Seat Upgrade

Actress Lara Flynn Boyle was on a recent flight to London when she began acting strangely. According to crew members and passengers on the British Airways plane, Ms. Boyle stripped naked in the first class cabin, woke a sleeping male passenger, and tried to seduce him.

That does it! No more coach for me!!

Bet You Can't Eat Just One

The upcoming Super Bowl will mark the one year anniversary (okay, one year plus a couple of days) of the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" that unleashed Janet Jackson's boobie upon an unsuspecting America. Since that terrible day of unspeakable horror, a date which will live in infamy, hundreds of thousands of Americans have died in the rampaging tit's evil clutches. Yet its homicidal rage knows no bounds as it continues to inflict pain, suffering, and fatal levels of embarrassment upon all who cross its path.... Especially the fuddy-duddies in the red states.

Budweiser, long famous for its great Super Bowl ads, prepared a special tribute commercial to help mark this national day of mourning. However, after conferring with officials from both the NFL as well as Fox TV, the beer company has agreed to pull the spot. Perhaps they deemed it too emotionally powerful, or maybe they feared it would bring back too many gut-wrenching memories among viewers. Whatever the reasons, the commercial will never air.

However, those of you who feel you are up to handling the emotional carnage seeing it may unleash in your own psyche, you can watch the ad here. Just give it a click if you dare.

And may God have mercy upon your soul if you do....

Sleigh Bells Ring

As if to remind us that winter is not over, a quick look at Mother Nature's day planner shows us that she has a major snowstorm planned for the east coast today. The New York city area is expected to get the worst of it, with 15" predicted under blizzard conditions.

The evolution of DC's forecast was quite interesting. It started off early yesterday morning calling for 3"-5". Not a major problem, but annoying. Then shortly before noon they increased it slightly to 3"-6". Later in the afternoon it went up to 4"-8" and by the time the early evening newscasts hit the air, it had morphed into a serious storm of 5"-9". Then right about the time I was getting to ready to crawl into bed (literally) they were predicting 6"-10". As for this morning's forecast, well, I'm afraid to turn on the radio.

The way those snowfall amounts kept growing reminded me of the effect chapters 10 and 11 of the "Bound" DVD have on me.

Second Verse, Same as the First

Congratulations to George W. Bush, who was sworn in for a second term today much to consternation of godless liberals (personally I'm a godless conservative, but that's a story for another day) who are going straight to hell when they die. It's hard to say what the next four years of his presidency will bring, but if you're the leader of Iran, it would be a good idea to be very nervous.

The people of the United States remain just as divided as before the election, however. So-called red staters (think "R" for Republicans) continue to fervently believe that Dubya is the best thing to happen to America since sliced bread. Blue staters, on the other hand, remain convinced that Bush actually has the IQ of a slice of bread.

Unfortunately America will continue to drift further to the right as the red states continue to increasingly dominate the blue ones. The people of the blue states have only themselves to blame for this sad fact.

The home-schooled evangelicals of the red states will continue to reproduce like rabbits. Meanwhile, the condemned souls of the blue states will continue to use condoms and get abortions, thus leading to their own eventual extinction.

In fact, you know that theory about the dinosaurs being wiped out by a meteorite? It's nonsense. What really killed them off was the invention of rubbers.



P.S.
JibJab.com wasted no time in coming out with Second Term.

Is Nothing Sacred?

Some dastardly hacker managed to access Paris Hilton's Blackberry and read her email. According to a source, the hotel heiress turned international bimbo was extremely upset by the incident.

"It’s one thing to have people looking at your sex tapes," said a source, "but having people reading your personal e-mails is a real invasion of privacy."

I don't know about you, but this story left me absolutely stunned. Who'd have thought that Paris Hilton knows how to operate a Blackberry?

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Coo-Coo

Someone at Virginia's Mary Washington University apparently obtained a computer password and sent out an email to the entire student body. The message reads in part: "A message to all liberals, atheists, God-haters, gays, Europeans and Democrats. As you may well know, the victory of the Great George W Bush has swept the land to give a glorious victory to the righteous against the forces of Evil Liberalism in all its present forms."

Um.... Okay.

Campus police are investigating the case, and the department's police chief says that the crime of "theft of computer services" is a misdemeanor punishable by 12 months in jail and a $2500 fine.

What the chief apparently doesn't realize is that if a crime is committed by a religious nutcase in the name of the Almighty, then it's not actually a crime.

Good Thing I've Had My Shots

Well, I just got home from the hospital. No, it wasn't anything serious, but they wanted to keep me for a while to make sure I wasn't contagious.

It all started when I was reading this interview with President Bush in which he said that his reelection validated his Iraq policy, and that he now has a mandate from the American people. He also says that there was "no reason to hold any administration officials accountable for mistakes or misjudgments in prewar planning or managing the violent aftermath."

Well, needless to say, when I read all that I began babbling incoherently about how the President only won 50.8% of the popular vote compared to Kerry's 48.3% (final Numbers). If he had gotten something like 60% of the vote, then okay, that's definitely a mandate. But 50.8%? Not only is that NOT a mandate, that's barely a majority!!

And this business about Bush having gotten more votes than any other presidential candidate in history? That may be true, but another truth is that Kerry's 59,028,550 votes means that more people voted AGAINST Bush than any other candidate in American history.

Let's also keep in mind that the President won Ohio by 118,457 votes. If 59,229 people in the state had voted the other way, Kerry would be the one getting sworn in on Thursday. What kind of mandate is that!?!

Anyway, one of my neighbors, a diehard red-stater, saw me and called the authorities. The police showed up and saw me foaming at the mouth. Then they called animal control, and when that guy showed up, he became concerned that I might have rabies and shot me with a tranquilizer dart.

So then they took me down to the hospital where they ran a number of tests to make sure I wasn't a danger to myself, and that I didn't have a fever, and that I wasn't rabid, and that I was properly housebroken. After everything checked out, they let me go provided I kept myself properly sedated.

Fine.... BUT IT STILL WASN'T A FREAKING MANDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Brrr
The DC area's fling with spring is now officially over. After more than two weeks of temperatures in the 50's and 60's (and a record 72 last Thursday) we're back down into the 20's for our highs. Tonight will be even worse, with expected lows in the single digits and windchills of below zero (that's fahrenheit, for all you foreign types). With Bush's inauguration only days away, the cold weather is actually rather appropriate. Many people had predicted he would be reelected only when "hell froze over."

Stoned

A few weeks ago the Cassini spacecraft released a European probe designed to land on the surface of Titan, Saturn's most mysterious moon. It has finally touched down, and dramatic photos taken by its on-board cameras reveal, beyond all doubt, indisputable evidence of what can only be described as: Rocks.

Yes, it's true: There are rocks on Titan. Scientists all around the world are agog at the photos, for this proves, once and for all, that rocks are not a unique phenomenon confined merely to The Earth, our moon, and Mars. Indeed, the presence of rocks on Titan is the strongest evidence to date that our own rocks may not be alone in this vast universe of ours.

If true, this discovery will have profound implications not only for mankind, but for how we view ourselves and our rocks in the grand scheme of things.

Bad Moon Rising

The National Football League has fined Minnesota Vikings receiver Randy Moss $10,000. The penalty is for an incident last Sunday in which Moss pretended to drop his pants and 'moon' the fans in Green Bay.

Well, thank God the NFL has put its foot down. There is no room for such vulgar displays on national TV when children are watching. Besides, Mr. Moss is an adult. As such, he needs to learn to control such petty and immature impulses.

Instead of resorting to such disgusting displays, he should have done what any self-respecting professional athlete would have done: Gone up into the stands and kicked someone's ass.

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Frostbite Alert
The unrelenting ferocity of this year's winter continues to brutalize the DC area. Many residents, unaccustomed to such extreme weather, are desperately trying to escape the harsh conditions only to find that the airports are already clogged with democrats fleeing to Canada. To give you an idea of how bad it is, it was 65 degrees (18 celsius) at noon today, and it's expected to top 70 before all is said and done; meanwhile, rumors continue to circulate that republican senators have been rounding up democrats, stripping them naked, and dragging them around the Capitol with a leash.

I take comfort in the fact that sooner or later, spring will arrive. In the meantime I have decided to cope with the vagaries of Mother Nature by going to Wal-Mart and stocking up on some more winter clothes.

I'm thinking Bermuda shorts and a pair of flip-flops.

Remember To Duck When The Time Comes

Earlier today NASA launched a spacecraft know as "Deep Impact.' It's goal is to rendezvous with the comet Tempel 1 next summer. It will then study the comet in a rather unique fashion: By launching an 820 pound probe and smash it into the surface of Tempel 1 at 23,000 miles an hour.

WHOA!!!! Are we absolutely sure this is something we want to be doing? Is it wise to go around the solar system pissing off large celestial objects that may just decide that enough is enough, and it's time to get even with mankind? I mean, we already know that it was a large meteorite that took out the dinosaurs, right? Can we be certain that it was an accident, or did some curious brontosaurus launch a probe to go crash into a comet to see what it's made off?

I don't mean to sound like a luddite, but I think we humans should stick to killing each other without inviting help from our heavenly neighbors.

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Half Price
A German tourist went to a doctor while vacationing in Costa Rica because his leg had become swollen. Expecting to be given an aspirin, the man instead instead ended up in a hospital where he was given drugs to knock him out.

When he awoke three days later, he found himself in an airport departure lounge. The man's luggage was next to him, but a further inventory of his belongings revealed that his leg had been amputated. His wallet had been cleaned out and the cash replaced with a receipt for the operation.

This incident serves to further demonstrate that medical care in the United States is vastly overpriced. If this incident had happened, say, in New York, he would have been charged an ARM as well as a leg.

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Bend Over, Washington

A number of people have suggested that the $40 million cost of the Bush inauguration--money raised from corporate and individual contributions--should be donated instead to the various tsunami relief agencies. As it turns out, that $40 million only covers the various cermonial aspects of the inauguration. Security is an entirely different issue, and the White House has told city officials in Washington, DC that they are responsible for covering over $17 million of the cost of providing protection for the President, assorted dignataries, and thousands of visitors.

Most of this $17 million, according to the White House, should come out of homeland defense grants given to the city. That money was never intended to cover routine Federal functions, but rather to cover the hiring of more first responders, the purchase of equipment for them, and the protection of the ordinary citizens of the city. Of course, that was before anyone realized how much Bush's second coronation was going to cost.

Then again, to hell with the people of DC. That's what they get for voting overwhelmingly for John Kerry!

Are The End Times Upon Us?

A lot has been going on in the world as of late, and there are those among us who say that Armageddon is drawing near. They point to increasingly volatile weather around the world, war, terrorism, earthquakes, and tsunamis. These naysayers claim that the Bible has somehow foretold these horrors as being early signs of the end of the world.

Thus far I have treated such talk as utter nonsense. Mother Nature has always been a cranky old bat, political differences have often been settled by the sword, nutcases have always sought to kill in the name of one god or another, and tectonic plates occasionally shift violently. So until now I really didn't feel there was anything to worry about.

But after this weekend's news, I'm no longer so smug. Sometimes things happen that defy all conventional wisdom, and cause a total reversal in the natural order of the world. Up becomes down; north becomes south; day becomes night; and a previously oppressed people reject the gift of democracy.

I speak, of course, of the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston breakup.

I'm pretty sure I saw something about that in the Book of Revelations.

Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow

Actress Kate Beckinsale has decided to give away her daughter's pet rabbit because, well, it just wouldn't stop masturbating. The star of Pearl Harbor says that the critter was constantly pleasuring itself and trying to hump its food bowl, and her daughter kept asking what he was doing.

"Also, he was boring and, other than masturbate, he didn't do anything," added Ms. Beckinsale.

Hmmm.... I guess that means Ms. Beckinsale wouldn't like me very much either.

Aftermath

The United States Government has now committed $350 million to the tsunami relief effort, and President Bush has called on the private sector to give even more. In an attempt to set an example, Bush is donating $10,000 of his own money.

That's quite a noble gesture, but in the end, that's really all it is: A gesture.

If Bush is serious about calling on the private sector for donations, he could easily take this to the next level. As it stands now, his upcoming inauguration will cost $40 million, all financed through donations.

Skip the fancy parade and the elaborate inaugural balls (there are typically four of them, attended by thousands). Take that $40 million and distribute it among the various relief agencies. Then hold a simple swearing in ceremony in the Capitol rotunda attended by maybe a hundred or so congressional leaders. Afterwards go out for brunch at a local Denny's and have Cheney pick up the tab.

By doing this, Bush could help the United States regain much of the stature it has lost throughout the world.

Back on December 27, I had a link to a Michael Dobbs' first hand account of the tsunami in the Washington Post. Because the power was out, he wrote that story by candlelight and dictated it to the paper over a cellphone. Dobbs has since written a more extensive account of what the experience was like, as well as its immediate aftermath. Fortunately his other family members came through the experience fine, though several of them had close calls as well.

Also, here's an interview a DC area radio station had with Scott Yellin, on the training staff of the NY Yankees. Yellin lives in Thailand during the off season, and barely outran the tsunami on his motorcycle.

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Next They're Going To Tell Us There's No Santa
A man in Denver has admitted to perpetrating a hoax upon much of the world. He had supposedly set up a web site which enabled visitors to click his Christmas lights on and off. Newspapers from around the world carried the story. At one point, a local TV station's helicopter even hovered overhead to provide live coverage to its viewers of the lights going off and on.

One small problem: It wasn't for real. The man had set up a series of photos of his house, some with the lights on and some with them off. As visitors--desperate to give meaning to their obviously boring lives--to the site clicked the switch, the photos would alternate to make it appear they were actually controlling the lights. Oh, and the thing with the helicopter? The guy's wife was in the house manually flicking the light switch. Pretty high tech, eh?

Apparently the man has technically broken no laws with his deception since he wasn't charging a fee. However, he has shattered the faith of millions of web surfers who had thus far considered the credibility of the internet to be beyond question.

What's next? Someone revealing that Saddam's blog isn't really written by Saddam?

The Ol' In & Out

First off, let me say that all you blue staters need to get your minds out of the gutter. That's NOT the kind of "In & Out" I was talking about! Rather, I was referring to the one the Washington Post publishes every January 1. They've been doing it ever since I was a wee little lad in the wilds of Transylvania, and this year is no exception. And as with past ones, the new list is heavy on irony and humor.

Dave Barry also has his annual review, 2004: No Thanks for the Memories.