Whose Turn Is It For The Alimony?

Just when he was poised to add some excitement to the 2008 presidential derby, former Congressman and Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has announced he will NOT be a candidate.

This is unfortunate. With two ex-wives (in addition to current wife #3) Gingrich would have fit right into the current Republican field that is so obsessed with family values. To summarize: Rudy Giuliani is on his third wife (wife #1 was his second cousin); John McCain is on his second; and Fred Thompson is on his second.

Obviously, these Republican candidates are so full of family values that they just can't confine it all to one spouse. Well, at least we can rest assured these particular Republicans don't have time to hang out in airport men's rooms. They're too busy spreading their over-abundant supply of family values among the female half of the general population!

Ironically, it's the Mormon in the group--Mitt Romney--who's only had one wife. Kind of makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with him....

Burma, Shaving It Close

Things in Burma (or Myanmar, or Pittsburgh, or whatever the hell it is they're calling themselves these days) have taken an ugly turn. Pro-democracy protests that had been led by Buddhist monks have led to a brutal crackdown by the military government.

Even though this desperate bid for freedom from a brutally oppressive dictatorship is on the verge of collapse, don't expect the United States to intervene. Burma has no oil.... Though they do make great aftershave.

Details are sketchy at best, since the nation has cut net access to the outside world. What little information is getting out is through the Australian ambassador. The violence was apparently triggered when the government took over the monasteries where vast supplies of monks are stored for special occasions.

This is basically the opposite of what has happened in the United States, where it's the government that has been taken over by religion.

Maybe Bush Will Invade Delta

The Bush administration is reportedly looking for a way to help ease the plight of travelers caught in air traffic delays.

If the White House approaches this matter with the same level of competence and commitment it has shown with the war in Iraq and the rebuilding of New Orleans, the American airline industry is doomed.

'Stay Here And Rot, You Stuck-up Bitch.'

One of the funniest shows on TV is the animated series Family Guy (Seth Green, who so eloquently defended Chris Crocker in yesterday's post, voices Chris on the show). For their season opener, they did an hour long parody of Star Wars that is destined to become a classic. Here's some sample dialogue from the scene where Luke rescues the Princess from the prison cell:

Leia: Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?
Luke: Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

With luck, you might be able to catch the whole thing on YouTube. People have been posting the episode periodically, but the Scrooges at Fox have been pretty quick about having them pulled. The segment below is the official "trailer."

This Season On '24'

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested early this morning in Los Angeles and charged with DUI. The 24 star several hours in jail and was released after posting $25,000 bail.

Bail?!?!? Why didn't he just snap the guards' necks, discover a nuclear warhead cleverly hidden in his cell's toilet, disarm it, blow up the jail, hotwire a helicopter, and fly to freedom?

Calling Barry White

According to a new study out of Canada, men with deep voices are more attractive to women and thus tend to have more children.

Guess that means Chris Crocker (see yesterday's post) won't be having kids anytime soon....

Defending Britney

Personally I'm not that familiar with the Book of Revelations, which is part of some larger book whose title I forget. My understanding, however, is that Revelations gives clues to the end of the world.

I don't know if the invention of Youtube is among those signs of the coming apocalypse. If it's not, it should be. Could someone please contact the author and pass that along? Thanks.

Anyway, the latest video burning up the world's finite supply of bandwidth is an appeal from some "guy" named Chris Crocker for us to stop picking on poor Britney Spears. This video is beyond embarrassing. Indeed, it's almost beyond description. But perhaps what is most frightening about Crocker's appeal is that the man is apparently 100% serious.... Or as serious as guy wearing mascara and experiencing an emotional meltdown in front of a billion people can be. Most of you have probably already seen the thing, so I won't post the original video. However, if you're one of the two people on planet who has missed it, here's the link.

While Crocker has met with plenty of derision, he also has his defenders. Chief among them is actor/producer Seth Green. who has come out with his own emotional appeal asking us to stop picking on Chris Crocker.

But most moving of all is Britney Spears' own emotional defense of Chris Crocker. It reduced me to tears.... And yes, it even made my mascara run.

The Sound Of Silence

Famed French mime Marcel Marceau has died at the age of 84.

He had no last words.

One Way To Save Time During An Autopsy

A Venezuelan man who had been declared dead after a traffic accident woke up during his autopsy, and boy, was he pissed!

Big deal. It's not the first time someone has risen from the dead.

Why Canadians Are Unamerican

Maclean's is a weekly Canadian news magazine, comparable to Newsweek or Time in the United States. Here's their latest cover; click the image for the article.

Sounds Like Someone Needs To Grow Up

One of the things about the Olympics is that the event is supposed to be free of politics, signifying the unity of man through the glory of athletics. And if you believe that load of horse crap, I'd like to sell you some Iraqi WMD's.

The reality of the matter is that politics always intrude into the games. In 1972, it was terrorism. In 1980, it was Jimmy Carter protesting the invasion of Afghanistan by having us boycott the Moscow games. But the Soviets showed us: They got back at us by skipping the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles.

This year is no different. Mainland China has long considered Taiwan a breakaway province. The dispute is occasionally punctuated by threatening rhetoric, with the occasional missile test thrown in for good measure. Now the two governments have been unable to reach an agreement on the Olympic torch relay, and thus the flame will NOT be passing through Taiwan on its way to Beijing.

No big deal, except that the torch WILL be carried all the way to the top of Mount Everest. It's a shame that the Olympic organizers could figure out a way to get that flame to the highest peak on Earth, but were unable to get it past a gap caused by the petty bickering of two governments.

Then again, it's just as well. That Chinese torch probably has lead in it.

Ring Around Something Other Than Your Collar

I don't mean to alarm you, but did you know that scientists have been checking out the rings around Uranus? Doesn't this story make you wish you had been more careful in your personal hygiene?

Quite frankly, this is nothing short of an invasion of our privacy. Unless we're suspected of harboring known terrorists down there, the condition of our most private body parts should be of no concern to the government, or astronomers, or anyone else.... Except maybe proctologists.... Preferably licensed ones.

More importantly, is this information being stored on a secure database? And who has access to this information? Let's face it: None of us want to be Googled by Larry Craig.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish installing my bidet. No more rings around MY anus!!

Tough Love

Republicans in both houses of Congress have long maintained that they support the troops in Iraq. Many, in fact, go as far as to say that any opposition to the war undercuts the military.

In an effort to show just how much they love the men and women fighting in Iraq, Republican Senators today blocked a bill that would have given troops in Iraq more home leave.

Afterwards the Senators demonstrated their love of animals by going home and kicking the dog.