The Kiss Heard 'Round The World

An Indian judge (er, Indian as in the kind found in the country of India, NOT the American kind found in gambling casinos) has issued a warrant for the arrest of actor Richard Gere. The former Pretty Woman star's offense? While onstage at a recent AIDS awareness event in New Delhi, he swept a popular Indian actress into his arms and gave her some very public kisses on her cheeks.

Many conservative Hindus in India condemned Gere's action as obscene and filed complaints with local courts. In some cities, crowds went as far as to burn Gere in effigy.

It's refreshing to see that Muslims aren't the only religious wackos in the world.

Sex Ed In Catholic Schools

A middle school teacher in Montgomery County, Maryland, has been charged with indecent exposure.

The incident occurred when Charles R. Bouma found himself sitting next to a bus full of students from The Academy of the Holy Cross.... Yes, a Catholic school.... A Catholic girls school.

Mr. Bouma, who was in a convertible at the time, allegedly exposed his genitals to the students on the bus. Once the traffic began moving, he then circled the bus and did it again.... Presumably in case anyone on the other side of the bus missed it the first time. Quite thoughtful, if you think about it.

Oh, and he is also described as having been engaged in a "personal sexual activity" at the time, whatever that means. Someone on the bus apparently looked away long enough to jot down the car's license plate number. Mr. Bouma was arrested at his home later that evening.

Arrested!?!? Does that mean this sort of thing is frowned upon by the law? I better make note of that.

Obviously another infringement upon our personal freedoms by the Bush Administration.

Why I Now Have Nine Toes

Well, I've apparently managed to shoot myself in the foot.

Earlier in the week I had stopped by the Verizon Experience store in Fair Oaks Mall. The employee did a preliminary check and said yes, I could get DSL at my address if I wanted it. After thinking about it overnight, I took the cable modem back to my local Comcast office. They offered to send a technician out, but I told them not to bother. I already knew what they would say: The problem is that I'm splitting my signal three ways (computer and two DVR's). In fact, last summer I was having some reception with some of the cable channels, and the guy who came out went as far as to ask me why I had two DVR's. I told him it was the only way I could think of to make my cable bill even higher.

The technician's complaint ignores the fact that I have had some the same set up for over a year with no problems. So why, all of a sudden, does the size of my signal splitter become an issue? I told the people at the cable office that I didn't want to deal with their technicians any more, and to just cancel my internet service. Besides, I'm still pissed about Comcast's decision in January to drop HDNet and HDNet Movies.

So today I went back to the Verizon store to sign up for DSL, and guess what? NOW they tell me they don't offer at my address. Apparently I'm too far from the local switching station or some such thing.

Great. NOW they tell me this!?!?!

They were able to tell me, however, that they have been working on FIOS here in Warrenton. Hopefully they'll get around to my street soon.

In the meantime, I refuse to go back to Comcast. Their service is too unreliable and their employees are assholes. And when I complained about a prolonged outage back in January, their response was that "we don't guarantee uninterrupted service." Now I like to think I'm reasonable, and I could live with something like 99% or 98% reliability. But when that figure starts approaching the 80% mark, I think I'm entitled to complain.

So for now I'll stick with my Verizon aircard. Granted, if I use it here at home with my desktop, the speed is no better than with dialup service. It takes absolutely FOREVER to download porn. But I've also tried it on a new laptop closer in to DC (where Verizon has an upgraded network), and the speeds there really do rival those of broadband.

Incidentally, my laptop did detect a wireless signal, apparently from one of the neighboring apartments. But when I tried to access it, I was asked for a password.

Not that I would actually have stolen their signal, of course. I was just doing it purely as an experiment.

How It All Began

The Bush Administration: Proud Defenders Of The Sanctity Of Marriage

A while back I thought I had figured out the problem with the Bush administration, but it turns out I was wrong: White House officials ARE getting laid!!!

First it was Paul Wolfowitz and his high paid concubine at the World Bank. Now there's the tale of Randall Tobias, the deputy secretary of state responsible for U.S. foreign aid. His name has surfaced in the investigation of a high priced call girl ring.

Tobias, who is married, claims that he only received massages from employees of the expensive "escort service" that repeatedly visited his condominium. He then went on to say that bears do NOT shit in the woods.

The resignation comes as a blow to the White House. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was relying on Tobias to revamp the way foreign aid is distributed. This is an important task, especially when considers how incredibly popular the United States is abroad nowadays. Said one person close to Tobias: "The president loves him and Condi absolutely loves him."

Yeah, and apparently so did the hookers.

Progress In Afghanistan

While the United States has been preoccupied with its occupation of Iraq, there's news of significant progress in Afghanistan, the country which actually harbored the terrorists that attacked us on 9/11.

Unfortunately, that progress is by the Taliban, which has retaken an entire province in the eastern part of the nation. A local mayor and his police chief were among those killed in the fighting.

"Nappy-Headed" Beats "Rude & Thoughtless"

Actor Alec Baldwin will appear on The View this morning in yet another effort to apologize for that infamous voicemail rant he left his 11 year old daughter. Among other things, he called her a "rude, thoughtless little pig." The actor turned parenting expert left the message after she failed answer her phone for a pre-arranged call. Baldwin blames his short temper on the stress of a messy custody battle with ex-wife Kim Bassinger. Needless to say, the incident has caused a great deal of damage to Baldwin's public image.

Could have been worse. He could have called the a kid a "nappy-headed ho."

That Great Big Sucking Sound You Hear Is Comcast

I miss Adelphia Cable.

Yes, they were in bankruptcy. And yes, their founders are repeatedly being anally raped in jail because they built golf courses with company money. But at least you could count on their internet connection being there 24 hours a day.

So what's Comcast's excuse? They bought my local cable system from what was left of Adelphia, and the level of service promptly went down the toilet.

Back in January their internet connection went down for two solid days. Then for the next few months it was mostly okay, but still subject to occasional brief outages lasting a few minutes.

Then last Sunday it went down and stayed down. It was understandable, since this was right about the time that massive windstorm hit here. It would eventually come back up Tuesday afternoon.

At any rate, when it was still down Monday morning, I actually went to the local Verizon store and bought a wireless card. It plugs into the USB port, so it will work with desktops as well as laptops.... Which is handy, since my laptop dates back to the late 90's and doesn't have a USB connection.

So why do I bring this up now? Because Comcast's worthless piece of crap internet service is down AGAIN! It was down this morning, and it's still down this evening. I'm sorely tempted to drop Comcast entirely and just toss $40 bucks every month out into the middle of the street. Either method would pretty much accomplish the same thing.

But Do They Have Broadband?

Astronomers have discovered a potentially habitable planet outside our own solar system. It is located some 120 trillion miles from Earth and orbits a red dwarf. More analyses must be done before scientists are absolutely certain about conditions on the planet, but preliminary indications are that it has hospitable temperatures, is the right size, and may even have liquid water.

The discovery of this new planet is wonderful news since we've pretty much fucked up the one we're on now.

Love The Earth But Don't Forget Venus

Today is Earth Day, a day during which we should all pause to reflect on the fact that this is the only planet we have. But is that really fair? What of the other planets? Shouldn't they also have their own special days as well? Why not a Mercury Day, or a Mars Day, or a Neptune Day, or a Uranus Day? And if we give Uranus a special day, shouldn't we give everyone's anus a special day as well? And if there's six billion of us, but only 365 days in a year, how would that work? Obviously someone's anus is going to end up on the short end of the stick.

Personally I refuse to participate in such a highly discriminatory and prejudiced concept as Earth Day. That's why I spent the afternoon driving around in a gas guzzling SUV and throwing trash out the window.

I feel better already.

Just Can't Get Good Help These Days

Hours before the presidential election in Nigeria was to begin, someone aimed a large truck bomb at the country's electoral commission headquarters. The driver of the truck placed a brick on the accelerator and aimed the steering wheel at the building. Then the driver, apparently lacking any serious dedication to his work, jumped from the vehicle. Fortunately the truck then ran into some concrete barriers and failed to explode.

Obviously the terrorists in Nigeria have a thing or two to learn from the terrorists in Iraq.

When Irony Sneaks Up And Bites You On The Ass

Towns in Vermont held their annual meetings last month, and 40 of them voted to impeach President Bush and Vice President Cheney. Earlier today the Vermont state senate followed suit with a 16-9 vote calling for impeachment. The resolution says that the pair's actions both abroad and here at home "raise serious questions of constitutionality, statutory legality, and abuse of the public trust." While these votes don't carry any legal weight, they do seem to indicate a serious, growing political problem for the White House.

It's also wildly ironic that President Bush, who has attempted to justify the war in Iraq by calling it an effort to spread democracy, is faced with a democratic vote here at home calling for his removal from office.

A Deadly False Lead

A lot of criticism has been directed at Virginia Tech officials and the local police over their delay to notify students of the first two killings at 7:15 A.M. Specifically, if there was an unknown gunman on the loose, why didn't they order an immediate lockdown of the campus?

When police arrived at the dormitory to investigate reports of shots fired and discovered two victims, they immediately focused their attention on the female student's boyfriend. Other students told officers that the boyfriend had dropped off Emily Hilscher moments before she was killed, and that he owned a gun. Police then immediately focused on Karl D. Thornhill. After all, statistics prove that the vast majority of time, it's the husband or boyfriend who did it.

An APB was quickly issued, Thornhill was pulled over on a nearby highway, and he was brought in for questioning. With him in custody, police were apparently satisfied that no further precautions were needed at the Tech campus.

It was during Thornhill's interrogation that reports of the second, more deadly round of killings began coming in.

This also explains why authorities were so reluctant to pin both incidents on one individual for much of the day.

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over

Last night, in a stunning development that almost reaffirms America's faith in the future of democracy, Sanjaya was voted off American Idol.

Maybe he and William Hung can go on tour together.

An Apology

On April 11 I compared President Bush's intelligence to that of a four year old.

It has been pointed out to me that such derogatory comments are wrong and disrespectful, especially in these sensitive times in which we live. Such hateful words are indicative of gross insensitivity on my part. Free speech is one thing; the wanton insults of someone else, however, are an entirely different matter.

I now understand that I should not have made such a comparison, and I am ashamed for having done so. I humbly apologize to any four year olds that may have been offended.

Some Records Just Shouldn't Be Held By Anyone

People have an obsession with records. Whether it's an athlete running the world's fastest mile, or a salesman running up the highest sales totals in a company's history, folks just like to view records as a mark of achievement. This love of records even extends to the weather, as forecasters love to talk about high and low temperature records.

However, if there is one record no one wants to be remembered for, it's the one for the deadliest shooting rampage in American history. Sadly, Virginia Polytechnic Institute now holds that distinction.

Although Blacksburg is some 250 miles from Northern Virginia, several of the slain students were from this area. Even the gunman--Cho Seung Hui--was from Centreville in Fairfax county. He even went to the same high school as two of his victims, Reema Samaha and Erin Peterson. It appears unlikely that Hui would have known that, however. He graduated from Westfields High School in 2003; Reema and Erin both graduated last year.

And in what can only be called a thoroughly bizarre coincidence, a guy named Michael Kennedy also graduated from Westfields. Kennedy was the 18 year old wacko who shot two police officers in Fairfax County last May.

Maybe someone needs to test the school's water supply.

Wolfowitz To The Rescue

The problem with all the various Bush scandals thus far has been that they're, well, boring. They've concerned boring technicalities of law, and things like that just fail to catch on in the minds of ordinary Americans. Now if only a top member of the Bush White House would have the decency to get embroiled in a sex story, perhaps THEN people would become outraged.

Fortunately, World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz has stepped up to the plate. If the name sounds familiar, it's because he was one of the principal architects of the Iraq war debacle that has claimed thousands of lives, wasted hundreds of billions of dollars, cost Republicans control of both house of congress, created turmoil throughout the middle east, and made America the laughingstock of the international world community.

In return for these noteworthy accomplishments, President Bush appointed Wolfowitz President of the World Bank.

Anyway, Paulie is back in the news. It seems that he appointed some woman he's been boinking to a high level position at the bank, and insured that she's been getting some outrageous level of pay.

Needless to say, lower level employees at the World Bank are none too happy about this. After all, they've been working there for years for minimal pay, and it turns out all they have to do to get a raise is sleep with the boss! In fact, Wolfowitz tried to apologize for his "mistake" at an employees meeting the other day and ended up being booed off the stage.... Yes, by his own employees. Out of fairness, it should be noted that most of the employees doing the booing and hissing had not actually slept with Wolfowitz. Therefore they may not be entirely qualified to be passing judgment on the man.

Dropping The Death Toll

Some genuinely good news put of Iraq regarding that bombing in the Green Zone: The death toll has gone down. According to authorities, as few as two people died in the blast, with anywhere from 10-22 others injured. That contrasts with original estimates of eight fatalities and 40 injured.

It is unclear, however, if the 40 people that died in today's car bomb attack in Karbala will fully appreciate these latest positive developments from Baghdad.

Shaken, Not Stirred

The first actor to play James Bond has died.

No, no, NOT Sean Connery. It was a guy named Barry Nelson. He played Bond in a one hour TV adaptation of Casino Royale in 1954.

Jeez, don't you know anything?

Distractions

Close Call

Sudarsan Raghavan of the Washington Post was in the cafeteria of the Iraqi Parliament building when that bomb went off yesterday. In fact, one of the Parliament members killed was sitting at an adjacent table. He has written a compelling first hand account of the experience (or listen to the audio interview).

Curiously, John McCain is yet to explain how this latest attack fits into his description of Baghdad's wonderful sense of security.

Those Would Have Been Some Big Ass Buffalo Wings

Scientists studying protein sequences found in the fossil of a Tyrannosaurus Rex that died 68 million years ago have discovered a direct evolutionary link to modern day chickens. This is further supports the theory that today's birds are descendants of the dinosaurs that once ruled Earth.

Let's hope they never decide to take it back.

Security Continues To Improve In Iraq

Senator John McCain, who last week proudly proclaimed that we were making tremendous progress in Iraq, should be pleased at the latest signs of improved security in Baghdad.

A truck bomb exploded on a bridge across the Tigris River. Between the explosion itself and the ensuing collapse into the water below, at least ten people died.

Then a few hours later a suicide bomber somehow made his way into the heavily fortified Green Zone. Once there, he blew himself up in the Parliament building's cafeteria. Eight people--including three lawmakers--died and dozens more were wounded.

Sure, that sounds bad, and the news media will no doubt focus on the negative aspects of the day's events. That's what those bastards always do. What you won't see reported, however, is that the old bridge was riddled with potholes, and that the cafeteria was probably in need of renovations anyway.

Speaking Of 'Nappy-Headed Hos'

Well, the suspense is over and we can all rest easier: The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby is settled. Turns out it's the photographer, Larry Birkhead. On the other hand, these leaves several dozen other men, including myself, feeling disappointed and very, very betrayed.

Perhaps now the world can turn its attention to resolving more mundane matters, such as the ongoing war in Iraq, global warming, or the genocide in Darfur.

New: Bush Collectors' Plates

A Matter Of Trust

CBS news anchor Katie Couric distributes little video and audio essays for assorted TV and radio stations. Called Kate's Notebook, the short pieces are usually delivered in the first person. Last week's was no exception, with Couric reminiscing about her joy as a child when she got her first library card. Yes, apparently she was quite the geek.

Anyway, problems quickly arose when it turned out that the piece was an almost verbatim reading of a column by Jeffrey Zaslow that ran in the Wall Street Journal.

So what's the deal? Is America's sweetheart a dirty little plagiarist? Well, no, but the producer that wrote the piece for Couric apparently is, and was promptly fired for her offense.

CBS seems to think that's the end of the matter. However, it leaves unresolved the question of why Couric is reading material in the first person--sounding like she's relating a personal experience--when it was actually written by someone else. Isn't that somewhat deceptive?

If we can't trust Katie Couric to deliver the plain, unvarnished truth, who can we trust? What's next? A photo showing Amish school children, who supposedly shun ALL modern conveniences, carrying plastic lunch boxes?

Child Psychology 101

A lot of people are wondering just what Iran is up to with its very public bragging about its nuclear program. Most recent is their claim that they now have 3,000 centrifuges producing enriched uranium. If that figure turns out to be true, that means they are now capable of producing one nuclear warhead per year. Yet many experts continue to dismiss Iran's claims.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is no fool. He's merely employing reverse psychology, much like a parent does with a small child. After all, look at what happened to Saddam, who repeatedly told the truth by denying Iraq had a nuke program: He ended up at the business end of a noose.

Ahmadinejad's thinking is that if he lies, and says he does have a nuke program, then he'll be fine.

Hey, if that kind of tactic works against four year old kids, why shouldn't it work against Bush?

Free Advice

Maybe Bush should ask her how to get us out of Iraq.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

Hard to believe, but today is the fourth anniversary of the fall of Baghdad. And what do we have to show for it? Besides the 3248 dead American soldiers, tens of thousands of dead Iraqis, and hundreds of billions of dollars down the drain?

Well, we no longer have to worry about Saddam selling WMD's to Al-Qaeda! Of course, he never had any to sell in the first place, nor did he have any ties to Osama bin Laden, but that's besides the point.

But enough with the pessimism!! While we continue to debate the merits of the war, Iraqis--at least the ones still alive--took to the streets of Baghdad and other major cities in Iraq to celebrate today's anniversary.

Granted, they were chanting for the "occupiers" to get out of their country, but at least they were finally unified in a common sense of purpose.

When Progress Kills

Earlier this week Senator John McCain caught a lot of grief for his assertion that the security situation in Iraq is improving. He made this observation after visiting Baghdad with a small entourage of a hundred soldiers, accompanied by a number of armored vehicles and helicopters. Today in a column in several newspapers, McCain goes into greater detail to back up his claim that Iraq is turning into some sort of utopia on the Euphrates.

Well, the man has certainly won me over! In fact, let's take a look at some of the wonderful things that have happened over the last several days in the all-new secure Iraq:

• A truck bomb went off south of Baghdad, killing at least 15 people. Fortunately the explosion took place next to a hospital, so the maimed and wounded didn't have very far to crawl for medical attention. In the old, pre-improved Iraq, this attack would have taken place several miles from the nearest medical facility.
  
  
• Meanwhile, crazy Shiite cleric Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr called on Iraqis to stop battling one another and to start fighting the "evil" Americans instead. Again, it's a sign of progress in Iraq that a major religious leader is making such a dramatic call for unity.
  
  
• Finally, another ten U.S. soldiers died over the weekend in Iraq.

Hmmm.... Okay, I have to admit that last one has me stumped. Perhaps McCain would care to explain exactly how that fits into his concept of progress in Iraq.

EASTER IN IRAQ

Revelations

Easter has been canceled. They found the body.

Going Three Rounds With O'Reilly

One of my goals in life is to live long enough to see Bill O'Reilly of Fox News have a stroke. And I mean a real honest-to-goodness major cerebral hemorrhage that robs him of the ability to express himself in a rational, coherent manner.... Oh, wait. It's already too late for that.

Anyway, my dream almost came true the other evening, but he was able to calm down just before bursting any blood vessels. O'Reilly had just done a story about a drunk illegal alien who killed two teenage girls in Virginia Beach. The problem is that he was focusing entirely on the guy's immigration status, rather than the fact that it was a repeat drunk driver.

Then Geraldo Rivera showed up to debate the point further, and O'Reilly ends up going absolutely ballistic. But what's really scary about this video is that it's Geraldo who comes across as making sense.

Did Jack & Rose Make It Off?

The cruise ship Sea Diamond struck a volcanic reef off the coast of Greece yesterday and sank. Apparently this was quite an accomplishment since the reef is clearly indicated on navigation charts, as well marked with warning lights. Greek authorities are investigating the mishap as a crime and have detained the ship's top officers.

Well, at least it's good to see Captain Hazelwood working again.

Lies, Both Old And New

Does anybody out there still believe Dick Cheney when he talks about Saddam Hussein's ties to Al Qaeda? Well, evidently some people still do, because the Vice President was on Rush "I'm A Big Fat Drug-Addicted Idiot" Limbaugh's radio show just yesterday repeating those assertions.

Yesterday also happened to be the day that a newly declassified Pentagon report became public. It provides further evidence that the invasion of Iraq was based on flat-out lies. Both the CIA and an intelligence agency in the Defense Department had concluded as early as the summer of 2002 that there was no credible evidence that Saddam and Al Qaeda had meaningful ties. However, that didn't stop the Bush Administration from continuing to use that as an excuse to launch the invasion the following March.

And remember the other key justification for the war, the "evidence" that Bush cited during his 2003 State of the Union Address that Iraq had tried to buy "significant quantities" of uranium from Africa? Here's an account of how that bogus letter came to be a basis for war.

Meanwhile, here's a follow-up article on that visit by John McCain to the open air Market in Baghdad. Shortly after that visit--security for which was provided by hundreds of troops, armored equipment, and helicopter gunships hovering at rooftop level--McCain claimed that things in Iraq were obviously getting safer. A reporter went back to interview merchants and shoppers at that marketplace. Bottom line: McCain is an imbecile.

This is unfortunate. I actually used to have a fair amount of respect for the Senator and could see myself voting for him in 2008.

But that was then, and this is now.

Between his continued blind support for this blatantly misguided war, and his sellout to Jerry Falwell and the Christian right, it has become painfully obvious that the man is a fraud.

Well, They Had A 50-50 Shot

Benjamin Houghton checked into a veteran's hospital in California to have a cancerous testicle removed. The surgery went off with no serious complications except for one teeny-tiny thing: The surgeons removed the wrong testicle. Unlike the rest of us, Mr. Houghton stubbornly refuses to acknowledge the humor of his situation and is suing the hospital.

Well, maybe he can find one in his size here.

FINALLY... A Post That's (Almost) Not About Bush

Keith Richards claims he snorted his dead father's ashes. Yes, it's true: The Rolling Stones guitarist, in an interview for a British magazine, said he mixed his cremated dad's ashes with cocaine and snorted them. "It went down pretty well," said Richards, "and I'm still alive."

Granted, it sounds like a pretty damn stupid thing to do. On the other hand, it's not like he invaded the wrong country. Now THAT would have been stupid!!

Probably Just A Coincidence

Some group no one has ever heard of has come out with its ranking of the smartest and dumbest states. I mention this only because it supports my personal beliefs; rest assured that if the list had disproved my beliefs, I wouldn't have said a word about it.

Anyway, it is interesting to note that the five "smartest" states ALL voted for John Kerry in the 2004 election.

Hmmmm..... Why Didn't He Go There By Himself?

Republican Senator and presidential candidate John McCain, who continues to be one of the few supporters of the Iraq war, recently paid a visit to Iraq to demonstrate how safe it was. It should be noted, however, that he was under heavy guard by the American military. He even delivered a speech in a Baghdad market to demonstrate how things were improving.

In what must be a sign of all that improvement, snipers began shooting at shoppers at that same market the day after McCain and his security detail left.

But enough about Baghdad. How are things elsewhere in Iraq? Well, it depends on how you like at it, and some people may portray this event in a negative light, but last week's bombing in Tal Afar turned out to be the deadliest of the entire four year war.

One hundred fifty two Iraqis died in that particular last throe of the insurgency.

Crappy Internet Service.... Literally

WOW!!!

Google is introducing an amazing new way of accessing the internet. Basically, it turns the metal plumbing of your home into a giant wireless rooter.... Er, I mean "router."

The website will tell you if it's already available in your locality. One caveat: It will not work on septic tank type systems.

Space, The Final Frontier

Back in the early 70's, NASA launched two probes towards the outer solar system. Known as Pioneer 10 and Pioneer 11, the craft long ago exited our little group of planets. However, scientists heavily armed with data, horn rimmed glasses, and pocket protectors have continued to keep tabs on the pair. That is how they came across something now called "the Pioneer Anomaly."

Even though the probes are billions of miles from a place called Earth, they are still some 240,000 miles short of where they should be. Unable to get dates, the scientists instead sat around crunching numbers and determined that even after allowing for all known gravitational forces, the spacecraft are not quite where they should be. The only explanation appears to be some previously unknown gravitational force which they have dubbed the Pioneer Anomaly.

AH-HA!!!!!

This proves what I've been saying all along: Gravity is just a theory! And you know what else is a theory? That whole evolution thing. These findings give new credence to my belief in creationism. They also provide new evidence to support my belief that man and dinosaur once roamed the Earth simultaneously, and that The Flintstones is actually a documentary series, and that there really was a person known as Betty Rubble, and boy, was she one hot babe!!!!!

By the way, has anyone else noticed that "creationism" and "cretinism" rhyme? Just a thought, not a prayer.