Happy New Year!!

Flights From Hell

Ever since 9-11, the nation has lived in fear of another terror attack. No one seemed to know what form it would take, but many considered the airlines to be particularly vulnerable. And the general consensus was that another attack on that industry would destroy it.

The current holiday travel season has proved to be a disaster for many travelers. US Scareways, already operating under bankruptcy protection, managed to lose 10,000 pieces of luggage over Christmas. Airline officials blame the weather, but others suspect that the company's difficulties with some of its unions was behind it.

Comair, a regional carrier connected to Delta Airlines, suffered a complete breakdown of its computer system. The result was a cancellation of ALL its flights on the 25th.

Not content to remain competent, Northwest has now joined the party. One of its jets, flying from Amsterdam to Seattle, was forced to land at Moses Lake, Washington because of weather problems at its destination airport. Unfortunately, Moses Lake doesn't have customs inspectors and the passengers were forced to remain on the plane. During the course of what would eventually turn into a 28 hour flight, food and water began to run short, and the toilets stopped working. Local sheriffs' deputies eventually sealed off part of the terminal, and the passengers were allowed into that portion of the building. And just in case all that wasn't fun enough, the pilots ran up against a FAA rule which limits how many consecutive hours they can work. A fresh crew had to be brought in from Minnesota so the flight could eventually continue on to Seattle.

Not wanting to miss out on the party, now comes word that United's flight attendants have authorized a strike if the airline voids their contract.

Hell, at this rate, Osama won't have to lift a finger to destroy the airline industry!

Positively Ecstatic<

Scientists are studying--with the blessing of the Food and Drug Administration--whether the illegal drug ecstasy can benefit terminally ill cancer patients. Specifically, the study will seek to learn if the drug can help people come to terms with their impending death.

Heaven forbid, however, that we should give those same dying people access to medicinal marijuana.

Nature's Fury

The toll in yesterday's devastating tsunamis continues to mount. Michael Dobbs, a Washington Post writer, was swimming off the coast of a small island near Sri Lanka when the wave hit. He has written a first hand account of what that was like.

Speaking of the Post, it's front page featured the below photo from Thailand. The level of destruction, with piles of debris littering the streets and cars thrown every which way, was evidence of the fury Mother Nature is capable of producing. Needless to say, the picture left me absolutely stunned and utterly speechless, with only one thought echoing through my mind:

"I didn't know Thailand had 7-11's."

The Meaning of Christmas

The nice thing about having Christmas fall on a Saturday is that it buys you a whole additional week to procrastinate. But alas, time is almost up, so I suppose I should get my Christmas cards done.

Now many of you are saying, "But Lugosi, tomorrow is Christmas Day and the post offices are closed. And the 26th is a Sunday, so again, the post offices are closed. There's no possible way anyone will your card till the 28th at the absolute earliest. What do you have to say for yourself?"

What do I have to say for myself!?! Hey, I'm not the one talking to my computer, pal.

Once you get past the mental health aspects of it, my system makes perfect sense. Over the last several weeks I've been setting aside all the cards I've gotten. Tonight I'll simply take them and compile my Christmas card list using the return addresses from the envelopes. That way I don't waste time sending a card to anyone who wasn't considerate enough to send me theirs on time.

Pretty good system, eh?

And then tomorrow I'll do my Christmas shopping. "But Lugosi," I hear some of you saying. "Tomorrow is Christmas Day. The stores are all closed. There's no way you can do your shopping."

Let me first say that you're really starting to creep me out with that constant talking to yourselves. Please go see a responsible mental health professional for some help. But beyond that, all the stores are NOT closed. 7-11 is open!

Yes, it's true. I do my Christmas shopping at a convenience store. Perhaps a bit odd by societal standards, but certainly not as weird as trying to converse with me through a computer screen. And if you think about it, Christmas shopping at 7-11 actually makes a lot of sense. Not only can I buy my presents and wrapping paper, but I can also fill up on gas and eat breakfast, all at the same time!

The only drawback is getting the scotch tape to stick when I wrap those frozen burritos.

Track Him, Shoot Him, And Skin Him

For those of you who wish to track Santa during his Christmas Eve journey, whether for the enjoyment of your kids or simply for a chance to take a shot at the jolly old elf, you can click the sleigh to the left. For the 50th year in a row, NORAD stops by scanning the skies for missiles carrying instant, fiery death, and instead devotes its full resources to tracking Santa Claus.

I don't know about you, but I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart just thinking about that.... Followed by a deep, primal sense of utter terror deep in the pit of my stomach.

Now in case you don't have a computer and are thus unable to read this blog entry, NORAD is also providing a helpful toll free phone number at 1-877-446-6723. You can call for eyewitness accounts of Santa's flyovers, as well as the likely trajectories of any nuclear missiles launched by hostile powers because our guard was down.

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Wonder If She's Met Mr. Broom Handle Yet?
Martha Stewart is complaining that not only is prison life is harsh, but that the food is bad! She has also begun calling for reforms in sentencing guidelines.

This is a very noble cause that Miss Stewart has undertaken, and is certainly not influenced in anyway by her own current situation.

On the other hand, she has already made her own impact on the prison system:

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But Would Someone Have Still Come Up With Grand Theft Auto?
Heard the following on a local radio station, but have no idea who actually wrote it.

If The Three Wise Men had actually been Three Wise Women, they would have stopped to ask for directions and arrived in time.

They would have helped deliver the baby Jesus.

Afterwards they would have cleaned the manger.

They would have brought practical gifts, including a nice casserole dish.

And we really would have peace on Earth.

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Traffic

If there's one thing we here in Washington are proud of--aside from the creation of ever larger bureaucracies, that is--it's our traffic congestion. Our traffic is currently ranked third worst in the nation, and we're damn proud of it. Some day soon we hope to be number one.

One of the wonderful things about such horrible congestion is that it really doesn't take much to bring entire highways to a halt. It's not unusual to encounter a two mile backup simply because someone is changing a tire on the OTHER side of the highway.

This morning's mess, however, became the stuff of legend. Shortly before 4 A.M. a tanker truck loaded with 8000 gallons of fuel went over a guardrail and exploded. Fortunately, this did not happen out in the middle of the boondocks where such a spectacular event would have been wasted on the cows. No, this happened about a mile outside DC and within a half mile or so of the Pentagon (Thereby causing a brief sense of panic among nearby residents who feared another 9/11). Interstate 395, which is the principle route into the city from Virginia, ended up being closed in both directions for much of the morning rush hour. To make thing even more interesting, the burning fuel also got into the storm drains and sewers.

There was no immediate word on what effect this would have on the alligators that live down there.

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And Wash Your Hands Afterwards
Lovers of great literature will be pleased to learn that Courtney Love is planning a tell-all book in which she plans to name names. It is not immediately clear if those will be the names of the men she's been with, or the names of the various viruses she's encountered. Either way, it should be a really thick book.

The first 1,000 thousand buyers will receive a complementary biohazard suit.

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Heavenly Sightings

The International Space Station has been suffering from neglect and deferred maintenance since the US Shuttle fleet was grounded almost two years ago. Still, the mission goes on, and the Russians recently launched a robotic resupply mission with much needed food. The two craft will rendezvous on Christmas day.

Weather permitting, the International Space Station will be visible to the naked eye several times during the upcoming holidays. To us Earthbound observers, it will appear as a steady point of light moving swiftly across the night sky, trailing several thousand miles of debris, trash, and spare parts.

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There Were Quite A Few Of Them Lying Around The Parking Lot

You know that expression about it being cold enough to freeze "your balls off?" That's pretty much describes today. The temperatures were in the single digits this morning in many areas, with windchills pushing -10. But that's okay, because the highs this afternoon were relatively balmy in the low 20's.

Where the hell's that global warming Bush promised us?

All this cold follows a relatively interesting afternoon yesterday. The front that came through first hit with rain, which quickly became snow. That transition was actually heralded by a few claps of thunder. There is something vaguely Armageddon-like about lightning during a blizzard.

After chipping the ice, snow, and minor glacial formations off my car this morning, I decided to run back inside for a few minutes to warm up. That's when I felt it: Something akin to large fuzzy marbles rolling down the inside of my pants leg. This was a somewhat disconcerting sensation, and when I looked to see what was going on, it turned out to be my testicles! That's right, my balls had quite literally frozen off!!

Anyway, I just used duct tape to reattach them, and everything seems to be fine now.

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Official Crap Catcher

Poor Donald Rumsfeld. Things just getting worse for him. Last week he was catching a lot of crap over the lack of armor for the troops, and now he's in a new sandstorm of criticism because he wasn't personally signing the condolence letters to the families of those killed in Iraq. Instead, a machine was stamping his apparent signature on the letters while misleading family members into thinking he had done so himself.

So if I understand this correctly, not only was his negligence contributing to the high casulty count, he didn't feel it was worth his time to pick up a pen to express his remorse over the very deaths he was partially responsible for!

Now if that's not irony, I don't know what is.

At Least Homer Is Staying Put

In a surprise move, the Oakland A's have traded Mulder to the Cardinals.

Hell, I didn't even know he had left the 'X-Files!'

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Christmas Greetings
Some how it just wouldn't be the holidays if you didn't hear from old friends, such as the guy who killed who killed 3000 Americans on a single day. Of course, that's not counting the hundreds of others killed in attacks overseas since 9/11.

But at least we caught Saddam! Now if only he had been threat....

Arson Arrest

Last week someone set fire to over two dozen homes under construction in Charles County, Maryland. Over ten million dollars worth of damage was done, and the case has been described as the largest arson case ever in that state's history. Early speculation was that eco terrorists were responsible since the development was in an environmentally sensitive area.

However, in what can only be described as a surprise development, authorities have arrested a security guard who worked at the site. It is not yet clear what his motive was.

More importantly, what the hell was he thinking? If someone supposedly sneaked in and set fire to all those homes on his shift, he would end up looking bad. On the other hand, the mere fact that he may turn out to be the person responsible also makes him look bad.... To put it mildly. So it's an obvious lose-lose situation!

Meanwhile, DC area baseball fans continue to seek DC Council Chairwoman Linda Cropp for singlehandedly torching DC's prospects for a baseball team.

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Spit Happens

Scientists have discovered that a person can use spit to detect oral cancer, as well as certain other tumors.

Hmmm.... Maybe I can convince Britney Spears to let me give her an exam.

What's that? Spit can only detect tumors in yourself, not in someone else!?!

Well, don't tell her that, and maybe I'll still stand a chance!

Speaking of Britney, she recently took her pet poodle out to a fancy-schmancy restaurant in Vegas and ordered a $100 steak just for him. Sadly, it turned out the dog had better table manners than Britney's husband.

Lost And Not Found

One of my favorite shows on TV remains the ever intriguing 'Lost.' And in case there had been any doubt of my loyalty, it was erased last week with the 'Star Trek' reference.

Two of the characters were out searching for someone, and one of them had marking their trail with pieces of cloth torn from a red shirt. So He makes some reference about how he suddenly feels very expendable because of what always happens to the people with the red shirts on 'Star Trek.' Never having seen the show, the other guy doesn't understand the reference. So the first guy goes into this explanation about how Kirk would beam down to a planet with a group, and inevitably it would be some guy in the red shirt who ends up being eaten by the alien, or turned into a cube of salt, or vaporized in a surprise attack.

So the second guy thinks about this a moment and says, "I guess the Captain was a piss poor leader."

An interesting point, but probably not one I would bring up to Captain Kirk while he's cleaning his phaser.

I mention this up because 'Lost' is going into reruns for a while, and ABC is airing the first two episodes tomorrow (Wednesday) night. If you have any interest in checking out the show, this would be a good time to start.

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Justice

For the past couple of weeks, Scott Peterson's attorneys have been parading family members and his close friends through the courtroom to talk about what a wonderful, caring human being he is. It was all very touching and moving, and I don't doubt that Scott really was an exemplary person.... Right up until the point he decided to chop his pregnant wife's head off and dump her body in the ocean. That's the sort of temporary lapse in judgement that--rightly or wrongly--tends to overshadow the time you helped change a total stranger's flat tire.

Today the jury proved that it wasn't moved by the warm fuzzy stories, and decided to sentence Scott Peterson to death.

I realize that most of the world considers capital punishment barbaric, but I have no problem with it in principle. If a person is guilty of deliberately killing another human being, then the death penalty is justified.

Some critics argue that it merely lowers society to the level of the murderer. Well, that may or may not be true. But it is true that the killer once made a deliberate decision to take another life. Therefore, if he or she has no problem with it, then why shouldn't the rest of us apply the same standard when it comes to meting out justice?

I will admit, however, that in the real world the death penalty is applied unevenly. All too often it is the poor and destitute who can't afford high priced legal talent who end up getting stuck with the ultimate penalty. And there have been too many recent cases in which it has turned out, thanks to advances in DNA testing, that the wrong person has been behind bars, or even on death row. Granted, to date there have been no proven cases of an innocent person being executed, but there have been close calls.

The problem isn't with the death penalty itself, but rather with the overall justice system. If we're going to sentence someone to die, we need to be damn sure that the person is truly guilty and not just the victim of an overworked public defender. But in cases where there really is no doubt--where the evidence is truly solid--there is no need to feel sorry for a cold blooded killer.

Spin Doctor

Chrysler has reluctantly agreed to recall 600,000 Dodge trucks and SUV's because the ball joints have a tendancy to fail. If that happens, the front suspension collapses and the wheel may come completely off. Even so, company spokesman Max Gates insists this is not a "safety issue."

Huh? A freaking wheel falling off at 60 mph is not a safety issue!?!?!

Anyone able to so completely ignore facts, shut out the real world, and exist in blissful state of absolute denial should consider getting a job with the Bush Administration.

The Atkins Diet Is So Yesterday
Some guy in Minnesota has come out with a new weight loss plan called the Northwoods Diet. This comes as the Atkins and South Beach diets are waning in popularity.

What the heck.... I may as well get rich by coming out my own plan for shedding pounds. I'm going to call it the "Put Down the F*cking Cupcakes and Get Up Off Your Fat Ass Diet."

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---------------Oliphant

Happy Holidays, You're Fired!
Just in time for the holidays, America On Line has laid off 750 employees. The layoffs were prompted by the company's ongoing loss of subscribers. In fact, AOL has lost about 2 million customers over the past year.

However, no one was laid off at any of the company's call centers, so most AOL users shouldn't notice a deterioration in service.

On the other hand, how would anyone tell the difference?

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---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

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Not Just for Gargling
Police in Des Moines, Iowa were called to check on a man who had been drinking mouthwash. Rescue squad workers were also summoned to the scene, but it turned out the man was fine, though somewhat inebriated. According to those who examined him, the man had been drinking mouthwash for some ten years now. And even though there are warnings on the bottles not to swallow the mouthwash, his body had come to tolerate the otherwise poisonous ingredients.

Well, the guy may be a drunk and a total failure as a human being, but at least he practices good oral hygiene.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Giant Slayers
Last week I predicted, after a great deal of thoughtful ananlysis of the facts, a careful review of past history, and several six packs of cheap beer, that the Redskins would not score more than 20 points again in a single game until the year 2072. Well, earlier today they defeated the New York Giants 31-7. Hmmm.... Obviously my knack for predicting the future, begun when I so accurately called the presidential election last month, remains intact.

Anybody want some stock market tips?

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Cream Filled Evidence
A Krispy Kreme deliveryman in Pennsylvania stopped at a store and foolishly left the engine running. Needless to say, someone jumped into the truck and took off. Police were quickly called, and found that this would be an easy case to solve since the back doors had been left open. It seems that as the thief made his getaway, he ended up leaving a trail of donuts behind him.

Police simply followed the trail to an adjacent town where they were able to recover the stolen vehicle.

No immediate word on whether the investigating officers kept stopping to eat the donuts.

Is That A Wand In Your Shorts Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
For a number of years now, the Washington Wizards have been something of a joke within the NBA. Season after season, their records were among the worst in the league.

Things may finally be turning around for them, however, as they are off to their best start since 1985. They've won five of their last six games, and are 8-5 for the season thus far.

There is, however, one highly disappointing aspect of their play: So far, none of the players have gone into the stands to kick anyone's ass.

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---------------Oliphant

O Canada
President Bush is currently in Canada trying to mend fences with our northern neighbors. The people of that country, like 99% of the rest of the world, remain vehemently opposed to what the United States has done in Iraq, and they continue to greet the President with the ol' one fingered salute whenever his motorcade passes by. In fact, the situation is so bad that Bush cancelled a planned speech to the Canadian Parliament because of fears they would heckle him.

It remains to be seen how much healing Mr. Bush can actually accomplish. But if all else fails, we can always invade Montreal.

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---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer