Where's My Ten Inches?

Yesterday morning started with forecasts of 3"-7" of snow for today, possibly changing to rain or sleet later. In other words, nothing too severe.

But then beginning around noon--and through the rest of the day--the predictions turned positively ominous. The storm was now to swing further out into the ocean, thus picking up more moisture while at the same time allowing more cold air into the region. The National Weather Service went as to issue something called a "heavy snow warning." Up to ten inches were now being called for, starting overnight between midnight and 1:00 A.M. By the rush hour this morning we would have two or three inches on the ground, and the heavy stuff would kick in around nine. The winds would pick up, and drifting snow would quickly make roads virtually impassable. Snowfall rates would exceed an inch an hour, polar bears would be roaming neighborhood streets, and herds of wooly mammoths would stampede down Pennsylvania Avenue, crushing any pedestrians foolish enough to wander outside.

In anticipation of the coming ice age every school system in the DC area closed for today, the federal government gave most of its employees unscheduled leave, and hundreds of salt trucks were deployed to sit on the sides of the roads.

So what happened? Well, as of about 9:00 A.M.: Absolutely nothing. Squat. Nada. No snow. Not a single God blessed flake has fallen. The weather forecasters are still bravely calling for three to six inches later today, but they have once again begun hedging their bets by saying that it may switch to rain. So they're at least still hanging tough in calling for some snow. But none of them have apologized or even admitted that a mistake may have perhaps possibly been made yesterday when they sent the general populace into a state of near panic.

But the worst part of this is that I had believed them. I even went as far as to abandon my car on a highway ramp yesterday afternoon. Granted, the roads were perfectly dry at the time, but it's good to be prudent. After all, once it does begin to snow, all the good spots are quickly taken.

Getting Your Dander Up

Over the weekend several groups in DC jointly sponsored a clinic to spay and neuter stray and homeless cats. By all measures, the event was a remarkable success, with 500 felines being fixed.

Some people, though, seemed to take issue with the location of the clinic: An elementary school cafeteria. The resulting uproar from parents finally led to the cancellation of classes for today so that the building could be thoroughly disinfected.

Personally, I don't see what the problem was.... Unless, of course, today's lunch menu included spaghetti and mystery meatballs.

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Passing The Puck
Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Miracle on Ice. That, of course, was the US Olympic hockey team's victory over the evil Russians in the 1980 winter games in Lake Placid.

To fully appreciate what that event meant to Americans, you have to remember the circumstances at the time: The Iranians had seized our embassy and 52 hostages only months before, the Russians had recently invaded Afghanistan, the US economy was in tatters, the humiliation of Vietnam was still fresh, Watergate had destroyed our faith in ourselves, and there was a putz in the White House.

Er, a different putz.

In short, the morale of America was at as low as it had ever been, and faith in our future was virtually non-existent. So when a group of zit-faced college students and other assorted amateurs took to the ice motivated by nothing more than the love of hockey, no one expected them to amount to anything.

Instead they defeated what was considered to be the finest group of hockey players in the world, and in so doing restored a nation's faith in itself.

Coo-Coo

Jenna Elfman, formerly of TV's 'Dharma & Greg,' is a Christian Scientist who takes her religion very seriously. She is currently on a quest to track down and eliminate 'body thetans.' Those are aliens who took over Earth after a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago and continue to live among us.

Now some of you may dismiss her rantings as the by-product of having botox injected directly into the brain, but I'm not so sure she's crazy. The fact is that if there are aliens living among human society, it would explain an awful lot about the state of our world.

I mean, have you seen Michael Jackson lately?

New Math

American Airlines, as part of its ongoing campaign to alienate customers, has announced it is discontinuing pillows on all domestic flights. The airline, which lost $761 million last year, says the move will have the additional benefit of saving $375,000 annually.

Hmmmm.... Let's do the math on this, shall we?

761,000,000
      -300,000
760,700,000

Oh yeah. That should turn things right around!

Back on Jan. 11 a man in Alexandria, VA carjacked a Cadillac from a McDonald's parking lot. Occurring at the height of the morning rush hour, there were plenty of witnesses who quickly called police. Within minutes, officers from three different jurisdictions were in pursuit of the car. The carjacker, desperate to get away, ended up headed the wrong direction into a parking lot of one of the most heavily guarded places on Earth: The Pentagon. He eventually crashed the vehicle and was quickly subdued.

Normally this is the type of story that ends with a chuckle and a comment about how stupid criminals can be.

"Normally."

In this particular case, however, the story had a decidedly sad twist to it, for just before crashing, the suspect hit a Pentagon Police officer.

That officer, James Feltis, died yesterday afternoon without ever having regained consciousness.

Boxers Or Briefs

If you haven't heard, the Virginia General Assembly was considering a bill to outlaw deliberately wearing one's pants in such a way that it exposes your underwear.

Well, thank God our leaders have their priorities straight!! To hell with addressing antiquated road systems, rising unemployment, or the lack of proper healthcare for the state's unisured! Such trivial matters pale in comparison to the real and immediate threat posed by teenagers who expose their skivvies!

One down side: If the measure is adopted, it will effectively ban Britney Spears and plumbers from Virginia.

A Matter Of Balance

During a recent press conference President Bush kept saying he would cut the budget in half over the next four years. He even went as far as to say that the current budget is $427 billion. Normally it would be quite impressive that our nation's leader has such a command of the numbers except for one slight problem: The actual budget is 2.43 trillion (yes, with a "t") dollars. It's the deficit which is $427 billion. A single slip of the tongue would be excusable, but the President made the same mistake four times.

Well, maybe in 2008 the we can elect someone who has a reasonable grasp of the the English language.

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TiVo Alert
For anyone who enjoys quality science fiction, (which rules out the last two Star Wars movies) the SciFi Channel is rerunning the first five episodes of the new Battlestar Galactica series beginning at 7 PM (EST) tonight.

And if the first thing you thought of when I said Battlestar Galactica was the Lorne Greene version from 25 years ago, shame on you. Purge the memory of that show from your memory banks. Delete the files from your mind. Flush the files down the toilet. Do whatever is necessary to forever forget that hideous atrocity.

Aside from the basic premise and a few common characters, there is no resemblance between the two series. There is nothing "camp" or even vaguely amusing about the new Galactica. Indeed, it is a much grittier show that does a good job of conveying the desperate situation faced by the human survivors.

But most importantly, the character of Starbuck is a hot babe who kicks some serious ass when necessary. Then afterwards she'll kick back and relax by smoking a cigar.

Kinda makes me wish I was a Cuban.

A Nation Still Divided

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Protecting Your Cock
In a story which could only happen in a progressive, forward-thinking red state, an Oklahoma state senator has proposed legalizing cockfighting again. The "sport" had been outlawed by voters in 2002.

Under the new law, however, roosters would go at each other with tiny little rubber boxing gloves so as to minimize bloodshed.

Jeez.... I don't know about anyone else, but I always have a hard time getting my cock to sit still long enough to slip those little rubber things on it.... Especially when there's an audience watching.

Interest

Today was Groundhog Day, which is a rather peculiar American holiday. But the bottom line is that Alan Greenspan emerged from his burrow, saw his shadow, and the United States is in for another six weeks of high interest rates.

Republican Hopes

While delivering a speech yesterday, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton passed out. A doctor attending the conference quickly roused the former First Lady, a feat that Bill last accomplished in 1985.