You Can Bank on It

Heard an ad on the radio today for some bank that's promising to "forge new relationships with our customers."

Hmmm.... Is "forge" really a word that a bank should be putting in its advertising?

Hold Your Breath & You'll Be Fine

Today's air quality is Code Red, while the terror alert level remains at Code Yellow.

This means that you have a better chance of dying of lung cancer than you do of being incinerated by Osama bin Laden.

I've always suspected this to be the case....

No More Nookie

A recent study has found that many women lose their sex drives after giving birth. Researchers theorize this is due to hormonal changes that take place during pregnancy.

Most married men, however, will argue that women lose their sex drives the moment after getting married.

Breath Only If You Dare

OH MY GOD!!!!!! IT'S A CODE ORANGE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!! GRAB THE DUCT TAPE AND PLASTIC SHEETING!!!!!!!!! STOCKPILE FOOD AND WATER!!!!!!!!!! THE TERRORISTS ARE GOING TO GET US!!!!!!!!!!!!! A FIERY DEATH IS IMMINENT!!!!!!!!!!!! DOOM IS--

What's that? It's a Code Orange air quality day?

Oh. Well, that's different.

Never mind.

Suds

In a clever marketing ploy designed to appeal to her soon to be neighbors, Martha Stewart has introduced a new line of designer soap on a rope.

Summer Solstice Humor

The big news in the world of fine literature is the release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which officially hits bookstores today. It is the latest installment in the ongoing adventures of a young wizard as he seeks to master sorcery and magic.

Oddly enough, today also marks the Summer Solstice, which is considered a major pagan holiday.

Coincidence? Or part of some vast, unchristian conspiracy meant to corrupt our impressionable youth and prepare them for a life of devil worship? One can only pray that such is not the case.

Still, just to play it safe, I'm going to sacrifice a goat to appease the Sun gods.

Rats

I was out walking my pet Gambian giant rat the other day when it ate my neighbor's Rottweiller. Now my homeowners association is hollerin' and screamin' about "dangerous animals," "savage, unprovoked attacks," and "an endangerment to our children." I wholeheartedly agree!

You just can't trust those damn Rottweillers.

Sniping

John Mohammed, the older of the two DC area sniper suspects, is slated to eventually go on trial in Prince William County, Virginia. However, his attorneys are continuing their efforts to have the trial moved out of the area because they fear they may not be able to assemble an impartial jury in northern Virginia.

Not to second guess Mr. Mohammed, but shouldn't he have thought of that last fall?

And in a related matter, Charles Moose has resigned as Chief of Police in Montgomery County. Maryland. Moose became familiar to many as the spokesperson for the authorities during the hunt for the sniper. Controversy has swirled around the former chief ever since he announced plans to write a book about the three week hunt for the snipers. His book propsal ran against the recommendations of the County's Board of Ethics. Moose insists he has every right to put his words to paper, vehemently denies that he is in any way cashing in on the tragedy that was visited on the victims' families, and resents any implication that he would EVER give in to such a despicable temptation.

In the meantime, Moose's side business of selling sniper victim autopsy photos on eBay continues to be a big success.

An Apology To Canada

It seems I owe our Canadian neighbors to the north an apology. Back on June 1 I suggested that George W. Bush was unleashing bilblical plagues (SARS, Mad Cow Disease) on them for their opposition to the Iraq war.

Well, no sooner had I said this that Monkeypox began popping up in Wisconsin, Indiana, and a number of other states. Now it's even starting to look like the virus is being transmitted person to person. But that's not all: With all the rain we've had, the eastern US is certain to endure a bumper crop of mosquitoes--and even more West Nile outbreaks--this summer.

It is now obvious that my suggestion that Canada's problems were the result of Divine Retribution were disrespectful, insulting, immature, ignorant, inconsiderate, demeaning, and the product of narrow minded thinking. It was an incredibly stupid thing to say.

So to all Canadians: I humbly apologize.... Even if you are all still a bunch of sniveling chicken weinies.

Rain, Rain, & More Rain

Today is the 18th, and it has now rained on 15 days thus far in June. Last month we an estimated 35 days of rain (Yes, that certainly IS a LOT of water). As our local climate continues to take on more and more charecteristics of a northern rain forest, many people are bitchin' and moanin' about the cool, wet weather.

That's okay, though. Next summer, when we're living in conditions on par with the central Sahara, people will no doubt be bitchin' and moanin' about how hot and dry it is.

A Bridge Over American Idol

Finally heard Clay Aikens' version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water," and while I hate to admit it, I'm impressed. That skinny little guy can really sing! His other song, "This Is the Night," is fairly good as well. Whatever happened to that other guy...? The one that actually won....? Oh, yeah. Ruben Studdard.

Few people know this, but this year's American Idol was very nearly marred by death. It was about two or three weeks before the finale, during rehearsals, when the producers realized Clay was missing. They looked & looked, but he had apparently disappeared!!

They finally found the AWOL singer when Ruben stood up. Turns out he had accidentally (or so he claimed) sat on Clay.

The fire department was called, and their urban search & rescue team was able to extract the runt from Ruben's backside. Fortunately, they were able to resuscitate him.

The Matirx

Got around to seeing Matrix Reloaded earlier today, and apparently it was reloaded with animal dung of some sort. This installment is not nearly as good as the first one.

The setting of these movies is never quite made clear, but presumably they take place in the future. So why is it that these people are still relying on dialup connections.... On ROTARY phones, no less?!?!?! Is that even possible? Even worse, they're probably using AOL!

No wonder their world is so royally screwed up!

And Afterwards He'll Go Waterboarding

Saying he has "some expertise with this sort of thing," O.J. Simpson has offered to help Scott Peterson track down his wife's real killer.

In other news, disaster was narrowly averted when a vacationing President Bush took a tumble off a Segway. Alert Secret Service agents quickly wrestled the scooter to the ground.

Acting on an anonymous tip, the Department of Homeland Security discovered that Amazon.com is the exclusive seller of the devices. Company founder Jeff Bezos has been detained and shipped off to Guantanamo Bay for questioning.

And He's Out!

Here's a wonderful, heartwarming tale of love out of Cincinnati....
Last month a gentleman by the name of David Horton attended a Reds game with an unidentified woman. A shot of the happy couple making out ended up on the stadium's huge KissCam screen. A fine, upstanding citizen, Mr. Horton had skipped a court date the month before and now had an outstanding warrant for his arrest. Unfortunately, his parole officer also happened to be attending the game.

Needless to say, Mr. Horton did not get to see the end of the game.

Peck No More

The closing credits have rolled for Gregory Peck.

Pass The Chardonnay

Woody Allen has prepared a short video promoting tourism in France. The famous fimmaker also pointed out that the French and the Americans have long been friends, and that our recent differences should be put aside, "even if those damn Frogs did stab us in the back with a large knife and then repeatedly twist the blade."

Afterwards Allen celebrated the occasion with a fine 14 year old Chardonnay.
Unfortunately, Chardonnay turned out to be a foreign exchange student, and her parents were none too thrilled with this sudden development in their daughter's educational experience.

In Case Your Own Family Isn't Dysfunctional Enough....

The ongoing collapse of western civilization takes another giant leap forward tonight with the third season premier of MTV's The Osbournes.

A Pox Upon You

Are you feeling paranoid about SARS? Worried about West Nile Virus? Concerned about Mad Cow Disease? Terrified by bio-terror? Feeling overwhelmed by the constant fear of death from some stupid single celled lifeform too ignorant to even be aware of its own meaningless existence?

Well, now there's a brand spanking new fear to add to your inventory of scary stuff: Monkeypox!!!!

Until the past week, this disease had never before even been seen in the Western hemisphere. Now almost three dozen people in the midwest have been diagnosed with it. Most of the cases have been traced back to pet Prairie Dogs, which in turn picked up the virus from a giant Gambian rat imported from Africa. Quite frankly, anyone STUPID enough to have a pet giant Gambian rat deserves whatever horrible, painful death awaits them.

Monkeypox is characterized by large puss filled postules all over one's skin, a fever of 101.5 or above, a general feeling of lethargy, and an intense, almost overwhelming craving for bananas. If you experience any combination of three or more of these symptoms, immediately pass off your pet prairie dog to an unsuspecting neighbor or family member.

Book 'Em

With the lazy, hazy days of summer upon us, this would be a good time to pick out some books to read on vacation. Whether on the beach or in a backyard hammock, Hillary Clinton and the Order of the Phoenix should make for an interesting read. It hits bookstores today.

Personally, though, I'm looking forward to former NY Times reporter Jayson Blair's upcoming autobiography, The Life & Times of Ben Franklin.