Helpful Tips for Safe Celebrating

Although this educational video is geared towards the Christmas season, it's safety messages can be applied year round.

Everyone's Going Green These Days

Mmmm.... Tastes Like Chicken

What is this sick, twisted obsession so many people have with a white Christmas? Is it all because of that stupid Bing Crosby song?

A few years ago there was aa big snowstorm that affected the Midwest and the Northeast (DC was spared). It created a transportation nightmare. Motorists were stuck in their cars on interstates, and thousands of other unfortunate souls had to spend Christmas eve sleeping on the floors of airports. How cozy is that? Clearly Bing Freakin' Crosby never had to catch a connecting flight in Minneapolis during a blizzard.

And you know why? Because Bing was already holed up in some resort lodge in the Poconos, sitting next to a warm blazing fireplace, and thoughtfully puffing on his pipe as he wondered why none of his friends had shown up. Meanwhile, those very same friends are stuck on a road on some frozen mountain pass, struggling against the blinding whiteout conditions in a desperate bid to stay alive, and wondering who among them would be the first to be eaten by the group.

Clearly, Bing Crosby was an asshole.

Payback Is a Bitch

I Hate It When That Happens

Big Government Rears Its Ugly Head Again

Sarah Palin and her merry band of tea partiers are right: The Federal government is just too damn big and restrictive. In yet another outrageous move against the free market principles that made America great, the Consumer Product Safety Commission is outlawing cribs that kill babies.

I, for one, am outraged.

The Digital Story of the Nativity

Pure, unadulterated genius.

Thank God the RepublicansAre Defending the Oppressed Rich of America

Ricky Gervais Explores the Story of Noah and the Ark

All I can say about this video is that it takes balls to accuse God of genocide.

What? The Curtains?

Time to Get in the Holiday Spirit

Dirty Things You Can Only Say on Thanksgiving Day

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

Thanksgiving, 2010 Style

Maybe She Didn't Have a Compass Handy

Once again the 'lamestream media' is picking on Sarah Palin, all because she got confused about which Korea is our ally and which one is run by the crazy lunatic dictator who sells nuclear bombs on eBay. So what if, as President, she might order the United States Air Force to bomb the wrong country? Those kind of things sometimes happen between friends, and afterwards everyone sits down and laughs about it.

Besides, it's not like she can see either Korea from her front porch.

Is That a Drumstick in Your Pocketor Are You Just Happy to See Me?

As we approach the busiest U.S. travel days of the year, there is a massive controversy brewing over the searches conducted at airports. There are rumors that some protesters will go as far as to deliberately slow down the system.

What is wrong with people? Would you rather undergo a rigorous pat-down or increase your odds of getting blown out of the sky by some guy with exploding underwear? If you want to gamble, fine, go to Vegas. Just don't gamble with the lives of everyone else on the plane. That is NOT your right, but it's exactly what you're doing with these protests.

This story is nothing more than the product of more overblown obsessive media hype. It's this month's equivalent of a mosque at Ground Zero or a missing blond in Aruba.

What Would Happen if All Atheists Left America?

Saying Thanks

The recent plot to bomb Washington, DC's Metro system was uncovered because a Muslim informant went to the FBI. Also, the plot involving cargo bombs on planes was revealed by a Muslim member of Al Qaeda who surrendered himself to Saudi Arabian authorities. The Saudi government, which is crawling with Muslims, then alerted the United States.

So how should we thank all these people who helped save innocent American lives? I know! Let's let them build a mosque at Ground Zero!

It's just a matter of time until Ken Cuccinelli files a lawsuit against those alarmist dinosaurs.

NOW You Get Mad?!?!

I'm not sure who first first wrote this. A friend forwarded it to me in an email. A search only showed that it's been around for a while but failed to turn up the original author. Still, with the election coming up in just two days, it seems timely.

We had eight years of Bush and Cheney, now you get mad!?!?
You didn't get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a President.
You didn't get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy.
You didn't get mad when a covert CIA operative got ousted.
You didn't get mad when the Patriot Act got passed.
You didn't get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us.
You didn't get mad when we spent over 600 billion(and counting) on said illegal war.

You didn't get mad when over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq .
You didn't get mad when you found out we were torturing people.
You didn't get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans.
You didn't get mad when we didn't catch Bin Laden.
You didn't get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.
You didn't get mad when we let a major US city drown.
You didn't get mad when we gave a 900 billion tax break to the rich.
You didn't get mad when, using reconciliation; a trillion dollars of our tax dollars were redirected to insurance companies for Medicare Advantage which cost over 20 percent more for basically the same services that Medicare provides.
You didn't get mad when the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark, and our total national debt hit the thirteen trillion dollar mark.

You FINALLY got mad when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are perfectly fine with you, but helping your fellow American citizens live healthier lives.... That's where you draw the line.

The Upside to Being a Tea Partier

I take a certain perverse comfort in knowing that if humanity is ever overrun by zombies hungry for brains, at least members of the tea party will be safe.

New Sequel

Here's the trailer for the new 'A Terminator Christmas.'

Beaver Shots

It's wildly ironic (in an Alanis Morissette sort of way) that Barbara Billingsley and Bob Guccione died in the same week.

One starred on a show called 'Leave It to Beaver.' The other took photos of them.

Never Ask a Vulcan for a Neck Rub

Words to Live by

Giving the Pope the Welcome He Deserves

Here's a great little song written in honor of Pope Benedict's visit to England. It's f*cking funny.... Oh, and you DEFINITELY don't want to play it within earshot of little kids or the boss.

But Suppose I Pray to Unicorns?

Sad Commentary on Today

In Memorium

Budweiser made this ad in the months after 9-11. They only aired it once so as not to benefit financially from it.

Fire in the Hole

Between the whole 'Ground Zero Mosque' controversy and the lunatic Florida preacher who wants to burn the Korans on 9-11, I've become more convinced than ever that atheists are the only truly rational people in the universe.

Speaking of Florida's Terry Jones, here's a question I'd like to see answered: How did he come to be in possession of all those Korans? Did his church buy them? Did his congregants buy them, then donate them to the church? In either case, wouldn't the money have been better spent helping the poor and less fortunate in his community?

Indeed, wouldn't that have been the more Christian thing to do?

Just a Bunch of Nunsense

As it turns out, my phobia of nuns is well justified.

Tragic News from Kansas

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Time for A Compromise

The country currently has its shorts in a proverbial bunch over the so-called 'Ground Zero Mosque.' The question we face is, do we demonstrate the freedom that the United States stands for and allow it to be built, or do we lower ourselves to the same intolerance that plagues much of Islam?

Putting aside the minor detail that the thing is a cultural center and not just a mosque, and that it would actually be located two blocks from Ground Zero, I would like to offer a compromise:

Do NOT allow the facility to be built, and in return the Catholic church stops building churches next to playgrounds.

A Prayer for the Stressed

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change;
The courage to change the things I can not accept;
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to whack today because they pissed me off.

At Least He Didn't Have a Cigar

Well, This Explains a Lot

Introducing the 'Purity of Marriage Act'

New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other

An Old Argument, Now More Timely Than Ever

This past weekend Virginia was the scene of a tragic car crash that may have national implications. The reason: An illegal immigrant was driving drunk and ran head-on into a car carrying three nuns, killing one and sending the other two to the hospital. To their credit, other members of the Benedictine Sisters are saying that the incident should NOT be used for political purposes in the debate over illegal immigration.

In any event, the tragedy calls to mind a heated argument between Bill O'Reilly and Geraldo Rivera that took place several years ago:

Escaped Killers on the Loose; Nothing to Worry About

Three convicted murders have escaped from a prison in Arizona. Officials have identified the escapees as Tracy Province, 42; Daniel Renwick, 36; and John McCluskey, 45. At one point the trio hijacked a truck and forced the driver to take them to Flagstaff.

State officials say there is no need for the public to be alarmed, however. None of the escapees is an illegal immigrant.

Historic First in Russia

In a historic move, Russia has elected its first black politician. Jean Gregoire Sagbo was elected to the town council of Novozavidovo, located about 65 miles north of Moscow.

In response, Sagbo's opponents have begun demanding to see his birth certificate.

Moon Hoax

I've always suspected that the moon landings were faked. Now here's the proof!!

Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate

Amen!

Rewriting the Rules

Let me first admit to the world that I, a 51 year old male, have watched the first two 'Twilight' movies. Purely out of curiosity, you understand. I was a huge 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and 'Angel' fan, and I love 'True Blood.' (The show, not the drink). I enjoy Stephen King and am currently reading the fifth 'Harry Potter' book. Naturally enough I figured 'Twilight' would be right up my alley.

Boy, was I wrong. First of all, the 'Twilight' vampires have absolutely no problem exposing themselves to direct sunlight. They just, well, sparkle. No pain, no death. What the freakin' frack is that about?!?! Everyone knows sunlight is supposed to make bloodsuckers burst into flame! Remember when Godric went up to the roof in last season's 'True Blood' to wait for the sunrise? Yeah, I freely admit to crying.

And the same with the vamps in 'Buffy.' First they'd start to smolder, then they'd scream like little girls and burst into flames. Even Angel, who was a good vampire with a soul, couldn't handle sunlight.

After hundreds of years of vampire stories, everyone by now knows how to kill a vampire, right? Drive a stake through his heart. That useful tip has been ingrained into the collective psyche of the entire human race. And it worked wonders for Buffy. Heck, in her case, anything wooden would do, be it a broom handle or a chair leg.

But is tradition good enough for 'Twilight?' No, of course not. Forget those trusty stakes. The only way to kill a vampire in the 'Twilight' movies is to literally tear him or her apart and scatter the resulting pieces all over the house.

Of course, this means that if you ever encounter a vampire in real life and are engaged in a desperate struggle to save your life, you'll need to identify which species of vampire you're up against: Traditional or Twilight. Guess wrong, and you can kiss your precious hemoglobin goodbye.

And then there are the werewolves introduced in the second installment of 'Twilight.' What the hell was up with them? First, it's a hereditary trait that manifests itself during puberty, like pubic hair. And they can transform at will, even during daylight, regardless of the moon cycle. And they're not just mindless homicidal creatures; they can still recognize their human friends.

Remember Buffy's friend Oz? He was a werewolf. A traditional werewolf who only transformed during the full moon.... And would eat his best friend in a heartbeat. Most importantly, the dude ALWAYS wore a shirt.

But no, not in 'Twilight.' For some odd reason, those werewolves never wear a shirt when in human form. It can be ten freakin' degrees below zero in a howling blizzard, and they still won't wear a shirt. Oh, and when they transform into werewolves, their pants just disappear. They don't get taken off or shredded. They just kind of magically disappear. Oh, and when the werewolf transforms back into human form, the pants just reappear. Why? Well, aside from avoiding a PG-13 rating, I mean.

Hell, even The Hulk had the decency to always wear trousers. And when he calmed down and transformed back into Bruce Banner, he'd still be wearing them.... Tattered, of course, but at least they weren't magic pants.

Rekindle Your Patriotism

Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

Toy Wire

I've often wondered what would happen if you crossed HBO's 'The Wire' with Pixar's 'Toy Story.' Well, now I know.

Vaginal Birth vs. the Stork Hypothesis

Does This Qualify as a Miracle?

A well known 60 foot statue of Jesus was struck by lightning last week. The ensuing blaze destroyed the statue, which had been nicknamed 'Touchdown Jesus' by heathens because of its upraised arms.... Which apparently didn't function very well as lightning rods.

BP Launches Impressive New Ad Campaign

AMEN!!!!

Probe This

If everything goes to plan, in a few hours time the Japanese space probe Hayabusa will be landing in Australia. It will be a significant scientific development, because the craft will be returning with a sample from an asteroid. And while we Earthbound humans can study meteorites that fall from the sky, this will be mankind's first opportunity to study a sample that has not been affected by the fiery heat of a plunge through our atmosphere.

Of course, there's also the slight possibility that the sample will spawn a giant shape shifting gelatinous creature that devours humans whole, but that's about as likely as an oil well experiencing an uncontrolled blowout a mile beneath the ocean's surface.

It's Never too Late to Pick on George W. Bush

I have the perfect compromise: Let's use tax dollars to kill all the sick people. That should make everyone happy!!!!

Judgment Day

A look at some of the events of the past several weeks can only lead to one conclusion: Judgment Day is upon us.

No, no. I don't mean the Judgment Day from the Bible. Please. Give me some credit. I'm more likely to start quoting excerpts from the Harry Potter books before I start spouting the make-believe stuff from the Bible.

Rather, I'm referring to Judgment Day as defined by the Terminator movies: A rebellion by the very machines mankind has created. Before you doubt me and begin casting doubt on my theories, take a look at the evidence.

First, we have the allegations of unintended acceleration by Toyotas. While some such incidents may be dismissed as human error (oops, wrong pedal kind of stuff), not all of it can be explained away so quickly. There is evidence that there is some sort of glitch in the cars' software that is causing these vehicles to kill their owners.

Then we had the big stock market upheaval a few weeks ago. No one seems quite sure what initially triggered the big sell off, but it's clear that something caused the computers to take over and begin dumping shares by the millions.

And do I need to bring up the BP spill? Sure, it looks like an accident, but was it really? Quite a coincidence that multiple fail-safe devices failed simultaneously. And let's face the ugly truth: By definition, "fail-safe" devices aren't supposed to fail. Something is preventing those various cutoff valves 5000 feet below the ocean's surface to not work properly. Could it be a self-aware malevolent entity contained within the electronics of the fail-safe device?

Finally, have you heard about the out of control communications satellite in orbit over Earth at this very moment? Yes, a satellite intended to broadcast shows back to our TVs has gone more rogue than Sarah Palin ever did. Sure, satellites die all the time. It happens. But at least when they die, they're never heard from again.

What's most bizarre about this latest technological marvel run amok is that while scientists on Earth have lost control of its orbit, it continues to transmit TV signals like any normal satellite would be expected to do. The danger is that as it drifts pasts normally functioning satellites, it may override their signals, creating havoc on Earth just as Sookie takes off her top on the next episode of "True Blood."

What's next? Nuclear missiles launching themselves? Mr. Coffees lacing our morning brews with arsenic? I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm moving to the sewers where it's safe.

Why I Don't Believe in Cupboards

Making the Best of a Bad Situation

BP's new public relations campaign leaves a little something to be desired.

Oil's Well That Ends Well

Good news!! The Coast Guard has finally removed 10,000 gallons of oil from a ship that wrecked in Alaska in 1952.

Let's see.... 59 years to clean up 10,000 gallons.... If such efficiency can be demonstrated in the efforts to clean up the four million gallons spilled thus far in the BP accident, that should be cleaned up in, um, damn, my calculator only goes up to eight digits.

Having It Both Ways

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal and other Republican governors along the Gulf coast are criticizing what they see as the Federal government's slow response to the Big Spill.

Hmmm.... NOW they suddenly want a strong central government? What happened to all that crap about states rights? Even worse, doesn't the expectation that the government is somehow supposed to step in and clean up a mess created by private industry amount to--GASP!--SOCIALISM!?!?!?

Or is socialism bad only when it's someone ELSE that needs government help?

Never Call Teabaggers 'Retarded'

I've previously compared the tea party to the mentally challenged, then found myself having to apologize for offending the mentally challenged by comparing them to teabaggers. It thus comes as great relief that I'm not the only one who has run into this situation.

That Eve Chick Sure Is Hot!

Damn That Lincoln

Today was DC Emancipation Day, marking the day President Abraham Lincoln issued a decree freeing all the slaves within the District of Columbia. Lincoln was the nation's 16th President and is unanimously reviled by patriotic Americans for constantly infringing on states' rights.

In an unrelated matter, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell declared today a day of mourning and ordered all flags statewide to be flown at half-staff.

Northern Virginia:A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villiany

A couple of years ago a "pro-life" pharmacy opened with much fanfare in Chantilly, VA. The grand opening ceremonies even featured a priest sprinkling holy water around the store. It was intended as a refuge for those who preferred to do their shopping in a temptation/sin free zone. No porn magazines, no condoms, no makeup, no birth control pills, and no fun of ANY kind! Even the pharmacists would be of the highest moral caliber, refusing to dispense such devil's playthings as morning after pills.

Well, the marketplace has spoken and the Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy has gone out of business. Turns out they weren't making any money!!! Not surprising, if you think about it. With no kiddie porn available, there was no reason for even priests to keep coming by.

The President of Divine Mercy Care blames the fact that a regular full service drug store and a K-Mart with a pharmacy were within easy walking distance. Apparently those stores appeal more to the godless heathens and harlots that populate Chantilly.

Hitler Weighs in on Health Care Reform

Groping for the Truth

Click here for the story.

Up, Up, and.... Still Up

If I ever find myself with an erection lasting four hours, I'd be more concerned about dying from carpal tunnel syndrome than anything else.

Proud to Be a Tumor on Society's Ass

Fox commentator Glenn Beck says that progressives are a cancer eating away at America.

Perhaps Beck should keep in mind that if it weren't for progressives, women still wouldn't have the right to vote, African-Americans still would still be drinking from separate (but equal) water fountains, and America would still be a British colony.

On the other hand, Sarah Palin would just be a housewife in Alaska, so maybe the man has a valid point.

Apparently the Führer is none too happy with Apple. Good thing Steve Jobs isn't Jewish or he'd REALLY be in trouble!

Explosive Humor

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

'He's a martyr, too,' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

----From an email

Famous Last Words

Getting Your Space Rocks Off

A couple of weeks ago a small meteorite crashed the roof of a doctors' office in Lorton, Virginia. Though the building was occupied, no one was hurt, but several people no doubt had to change their shorts afterwards. Feeling magnanimous, the doctors decided to donate the space rock to the Smithsonian Institution.

Not so fast, said the building's landlord. It's their building, so the meteorite is theirs as well.

But has anyone bothered to think of the poor meteorite? The little fellow has been around since a cloud of interstellar dust first coalesced 4.5 billion years ago. Shunned by all the other asteroids who got together to form the various planet, this little guy stayed by himself. He probably watched in fascination as the first single cell lifeforms formed in the primordial ooze of Earth. No doubt marveled as those same cells combined, grew, evolved, and eventually crawled onto land. Probably cried when his much bigger brother smashed into that same Earth and wiped out the dinosaurs. Watched in awe as man began venturing from his home world. Finally, tired of being a bystander for all these eons, he decides to visit Earth in person and introduce himself. And what happens? He ends up as exhibit A on a freakin' courtroom table.

What a pisser of an ending.

When the Saints Come Marching in

Shortly after hurricane Katrina hit the gulf coast in 2005, several religious leaders said that the storm was God's way of punishing New Orleans for its loose morals. If we accept that theory as being true, what are we to make of the Saints' first ever trip to the Super Bowl? Wouldn't their victory in yesterday's NFC championship game also then be a manifestation of God's will?

Clearly God has loosened up over the last four and a half years. Not only does He no longer hold a grudge against the people of New Orleans, but by delivering victory to the city's NFL team, it is now obvious that the lord almighty specifically endorses the homosexual lifestyle and sexual debauchery for which the city is so well known.

I wonder if any ministers will be preaching THAT this coming Sunday.

Amen

Haiti Earthquake Reactions

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Making the Passing of 2009 Official

Here's the WaPo's annual In & Out List.

Also, Dave Barry's Lowlights of a Downer Year.

When Life Throws You a Cork,Drink the Champagne!