Gotta Love That Christmas Spirit!

This certainly captures the true spirit of the season as far as I'm concerned!

Damn Illegal Aliens Are Everywhere

What I Want for Christmas

You're Welcome

Finally, a Miracle Atheists Can Believe in

The First Thanksgiving

Some of you from distant lands such as Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and the country of South America may not be familiar with this uniquely American holiday (granted, Canadians celebrate it as well, but we in the United States tend to ignore our northern neighbors except when it comes to the Stanley Cup standings) so here is a brief history of its origins:

Back in 1620, a group of Puritans (also known as pilgrims) had grown weary of the constant persecution and ridicule they were forced to endure in Europe. This was understandable, since they tended to dress funny.

Hoping to find a place where they would be free to practice their faith more openly and persecute someone else for a change, like witches, a group of them set sail on the Mayflower. The Mayflower was the largest moving van of its day, and considered a technological marvel for its ability to keep the poor Pilgrims from coming in contact with the rich ones. Their destination was the distant land of North America, which had recently been discovered by Christopher Columbus (Well, actually, it had been discovered by a guy named Leif Ericson, but he was Norwegian, and therefore didn't really count). Columbus had actually been looking for a new trade route to China, misread his GPS readings, and became hopelessly lost. Being a man, he refused to stop for directions. In recognition of his blithering incompetence, Columbus was given a Federal holiday.

But I digress.

Before the travelers could make it to the safety of Ellis Island, their moving van struck an iceberg and sank. This unexpected turn of events rudely interrupted the torrid but mostly chaste (at least until they ended up in the backseat of a Model T) shipboard romance of Jack Dawson and Pochohantas. Faced with a scarcity of lifeboats, many of the men nobly dressed up as women and children to procure a seat to safety.

The survivors eventually came ashore at Plymouth Rock, called such because a car dealership in Boston had purchased the naming rights. There they were befriended by native Americans, also known as Indians since they spoke with funny accents and were willing to work as computer programmers for incredibly low wages. Without their help, the pilgrims would never have gotten a sensible inventory control program up and running, and would have surely starved to death during the coming winter.

The following year yielded healthy crops and a bountiful harvest. That fall, the pilgrims invited their new Indian friends (who weren't actually from India) to share a feast of giving thanks to the good lord. And to further show their gratitude, the settlers gave the natives blankets, muskets, smallpox, and syphilis.

In return, the Indians introduced the newcomers to corn, tobacco, lung cancer, and scalping, especially when it comes to Springsteen tickets. They also built gambling casinos to take their money. Meanwhile, the Indians also fiercely debated whether the recent immigrants were destroying American culture.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of the first American Thanksgiving.

Good Question

Hitler Discovers That Perry F*cked Up His Last Debate Performance

This may well be the funniest Hitler video yet.

Splashdown!

For what it's worth, this is an understandably easy mistake to make. God knows I've had my share of bowel movements that feel like I'm giving birth!

More Like 400 Years

That Mary Magdalene Sure Was Hot!

Not only am I going straight to hell via the express lane, I'm NOT passing 'Go' and NOT collecting $200.

How Does Uranus Factor into All This?

Nothing to Lose Your Head Over

At Least We Know Whose Side Jesus Is On

This ran on the front page of today's Washington Post. It's a picture of Jesus tackling a New York city cop during the Occupy Wall Street protests.

Happy Columbus Day!

Today is Columbus Day, which commemorates Christopher Columbus' "discovery" of America in 1492. During the past few years the intrepid explorer's reputation has fallen victim to the rise of political correctness. No less an authority than Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has accused the explorer of "genocide." On the other hand, this ignores the minor detail that if there had been no Columbus, then Chavez would never have had a country to be President of, and he wouldn't be in a position to make such outlandish statements.

Such accusations about Columbus are unfortunate, and it's high time someone set the record straight.

First of all, Columbus--to the best of my knowledge--never killed any Indians, and he can hardly be held responsible for the actions of others who followed him. And does anyone honestly believe that if Columbus had NOT made his discovery, the rest of the world would not have somehow stumbled across the Americas at some later date? Otherwise, wouldn't people of this alternate 21st century reality have wondered why there was a big hole in their GPS devices' maps of the western hemisphere?

Additionally, Columbus was Italian but sailed on behalf of Portugal. The Conquistadors, who shoulder much of the responsibility of what eventually happened to the native population, were from Spain. After that came the French and the English. The few Italians that did finally follow Columbus across the ocean blue were limited by law to working as cops in New York city.

Besides, it's not Columbus' fault that Indians were already living here and kept getting in the way. They should have just gone back to where they came from! And while Columbus may not have been the first to find the Americas, his discovery was the first to "take." It set the stage for future European colonization, something earlier discoveries by the Vikings failed to do.... Though they did eventually make three Super Bowl appearances under the able leadership of Fran Tarkenton.

Most importantly, Columbus' arrival in the New World demonstrated the need for strong, effective immigration policies.... As well as the importance of maintaining an up to date smallpox vaccination schedule.

At any rate, the bottom line is that if it weren't for the European colonization of the Americas, there would still be buffalo roaming across our interstates. And if you think an overturned tanker truck causes traffic tie ups, think what a herd of several hundred thousand bison would do.

President Sitting Bull would have admitted SMOKING that corn husk but denied ever inhaling it. And he would certainly have denied having sexual relations with that squaw, Pochohantas.

Furthermore, man would never have landed on the moon, John Wayne wouldn't have had a movie career, there would never have been a Star Trek or Star Wars, the light bulb would never have been invented, we'd all be writing emails in the dark, and Iraq would be a stable nation.

Oh, and the entire world (including the French) would be speaking German or Japanese.

So happy Columbus Day!!

Hitler Discovers There Is No iPhone 5

Steve Jobs(February 24, 1955 – October 5, 2011)

Remembering 9-10-01

Today marks the tenth anniversary of September 10, 2001. Even though that day is fast receding into the distant past, it deserves to be remembered. Here are just a few of the things that made 9/10/01 so unique:

• There were no armed fighter jets patrolling the skies of the United States, nor was it necessary to dispatch them whenever an airline passenger got drunk.
  
  
• We were able to get on an airplane without eying the other passengers suspiciously. And once the plane took off, all we had to worry about was the quality of the food--or lack thereof.
  
  
• The purpose of flight attendants was to hand out little bags of peanuts and fluff our pillows, not to serve as the last line of defense for the nation.
  
  
• Department of Homeland Security? Never heard of it. What's it do?
  
  
• Terrorism was something that always happened some place else.
  
  
• We weren't afraid of our mail, Anthrax was just a loud band, and if we saw white powder somewhere, we automatically assumed someone had spilled coffe creamer.
  
  
• People would look at you funny if you took your shoes off in the security line at the airport, and hair gel wasn't treated as a lethal weapon.
  
  
• Afghanistan? Never heard of it. Where is it? And what's a Taliban?
  
  
• No one had ever heard of Shanksville, Pennsylvania. And certainly no one in Shanksville had any reason to suspect that anyone ever would.
  
  
• The big story in the news was the disappearance of a government intern Chandra Levy whose boyfriend happened to be a married congressman. Undoubtedly, this sordid tale would continue to dominate headlines for the foreseeable future.
  
  
• The second biggest story of early September was the series of shark attacks along the east coast of the U.S. Two people were dead in what was considered a frightening death toll.
  
  
• If we went downtown, the only thing we worried about was getting mugged.
  
  
• The Oklahoma City bombing of 1995 was the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, and April 19 would always be associated with that unimaginable horror.
  
  
• If a plane had crashed on September 10, our first thought would have been, "Gee, what a horrible accident."
  
  
• The only emotion we felt when we had to pull over for a firetruck was annoyance.
  
  
• We didn't think twice about getting on the subway, we paid no attention to who else might be on the train with us, nor did we run for our lives if we spotted a lost backpack.
  
  
• Several thousand tourists enjoyed the spectacular view from the observation deck of the World Trade Center today. Assuming it doesn't rain, several thousand more will enjoy it tomorrow.
  
  
• You could look at a crisp blue sky and marvel at its simple beauty.
  
  
• Most of all, it was a day to feel good about the future and our place in the world. After all, this was the United States of America, and everyone loved us.

Yes, September 10, 2001 was quite a day.

Happy Labor Day...?

Proof Positive

I have long maintained that Michele Bachman is batshit crazy. Now I finally have photographic proof to support my argument.

Teason by Any Other Name

Texas Governor Rick Perry, who is now a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, has accused Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke of "treasonous behavior."

Really? And threatening to have Texas secede from the United States, as Perry did a couple of years ago, is NOT treason?

I think the Governor needs to to look up the definition of the word.

Swear Me In

Citizen Kane, The Sequel

A Little Divine Vengeance Never Hurt Anyone

Televangelist and backup Looney Tunes singer Pat Robertson says that God will destroy America because of the nation's acceptance of gay marriage. Uh-huh, sure, Pat. But riddle me this: Canada has legalized same sex marriages, and Canada hasn't been smited (smitten?) yet.

Most nations in Europe have also legalized it. But so far The Netherlands has not been swallowed up by lava from an erupting super volcano, nor have plagues of locusts have overrun Belgium. Even the first born sons of Portugal are still alive.

While we're at it, perhaps we should take a quick look at Pat's track record on apocalyptic predictions of divine vengeance. Once example that comes to mind is the town of Dover, Pennsylvania. Back in 2005, eight members of the school board who tried to introduce the teaching of intelligent design to the curriculum were defeated in their bid for reelection. Robertson quickly weighed in by saying that God would unleash his wrath upon the community for this unholy turn of democracy.

That was 2075 days ago. At last check, the people of Dover had not yet been transformed into pillars of salt.

Another Symptom of Our Failed Health Care System

The United States should be seriously embarrassed by this story. We have almost 50 million Americans without access to affordable health care. Even worse, many who DO have insurance still end up having to fight to have some procedures covered. WTF kind of nation treats its citizens with such criminal indifference?

Yet foreign terrorists are talking about have suicide explosives surgically implanted in their bodies. Now THOSE are some serious healthcare plans!

Is God a Psychopath?

Hmmm.... Call it a hunch, but I think this guy's a little angry.

A Convincing Case Against Gay Marriage

I used to be in favor of same sex marriages. It's only right that all people, regardless of their sexual orientation, should be able to share a lifetime of pure unadulterated hell with someone they love. But after watching this educational film, I'm no longer so sure.

Incest Must Be Best. It's in the Bible.

I admit to being confused by the whole Noah's ark story.

First off, if you're going to believe in the idea of a massive flood, then it's probably safe to assume that you're also going to believe in creationism as opposed to evolution.

So.... If you believe that God created elephants, tigers, dogs, cats, gerbils, Mexicans,and all the other world's lifeforms out of scratch, and if you believe that they have existed in their present form since the Earth's creation 6,000 years ago, then why was it necessary for Noah to gather pairs of all those animals? Why not just flood the Earth, kill everything, and make brand new animals when everything dries out again? Seems like it would have spared Noah a whole lot of work.

Or did God lose the blueprints? That would certainly have been understandable. After all, it's a very big universe. It would certainly be understandable if, while working on quasars, He set his paperwork down on a workbench 14.5 billion light years from Earth and forgot about it.

For that matter, why not just completely wipe out the Earth and start over from scratch? After all, if he did once before in only six days, he could certainly do it again. Heck, having done it once already, he might have been able to shave a couple days off the process the second time around.

Besides, I find the whole idea of keeping just one family alive and then using them to repopulate the Earth to be somewhat repulsive. Isn't that incest? And isn't that illegal in most parts of the Earth, except for the deep south and the British royal family?

But I guess it makes more sense than evolution.

Throwing Grandma Under the Bus

Are Republicans going too far in their hysteria over the budget deficit? Here's one argument that the national debt isn't that bad.

But more importantly, isn't there a better way to balance the budget than on the backs of the less fortunate in our society?

D'OH!

Harold Camping and his followers may be a bunch of idiotic religious nutjobs, but they certainly provided the rest of us with a great deal of fun entertainment.

And while it's true that there were people out there who gave away their life savings or quit their jobs to spread Camping's prediction, there is no need to feel sympathy for them. They freely chose to believe the asinine teachings of a wack job. Unlike the case of, say, Bernie Madhoff, Camping in no way deceived anyone. He wasn't running a ponzi scheme or an identity theft scam that lured victims in under false pretenses.

While his prophecy may have been wrong and crazy, at least he was honest and up front about it. And if people chose to upend their lives to support him, well, they did so with their eyes open with no false pretenses involved. It is, however, unfortunate that they have some sort of psychological void in their lives that they choose to fill with a ridiculous belief system.

This whole affair only further proves what many rational thinking people have said before: Organized religion is a scam.

Final Questions As We Prepare to Meet Our Maker

Well, here we are in the final hours of existence. Yes, May 21 has arrived in much of the world. And according to Harold Camping, the greatest religious leader of our era, (hell, the FINAL era), the 21st is the day the world will end. Admittedly, the exact hour is a little fuzzy. There does seem to be a consensus that 6 PM is when the real shitstorm will hit, but 6 PM where? Even this guy, who put up his entire life savings to get the word out, doesn't seem to know. He just says 6 PM.

The problem is that there are 24 time zones around the world. Will each time zone get its own massive earth-shattering quake as it turns 6 PM? If so, it's going to be really confusing in Indiana, in which individual counties are allowed to pick whether they're in the eastern time zone or the central time zone. No doubt God will have his hands full trying to confine those massive 12.0 on the Richter scale quakes within county lines.

At any rate, we'll know soon enough. 6 PM will hit the international dateline in another few hours. That will be 6 AM Greenwhich Mean Time and 2 AM in the eastern United States.

And what happens when you get Raptured, anyway? Does your spiritual soul simply float away, leaving its former physical body behind to just plop down onto the ground? If so, medical examiners everywhere (at least the ones who didn't themselves get called to heaven) will have their hands doing autopsies. They'll obviously have to prioritize. And the unscrupulous among us may take advantage of this by killing someone in such a way that leaves no obvious physical marks. Then we can just say, oh, my husband must have been Raptured. No need for an investigation. When do I get the life insurance money?

Or will the bodies of the saved simply float away in defiance of all known physical laws concerning gravity? Won't one's eyeballs explode as your physical body approaches the vacuum of outer space? And how do you behold the glory of God if your eyes have been reduced to so much gelatinous goo?

Then again, perhaps our bodies simply vanish. If that's the case, will there be a little clap of thunder as air rushes into fill the sound void left behind? And if the sinners among us see someone in the distance suddenly disappear, will we be able to count to five, listen for the thunder, and judge how far way they were?

Finally, what about those who are already dead and buried. Will they arise to walk among us? Frankly, that's what creeps me out the most. After all, people coming back from the dead is ingredient numero uno in a zombie apocalypse. I can only pray they get the hell out of here quickly and continue their journey heavenwards.

Still, maybe I should use my remaining hours as a mortal man to watch 'Zombieland' to refresh my skills in surviving in a world filled with the walking dead.

That's One Pissed Off Kitty

Suddenly, your cat scratching the sofa doesn't seem so bad, does it?

Cats In Tanks - Watch more Funny Videos

If a Republican Congressman Had LedThe Assault Against Osama's Hideout

Amen and Hallelujah!!!

I'm not a particularly religious person, but this really moved me.

Justice

Personally I would have liked to have seen bin Laden's body tied to a NYC fire truck and dragged through the streets of Manhattan.

I Bet Harry Potter Could Have Stopped the Tornadoes

There are people in Alabama actually thanking God to be alive. To them I say: Are you f*cking nuts? Take a look around you! If this God of yours is as powerful as you claim, why did he allow such destruction and carnage to occur?

Where Ester Eggs Come From

Google Exodus

Last Christmas The Digital Story of the Nativity was making the rounds. Now here's the the sequel.

If Fox News Had Existed Throughout History

Feeding Time

I'm not usually a big fan of movie sequels, but this one definitely looks like a winner!

When Harry Met Sally 2 with Billy Crystal & Helen Mirren from Billy Crystal

Your Own Personal Jesus

Fare Thee Well

Witnessing the True Power of a Tsunami

The thing about a tsunami is that it isn't just a big wave that crashes onto the beach. Rather, it's a relentless, seemingly never-ending surge of water that just keeps coming and coming and coming. This particular video, perhaps more than any of the others that have been making the rounds on the internet, really drives that point home.

What's the Government Done for Me Lately? Well....

I'm not sure who wrote this, but I first saw it on Jeff Parker's Facebook page.

This morning I awoke to my alarm clock, powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy. I took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) determined the weather was going to be, using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA). I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food, and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

At the appropriate time, as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built by local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of the quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the U.S. Postal Service and wave to the the kids being taken to the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to a house which is not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspections, and which not has been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local Police Department. Finally, I can log onto the internet, which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration, and post on FoxNews.com forums about how socialism in medicine is bad because the government can't do anything right.

Why I Miss Carl Sagan

Religion: Based onWorshiping a Grotesque Monster Out of Fear

The Space Oscars

"O-Dor of Uranus?" Good grief. Even I wouldn't stoop THAT low for a cheap, immature laugh.

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I would!

It's a Fine Line Between Hypocrisy and Irony

Republicans in the Virginia General Assembly have passed a measure requiring abortion clinics to register as hospitals. The measure, once it takes effect, will force many clinics across the state to close.

For a political party that supposedly preaches about getting government off people's backs and out of their lives, Republicans seem to have absolutely no problem with telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies.

Likewise with the party's opposition to same sex marriage: For a group that constantly preaches about abolishing government regulations, they seem to have no problem defining exactly what constitutes a marriage.

Governor Hitler of Wisconsin

'The A-Trek'

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you crossed the A-Team with Star Trek? Well, wonder no more!

Conspiring to Confuse?

What is it with conspiracy nuts? In addition to the so-called 'moon hoaxers,' there are 9/11 'truthers', JFK assassination conspiracy buffs, and holocaust deniers.

As for me, I firmly believe that all the various conspiracy theories out there are the product of a massive world government cabal and its efforts to keep humanity in a perpetual state of confusion.

Then again, maybe what we perceive as reality is just a glitch in the Matrix.

Happy Valentine's Day!

'Life Looks for Life'

If Only It Was True

A Legitimate Financial Opportunity?

I don't usually pay attention to those email offers that periodically show up in my inbox. They are generally scams and not worthy of my time. This one, however, caught my eye and, after some research, seems legit. I've already forwarded my bank account information.

From: Hosni Mubarak

Cc: recipient list not shown: ;

Sent: Thu, Feb 3, 2011 10:47 am

Subject: from Hosni Mubarak, President of Egypt

Hello Friend,

I am President Hosni Mubarak, President of Egypt, world renown dictator and oppressor extraordinaire of personal freedoms of all natures. I feel quite safe dealing with you having gone through your remarkable profile on the Internet. Certain unexpected situations of sensitive nature have arisen which require me to seek residency elsewhere. I thereby request your assistance to execute an urgent legal transaction that will open doors for unimaginable financial reward for both of us. This deal is 100%legitimate considering my position as President here in this Country.

If you accept to work with me in executing this transaction involving a huge amount of cash $10 Billion United States Dollars, quickly get back to me in complete confidence for further clarification/full details of proceeding. It is of utmost importancy that you not share this opportunity with World Bank or United Nations peoples.

Forward me the bellow information as follows:

1, YOUR FULL NAMES

2, YOUR OCCUPATION/POSITION

3, YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND MOBILE NUMBER,

4, YOUR ADDRESS.

5, YOUR AGE.

6, YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR ID IF ANY.

7, YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AND ROUTING NUMBERS.

8, YOUR ATM PIN NUMBER

I await your reply with great eagerness.

Sincerely,

President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt

Yes, Because Religion Is All About the Sanctity of Life

And if you don't believe that, then we'll kill you.

Why 2010 Made Us Sick

Here's Dave Barry's annual Year in Review column. This latest edition stars the once proud and well-received 2010.

Some previous Dave Barry year in review columns:

2009: Lowlights of a Downer Year
2008: Year in Review
2007: An Inconvenient Year
2006: That Blasted Year
2005: A year on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
2004: No Thanks for the Memories
2003: Between Iraq and a Hard Place
Getting to the Bottom of 2002
None for 2001
2000 Year in Review
1999: A Look Back at the Millennium

The Ol' In-Out

The Washington Post is out with its annual in-out list.