And In This Corner We Have Ann 'The Taliban' Coulter

Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't we been repeatedly told that the terrorists want to kill us because they hate our freedoms? Again, maybe I'm fuzzy on this, but don't those freedoms include freedom of thought, freedom of political expression, and freedom of religion?

Well, if you agreed with the above statements, you're every bit as misguided as me. Thank God conservative commentator Ann Coulter is out there to set us straight!

Ms. Coulter has written a new book called Godless: The Church of Liberalism. In it she accuses several of the 9-11 widows of using the deaths of their husbands for political gain. Coulter goes as far as to refer to the group as "the witches of East Brunswick," a reference to the New Jersey town where two of the women live.

And what horrible things did these women do, you may wonder? They pushed for an independent commission to investigate the security and intelligence failures that led to the 9-11 attacks and--GASP!!!--endorsed John Kerry for President in 2004.

Endorsed Kerry? Pushed for an investigation into the deaths of 3,000 Americans? What the hell were these women thinking? Even worse, it's because of that commision that we learned that both the Clinton and Bush administrations ignored intelligence warnings and squandered numerous opportunities to eliminate Osama bin Laden.

And We're Off!

Good news, everyone! The first tropical depression of the 2006 hurricane season has formed in the northern Carribean. At the moment its still rather weak, but the aptly named Tropical Depression One is expected to strengthen. Once the winds hit 39 mph it will become a named storm: Alberto. Meteorologists do not, however, expect the storm to reach hurricane status.

Meanwhile, it's good to see that our Commander-in-Chief is fully prepared for whatever Mother Nature may send our way.

Maybe He Was Framed... Literally

New reports indicate that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was still alive when US troops arrived on the scene. He actually died on a stretcher while medics were attempting to treat his wounds. No word on whether he had an opportunity to pick out that lovely picture frame himself before dying.

Damn shame he didn't live longer. If there was any justice in this world he would have lived long enough for us to chop his damn head off. After all, if it was good enough for his victims, it should be good enough him as well.

And did you see Al-Qaeda's take on Zarqawi's death?

"We want to give you the joyous news of the martyrdom of the mujahed sheik Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

``The death of our leaders is life for us. It will only increase our persistence in continuing holy war so that the word of God will be supreme."

Very eloquently put. In fact, it inspires me to want to give the whole bunch of them even more life.

Frankly, I've never understood the whole 72 virgins thing. First of all, I'm not sure what the big appeal is. I'd rather, er, 'do it' with someone who doesn't need constant coaching on what goes where. Secondly, what happens after you're done with your allotment of virgins? Is that it for the rest of eternity? Do you never again have sex? Do you just spend the rest of forever jerking off?

Perhaps I should read the Koran and see it it addresses these important issues.

It's For My Cats... Really... I Swear

A few weeks ago I bought one of those water bowls for my cats that recirculates the water. One drawback, however, is that if a little chunk of food or whatever gets in there and sinks to the bottom, you're kind of stuck with it. Otherwise you have to unplug the unit, remove the water reservoir, and then finally rinse out the whole thing. It's just too much of a pain in the tuckus for someone as lazy as myself. That's how I came up with the idea of buying a turkey baster to basically "vacuum" foreign substances out of the bottom of the bowl.

So today on the way home I finally remembered to stop somewhere and buy one. But then, as I'm walking around the grocery store with this turkey baster in my hand, all I could think of were the various TV shows where women attempt to get pregnant using semen filled turkey basters. That's when I began to feel very self-conscious about the stupid turkey baster. I could even imagine standing at the register and the cashier getting on the storewide and announcing a "Price check on a turkey baster for the single pervert at aisle six."

That's when I decided to also buy something a lot less embarassing for a guy.... Like a box of tampons.

Nailed

I'm always bitching about how the Bush administration wants good news reported out of Iraq even when there is none to be found, so let's give credit where credit is due. There is FINALLY something positive to report: Al Qaeda's top man in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, was killed a few days ago in an air raid. The body has been positively identified through fingerprints.

Now can we please bring the troops home?

Speaking Of Stereotypes

And while we're on the subject of religion, have you heard about this terror plot that was broken up in Canada? 17 men--who purely by chance happened to be middle eastern--were arrested in the probe, including one who was planning to kidnap and behead the Prime Minister of the country.

Now, I don't mean to perpetuate stereotypes or anything, especially since I realize that Islam is a peaceful religion, except when they're busy blowing themselves up, but what is about Muslims and their wacky obsession about chopping heads off?

Absolutely True Story

I'm not sure, but I think God just played a joke on me.

I had previously avoided watching Big Love, not because I was offended by the polygamist storyline but simply because of time constraints. But last week HBO reran the first 11 episodes, and since most everything else I had been following had gone into summer repeats, I decided to record them. After all, it's always best to occupy one's mind with mindless television.

This week I've been working my way through them, which is why I came home early today. So I'm sitting there, minding my own business, watching Bill Paxton carry on an "affair" with his wife Jeanne Tripplehorn behind the backs of his other two wives, when there was a knock on my door.

So I paused the DVR, opened the door, and who do I find standing there? Two Mormon missionaries!!! They introduced themselves as Elder Something or Other and Elder So and So, and all I could do was stand there in total, absolute, stunned disbelief. I finally just closed the door in their faces, which I now feel bad about.

I should have instead invited them in to watch the show. It would have been fun.

Where's That 'Ride Of The Valkyries' Music Coming From?

Not that it carries any special significance, but today's date is 6-6-6. I would have more to say on that, except I'm going outside to watch those four flaming horsemen that keep riding back and forth across the sky. Looks kinda cool.

What Will One Cowboy Never, Ever Say To Another Cowboy Again?

Someone recently emailed me a list of "Top 10 Old West phrases that will never sound the same after Brokeback Mountain." I tried to track down its origins, and while it's been kicking around the web for a while (sorry--I've been busy procrastinating), I can't tell who first came up with it. The list does, however, sound suspiciously like something David Letterman would have cooked up.

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret -- I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. "You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"




P.S.
Don't worry--I only procrastinate in the privacy of my own bedroom.

Bananas

In the past I have written some posts opening mocking televangelist Pat Robertson. I would now like to publicly apologize for them. I was wrong to mock his position on evolution, or his call to drop a nuclear bomb on the State Department in DC, or his declaration that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez should be killed, or that Hurricane Katrina was God's retribution against New Orleans' loose morals. Mr. Robertson is a great man, and I have nothing but complete respect for his intellect, his TV show, and his ability to speak on behalf of the lord God almighty. This change of heart is completely sincere and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Pat could snap my spine in two with his bare hands.

It seems that the 76 year old religious leader claims that he recently leg pressed 2,000 pounds. Now, just in case that number isn't already impressive enough, consider that one sports writer says that the leg press record for football players at Florida State University is 1335 pounds. And according to a strength-training coach at Old Dominion University, anything over 1000 represents a "Herculean effort."

If I didn't know better, I'd say these people are suggesting that Pat is, well, lying. That, of course, is an outrageous accusation. After all, Pat Robertson is a man of God.... One that has in the past openly called for the murder of thousands of innocent people, but hey, even the most devout religious leaders among us are only human....

Some of us have just held on to our monkey brains longer than others.