Friday, October 31, 2003

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Congratulations to Sir Paul McCartney, who is the proud new father of a baby girl.
Oddly enough, that old Beatles song did NOT contain the line "Will I still be changing diapers when I'm 64?"

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Recent studies have shown that using chopsticks on a routine basis can cause arthritis.
These alarming findings come on the heels of research suggesting that fighting your opponents with fancy martial moves in slow motion while periodically freezing in midair as the camera circles around may lead to temporary loss of gravity.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

For too many years we celebrity stalkers have been discriminated against by the rest of society. Subjected to relentless arrests, restraining orders, and accusations of "having no life," our existence has been a lonely one as we cover our walls and ceilings with pictures of the subjects of our unnatural fixations. And climbing a stepladder with thumbtacks in one hand and a stack of mutilated magazine covers in the other while our pants are down around our ankles is never easy.
So it is with great inspiration that we all turn to Masahiko Shizawa, a Japanese businessman turned Britney Spears stalker who finally decided to put his foot down and say "ENOUGH!!!" Repeatedly ordered by the courts to stay away from the singer, Mr. Shizawa was parked on a public street across from Miss Spears' home when her armed security goons ordered him to leave the area.
Now Mr. Shizawa is suing for "emotional distress" caused by the incident.
Truly, this man is an inspiration to emotionally disturbed individuals everywhere!

Monday, October 27, 2003

The US Military has gone to great lengths to educate our troops in Iraq about respecting the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.
In return, the Muslims marked the first day of Ramadan by launching a series of devastating attacks, going as far as to use a carbomb disguised as an ambulance against a Red Cross facility.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Tonight is the night we go from Daylight Savings Time back to Standard Time. If one puts aside the entire argument about why we even do this in the first place, then the question becomes, what is so standard about Standard Time?
The nation--except for parts of Indiana which insist on being being difficult--is on DST from the first Sunday of April to the last Sunday of October, or a period of 30 weeks.
ST, on the other hand, runs from the last Sunday of October to the first Sunday of April. That's only 22 weeks.
But if something is going to be called "standard," shouldn't it by definition be the norm the majority of the time? In other words, how can something unusual actually be standard?
Well, it simply can't. It's just plain wrong. Almost as wrong as invading a country on trumped up accusations.
But I digress....
The only equitable solution to this dilemma is to start referring to the present Daylight Savings Time time as Standard Time. And the existing Standard Time can instead be called Nighttime Savings Time.


----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Friday, October 24, 2003

Here's a great gag you can pull the next time you're in a Wal-Mart: When no one's looking, get on the store intercom and announce, "Attention Wal-Mart associates: The INS is conducting green card checks. Please report to the front of the store."
Then stand back and watch the ensuing panic!

Thursday, October 23, 2003

General Motors has announced that it is renaming its Buick LaCrosse sedan in Canada. The problem is that among French speaking youths in Quebec, "LaCrosse" is a slang word for masturbation.
According to company officials, the car will henceforth be known as the Buick Walking Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm, and it will be available in both two-door and four-door models.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Rob Becker his bringing his "Defending the Caveman" back to DC in what is supposedly the farewell tour for the show. If you are--or have ever been in--a relationship, this is worth seeing.

In short, he explores the differences between men & women and traces them back to to the days when we all lived in caves, kind of like what Osama bin Laden has been doing lately. In many ways, yes, the idea is similar to what was presented in "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus," but Becker first came up with the show some 12 or 15 years ago. It wouldn't suprise me if John Gray was inspired to write his 1992 book AFTER seeing Becker.

For example, he points out that while men speak an average of 2000 words a day while women speak an average of 7000. This much has been proven by studies. He traces this back to humanity's earliest days when the men were hunters and the women were gatherers. And if you think about it, this only makes sense. Men, while on the prowl for prey, had to keep silent to maintain their stealth in order to sneak up on animals. The female gatherers, on the other hand, had to keep yakking in order to scare off potential predators, such as lions, bears, mastodons, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Plus, if a woman hadn't been heard from in a while, it would generally indicate that she had been eaten.

But it can be argued that all these various analyses of male and female behaviors are subject to cultural biases held by the observer. Therefore they amount to nothing more than mere observations and conjecture open to wild misinterpretation. In the end, it's all very unscientific.

Until now, that is. Using recently refined Magnetic Resonance Imaging techniques, researchers have uncovered physical evidence that mean and women do, in fact, have different brains. As a public service, here is a picture of a typical female brain, followed by a picture of a typical male brain.

The male brain

Monday, October 20, 2003

Opening arguments begin today in the trial of DC sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad. It is being held in Virginia Beach, however, because of concern whether Muhammad could have received a fair trial in northern Virginia, where several of the slayings occurred.
This is good, because it is obvious the poor guy is being framed. Granted, he was found with a Bushmaster rifle in the car, and the gun was subsequently linked to the shooting through ballistics tests. And yes, his car also had its backseat modified to fold down so that a shooter could actually lie flat while aiming through a hole cut into the trunk lid. And it's also true that Muhammad had a laptop computer which contained maps of the various locations where the shootings took place. And yes, there is the relatively minor detail of the car's license plates, which were checked by suspicious police officers in the vicinity of several killings shortly after they took place.
But aside from those totally insignificant and coincidental details, there is no evidence linking Muhammad to the crimes. It is obvious to any casual observer that the man is every bit as innocent of these horrible charges as O.J. was!

And a happy birthday to Bela Lugosi, who was born on this day in 1882.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Most Americans remain blissfully unaware that there are currently ten people actively seeking the Democratic presidential nomination. The current frontrunners are generally considered to be former General Wesley Clark; former Vermont Governor Howard Dean; and Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. Still most observers consider the whole bunch of them to be an uninspiring bunch.
Generally they tend to debate and argue over such mundane topics as the economy, tax cuts, healthcare reform, prescription drug benefits, the environment, and the future of the Social Security program. All important issues, to be sure.... But also boring as hell.
Consequently, none of the ten has yet been able to reach and grab the attention of the electorate.
This of course begs the question, "Are there ANY issues out that would grab the American people by the cahones and enable a candidate to break out of the pack?"
Well, yes. There are actually three:

1) Execute all spammers.
2) Execute all telemarketers.
3) Bar the New York Yankees from any future World Series appearances for the next 25 years. Give someone else a chance to play, for God's sakes!

The candidate who seizes on the above issues and incorporates them into his or her campaign platform will be assured of a landslide victory in November of 2004.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

The National Weather Service has released its long range winter forecast for the United States. It is predicting that the eastern part of the nation has a 33% chance of a colder than normal winter, as well as a 33% chance of a warmer than normal winter. Then again, there's also a 33% chance of a normal winter.
Call me crazy, but I think there's a 100% chance they're going to be right.

On the Fritz is taking a poll as to who should replace Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy. Among the choices is David Blaine, Teller (of Penn & Teller), and the Harry Potter cast.
Personally, I think Blaine would be a good choice. He emerges from his box tomorrow and will no doubt looking for a new gig. Plus, after 44 days without food, he'll be so skinny that no tiger will want to eat him.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Steve Bartman is without a doubt the most hated man in all of Chicago right now. In fact, it's a safe bet that if Saddam, Osama, and Steve were walking down a street in the Windy City, Steve would be the one who gets beaten up, stoned to death, and his headless corpse hung from a lamppost.
And what heinous crime, pray tell, is Steve guilty of? Is he a notorious serial killer, with dozens of bodies found buried in his crawlspace?
Is he a convicted child molester?
Does he have vast quantities of weapons of mass destruction cleverly concealed beneath the vast cornfields of central Illinois?
Indeed, Steve's infraction is worse than all of the above offenses put together. You see, he's the poor sap who made the mistake of trying to catch a foul ball at a baseball game. Normally this is no big deal, but in this case he is blamed for essentially snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. By deflecting the ball, he kept the Cubs' Moises Allou from catching it and getting an out against the Marlins, thereby (allegedly) setting in motion a chain of events that would not only cost Chicago the game, but a trip to the World Series.
But beyond that, what is Steve guilty of? Well, nothing really. If you're at a baseball game, and a ball suddenly comes in your direction, you're going to try to get it. It's pure instinct, like a mother protecting her child or a tiger trying to rip the head off the trainer who just bopped on the nose with a microphone in front of a live audience of thousands. There's no time to think about the consequences of your actions.
Indeed, if you look at a photo of "The Bobble," you'll see that everyone else seated near Steve also reached for the ball. He just happened to be the one who was the closest, thereby allowing himself to become an instrument of Satan. As such, he was able to inflict immeasurable pain upon Cubs fans everywhere. Besides, because of "The Curse of the Goat," Chicago was destined to lose the National League Championship Series one way or another.
Again, Steve was merely a convenient tool, a vessel of preodained doom much like the Anti-Christ. And quite frankly, there's not much hope for the future, either.
Still, this disaster may yet work out in Bartman's favor. Florida governor Jeb Bush has offered him asylum in the Sunshine State. A number of Florida businesses are offering him assorted favors, ranging from free airfare to a three month stay in a $400,000 condo.
And, since this is America, there is also talk of a movie deal.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Out of This World Delivery Order

China has successfully launched a human into orbit, becoming only the third nation to do so in the 42 year history of manned spaceflight. "Taikonaut" Lt. Colonel Yang Liwei will test various functions of his craft, perform scientific experiments to see how oppressed human rights respond in a weightless atmosphere, and deliver an order of Kung Pao Pork to the International Space Station.


Tuesday, October 14, 2003

AOL has announced that it is introducing a new, no-frills dial-up service.
Hell, I thought they already had that!

Monday, October 13, 2003

Today is Columbus Day, which commemorates Christopher Columbus' "discovery" of America in 1492. During the past decade or so the intrepid explorer's reputation has fallen victim to the rise of political correctness. The latest to blast Chris is Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who accuses him of "genocide."
This is unfortunate, and it's high time someone set the record straight.
First of all, Columbus--to the best of my knowledge--never killed any indians, and he can hardly be held responsible for the actions of others who followed him. And does anyone honestly believe that if Columbus had NOT made his discovery, the rest of the world would not have stumbled across the Americas at some later date? Besides, Columbus was Italian and sailed on behalf of Portugal. The Conquistadors, who shoulder much of the responsibility of what eventually happened to the native population, were Spanish.
Besides, it's not his fault that indians were already living here and kept getting in the way. They should have just gone back to where they came from! And while Columbus may not have been the first to find the Americas, his discovery was the first to "take." It set the stage for future European colonization and demonstrated the need for srong, effective immigration policies.
The bottom line is that if it weren't for that colonization, there would be buffalo roaming across the interstates. And if you think an overturned tanker truck causes traffic tie ups, think what a heard of bison would do. President Sitting Bull would have admitted SMOKING that corn husk but argued that he never actually inhaled. And he would have denied having sexual relations with that squaw, Pochohantas. Additionally, man would never have landed on the moon, John Wayne wouldn't have had a career, there would never have been a Star Trek or Star Wars, the light bulb would never have been invented, and we'd all be writing emails in the dark.
Oh, and the entire world (including the French) would be speaking German.
So happy Columbus Day!!

Friday, October 10, 2003

Speaking of Mouths That Roar

Rush Limbaugh continues to generate more controversy....

Yesterday was his first day on his new job with Entertainment Tonight. While taping a story on the recent tiger attack on Roy Thorn of Siegfried & Roy, Limbaugh commented that he he thought their act was overrated because the media was eager to see a gay couple succeed in a tiger related magic act.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Two recent studies have found that fire retardants that have long been added to things like clothing, building supplies, and many other every day items are now turning up in the breast milk of nursing mothers. The fear is that these chemicals, as they build up in the human body, may lead to higher rates of cancer.
On the other hand, incidents of spontaneous combustion are way down.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Congratulations to Arnold Schwarzenegger for his remarkable victory in the recall race. So has anyone bothered to try to teach him the proper pronunciation of C-a-l-i-f-o-r-n-i-a?

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Never, EVER hit a white tiger on the nose with your microphone.


----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Antoine Yates is lucky to be alive after being bitten by his pet tiger in his Manhattan apartment. Yates, whose elevator didn't go all the way up despite living on the fifth floor, also kept a five foot alligator.
The animals have since been shipped to a sanctuary in reality. As for Yates, one can only hope that authorities will have him sterilized to keep him from further contaminating the human gene pool.

In Germany, the television network Super RTL plays a video during its overnight hours of a log burning in a fireplace. A woman woke up, saw the flames, and called the fire department. Firefighters, braving unbelievable conditions, extinguished the flames using a remote control device.
In a worst case scenario, this unidentified woman would mate with Antoine Yates, produce children, and forever doom the human race.

The mayor of Agra, Oklahoma, has decided to change the name of his town by adding the letters "V" and "I" at the beginning.
Fortunately, Ildo, Wyoming has thus far declined to follow suit.

Finally, congratulations to Wanda Hudson, who recently was awarded $100,000 after she got herself locked in a storage locker for 63 days. Miss Hudson's adventure began on Nov. 21 of 2001, and ended on Jan. 29 of 2002. On a happy note, she did lose 65 pounds.
And David Blaine thinks he's so tough for spending 44 days inside a glass box....

Monday, October 06, 2003

Today we have a special guest blgger....

Hi, everyone. Sorry about that unpleasantness in the news last week. That whole racism thing was blown w-a-a-a-y out of proportion. But that's to be expected when someone like me, who always speaks the truth, runs afoul of the politically correct liberal media.
Anyway, I just want to congratulate Donovan McNabb for an outstanding game against the Redskins yesterday. If you haven't heard, the Eagles beat the 'Skins 27-25 under McNabb's exemplery leadership. He threw for 157 yards and one touchdown.
Not bad for a black quarterback.

Saturday, October 04, 2003

For a number of years now some fringe groups have advocated the use of hemp, derived from fibers in marijuana plants, in clothing. Woody Harrelson, formerly of Cheers, has been a longtime supporter of this. And perhaps, in time, this will become a legitimate alternative use of marijuana.
However, apparently not all plants can be used as material for clothing. For example, Siegried & Roy's attempt to manufacture flashy suits from catnip has gone horribly wrong.

Friday, October 03, 2003

Rush Gets the Boot

You know what would would be funny as hell? If Rush Limbaugh ends up sharing a jail cell with Courtney Love.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

So Much for Huggington's Film Career

Arianna Huffington has withdrawn with the California governor's race and thrown her support to incumbent Gray Davis. This move is a serious slap in the face of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who had promised her a part in Terminator IV. It is not immediately clear if the offer still stands.

Never an Overturned Milk Truck When You Need One

A truck carrying 26,000 pounds of Lucky Charms cereal overturned on I-90 in Ohio. The driver evidently suffered a seizure of some type and lost control of the rig. He is said to be fine now.

However, several dozen seriously injured leprechauns had to be airlifted to area hospitals.

Survivor: The Terrible Twos

And in Florida, a two year old toddler was left home alone for almost three weeks while her mother was in jail. The child subsisted on dried pasta, and packets of ketchup and mustard. The father, who was separated from the mother, eventually discovered the child in the apartment when the building manager let him into the apartment.

Fox Television has reportedly bought the rights to the story and plans to create a reality TV series based on the idea.

Maybe it Was the Percocet Talking

Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who managed to last four weeks as a football commentator for ESPN before saying something so incredibly stupid that he would be forced to resign. If you missed the story, the radio talk show host turned football analyst on Sunday said that Philadelphia Eagles Donovan McNabb is overrated because the media wanted to see a black quarterback succeed.

Meanwhile, Al Franken, author of Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot, is starting to look like an absolute genius.

Limbaugh's problems are not over, however, as now comes word that Florida authorities are investigating charges that the big fat idiot abused prescription painkillers.