Guess Where I'm Going
Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" was released on DVD today, and it's proving to be a big seller. Unfortunately it's also generating a lot complaints.

Many people are finding themselves unable to watch it because the hole in the middle keeps healing itself.

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Damn Foreigners
So I wake up this past Sunday morning, and one of the first things I hear on the news is that Tropical Storm Gaston is pounding South Carolina with 70 mph winds. And my immediate reaction is to almost choke on my Pop Tart (Frosted strawberry)(Thanks for asking).

Now I like to think that I keep up with current events and breaking news. So to suddenly hear about some near-hurricane that seemingly came out of nowhere took me very much by surprise. For example, professional meteorologists were warning us about Bonnie and Charley almost a week in advance. And even now, they're already predicting death and destruction from hurricane Francis even though it's still at least five days away from making landfall.

So to repeat: How did Gaston sneak up on us like this? Did it suddenly just pop up out of the ocean, yell "Boo!!" and start tearing up trailer parks? Shouldn't the Bush Administration have been protecting us?

More importantly, what the hell kind of name is "Gaston?" Is that a boy's name or a girl's? And what nationality is it? I'm betting no natural born citizens of South Carolina are named Gaston. In fact, if you ask me, it sounds kind of... FRENCH!!!

All day yesterday, the weather people were predicting that Gaston's remnants would come through DC. One to three inches of rain, they said. In fact, that's what the forecast was in Richmond, VA as well: one to three inches.

Well, as it turned out, we didn't get ANY rain near DC. Not a drop. And the same thing happened with both Bonnie and Charley a couple of weeks ago. Both storms were supposed to come through DC and wreak havoc with massive amounts of rain. And in both cases, we got squat as both of them went off to our east.

On the other hand, poor Richmond--about 100 miles south of here--got soaked with over a foot of rain yesterday afternoon and evening (Survivors' stories). Some of the pictures coming out of the downtown area were absolutely amazing, with cars floating merrily down the middle of normally busy thoroughfares. Many people ended up spending the night at work when the sudden, completely unexpected deluge turned the streets into major tributaries of the James River.

Good thing these meteorologists weren't responsible for forecasting the presence of WMD's in Iraq.... Then again, perhaps they were.

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---------------Michael Ramirez, Los Angeles Times

Cheapskate Celebrities
Actor Matt Damon's 70 year old uncle has become the oldest person to ever swim the English Channel. He accomplished the grueling 21 mile trek in just under 16 hours.

It's a crying shame, isn't it? Damon is a world famous actor who literally makes millions of dollars per movie, yet he's not willing to buy his elderly relatives a damn boat.

Olympic Wrap Up
Well, the Olympics have officially ended, and the question on everyone's mind is: "What the hell happened to the men's basketball team?" I mean, seriously, if there is one single sport on the face of this planet in which we should have won a gold medal, it's freakin' men's basketball!! We invented the game, for cryin' out loud, and the players representing our nation were all professional NBA players! So how the hell could we have possibly lost.... To Lithuania, Argentina, and Puerto Rico no less!!! Granted, we did beat Lithuania the second time 104-96, but even that was a come from behind victory.

On the other hand, their terrible performance should put to rest for once and all the narrow-minded bigoted notion that blacks are somehow more athletic. After all, the American players were all African-American, and they were getting their asses kicked by white people..

Could it be that foreign white people are superior to American white people, and in better overall physical shape? Then again, that's a ridiculous thought with absolutely no basis whatsoever in reality.

Uh-oh.... I just realized I'm almost out of Twinkies.

Thankfully, the women's basketball won gold, and rather impressively at that. Here's a suggestion: Have the American women play the American men. Personally, I wouldn't bet against the women.

But enough about basketball. And for that matter, forget not only all the other Olympic sports but football and baseball as well, for I have a NEW favorite sport: Women's volleyball. Well, more specifically, women's beach volleyball. There's way too much clothing involved in the indoor version. Of course, it's appeal to me is strictly based on nothing more than the sheer athleticism and skill of the players.

Right.

And with any luck, I'll be able to stand up by tomorrow.

There is a men's beach volleyball as well, but quite frankly, who gives a rat's patootie? Well, unless you're the governor of New Jersey, in which case it would probably appeal to you.

Then there are the women shot putters and discus throwers. And if there's a scarier bunch of chicks on Earth, I don't EVER want to know who they are.

There are a lot of water sports represented athe the summer games, and one of the dominant Americans in that particular area was Baltimore's Michael Phelps. He didn't quite tie Mark Spitz's record seven gold, but he did leave Athens with eight total medals.

As far as team water sports go, the hardest has to be water polo. It's a brutal contest, with kicking, slugging, broken noses, near-drownings, and--worst of all--wedgies.

And isn't that really what the Olympics are all about?

Terror Alert
Actress Bea Arthur was stopped at Boston's Logan Airport when a pocket knife was discovered in her handbag. The offending weapon was confiscated by Transportation Security Administration officials.

This comes on the heels of a report that Al Qaeda operatives may be disguising themselves as the Golden Girls.

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---------------Oliphant

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

As much as I hate to say it, I have to admit to admiring Dick Cheney for saying he's opposed to an amendment prohibiting gay marriages. Instead, said the Vice President, the matter should be left up to the individual states. WOW!! It took balls to stand up to the religious right which has taken over the Republican party.

For years I considered myself a Republican. And the reason was simple: They were the party which stood for less government. That's why I supported Reagan in 1976 when he ran for the nomination (though I ended up having to settle for a Ford), and why I actually voted for him in both 1980 and 1984. He was out to tame the Federal government, and return power to the states.

But in the last dozen years or so, the GOP has been corrupted by the evangelical wackos which have infiltrated the party. Bush's proposal to ban gay marriages with a constitutional amendment is but one example of this. His repeated opposition to loosening the restrictions on Federal funding for stem cell research is another. And whatever your personal views on abortion may be, it isn't the government's job to tell you that you can't have one. The government--or George Bush--has no right to impose someone else's religious standards on the entire population. In fact, isn't that why we overthrew the Taliban?

Jeb Bush's intervention in the Terry Schiavo case is another example of the religious fervor which has gripped the party. That situation was an unfortunate tragedy, and it should have been left to the family to work it out among themselves. The state of Florida had no business getting involved in the matter. And back in 1998, then Governor James Gilmore (also a Republican) did the same thing in Virginia in a similar situation.

So bravo to Dick Cheney for remembering what the Republican party used to stand for.... Though I'm still not voting for him.

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Kreme Me, Baby
For years I have been a fan of Krispy Kreme Donuts. However, despite living in the most powerful city in the world, DC area residents had limited opportunities to partake in its sumptuous mouth watering concoctions. There was only one location in suburban Maryland, and another in suburban Virginia. The Virginia one--in Alexandria--was the one I would occasionally visit, usually whenever my weight would dip below 250.

All that changed today with the opening of a store in Washington itself, near the tony Dupont Circle neighborhood. While even less convenient for me than one in Alexandria, it nonetheless proved worthy of a visit: They were offering a single free donut to every customer today as a grand opening special. Needless to say, I was down there early this morning for the freebie.

Then I went home, changed clothes, put on a hat, and went back for a second donut. Afterwards I went back home again, changed, and put on sunglasses. Since I live some 50 miles outside of DC, this running back and forth was proved to be quite time consuming, and it cost me about $70 in gas.

On the other hand, I did get five free donuts, so it was worth it!

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---------------Tuan, via Email

Just Invite Everyone in the Phone Book

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly thinking about having all her ex boyfriends and ex husbands get together for dinner so they can all "clear the air." Her concern is that if she's out with her current husband, Marc Anthony, and they bump into an old flame of hers, things might get a little awkward.

So where is she going to hold this get-together? Madison Square Garden?

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More on Swift Boatgate
Hopefully this will be the last entry about Kerry's war record for a while....

The Washington Post today came out with a rather extensive article on the matter. It explores both sides of the issue, and I suppose everyone can find something in it to further support their own position. The bottom line is that while Kerry may not be able to prove beyond a doubt his version of what happened 35 years ago, neither can the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth prove that he's lying. There are also serious questions about the group's funding sources.

I can only conclude that Kerry would have been better off if he had simply transfered to the Alabama National Guard and then lost his payroll records.

Politics As Usual

A few weeks ago a lot was made of a TV AD by an anti-Kerry group of veterans calling themselves Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. In the commercial, they essentially called John Kerry a liar. The group's leading critic was a fellow swift boat skipper named Larry Thurlow. According to him, Kerry had lied about coming under fire during a mission which earned the Senator a Bronze Star. Thurlow said he commanded another swift boat in the group, and there was no hostile fire taken by any of them. He appeared in numerous interviews and even wrote a book further touting this claim.

One small problem: Thurlow himself earned a Bronze Star on the very same mission for taking "enemy small arms and automatic weapons fire."

Hmmmm.... To put it politely, Mr. Thurlow appears to have a wee bit of a credibility problem.

Or to put it bluntly, Mr. Thurlow is a lying sack of crap.

I personally don't know what the truth is. I wasn't there on March 13, 1969. I was down in the principal's office for tying Peggy Litton's pigtails into a knot.

But one thing there is no dispute about is that John Kerry volunteered to serve in Vietnam, and earned himself three Purple Hearts in the process. I don't particularly care whether they were awarded for life threatening wounds, or for paper cuts. The indisputable fact remains that Kerry shed more blood in Vietnam on any one of those occasions than George W. Bush did during the entire ten years of the conflict.

The Bush camp has denied being behind Thurlow's group and has said they will not question Kerry's war record. They need to stick to that pledge, for their own man doesn't have as much as a fig leaf to hide behind when it comes to Vietnam.

Q--What do Ralph Nader and an Olympic sprinter have in common?

A--They both run only once every four years.

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Sing It, Baby
The producers of the next American Idol show will be in town this Wednesday to conduct auditions. People with no lives have already begun lining up outside the DC Convention Center for a chance to be the next William Hung. What a bunch of idiots!! Don't these morons have anything better to do than humiliate themselves on national TV!?!

Anyway, if anyone needs me, I'm number 23 in line.

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Mike Wallace: Respected Reporter or Unruly Thug?
Senior 60 Minutes correspondent Mike Wallace had an interesting run-in with the law last week. Before all was said and done, Wallace found himself handcuffed and taken to a police station.

The incident began when the veteran reporter came out of a restaurant and saw his limo driver being questioned by two inspectors. Evidently the vehicle was double parked, which is a no-no. Wallace intervened on behalf of his driver, and allegedly became "combative." The situation came to a head when the 86 year old Wallace supposedly "lunged" at one of the inspectors.

Now I don't know what happened. I wasn't there. But I honestly can't foresee any circumstance in which I would admit that an 86 year old man almost beat me up.

That's almost bad as being stripped naked while a 5'3" inch girl drags you around the floor at the end of a leash.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

So Who's Gonna Tell Minnie?
In a stunning revelation, Micky Mouse has announced he is resigning from Disney because he's fucking Goofy.

Storm's A-Comin'
Charley has certainly made a mess of things in Florida. I suspect the high death toll will result in a lot of finger pointing over the forecast. The storm had been expected to hit further almost 100 miles to the north as Category 2 hurricane. Charley, proving once again that we human really aren't smarter than Mother Nature, turned and strengthened a mere two hours before making landfall.

The storm knocked out power to hundreds of thousands of people, and even severely damaged a number of hospitals and storm shelters. Among the odder deaths, a man in Fort Meyer stepped outside his house to smoke a cigarette and a tree fell on him, furthering proving that smoking will kill you.

But Charley isn't done yet. After crossing over the Florida peninsula, he reentered the open waters of the Atlantic and turned north, restrengthening in the process. One of the Carolinas is likely to take the next punch. Later tonight the center of Charley is expected to come up along the Chesapeake Bay into Virginia and Maryland. Consequently Tropical storm warnings are up throughout the DC and Baltimore areas. However, nothing along the line of Isabel is expected.

I'm already making serious preparations myself. I decided to splurge and buy a six pack of Moosehead, and later this afternoon I'll set up my lawn chair and grill on the roof of my mobile home.

Fire Up the Grill
TV cooking show host Julia Childs has died at the age of 91.

No word yet on whether the family will have her buried, cremated, or sauteed.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

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Blowjobs
Florida has suffered a meteorological double whammy over the last two days. Yesterday the state's northwestern panhandle was hit by Tropical Storm Bonnie. And while that storm may have been milder than initially feared, Hurricane Charley has proven itself to be far more serious than expected.

This morning dawned with the storm at a category 2 level, and some forecasters said it might strengthen to a category 3. Instead Charley flipped everyone off and went straight to category 4 status without passing go, and without collecting $200. This has raised two immediate questions: 1) Will damage be more than or less than $20 billion, and 2) How many of the idiots who decided to ignore the evacuation orders by staying behind and throwing a hurricane party died?

And while it's still too early to tell for sure, it is feared that the two storms have done serious damage to Florida's prized hanging chad crop. It is not immediately clear what effect, if any, a reduced harvest will have on this November's Presidential election.

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---------------Boondocks, Aaron Magruder

Pass the Quackers
In a stunning development, the governor of New Jersey has resigned after announcing he is gay. It wasn't that in and of itself that led to his decision, but rather a pending harassment lawsuit and the fact that he "engaged in adult consensual affairs with another man, which violates my bonds of matrimony."

I fail to see how that's the case. After all, when a man gets married he vows to forsake all other women. But his affair was with a man, so what's the big deal? Technically speaking, he did not violate his marital vows.

It's like that Jack Ryan guy in Illinois who withdrew from the senate race because of a sex scandal. But really, what was the sex scandal? No one accused him of having a relationship with another woman--or another man, for that matter. The sole accusation against him was that he wanted to have sex with his wife! And isn't that exactly what a loving marriage is all about, the devotion between two adults to one another?

Granted, he wanted to have that sex with his wife while in a steel cage suspended over an audience of several hundred onlookers, but still, it was sex with his wife.

Geez.... All this talk about sex has gotten me all horny.

Where's my duck?

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---------------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Batter Up
A number of minor league ballparks, as part of a recent promotion, offered fans a chance to vote for the presidential candidate of their choice by picking a bobble head doll. A similar number of George W. Bush bobble heads and John Kerry bobble heads were made available to ticket holders.

Ralph Nader won.

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Lugosi's Def Jam Poetry

My Bonnie lies over the ocean;
My Bonnie lies over the sea;
My Bonnie lies over the Gulf of Mexico;
My Bonnie is packing sustained winds of 45mph and headed for the coast of Florida.

Circles
George W. Bush made a campaign appearance yesterday at Northern Virginia Community College just outside DC yesterday. He said that "We've turned the corner on the economy... We've turned the corner on education... We've turned the corner on Iraq... And we've turned the corner on Iraq."

Hmmm... That adds up to four corners, which means we're right back to where we started from!

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Time to Bury Your Head in the Sand
Ah, now here's an encouraging tale of vigilance out of Las Vegas....

Terror investigators in 2002 obtained surveillance videos of several hotels and casinos taken by Al Qaeda operatives, indicating that some sort of attack was being planned. When the information was presented to city officials, the mayor said he was concerned about the "deleterious effect on the Las Vegas tourism industry" should this information become public.

Say, was this guy once the mayor of that little town in Jaws?

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---------------Robert Ariail, The State, Columbia SC

August? Feels More Like October
A lot of people make jokes about Canada, and I must confess that I am among them. But in all partial seriousness, there are three things I love about our northern neighbors:

1) Molson Ale.
2) Moosehead beer.
3) Their air masses.

Summers in DC can be downright brutally hot and humid. And while the season as a whole thus far has not been as bad as some in the past, it still has been no picnic.

However, Thursday night one of those masses of cold Canadian air snuck in here and cooled things off to near record low levels. Indeed, yesterday morning's low at Reagan National tied the record at 58 degrees Fahrenheit (That's, um, like minus 57 in Celsius, I think). But even that is somewhat deceptive since that airport sits right along the Potomac River. That often tends to moderate the temperature readings somewhat (yet it's the official National Weather Service recording station for DC). In contrast, Dulles--which is some 30 miles away--hit 52. That's unheard of in August, and is a welcome relief for everyone's armpits.

Even the daytime highs on Friday and yesterday were in the low 70's. Quite frankly, there are times in August around here we feel fortunate to get into the low '70's at night.

Alas, the party is just about over. Today is supposed to be about 83, and we'll be hitting 90 again by Tuesday.

But for now I'll savor our good fortune of the last two days by toasting Mother Nature with a cold bottle of Bud.

What, are you nuts? I can't afford Moosehead or Molson!

My, What a Big Missile You Have, Grandma
Well, it has certainly been a busy week for those in the growing terror services industry. The fun started last Sunday with the sudden announcement of a Code Orange alert, which may or may not have been based on intelligence dating back to the days of the Holy Roman Empire. Then later in the week we saw the reopening of the Statue of Liberty even as those who would destroy us were being rounded up by authorities here, in Britain, and in Pakistan.

---------------Walt handelsman, Newsday

The arrests in Albany, NY were perhaps the oddest. In that particular incident, the leader of a local mosque was one of two individuals charged with money laundering. The two thought they were helping someone buy a shoulder fired missile launcher as part of a plot to assassinate a Pakistani diplomat. Unfortunately for them, the whole thing turned out to be a sting operation staged by the FBI.

This is truly disturbing news. I mean, what's this world coming to when you can't trust the FBI?

And where the hell does one buy shoulder fired missile launchers anyway? Does Wal-Mart sell those things? Or Target? Should one try pawn shops instead? Are they cheaper by the dozen at Costco?

In the meantime, various members of the Islamic community continue to insist that they are being unfairly singled out for investigations. Islam is a peaceful religion, they insist. It's no different from any other faith. Well, if that's true, how come we never hear about Presbyterian suicide bombers, militant Methodist hijackers, or Southern Baptists beheading hostages? It's probably just that the Zionist controlled news media is suppressing that other stuff.

True story: This morning on the radio I heard an interview with an Ibrahim Hooper of the Council on American-Islamic Relations. It was a major exercise in nuance. Remember Bill Clinton's argument about what the definition of "is" is? Well, Hooper put Clinton to shame. This guy was arguing that the two men in Albany did nothing wrong, that they're merely victims of an overzealous FBI sting operation, and that they themselves were not guilty of any actual terrorist acts.

Yeah, right. It's all just a wacky misunderstanding over a shoulder fired missile launcher, like what happened to Lucy Ricardo once. Or maybe it was just intended as a Bar Mitzvah gift for some Jewish kid.

Does Hooper have any idea how much damage he's doing to the perception of Muslims with his continued equivocating? Hell, if you take his argument to its logical conclusion, then the 9/11 hijackers didn't really break any laws till they actually entered the cockpits. Good thing they weren't arrested ahead of time because of unfair ethnic profiling!

We certainly can't be having any of that!!

The 2004 Mercury

NASA has successfully launched the Messenger spacecraft which will study our solar system's innermost planet. The last flyby of Mercury was done by Mariner 10 back in the 70's, and data from that mission ended up raising more questions than it answered. By the time Messenger's work is done, scientists hope to learn why Mercury is so unusually dense, why it has such a strong magnetic field, whether there is water in the shaded region's of the planet's poles, and if there are any hidden weapons of mass destruction present. Needless to say, France is vehemently opposed to the mission.

Despite Mercury's relative proximity, the spacecraft won't be arriving at its destination until 2011. Due to reasons having to do with weight and fuel storage, Messenger will perform a number of flybys of massive celestial objects. These manuevers will in turn harness the powerful gravitational fields of Earth, Venus, Mercury, and Michael Moore to first speed up the ship and then slow it down before finally allowing it to slip into orbit.

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Polishing More Than an Apple
Mary Kay Letourneau, the teacher who spent over seven years in prison for having sex with a 12 year old student, has been released from prison.

Seven years? That's it? This woman is a proven sexual predator and makes absolutely no apologies for her disgusting actions. It is obvious she can't be trusted, and yet she is now free to roam the streets.

But what bothers me most about this case is that there weren't any teachers like her around when I was growing up.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

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Celebrate Freedom....
Provided You've Gone Through the Metal Detector
The Statue of Liberty--or at least the pedestal--reopened today under tight security. This proud symbol of America's freedom had been closed since the 9/11 attacks three years ago. Among the various dignitaries on hand was New York mayor Michael Bloomberg. He sought to encourage visitors to come to the Big Apple by saying "To stay home and lock our doors is what the terrorists want."

I agree that hiding behind locked doors is no way to live. But is hiding behind jersey barriers, heavily armed guards, and bomb sniffing dogs any better?

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Pass the Dip
Mexico's Attorney General and a number of his top officials have been fitted with tiny chips to serve as identification devices. It gives "tagged" individuals access to sensitive and restricted areas. In the future, the tiny implants may even be used to track a person's location should they be kidnapped.

The chips are currently available in nacho cheese and tortilla flavors, with sour cream & onion coming in the near future.

Code Orange
Here's a silly question: If you're a terrorist driving a truck filled with explosives, and you discover that your target has been placed on high alert, what's to keep you from simply finding a different target? In other words, by giving too much detail with these terror alerts, aren't we merely steering the danger towards some other, less protected group of potential victims?

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Call me a cynic, but these highly publicized terror warnings are designed more to give the illusion that the government is doing something. In other words, it's a classic example of Cover Your Ass.

Our security would be better served if these things were kept low-key. If the authorities have solid intelligence, and they have a decent idea of what to look for, they should be allowed to their jobs and catch the bad guys. But if too much publicity causes them to abort their mission and slip underground again, all we have gained is a postponement of an attack. Meanwhile, when once again nothing happens, the public is lulled into a false sense of security.