Boy, was I wrong. First of all, the 'Twilight' vampires have absolutely no problem exposing themselves to direct sunlight. They just, well, sparkle. No pain, no death. What the freakin' frack is that about?!?! Everyone knows sunlight is supposed to make bloodsuckers burst into flame! Remember when Godric went up to the roof in last season's 'True Blood' to wait for the sunrise? Yeah, I freely admit to crying.
And the same with the vamps in 'Buffy.' First they'd start to smolder, then they'd scream like little girls and burst into flames. Even Angel, who was a good vampire with a soul, couldn't handle sunlight.
After hundreds of years of vampire stories, everyone by now knows how to kill a vampire, right? Drive a stake through his heart. That useful tip has been ingrained into the collective psyche of the entire human race. And it worked wonders for Buffy. Heck, in her case, anything wooden would do, be it a broom handle or a chair leg.
But is tradition good enough for 'Twilight?' No, of course not. Forget those trusty stakes. The only way to kill a vampire in the 'Twilight' movies is to literally tear him or her apart and scatter the resulting pieces all over the house.
Of course, this means that if you ever encounter a vampire in real life and are engaged in a desperate struggle to save your life, you'll need to identify which species of vampire you're up against: Traditional or Twilight. Guess wrong, and you can kiss your precious hemoglobin goodbye.
And then there are the werewolves introduced in the second installment of 'Twilight.' What the hell was up with them? First, it's a hereditary trait that manifests itself during puberty, like pubic hair. And they can transform at will, even during daylight, regardless of the moon cycle. And they're not just mindless homicidal creatures; they can still recognize their human friends.
Remember Buffy's friend Oz? He was a werewolf. A traditional werewolf who only transformed during the full moon.... And would eat his best friend in a heartbeat. Most importantly, the dude ALWAYS wore a shirt.
But no, not in 'Twilight.' For some odd reason, those werewolves never wear a shirt when in human form. It can be ten freakin' degrees below zero in a howling blizzard, and they still won't wear a shirt. Oh, and when they transform into werewolves, their pants just disappear. They don't get taken off or shredded. They just kind of magically disappear. Oh, and when the werewolf transforms back into human form, the pants just reappear. Why? Well, aside from avoiding a PG-13 rating, I mean.
Hell, even The Hulk had the decency to always wear trousers. And when he calmed down and transformed back into Bruce Banner, he'd still be wearing them.... Tattered, of course, but at least they weren't magic pants.
1 thoughtful ramblings:
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