GETTING IT UP AGAIN
In an attempt to restore some of the luster to its badly battered image, NASA has successfully launched the second Rover spacecraft towards Mars. If all goes according to plan, the two probes will land on the Red Planet next year and attempt to determine, once and for all, whether or not that rock formation on the surface resembles Ted Kennedy's head.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST PUT DOWN THE COOKIES
In an effort to combat the growing obesity epidemic plaguing America, Kraft has announced plans to change the recipes of many of its most popular products. Upon hearing the news, millions of panicked Americans desperately struggle to hoist themselves off their sofas long enough to rush down to the store and stock up on Oreos.