Are you feeling paranoid about SARS? Worried about West Nile Virus? Concerned about Mad Cow Disease? Terrified by bio-terror? Feeling overwhelmed by the constant fear of death from some stupid single celled lifeform too ignorant to even be aware of its own meaningless existence?
Well, now there's a brand spanking new fear to add to your inventory of scary stuff: Monkeypox!!!!
Until the past week, this disease had never before even been seen in the Western hemisphere. Now almost three dozen people in the midwest have been diagnosed with it. Most of the cases have been traced back to pet Prairie Dogs, which in turn picked up the virus from a giant Gambian rat imported from Africa. Quite frankly, anyone STUPID enough to have a pet giant Gambian rat deserves whatever horrible, painful death awaits them.
Monkeypox is characterized by large puss filled postules all over one's skin, a fever of 101.5 or above, a general feeling of lethargy, and an intense, almost overwhelming craving for bananas. If you experience any combination of three or more of these symptoms, immediately pass off your pet prairie dog to an unsuspecting neighbor or family member.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
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