Tragic News from Kansas

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Time for A Compromise

The country currently has its shorts in a proverbial bunch over the so-called 'Ground Zero Mosque.' The question we face is, do we demonstrate the freedom that the United States stands for and allow it to be built, or do we lower ourselves to the same intolerance that plagues much of Islam?

Putting aside the minor detail that the thing is a cultural center and not just a mosque, and that it would actually be located two blocks from Ground Zero, I would like to offer a compromise:

Do NOT allow the facility to be built, and in return the Catholic church stops building churches next to playgrounds.

A Prayer for the Stressed

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change;
The courage to change the things I can not accept;
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to whack today because they pissed me off.

At Least He Didn't Have a Cigar

Well, This Explains a Lot

Introducing the 'Purity of Marriage Act'

New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other

An Old Argument, Now More Timely Than Ever

This past weekend Virginia was the scene of a tragic car crash that may have national implications. The reason: An illegal immigrant was driving drunk and ran head-on into a car carrying three nuns, killing one and sending the other two to the hospital. To their credit, other members of the Benedictine Sisters are saying that the incident should NOT be used for political purposes in the debate over illegal immigration.

In any event, the tragedy calls to mind a heated argument between Bill O'Reilly and Geraldo Rivera that took place several years ago:

Escaped Killers on the Loose; Nothing to Worry About

Three convicted murders have escaped from a prison in Arizona. Officials have identified the escapees as Tracy Province, 42; Daniel Renwick, 36; and John McCluskey, 45. At one point the trio hijacked a truck and forced the driver to take them to Flagstaff.

State officials say there is no need for the public to be alarmed, however. None of the escapees is an illegal immigrant.

Historic First in Russia

In a historic move, Russia has elected its first black politician. Jean Gregoire Sagbo was elected to the town council of Novozavidovo, located about 65 miles north of Moscow.

In response, Sagbo's opponents have begun demanding to see his birth certificate.

Moon Hoax

I've always suspected that the moon landings were faked. Now here's the proof!!

Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate

Amen!

Rewriting the Rules

Let me first admit to the world that I, a 51 year old male, have watched the first two 'Twilight' movies. Purely out of curiosity, you understand. I was a huge 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and 'Angel' fan, and I love 'True Blood.' (The show, not the drink). I enjoy Stephen King and am currently reading the fifth 'Harry Potter' book. Naturally enough I figured 'Twilight' would be right up my alley.

Boy, was I wrong. First of all, the 'Twilight' vampires have absolutely no problem exposing themselves to direct sunlight. They just, well, sparkle. No pain, no death. What the freakin' frack is that about?!?! Everyone knows sunlight is supposed to make bloodsuckers burst into flame! Remember when Godric went up to the roof in last season's 'True Blood' to wait for the sunrise? Yeah, I freely admit to crying.

And the same with the vamps in 'Buffy.' First they'd start to smolder, then they'd scream like little girls and burst into flames. Even Angel, who was a good vampire with a soul, couldn't handle sunlight.

After hundreds of years of vampire stories, everyone by now knows how to kill a vampire, right? Drive a stake through his heart. That useful tip has been ingrained into the collective psyche of the entire human race. And it worked wonders for Buffy. Heck, in her case, anything wooden would do, be it a broom handle or a chair leg.

But is tradition good enough for 'Twilight?' No, of course not. Forget those trusty stakes. The only way to kill a vampire in the 'Twilight' movies is to literally tear him or her apart and scatter the resulting pieces all over the house.

Of course, this means that if you ever encounter a vampire in real life and are engaged in a desperate struggle to save your life, you'll need to identify which species of vampire you're up against: Traditional or Twilight. Guess wrong, and you can kiss your precious hemoglobin goodbye.

And then there are the werewolves introduced in the second installment of 'Twilight.' What the hell was up with them? First, it's a hereditary trait that manifests itself during puberty, like pubic hair. And they can transform at will, even during daylight, regardless of the moon cycle. And they're not just mindless homicidal creatures; they can still recognize their human friends.

Remember Buffy's friend Oz? He was a werewolf. A traditional werewolf who only transformed during the full moon.... And would eat his best friend in a heartbeat. Most importantly, the dude ALWAYS wore a shirt.

But no, not in 'Twilight.' For some odd reason, those werewolves never wear a shirt when in human form. It can be ten freakin' degrees below zero in a howling blizzard, and they still won't wear a shirt. Oh, and when they transform into werewolves, their pants just disappear. They don't get taken off or shredded. They just kind of magically disappear. Oh, and when the werewolf transforms back into human form, the pants just reappear. Why? Well, aside from avoiding a PG-13 rating, I mean.

Hell, even The Hulk had the decency to always wear trousers. And when he calmed down and transformed back into Bruce Banner, he'd still be wearing them.... Tattered, of course, but at least they weren't magic pants.

Rekindle Your Patriotism

Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

Toy Wire

I've often wondered what would happen if you crossed HBO's 'The Wire' with Pixar's 'Toy Story.' Well, now I know.

Vaginal Birth vs. the Stork Hypothesis

Does This Qualify as a Miracle?

A well known 60 foot statue of Jesus was struck by lightning last week. The ensuing blaze destroyed the statue, which had been nicknamed 'Touchdown Jesus' by heathens because of its upraised arms.... Which apparently didn't function very well as lightning rods.