Horsing Around

Funny Cide failed in his Cinderella bid to win horseracing's Triple Crown, coming in third behind Empire Maker and Ten Most Wanted. The finish was not without controversy, however, as allegations soon surfaced that Jerry Bailey, Empire Maker's jockey, had corked his horse.

A Vile Act Of Terror

Arson is suspected in the overnight burning of nine tractor trailers at a beer distributor in Springfield, Virginia. Happening as it did on a Friday morning, the fire is expected to lead to a serious brewski shortage this weekend.

Under the advice of the Department of Homeland Partying, which has gone to a Code Red alert, many bars are already setting up emergency rationing systems.

Cork Off

In a major blow to her wholesome image, Martha Stewart has been indicted for using a corked bat.

A Manhunt Ends

Recently captured Olympics bombing suspect Eric Rudolph was placed on the FBI's most wanted list back in 1998. Hundreds of agents and tens of thousands of man hours were devoted to tracking this killer down. Helicopters equiped with infrared sensors were brought in to scour the mountains of North Carolina. Countless search teams with bloodhounds were repeatedly sent into the remote reaches of the area. Reward money was offered and the elusive Rudolph's picture was plastered everywhere. All told, tens of millions of dollars were spent on the effort. Still, the elusive killer remained at large. And for over five long years he continued to frustrate his pursuers.

Until Saturday.

Despite the tens of millions of dollars devoted to his capture, it was a lone rookie cop named Jeffrey Postell who finally caught Rudolph. No final showdown, no high speed pursuit, no dramatic shootout. Postell was simply out on routine patrol at 4 A.M. when he spotted what he thought was a homeless guy rummaging through a garbage dumpster. And thus ended one of the largest, most expensive manhunts in history.

Forget the hundreds of thousands of troops still in Iraq and Afghanistan. Bring home all the Special Forces guys. Convert the navy into cruise ships. All we need to send Postell overseas.

He'll find Saddam and Osama in no time.... And without the help of the French!

TV Goes FM

Back in the mid-90's the FCC loosened ownership requirements for radio stations. This in turn led to a massive consolidation in the industry. As a result of this, now all radio outlets in major cities are owned by two or three nationwide corporations. Many critics say it is this resulting lack of competition that has led to the uncontrolled proliferation of bland music and virtual extinction of innovative programing across the FM dial. With station managers now beholden to more & more layers of corporate management, no one wants to rock the boat.

Now the FCC has similarly loosened previously strict ownership requirements of TV stations. Under the new rules, the New York Times could theoretically buy up all the TV stations in the Big Apple, and no one will know what the hell is going on anymore. In other words, these new rules promise to do for television what the changes of seven years ago did for radio.

Sell your TV sets now, while you can still get a decent price on eBay.

A Rivers Almost Flowed Through It

Playboy magazine, in an effort to attract a younger readership, was all set to offer Mellissa Rivers $500,OOO to pose topless. They withdrew the offer after realizing that they needed someone younger.

Miss Rivers countered that while the rest of her body may be 34, her breasts are less than a year old and still under warranty.

O Canada!

Countries which continue to oppose George Bush and the policies of the United States would do well to remember the plagues Moses unleashed against the Egyptians. And it appears that the first nation to learn this lesson is Canada. Not only did Jean Chretien oppose the war in Iraq, but now--much to the consternation of the Bush Administration--his nation is hellbent on decriminalizing marijuana!

Curiously, our neighbors to the north have been dealing with SARS outbreaks in Toronto since March, roughly about the time the US launched the war against Iraq. Now the Candian government is dealing with the economic repercussions caused by a case of Mad Cow Disease found in Alberta.

Are these purely by chance, or are they biblical plagues unleashed by a higher being?
Farfetched as this theory of divine retribution may sound, it should be pointed out that Bush (Hmmm... Didn't Moses also have dealings with a bush?) is quite cozy with the religious right.

Is The Main Character Named Scarlett?

Former New York Times star reporter Jayson "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire" Blair, disgraced after admitting to plagiarism, has announced he is working on his first novel. It will be an original epic love story beginning in the antebellum south and stretching through the Civil War. The book is tentatively titled Gone With the Wind.

Progress

Affirmative action programs have been under fire lately. Most recently, some have questioned their role in the Jayson Blair case at the NY Times. Prior to that, the University of Michigan's Affirmative Action policies ended up before the Supreme Court. Whatever their merits, there is one area where such policies have definitely made a difference.

For decades, the exciting field of serial killing has been dominated by white males with above average intelligence. Narrow minded police profilers, still caught in the tentacles of discrimination & prejudice, continue even today to stubbornly cling to the old ways.

But with multiple murder charges against Derrick Todd Lee in a recent string of killings in Louisiana, as well as the arrests of alleged snipers John Lee Malvo and John Mohammed last October, we as a nation have entered a new era of equal opportunity. All three of these suspects are black males who, quite frankly, aren't all that bright. Yet they still managed to rack up impressive bodycounts while the police remained focused on white males.

America should be proud of its progress.

Climb Every Mountain

It was on this date in 1953 that Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay celebrated Bob Hope's fiftieth birthday by climbing Mount Everest.

On a related matter: the world's highest mountain rises 29,035 feet (Under the metric system that converts to, um, a whole big bunch of meters) above sea level. If global warming progresses as projected, and ocean levels continue to rise, does that mean that Mount Everest will get shorter?

Lathering Up

More rain. This makes 24 out of 28 days this month that we've had measurable rainfall, according to the People Who Keep Track of This Stuff. We're almost seven inches over normal for the year. Rather than letting all the free water go to waste, I've decided to take advantage of the constant wet weather by showering outside. It's a bit chilly, but quite invigorating.

My neighbors, however, are less than enthused at my conservation efforts.

Jack-o Is Broke-o

Word is that Michael Jackson, who was once one of the richest people in music, is now on the verge of bankruptcy.

Guess all those out-of-court settlements for child molestation really start to add up after a while.

Well, At Least That's Original

In response to the recent Jayson Blair scandal, as well as newly uncovered plagiarism by columnist Rick Bragg, the New York Times has announced it is changing its motto to "All the news that's fit to print, plus some other stuff we just made up for the hell of it."

Crisis Averted

Annika Sorenstam failed to make the cut at the Colonial, so she is now out of the competition. After breathing a colossal sigh of relief, the PGA lowered its threat level from Code Red to Code Green.

With their manhoods once again secure, male golfers everywhere congratulated one another and took a big swig of testosterone. Then they let out a big ol' belch and scratched their nuts.

Nice Dress, Mister

One of the big sports stories this week has been Annika Sorenstam's decision to play in the Colonial golf tournament in Texas. This is the first time since 1945 that a woman has entered a men's PGA event. Needless to say, there has been a bit of an uproar over this. Golfers Nick Price and Vijay Singh have been especially vocal in their criticism, with Singh going as far as to withdraw from the contest. This opposition is certainly understandable and, I might add, quite justified.

Sorenstam's decision is a complete outrage and a total insult to the world of sports! How dare she do this?!?! It is nothing but a self-serving attempt on her part to garner some extra publicity.

Besides, no guy wants to risk losing to a GIRL!!!!

Big And Bigger

There has been some debate today over which of the American Idol contestants will be a bigger star: Runner up Clay Aikens, or Ruben Studdard, the actual winner. Some supporters of Clay predict he will be bigger than Ruben or even last year's winner, Kelly Clarkson. While I have no particular opinion on this matter and will remain completely neutral, I will say that these morons are total idiots devoid of even the most basic functional intelligence! They're every bit as bad as the Al Gore people who still maintain to this day that Bush lost the election!
Get real, people!! Ruben is already bigger than both Clay AND Kelly combined! Hell, he's even than any FOUR average humans put together!!

It's time to put these bitterly divisive elections behind us, accept the results, and get on with our lives.

On The Edge Of Armageddon

Tonight TV viewers will decide the next American Idol winner. Regardless of whether it's Clay Aikens or Ruben Studdard who comes out on top, fans of the loser are expected to take to the streets tonight to vent their anger. At the same time, fans of the winner will be out celebrating by setting fires, overturning police cars, smashing store windows, and looting. Should the two camps come into direct contact with one another, violence and mayhem are certain to result. The worst fear among security experts and entertainment industry officials is that one side or the other will come into possession of a nuclear warhead. An even worse scenario, say military officials, is that Simon may decide to turn on the charm and try to broker a peace deal.

In response to the rising tension, the Office of Homeland Security has raised the terror alert level to Code Orange.

I'll Drink To That

In a a major medical breakthrough, Russian researchers have announced that vodka cures SARS. Of course, most Russians also believe that vodka cures cancer, broken bones, unemployment, broken down cars, being stuck with an ugly wife, and the realization your country no longer matters.

Horsing Around

Congratulations are in order to Funny Cide and his jockey, Jose Santos. Over the course of the last two weeks, Santos had been accused of using some sort of handheld electrical device to illegally spur his mount on to victory in the Kentucky Derby. Then, only a few days ago, he was finally cleared of the charges. Now, after their runaway victory in yesterday's Preakness, the pair stands one victory away from winning horse racing's first Triple Crown in 25 years.

Careful analysis of the photos showed there was absolutely nothing suspicious about the really long extension cord sticking out of Funny Cide's butt.

The Cat's Meow

Recent studies show that catnip makes an excellent mosquito repellent. Test subjects who rubbed the plant's leaves on exposed skin surfaces received zero bites from the bloodsucking insects. Using catnip is also safer for the environment.

There were some unfortunate side effects, however. Nearly 30% of test subjects reported either excessive bleeding or horrible scarring after being attacked by roving packs of excited felines.