Congratulations to Lance Armstrong, who has won his fifth straight Tour de France. In case you're not familiar with it, the grueling two week bicycle race roughly traces the route of the original Tour de France, held some 90 years ago. The only difference is that the original race consisted of German tanks instead of bikes.

Despite this amazing feat--all the more remarkable when you realize that Armstrong is a cancer survivor--Armstrong remains largely unknown in here in the States. Granted, he has a few endorsement contracts, but nothing like the name recognition that star NBA and NFL players enjoy.

Armstrong needs to dramatically increase his public profile in order to gain the level of respect he deserves. The best way to do this is to follow the examples set by other big name athletes who are now idolized by America's youth.

How to best accomplish this task? Simple: Armstrong needs to kill someone. Either with a quick gunshot, or a long, drawn-out, frenzied stabbing. The particulars don't really matter. Or, if he is squeamish about taking a human life in the name of publicity, perhaps he could rob a bank, rape someone, or get arrested for selling crack cocaine to schoolkids.

Such an accomplishment would immediately raise the American public's recognition of his many accomplishments and boost his marketability to new heights. Hell, Nike and Reebok would probably get into a bidding war trying to land his services.

Speaking of athletes turned homicidal maniacs, Carlton Dotson has certainly made a name for himself. He is the Baylor university basketball player who shot and killed teammate Patrick Dennehy. Then, to insure further notoriety, he decided to chop off the corpse's head. Now that's initiative!

One does, however, have to question Dotson's decision to knock off his victim in Texas, which has the highest execution rate of convicted murderers outside of Saudi Arabia. Couldn't he have lured Dennehy to California? Berkeley in particular would have been an excellent location to knock someone off. The citizens of that fine bastion of liberal angst would quickly have forgiven Dotson, calling him a victim of an evil, class structured society.