Dingbat Alert

Laura Mallory of Gwinnett County, Georgia, is trying to get the various Harry Potter books removed from the shelves of local school libraries. Her complaint? Well, she's worried that the books teach kids about witchcraft and sorcery and might encourage kids to cast spells on their classmates. No word on whether anyone has tried to explain to her that the books are make-believe, or that things like sorcery and witchcraft don't actually exist.

And is the potential casting of spells by kids against other kids that serious of a problem? In light of all the school shootings in recent years--not to mention all the close calls that were averted--it might actually be good to encourage little Timmy to resort to magic instead of guns and grenades.

I hate to resort to stereotyping, and I certainly don't mean to sound like a bigot, but I'm betting Mrs. Mallory votes Republican.

Why I Drink

Should the Democrats succeed in winning a majority in the House of Representatives next week, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi of California would be poised to become the nation's first female Speaker of the House.

And George Bush's response to this possibility? "The speaker of the House, the congresswoman, would be someone who thinks capturing Osama bin Laden wouldn't make this country safer."

Excuse me? Is the President sure he wants to broach the subject of capturing Osama? After all, Bush was the man who in the days after September 11, 2001 vowed to hunt down bin Laden and capture him "dead or alive." That was five years ago, and the man who killed almost 3,000 people on that fateful day is not only still loose, he's out there making videos encouraging his followers to kill Americans!!

And why is bin Laden still free? Because it was Bush himself who decided that invading a country that had absolutely nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks was much more important than capturing bin Laden. And yet he dares question someone else's priorities on the matter!?!?

I need a really large bottle of alcohol.

What? Sex? NOW They've Got My Attention!

The Virginia senate campaign continues to take some bizarre twists and turns. The latest: Democrat challenger Jim Webb has written several novels over the years, and apparently they contain sex scenes between a man and woman. Republican incumbent George Allen has raised the issue as proof that Webb isn't fit to serve in Congress.

I guess Republicans only like sex scenes involving men and little boys.

Blogger Problems

For much of the past week Blogger has been plagued with problems of one sort or another. Their publishing went down several times, and at one point actual individual Blogspot sites were unavailable.

Today was the worst, however. Blogger was unavailable for most of the day, and their staus page is blaming the recurring issues on faulty hardware.

Blogger is owned by Google. Instead of shelling out over a billion bucks for YouTube.com, shouldn't Larry and Sergey have instead used that money to fix their existing businesses? After all, if you keep pissing off the customers you already have, you're less likely to get new ones.

The Times, They Are A-Changing

Today marks the end of Daylight Savings Time and the beginning of Standard Time. It used to be that we changed clocks at the end of October and the beginning of April, but that will no longer be the case as of next year.

Starting in 2007 Standard Time will end on the second Sunday of March and return on the first Sunday of November. In other words, as of next year we will remain on DST for roughly 7 1/2 months of the year, and ST for the remaining 4 1/2 months.... Which makes no damn sense if you think about it.

For something to be standard, shouldn't it be the predominant method? How can something standard if it's only in effect less than 40% of the time? Shouldn't it be the other way around? I realize this screwed up system sounds like something the Bush administration would come up with, but unfortunately they're off the hook for once.

So I propose we take what used to be Daylight Savings Time and instead start calling those 7 1/2 months Standard Time instead. After all, it's what we go by for the vast majority of the year.

And as for the old Standard Time, well, that can be Nighttime Savings Time from now on.

Maybe He Was Visiting Graceland

Would-be rescuers in Memphis, Tennessee have suspended their search for an 800 pound manatee that had swum 700 miles up the Mississippi River. The creatures have been known to occasionally wander into the mouth of the river in Louisiana, but for one to show up this far north is believed to be unprecedented.

The concern was that manatees require a minimum water temperature of 66 degrees (18.8 Celsius), and water temps in Memphis are currently at about 60. It is hoped that the river's current will help guide the large blubbery mammal back down to the Gulf of Mexico.

It's not clear what Rush Limbaugh was doing in the water in the first place.

Pass The Dramanine

The Bush administration's justification for invading Iraq has changed any number of times over the last three years. In fact, if you sit down and try to list them all, you run the risk of giving yourself motion sickness.

Even so, a sizable percentage of Americans have continued to buy into the administration's rhetoric. They are inspired by Bush's resolve to "stay the course." At least that's one thing the President has been consistent about, right?

WRONG!!! White House aids are now denying that "staying the course" has ever been the President's position on the war.

If my head wasn't spinning before, it is now!

Hey! That's NOT A Milkbone

A man in Washington state has been charged with animal cruelty after having sex with the family dog. Twenty six year old Michael Patrick McPhail was charged after his wife came home and caught him doing the dirty deed with Sara, a four year old pit bull. The wife had the presence of mind to snap some pictures of Mike giving Sara a bone with her cellphone camera before calling the police.

Unfortunately it now appears that Sara may end up being euthanized. According to animal control officers, she has a history of biting people and is therefore not suitable for adoption.

Oh puh-LEEZE!!!! Can anyone honestly blame the poor pooch for being irritable? It's true that most dogs like bones; just not when the damn thing is attached to a man!! In fact, let's check back with Mr. McPhail after he's spent a couple of weeks in jail. Then we can ask him if he enjoyed the same treatment from his cellmate.

Euthanasia IS clearly called for in this case, and I don't mean Sara.

Hate to admit this, but I recognized the vast majority of the album covers in this video. By the way, try to catch the name of the magazine Michael Jackson is reading at the 1:43 mark.

A New Low, Even For Rush Limbaugh

As you are no doubt aware, actor Michael J. Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson's several years ago. After dropping out of the public eye, he has since re-emerged in a series of campaign commercials on behalf of candidates who favor stem cell research. Missouri is one state that has the ads, and they have also aired in Maryland. To be quite frank about it, Fox does not look good in the ads as the Parkinson's has obviously progressed.

Now just in case anyone has become overly concerned about the Back to the Future star's declining health, conservative commentator and world reknown prescription drug abuser Rush Limbaugh has weighed in with his own medical opinion: Fox is faking his symptoms.

Says Mr. Limbaugh:

"He is exaggerating the effects of the disease," Limbaugh told listeners. "He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act....This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting."

If anyone would know about taking medication, it's Limbaugh. He's had plenty of experience. Thank God he was able to expose Michael J. Fox as a faker. In fact, he's probably been faking Parkinson's for the last ten years, just biding his time and patiently waiting for the right moment to produce those fake ads. And even if it turns out he's NOT faking, well, it's always fun to mock the terminally ill.

It's also good to know that if any of us ever need an expert medical opinion, we can call Rush. The man is so good at making diagnoses, he doesn't even need to actually see the patient!! Guess he studied under Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who so famously analyzed a videotape of Terry Schiavo and concluded she wasn't in a vegetative state.

I'm not sure, but I think I may have a hernia. Maybe I should take a picture of my scrotum and send it in.

Flee Control

Good news just keeps pouring out of Iraq, kind of like sewage from a storm drain clogged by debris from a carbombing.

The latest is that over 1.5 million Iraqis have now fled the country. An estimated 500,000 Iraqis are seeking shelter in Jordan, and Syria has an estimated 450,000 refugees.

Some naysayers may point at these figures and say that this is horrible news, but that's only because they're defeatists.

First and most importantly, all these people fleeing Iraq is great news for the moving van and ox cart industries. Plus, coupled with the rising death toll, these figures also mean that pretty soon there won't be any Iraqis left in Iraq. Then we won't have to worry about saving them any more!

This brilliant strategy is brought to you by the same people that saved the people of New Orleans from Hurricane Katrina.

Family Values

The father of a young football player in Philadelphia pulled a gun on the team's coach because he felt his son wasn't getting enough playing time. In what can only be described as a gross miscarriage of justice, the father--instead of being complimented for taking an interest in his son's activities--was arrested for aggravated assault!!

No word on whether the kid got the extra playing time.

You Can't Fire me. I Quit.

A man on death row in Texas committed suicide just hours before his scheduled execution. Michael DeWayne Johnson jerry-rigged a knife from popsicle sticks and a disposable razor, then used it to cut his jugular.

Well, at least he saved the taxpayers the cost of the lethal injection.