse, and let them go around pointing guns at people!

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Friday, June 03, 2005

Betraying The Betrayers

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez says that Mark "Deep Throat" Felt will not be prosecuted.

Well, that's nice. But the more important question is: Who was the freakin' moron who even considered the possibility in the first place? Is the Bush Administration so unbelievably out of touch with reality that they would go after a frail 91 year old man that most Americans consider to be a hero?

In reading various letters to the editor in a number of papers, it's apparent that most people do admire Felt for what he did. But even so, there is still a sizable percentage that think he somehow betrayed the FBI.

Uh, excuse me, but doesn't the FBI work for the American people? Or doesn't that matter? Don't agents have to take some kind of oath to uphold the Constitution, or doesn't that matter? (USAToday: FBI Agents Reflect on Ethics and Obligations)

Bob Woodward has written a piece for the Washington Post describing how he first met the man who would eventually come to be known as Deep Throat. While Felt never fully explained his actions, it's apparent that the FBI had been under enormous political pressure from the Nixon White House. But Hoover--and much of the old line Bureau hierarchy (including #2 man Felt)--were able to resist those pressures.

But then Hoover died in May of 1972, and Nixon appointed L. Patrick Gray as his replacement. Gray was a longtime political flunky of Nixon's, and suddenly the White House was in control of the FBI. This created a lot of resentment among the remaining old line agents like Felt. Not necessarily just anger at being passed over for promotions, but also for what this meant for the future of the FBI's independence. And anyone who doubts this should keep in mind that Gray was forced to resign in 1973. He had been giving files about the Watergate investigation to the very same White House officials that were being investigated! Is it any wonder Felt didn't trust them?

The fact remains that it was Nixon and his cronies who had betrayed the trust the American people had placed in their government officials.

Thank God someone had the balls to "betray" them.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Not Alone

According to a new phone survey, 60% of Americans believe in aliens.

Well, DUH!!! All you have to do is look out the window at the people operating this nation's leaf blowers, and you'd become a believer, too!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Sour Grapes

Many former Nixon aids are understandably condemning Felt's actions as Deep Throat. And I'm sure the fact that many of them did jail time for breaking the law during Watergate is in no way coloring their opinions.

The funniest comment had to have been G. Gordon Liddy's (who did four and a half years in prison for engineering the break-in), who said Felt "violated the ethics of the law enforcement profession." Liddy accusing anyone of violating ethics is a perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black!

Other former Nixon aids, such as Leonard Garment, Chuck Colson, and Pat Buchanan are saying that Felt should have gone to a grand jury or other law enforcement officials instead of the press.

I'm not entirely sure what that would have accomplished. Remember the Saturday Night Massacre? When Nixon ordered Attorney General Elliot Richardson and Deputy Attorney General William D. Ruckelshaus when they each, in succession, refused to fire the special prosecutor investigating Watergate. Solicitor General Robert H. Bork finally carried Nixon's order, an action which years later would cost him a seat on the Supreme Court.

Meanwhile, the FBI--at the request of the White House--sealed off the offices of the fired individuals. With the Justice Department under such tight control by Nixon, who exactly would Felt have gone to?

While some of these former Watergate people may have valid points, they also have zero credibility. The facts are that they broke the law, lied about it, disgraced the Constitution, and tried to cover up what they had done. To whine about it now, and to somehow blame someone else for their own illegal actions, is the epitome of absurdity.

Paris, Meet Paris

Congratulations to Paris Hilton, who has now achieved the ultimate act of self-absorption by becoming engaged to Paris Latsis. No doubt when they have kids, they'll be named.... Paris, Paris, and Paris.

No immediate word on what effect her pending nuptials will have on Paris' (the Hilton one) love of hamburgers.