Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Appeal of Rush Limbaugh

Just a Scapegoat.... Literally

Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of trying to steal a car.

Now at first glance the story may seem ridiculous, but it's deadly serious. It seems that two men tried to steal a car at gunpoint but local residents prevented them from following through with their dastardly deed. They then gave chase to the evildoers.

One of the men managed to escape entirely. The other one, however, cleverly changed himself into a goat. The local residents, who are certainly no fools, caught him and escorted the metamorphist to a local police station.

What is this world coming to when our livestock begin turning to a life of crime?

Friday, January 30, 2009

Too Bad We Don't Have Life Jackets

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Okay, so I'm Back

Sorry, but I just couldn't stay shut up for very long. On the other hand, the good news is that I won't be posting on a daily basis.

Why Does Rush Limbaugh Hate American Democracy?

Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh, his mind apparently still clouded by the Oxycontin he had to scarf down to get through the inauguration, has proudly declared he hopes Obama fails. This statement can only indicate that Limbaugh despises the very concept of democracy and free elections.

Obama was elected with 52.9% of the popular vote and an overwhelming margin in the electoral college. More importantly, he is the first presidential candidate to capture a majority of the popular vote since George H. W. Bush in 1988.

To clarify: Bill Clinton was able to win the presidency in 1992 with 43% of the vote in because of Ross Perot (who won 19%, leaving the elder Bush with 38%). Perot ran again in 1996, and while he had fewer votes than four years earlier, he still kept Clinton to 49.24%. Then in 2000, Limbaugh's hero George W. Bush won the presidency despite have captured fewer votes than Al Gore. And in 2004, Bush managed to squeak by with 50.74% and a narrow margin in the electoral college.

But even more importantly, Obama won more popular votes (69,456,897) than any other presidential candidate in American history. Here are some more fun facts: The last presidential landslide was Reagan in 1984, and he won 54,455,472 votes (58.8%). Nixon in '72 had just over 47 million votes. Granted, Franklin Roosevelt managed to win over 103 million votes, but it took him four elections to do it.

Limbaugh should stick those little factoids in his crack pipe and smoke them.

But that prescription drug swilling lard butt isn't done. Thanks to his drug induced dementia, Limbaugh has begun referring to our current economic crisis as "Obama's recession." Huh? What about George W. Bush, who was President for the last eight years? What about the House of Representatives, which the Republicans controlled for 12 years? Or the Senate, which the Republicans controlled for much of the same time? And let's not forget the financial collapses of Enron and Worldcomm, both of which took place under Bush's presidency. Shouldn't those two fiascoes served as a wake-up call to questionable financial practices by American corporations?

Limbaugh needs to face the ugly truth: was the Republican philosophy of lax business regulation that got us into this freakin' mess.

Oh, and then there's that fun little "Barack the Magic Negro" song that Limbaugh was playing on his radio show last fall. If that's not pure, unadulterated racism, I don't know what is. Yet 20 million Americans continue to listen to this drug-addled right-wing lunatic!?!?!?

With the election of Barack Obama, America has demonstrated that it has moved into the 21st century. Until people like Rush Limbaugh and his fellow Republicans figure that out, they will remain stuck back in the 19th century wondering where all the slaves have gone.

Microsoft's Turn for Layoffs

In yet another sign that the economy is in a freefall, much like a guy who has jumped out of a plane at 10,000 feet and suddenly remembered he has forgotten his parachute, Microsoft has announced that it is cutting 5,000 employees. This marks the company's first-ever layoffs. While the stagnating economy is certainly to blame, some experts are going a step further and saying that the layoffs are yet another sign that Windows Vista sucks.

Is Mars Farting?

Scientists have found that methane is being released from beneath the Martian surface in regular intervals. While it doesn't quite qualify as definitive proof that there is life on Mars, the discovery at least raises the intriguing possibility that there are subterranean Taco Bells on our planetary neighbor.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Over the course of the last several months, several people have asked me what I'm going to write about once Bush is gone. I really haven't had a good answer until now:


I'm done, spent, tired, and out of ideas. Bush's departure really doesn't have anything to do with it, but it nonetheless seems like a fitting time to hang up my keyboard. While writing this blog has been mostly fun over the years, I no longer feel like I have the motivation to write worthwhile posts.

Quite frankly, this site has never caught on with readers. Sure, there's a handful of loyal readers like Gordon, Danny, Mary, MK, Paradise Driver, and Arby, but that's really about it. Even worse, readership over the last few months has dropped off considerably. Lately there have been days when I didn't even break 30 hits a day. I was starting to feel like a print newspaper. And most of those visits come from search engines and people who never bother coming back.

But what really burns my behind is that 'Saddam's Cyber Palace' still ROUTINELY gets three or four times the traffic 'Mirth, Musings, & More' does. Seriously. The guy's been dead for over two years, for crying out loud!!!!! And people would still rather hear from him than me!?!?!?!

Clearly, when you start getting jealous of deceased bloodthirsty dictators, it's time to re-evaluate your priorities.

So.... Those of you who have been with me for these last five years, I thank you. Perhaps some day I'll get back to blogging, but for now I'm clicking my last "publish post" button.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Instruction Video

I was so busy watching the below video, I completely missed the inauguration.

And after several hundred viewings, I still can't spot a nipple!

Bush's Legacy

Here's what columnist Mark Shields had to say on this week's "Inside Washington" about George W. Bush's eight years in office:
"Mr. Bush leaves with the lowest job rating of any President since Richard Nixon. The reason is, and it will be history's judgment of him, that George Bush took the United States to war against a country that constituted no threat to us, on a totally bogus claim that the country possessed weapons of mass destruction that constituted a threat to us, which it did not. And in doing it, and in the conduct of the war, he violated one of the most sacred and honored of American values: That is that war truly demands equality of sacrifice. He demanded no sacrifice of any of us. All the sacrifice and suffering was done, and continues to be done, by less that one percent of Americans.

And that is fundamentally unamerican."

Weren't the Birds Here First?

The National Transportation Safety Board has released more details on what happened to USScare Flight 1549. The plane was at 3200 feet and doing 250mph when it hit a flock of birds and simultaneously lost power in both engines. At that moment they were still over northern Manhattan and about to pass over The Bronx. The captain immediately lowered the nose of the plane to avoid stalling.

The crew declared a mayday and a controller at LaGuardia told them to turn left and return to the airport. But with zero power, it quickly became clear they weren't going make it all the way back. But with nothing but the crowded areas of New York city and northern Jersey within their reach, they quickly realized they had no alternative except the river.

Meanwhile, a controller asked which runway they wanted to use. The pilot's response? "We're gonna be in the Hudson." Helpful, in case no one on the ground happened to notice a massive Airbus A320 landing in the middle of a river.

One question that some people have raised is why jet engines don't have screens to protect against birds. The problem, according to experts, is that any screen sturdy enough to withstand an impact with a large bird is also going to restrict the airflow to the engine. Also, if the screen should break apart, you would also have chunks of metal flying into the engine in addition to the meat and bone. Says one expert: "It would be like traveling with your own flock of geese."

Meanwhile, some people are viewing the incident as proof that God exists. As I said the other day, that ignores the question of why God let the situation happen in the first place. Why didn't he just make the birds vanish before they actually hit the plane? Was he just not paying attention, and didn't notice what had happened untio it was almost too late? Well, if that's the case, then don't we deserve better service from a deity?

But if you accept that this plane was saved by God, then why do we waste money training pilots? Hell, why not have a drawing at the beginning of every flight to pick someone at random from among the passengers to fly the plane? After all, if God's in charge, nothing bad will happen even if you have a total ninny at the controls. Better yet, why don't we just develop planes that run on "prayer power?" It would eliminate the need for jet fuel AND help the environment!!

But seriously, all this fuss over what happened last Thursday ignores the hidden tragedy: The birds. What about them? They're just flying along, minding their own damn business, following their instincts as they have done for countless millennia, and suddenly a jet airplane rudely interrupts their annual migration. Where was God for them?

Someone owes those poor geese an apology.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Now That's Cold!

I'm not sure yet if we set any records, but according to the weather folks, yesterday and last night were expected to be the coldest it's been in at least a decade. I can personally vouch for how bad it is: My nuts literally froze off this morning.

Fortunately I was able to catch them before they rolled down the storm drain.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Good Advice

Bush's Farewell Address
(For the B.S. Impaired)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

If Only the Titanic Had Floated That Well

At first glance it might seem like that plane in the photo is merely sitting in water, but it's not. It's floating.... Like a boat. For me, watching CNN this afternoon, that was the most amazing aspect of today's events in New York. Even as various ships and boats converged on USScareways flight 1549 and began rescuing the plane's passengers, the entire unfolding scene could be seen floating merrily down the river.

In case you missed the story, the plane apparently hit a flock of birds and lost both engines minutes after taking off from LaGuardia. At that point the pilot was still over New York city. He managed to bring the plane around in an apparent effort to return to the airport. But with both engines out, it became clear that wouldn't work and he instead headed for the Hudson River. He cleared the George Washington Bridge and eased the plane into the water. Amazingly, the aircraft stayed in one piece and all 155 people on board made it off alive.

Some people are already calling it the "miracle on the Hudson." Now, I hate to be a skeptic and spoil the fun, but there was nothing miraculous about it. First of all, both engines on the plane were out. If there was indeed some supreme deity at work in all this, why didn't He leave at least one of the engines operational? Better yet, why didn't God simply make the birds vanish moments before the plane hit them? Then we could have avoided the whole damn mess. Or does the Lord's beeper only go off after a major disaster? More importantly, why is God still relying on a beeper? Shouldn't He get himself a Blackberry?

No, the REAL reason this story turned out the way it did was because of the pilot. His name is Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. He's 58, a former fighter pilot, and has been with USScareways since 1980. Oh, and the best part? Not only does Sullenberger run a consulting business that advises businesses on safety, he teaches a course in catastrophic risk management at the University of California. So if you're going to find yourself stuck on an airliner with zero power over one of the world's biggest cities, he's juat the guy you want at the controls.

According to witnesses, he lifted the nose of the plane just before it hit the water. In doing so, he managed to avoid having one of the wings or engines hit first. Had that happened, it would likely have thrown the plane into an uncontrolled cartwheel. As it turned out, however, it ended up being a regular everyday type landing. Well, except for the part where it was in the middle of a freakin' river.

Nothing divine about that. It's merely the kind of cool thinking under pressure that comes only with age and experience. This is a good time to point out that airline pilots currently face mandatory retirement when they turn 60, regardless of their health. In Sullenberger's case, that's in two years, so expect a renewed debate over the fairness of that rule.

Incidentally, it was 27 years ago this week that an Air Florida plane ended up in the Potomac River with very different results.

Sadly, there is still no word on the condition of the struck birds.

The Debate Continues

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

George W. Bush, Rocket Scientist

President Bush has held one final press conference. He took the opportunity to look back on his presidency and defend his record. Seriously.

He refused to admit to any actual mistakes, instead saying that sometimes things just don't work out exactly the way he expected. This is a relief, because one would hate to think that the man deliberately set out to drive this nation into the ground.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Let That Be a Lesson

Two adulterers have been stoned to death in Iran.

Well, that's a twist. Usually the adultery occurs AFTER people get stoned.

Obama Works on His Inaugural Address

Monday, January 12, 2009

Things Are Getting Bad All Over

Snow Job

Three Canadians have set a new record of just under 34 days for trekking to the South Pole. The trip is measured from the Hercules Inlet to the Pole, which is a distance of 700 miles (1,130 kilometers). This was no easy task, for they had to endure altitude sickness, blisters, whiteout conditions, and temperatures 40 degrees below zero.

The men say they fueled their grueling journey on a diet of 7,000 calories a day.

What a bunch of idiots. I routinely put away 7,000 calories a day, and I don't even have to leave the comfort of my recliner.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The New 'Scream'

Saturday, January 10, 2009


That Saudi supertanker that was captured by Somali pirates almost two months ago has finally been freed. The Sirius Star, its load of 2.5 million barrels of oil, and the crew were released after the ship's owners paid a ransom of $3 million.

Now you might think the pirates involved are feeling pretty good about their booty. Unfortunately, their small speedboat capsized as they were hightailing it back to shore. Five of the eight pirates on board drowned; it's unclear what happened to the money.

Needless to say, I laughed so hard I about peed my pants.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Some Things Never Change

The End Is Nigh

Is the nation's capitol headed for traffic Armageddon on January 20? It's certainly beginning to appear that way.

Some experts are predicting two million or more visitors to descend on the DC area to witness Obama's inauguration, and it's unclear exactly how the region's transportation network is supposed to absorb that influx. Most of the people will be coming by buses, but where do you put ten thousand tour buses? The parking lots at RFK Stadium and FedEx Field will be able to handle only a fraction of that number.

Then there's the question of how all those folks are supposed to get from their buses to the National Mall area. All the experts are saying that the Metrorail system will be the key, but even that's questionable. The record for Metro was set on the day of the Reagan funeral in 2004, and that was just north of 700,000 trips.

Now comes word that all the bridges from Virginia into the District will be closed to the public on Inauguration Day. Additionally, the entire downtown area will be closed to cars.

And what happens if it snows? Let's not even go there.

Oh, and let's hope none of those two million people have to take a leak, because there's only going to be 5000 portable toilets. That may sound impressive, but if you do the math and divide 5000 into two million, that comes out to one john per 400 people.

And it's a safe bet that the first guy to use each of those toilets is going to piss all over the seat. I know I would (sorry ladies, but it's an ancient territorial marking ritual hardwired into the brains of all human males).

Planning to make a cell phone call on the 20th, or send a picture to your friends of the festivities? Don't count on it, because the cellular networks are going to be overwhelmed.

I knew electing Obama was a mistake.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Guilt by Association?

Earlier today Barack Obama had lunch with the three surviving ex-Presidents as well as current President George W. Bush. This raises a disturbing question: Why are these former leaders of the free world palling around with a man who is known to pal around with terrorists?

Either that, or Sarah Palin was a lying sack of crap.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Another Reason not to Pick Up Hitchhikers

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Cars & Chicks

Sorry I haven't posted much over the last several days, but I've been busy trying to get my stupid Zune to work. It's rough not being able to access my Britney Spears songs.

Anyway, if you're a guy, one of your primary concerns in buying a new car is not the mileage or its carbon footprint. No, the REAL question--especially for single males--is: "Will it get me laid?"

Here's an article on ten cars and the types of women that are attracted to them (click on the photos to see the corresponding woman). If you click no other photos, at least click #8 of the "Jacked Up Offroader."

Friday, January 02, 2009

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Welcome to 2009

Maybe I set my expectations too high, but so far I'm not impressed by the new year.

The Washington Post has come out with its annual list of what's in & what's out.

But best of all is Dave Barry's annual round up of the past year's events. Consider the first draft of history.

Previous Dave Barry year in review columns:

2007: An Inconvenient Year
2006: That Blasted Year
2005: A year on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
2004: No Thanks for the Memories
2003: Between Iraq and a Hard Place
Getting to the Bottom of 2002
None for 2001
2000 Year in Review
1999: A Look Back at the Millennium