...Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Been hearing ads on the radio for some stage show called "Puppetry of the Penis." It's probably another one of those deals where women sit on a stage and proceed to bash, demean, and mock males (but when a mouse shows up in the kitchen, who do they run shrieking to?).

Then again, it may just involve hands-free sock puppets.

If One Doesn't Get You, The Other Will

A new study has found that people who eat a low fat "Mediterranean-style" diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains have a 25% less chance of dying of cancer or heart disease than the rest of us.

On the other hand, they face an 80% greater risk of dying from culinary boredom.

The Supremes

Don't Call Me, I'll Call You

Depending on who you talk to, our government may or may not be able to protect us from terrorism, SARS, Monkeypox, and Pamela Anderson's growing breasts, which are even now threatening to overwhelm the west coast. Whatever else its failures, the government can shield us from the scourge of telemarketers. Here is the link to the new national "Do Not Call Registry."

Now if they could just come up with a similar deal for spam, I'll be impressed.

Strom Thurmond: 1902-2003

Strom Thurmond has passed away. No word on whether Trent Lott will deliver the eulogy.

So Much For Privacy

Found a site that enables you to look up the drivers license of anyone in the United States. All you need to have to begin the search is a name and likely state of residence. It's an interesting database, but one has to also wonder if making this kind of information available to the general public isn't a serious violation of privacy laws.

You Can Bank on It

Heard an ad on the radio today for some bank that's promising to "forge new relationships with our customers."

Hmmm.... Is "forge" really a word that a bank should be putting in its advertising?

Hold Your Breath & You'll Be Fine

Today's air quality is Code Red, while the terror alert level remains at Code Yellow.

This means that you have a better chance of dying of lung cancer than you do of being incinerated by Osama bin Laden.

I've always suspected this to be the case....

No More Nookie

A recent study has found that many women lose their sex drives after giving birth. Researchers theorize this is due to hormonal changes that take place during pregnancy.

Most married men, however, will argue that women lose their sex drives the moment after getting married.

Breath Only If You Dare

OH MY GOD!!!!!! IT'S A CODE ORANGE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!! GRAB THE DUCT TAPE AND PLASTIC SHEETING!!!!!!!!! STOCKPILE FOOD AND WATER!!!!!!!!!! THE TERRORISTS ARE GOING TO GET US!!!!!!!!!!!!! A FIERY DEATH IS IMMINENT!!!!!!!!!!!! DOOM IS--

What's that? It's a Code Orange air quality day?

Oh. Well, that's different.

Never mind.

Suds

In a clever marketing ploy designed to appeal to her soon to be neighbors, Martha Stewart has introduced a new line of designer soap on a rope.

Summer Solstice Humor

The big news in the world of fine literature is the release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which officially hits bookstores today. It is the latest installment in the ongoing adventures of a young wizard as he seeks to master sorcery and magic.

Oddly enough, today also marks the Summer Solstice, which is considered a major pagan holiday.

Coincidence? Or part of some vast, unchristian conspiracy meant to corrupt our impressionable youth and prepare them for a life of devil worship? One can only pray that such is not the case.

Still, just to play it safe, I'm going to sacrifice a goat to appease the Sun gods.

Rats

I was out walking my pet Gambian giant rat the other day when it ate my neighbor's Rottweiller. Now my homeowners association is hollerin' and screamin' about "dangerous animals," "savage, unprovoked attacks," and "an endangerment to our children." I wholeheartedly agree!

You just can't trust those damn Rottweillers.

Sniping

John Mohammed, the older of the two DC area sniper suspects, is slated to eventually go on trial in Prince William County, Virginia. However, his attorneys are continuing their efforts to have the trial moved out of the area because they fear they may not be able to assemble an impartial jury in northern Virginia.

Not to second guess Mr. Mohammed, but shouldn't he have thought of that last fall?

And in a related matter, Charles Moose has resigned as Chief of Police in Montgomery County. Maryland. Moose became familiar to many as the spokesperson for the authorities during the hunt for the sniper. Controversy has swirled around the former chief ever since he announced plans to write a book about the three week hunt for the snipers. His book propsal ran against the recommendations of the County's Board of Ethics. Moose insists he has every right to put his words to paper, vehemently denies that he is in any way cashing in on the tragedy that was visited on the victims' families, and resents any implication that he would EVER give in to such a despicable temptation.

In the meantime, Moose's side business of selling sniper victim autopsy photos on eBay continues to be a big success.

An Apology To Canada

It seems I owe our Canadian neighbors to the north an apology. Back on June 1 I suggested that George W. Bush was unleashing bilblical plagues (SARS, Mad Cow Disease) on them for their opposition to the Iraq war.

Well, no sooner had I said this that Monkeypox began popping up in Wisconsin, Indiana, and a number of other states. Now it's even starting to look like the virus is being transmitted person to person. But that's not all: With all the rain we've had, the eastern US is certain to endure a bumper crop of mosquitoes--and even more West Nile outbreaks--this summer.

It is now obvious that my suggestion that Canada's problems were the result of Divine Retribution were disrespectful, insulting, immature, ignorant, inconsiderate, demeaning, and the product of narrow minded thinking. It was an incredibly stupid thing to say.

So to all Canadians: I humbly apologize.... Even if you are all still a bunch of sniveling chicken weinies.

Rain, Rain, & More Rain

Today is the 18th, and it has now rained on 15 days thus far in June. Last month we an estimated 35 days of rain (Yes, that certainly IS a LOT of water). As our local climate continues to take on more and more charecteristics of a northern rain forest, many people are bitchin' and moanin' about the cool, wet weather.

That's okay, though. Next summer, when we're living in conditions on par with the central Sahara, people will no doubt be bitchin' and moanin' about how hot and dry it is.

A Bridge Over American Idol

Finally heard Clay Aikens' version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water," and while I hate to admit it, I'm impressed. That skinny little guy can really sing! His other song, "This Is the Night," is fairly good as well. Whatever happened to that other guy...? The one that actually won....? Oh, yeah. Ruben Studdard.

Few people know this, but this year's American Idol was very nearly marred by death. It was about two or three weeks before the finale, during rehearsals, when the producers realized Clay was missing. They looked & looked, but he had apparently disappeared!!

They finally found the AWOL singer when Ruben stood up. Turns out he had accidentally (or so he claimed) sat on Clay.

The fire department was called, and their urban search & rescue team was able to extract the runt from Ruben's backside. Fortunately, they were able to resuscitate him.

The Matirx

Got around to seeing Matrix Reloaded earlier today, and apparently it was reloaded with animal dung of some sort. This installment is not nearly as good as the first one.

The setting of these movies is never quite made clear, but presumably they take place in the future. So why is it that these people are still relying on dialup connections.... On ROTARY phones, no less?!?!?! Is that even possible? Even worse, they're probably using AOL!

No wonder their world is so royally screwed up!

And Afterwards He'll Go Waterboarding

Saying he has "some expertise with this sort of thing," O.J. Simpson has offered to help Scott Peterson track down his wife's real killer.

In other news, disaster was narrowly averted when a vacationing President Bush took a tumble off a Segway. Alert Secret Service agents quickly wrestled the scooter to the ground.

Acting on an anonymous tip, the Department of Homeland Security discovered that Amazon.com is the exclusive seller of the devices. Company founder Jeff Bezos has been detained and shipped off to Guantanamo Bay for questioning.

And He's Out!

Here's a wonderful, heartwarming tale of love out of Cincinnati....
Last month a gentleman by the name of David Horton attended a Reds game with an unidentified woman. A shot of the happy couple making out ended up on the stadium's huge KissCam screen. A fine, upstanding citizen, Mr. Horton had skipped a court date the month before and now had an outstanding warrant for his arrest. Unfortunately, his parole officer also happened to be attending the game.

Needless to say, Mr. Horton did not get to see the end of the game.

Peck No More

The closing credits have rolled for Gregory Peck.

Pass The Chardonnay

Woody Allen has prepared a short video promoting tourism in France. The famous fimmaker also pointed out that the French and the Americans have long been friends, and that our recent differences should be put aside, "even if those damn Frogs did stab us in the back with a large knife and then repeatedly twist the blade."

Afterwards Allen celebrated the occasion with a fine 14 year old Chardonnay.
Unfortunately, Chardonnay turned out to be a foreign exchange student, and her parents were none too thrilled with this sudden development in their daughter's educational experience.

In Case Your Own Family Isn't Dysfunctional Enough....

The ongoing collapse of western civilization takes another giant leap forward tonight with the third season premier of MTV's The Osbournes.

A Pox Upon You

Are you feeling paranoid about SARS? Worried about West Nile Virus? Concerned about Mad Cow Disease? Terrified by bio-terror? Feeling overwhelmed by the constant fear of death from some stupid single celled lifeform too ignorant to even be aware of its own meaningless existence?

Well, now there's a brand spanking new fear to add to your inventory of scary stuff: Monkeypox!!!!

Until the past week, this disease had never before even been seen in the Western hemisphere. Now almost three dozen people in the midwest have been diagnosed with it. Most of the cases have been traced back to pet Prairie Dogs, which in turn picked up the virus from a giant Gambian rat imported from Africa. Quite frankly, anyone STUPID enough to have a pet giant Gambian rat deserves whatever horrible, painful death awaits them.

Monkeypox is characterized by large puss filled postules all over one's skin, a fever of 101.5 or above, a general feeling of lethargy, and an intense, almost overwhelming craving for bananas. If you experience any combination of three or more of these symptoms, immediately pass off your pet prairie dog to an unsuspecting neighbor or family member.

Book 'Em

With the lazy, hazy days of summer upon us, this would be a good time to pick out some books to read on vacation. Whether on the beach or in a backyard hammock, Hillary Clinton and the Order of the Phoenix should make for an interesting read. It hits bookstores today.

Personally, though, I'm looking forward to former NY Times reporter Jayson Blair's upcoming autobiography, The Life & Times of Ben Franklin.

Horsing Around

Funny Cide failed in his Cinderella bid to win horseracing's Triple Crown, coming in third behind Empire Maker and Ten Most Wanted. The finish was not without controversy, however, as allegations soon surfaced that Jerry Bailey, Empire Maker's jockey, had corked his horse.

A Vile Act Of Terror

Arson is suspected in the overnight burning of nine tractor trailers at a beer distributor in Springfield, Virginia. Happening as it did on a Friday morning, the fire is expected to lead to a serious brewski shortage this weekend.

Under the advice of the Department of Homeland Partying, which has gone to a Code Red alert, many bars are already setting up emergency rationing systems.

Cork Off

In a major blow to her wholesome image, Martha Stewart has been indicted for using a corked bat.

A Manhunt Ends

Recently captured Olympics bombing suspect Eric Rudolph was placed on the FBI's most wanted list back in 1998. Hundreds of agents and tens of thousands of man hours were devoted to tracking this killer down. Helicopters equiped with infrared sensors were brought in to scour the mountains of North Carolina. Countless search teams with bloodhounds were repeatedly sent into the remote reaches of the area. Reward money was offered and the elusive Rudolph's picture was plastered everywhere. All told, tens of millions of dollars were spent on the effort. Still, the elusive killer remained at large. And for over five long years he continued to frustrate his pursuers.

Until Saturday.

Despite the tens of millions of dollars devoted to his capture, it was a lone rookie cop named Jeffrey Postell who finally caught Rudolph. No final showdown, no high speed pursuit, no dramatic shootout. Postell was simply out on routine patrol at 4 A.M. when he spotted what he thought was a homeless guy rummaging through a garbage dumpster. And thus ended one of the largest, most expensive manhunts in history.

Forget the hundreds of thousands of troops still in Iraq and Afghanistan. Bring home all the Special Forces guys. Convert the navy into cruise ships. All we need to send Postell overseas.

He'll find Saddam and Osama in no time.... And without the help of the French!

TV Goes FM

Back in the mid-90's the FCC loosened ownership requirements for radio stations. This in turn led to a massive consolidation in the industry. As a result of this, now all radio outlets in major cities are owned by two or three nationwide corporations. Many critics say it is this resulting lack of competition that has led to the uncontrolled proliferation of bland music and virtual extinction of innovative programing across the FM dial. With station managers now beholden to more & more layers of corporate management, no one wants to rock the boat.

Now the FCC has similarly loosened previously strict ownership requirements of TV stations. Under the new rules, the New York Times could theoretically buy up all the TV stations in the Big Apple, and no one will know what the hell is going on anymore. In other words, these new rules promise to do for television what the changes of seven years ago did for radio.

Sell your TV sets now, while you can still get a decent price on eBay.

A Rivers Almost Flowed Through It

Playboy magazine, in an effort to attract a younger readership, was all set to offer Mellissa Rivers $500,OOO to pose topless. They withdrew the offer after realizing that they needed someone younger.

Miss Rivers countered that while the rest of her body may be 34, her breasts are less than a year old and still under warranty.

O Canada!

Countries which continue to oppose George Bush and the policies of the United States would do well to remember the plagues Moses unleashed against the Egyptians. And it appears that the first nation to learn this lesson is Canada. Not only did Jean Chretien oppose the war in Iraq, but now--much to the consternation of the Bush Administration--his nation is hellbent on decriminalizing marijuana!

Curiously, our neighbors to the north have been dealing with SARS outbreaks in Toronto since March, roughly about the time the US launched the war against Iraq. Now the Candian government is dealing with the economic repercussions caused by a case of Mad Cow Disease found in Alberta.

Are these purely by chance, or are they biblical plagues unleashed by a higher being?
Farfetched as this theory of divine retribution may sound, it should be pointed out that Bush (Hmmm... Didn't Moses also have dealings with a bush?) is quite cozy with the religious right.