Final Questions As We Prepare to Meet Our Maker

Well, here we are in the final hours of existence. Yes, May 21 has arrived in much of the world. And according to Harold Camping, the greatest religious leader of our era, (hell, the FINAL era), the 21st is the day the world will end. Admittedly, the exact hour is a little fuzzy. There does seem to be a consensus that 6 PM is when the real shitstorm will hit, but 6 PM where? Even this guy, who put up his entire life savings to get the word out, doesn't seem to know. He just says 6 PM.

The problem is that there are 24 time zones around the world. Will each time zone get its own massive earth-shattering quake as it turns 6 PM? If so, it's going to be really confusing in Indiana, in which individual counties are allowed to pick whether they're in the eastern time zone or the central time zone. No doubt God will have his hands full trying to confine those massive 12.0 on the Richter scale quakes within county lines.

At any rate, we'll know soon enough. 6 PM will hit the international dateline in another few hours. That will be 6 AM Greenwhich Mean Time and 2 AM in the eastern United States.

And what happens when you get Raptured, anyway? Does your spiritual soul simply float away, leaving its former physical body behind to just plop down onto the ground? If so, medical examiners everywhere (at least the ones who didn't themselves get called to heaven) will have their hands doing autopsies. They'll obviously have to prioritize. And the unscrupulous among us may take advantage of this by killing someone in such a way that leaves no obvious physical marks. Then we can just say, oh, my husband must have been Raptured. No need for an investigation. When do I get the life insurance money?

Or will the bodies of the saved simply float away in defiance of all known physical laws concerning gravity? Won't one's eyeballs explode as your physical body approaches the vacuum of outer space? And how do you behold the glory of God if your eyes have been reduced to so much gelatinous goo?

Then again, perhaps our bodies simply vanish. If that's the case, will there be a little clap of thunder as air rushes into fill the sound void left behind? And if the sinners among us see someone in the distance suddenly disappear, will we be able to count to five, listen for the thunder, and judge how far way they were?

Finally, what about those who are already dead and buried. Will they arise to walk among us? Frankly, that's what creeps me out the most. After all, people coming back from the dead is ingredient numero uno in a zombie apocalypse. I can only pray they get the hell out of here quickly and continue their journey heavenwards.

Still, maybe I should use my remaining hours as a mortal man to watch 'Zombieland' to refresh my skills in surviving in a world filled with the walking dead.