Friday, July 31, 2009

Keeping Up with Technology Is Never Easy

Hitler really wanted one of the new 3G iPhones.

More Proof That God Has Lousy Aim

A Department of Justice lawyer from Virginia was killed by lightning while jogging on a beach in North Carolina. Friends and colleagues described him as a "deeply religious" man who was very active in a group that runs Christian youth retreats.

Meanwhile, there are tens of thousands of godless lesbians and homosexuals, as well as activist judges and satanic politicians who permit such evil unions, spreading their sinful ways across our great land. Curiously, not a single one of them has been struck by lightning in the last week.

Some people may seize on this as proof that there is no God. They would be wrong, and the lord almighty would swiftly smite them by not hitting them with lightning, either.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Not Everyone Is Happy about the Palin Resignation

My favorite Führer is taking Sarah Palin's resignation rather hard.

Born Again

There are supposedly intelligent people out living among us who continue to insist that Obama wasn't born in the United States. Not surprisingly, Rush Limbaugh is one of them. This is understandable, since Rush goes through his days in a prescription drug filled haze and is therefore unable to recognize reality when it walks up and bites him in his big fat stinking ass.

In response, Hawaii has once again released his birth certificate. Two Hawaii newspapers have also confirmed that they ran his birth announcement back in 1961.

And if you think all this evidence will shut the lunatics on the far right up once and for all, you're dreaming.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Did the Dogs Get a Second Chance?

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has inexplicably decided to "conditionally" reinstate Michael Vick. What this means to Vick is that after serving a six game suspension, he will be eligible to play for any team that signs him. As of now, no one has done so, but that's only a matter of time.

It also means that I won't be watching football for a while. At least not as long as Vick remains a player.

For the last several years the NFL has been focusing on presenting itself as a family fun type of sport. They've even taken steps to throw out overly rowdy fans who scream curses at games. That was done in response to complaints from parents who didn't want to expose their kids to such language.

The NFL has also taken steps to try to clean up its players off field behaviors. Arrests for any offense often result in player suspensions.

So then what the hell is the NFL thinking? Well, Vick still has a lot of fans and supporters out there. They argue that Vick served his sentence for running a dogfighting ring and deserves a second chance.

Um, why?

Playing in the National Football League is not a right. As far as I can tell, there is nothing in the United States Constitution about it. No, if anything, it's a privilege that has to be earned through hard work. And since so many kids look up to their favorite players, it also carries a certain responsibility. Many players may disagree with that, but they need to remember they're being paid millions of dollars a year to play a freakin' game. If they can't handle that basic truth, maybe they should go work for a living like the rest of us poor schlubs.

What Vick did was not a victimless crime. Hundreds of dogs were killed by him and his associates, all in the name of a brutal and barbaric "sport." If the NFL is truly serious about cleaning up its image, it should have told Vick to take a hike.... Off the field.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Hitler Grows Weary of these Parodies

The Führer is getting understandably tired of being repeatedly mocked on YouTube.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

According to One Republican, It's Time to Overthrow the Government

Are Republicans stupid, or they completely, utterly, certifiably insane?

Catherine Crabill, a GOP candidate running for the Virginia House of Delegates, recently called on Americans to resist the course Obama has set for the country. Said Crabill,
"We have a chance to fight this battle at the ballot box before we have to resort to the bullet box.... But that's the beauty of our Second Amendment right. I am glad for all of us who enjoy the use of firearms for hunting. But make no mistake. That was not the intent of the Founding Fathers. Our Second Amendment right was to guard against tyranny."

Crabill initially stood by her words, but then began to back off from her call to arms after it became apparent she had triggered a major controversy. Regardless of what the woman meant to say, it's becoming increasingly apparent that the Republican party has lost touch with reality. Her quote just provides further proof of that.

Obama won last year's election. Depending on how you look at it, his totals set records. And so far, his presidency has followed the path he laid out during his campaign for office.

Let's not mince words: If Republicans and other members of the far right have a problem accepting Obama's agenda, then they apparently also have a problem with the very institution of democracy.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Sign of the Times

I can still remember when they used to be free.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hitler Finds Out He's on YouTube

That poor Führer just can't catch a break.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Good Thing We Live in the 21st Century

Good grief.

There's going to be a total solar eclipse visible later this week, and people in India are working themselves into an absolute lather over it. Rumors abound that eclipses cause birth defects, world wars, assassinations of political leaders, and possibly the very end of the Earth itself. Even better, Hindu legend says that eclipses are caused by the demons Rahu and Ketu as they "swallow the sun during eclipses, snuffing out its life-giving light and causing food to become inedible and water undrinkable."

Silly me. And I thought eclipses had something to do with the moon getting between the Earth and the sun.

This raises an important question: Since any given solar eclipse is only visible from a very limited area of the Earth, is the death and mayhem and Armageddon stuff confined only to the areas that can actually witness the eclipse? Or does the whole world end? And if so, is that fair to the people who didn't get a chance to witness the eclipse? And if the world's going to end anyway, why not go ahead and stare directly at it? Hell, enjoy the last few minutes of your existence.

More importantly, scientists are fairly certain that this isn't the first solar eclipse to occur in the history of the world. If true, why are we still here? How come the world doesn't end every few years when there's an eclipse somewhere?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Maybe He Did It on Purpose

Well, this is certainly a strange news item. It seems that Pope Benedict broke his wrist in an accidental fall.

How is this possible? I thought the Pope was supposed to be infallible!

Another Setback for Hitler

If his defeat at Bastogne wasn't bad enough, now the Führer has been banned from Wikipedia.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Or Just Hold It Till We Get to North Carolina

Virginia introduced its "Virginia is for lovers" slogan years ago. While it still may be true, it wouldn't hurt if the two of you stopped to pee before coming here.

The state has announced that it is closing 18 of its 37 highway rest stops due to budgetary considerations. That's fine and dandy, but what about urinary considerations? A spokeswoman for the state wasn't too concerned, explaining that many of these rest areas were set up decades ago when Virginia was a much more rural state. Since then, fast food restaurants and gas stations have sprung up around most of the state's highway exits, rendering some rest stops unnecessary.

No word on Ronald McDonald feels about being reduced to an official Virginia bathroom attendant.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hitler Gets Banned from XBox Live

In today's exciting installment of the Hitler Chronicles, everyone's favorite Führer runs into problems with his XBox account.

The Awful Truth about Socialism

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Should the Pope Resign?

Well, I must admit to being puzzled.

Two months ago, when President Obama delivered the commencement address at the University of Notre Dame, many Catholics were outraged. How dare the president of the the largest Catholic university in the U.S. meet with Obama, a known abortion rights supporter? Even worse, the university bestowed an honorary degree on Obama. When graduation day finally rolled around, protesters descended on the campus. Many students and their families went as far as to demand the resignation of Notre Dame's president.

All of which raises an important question: Where was the outrage when Pope Bendict met with Obama over the weekend? How come U.S. Catholics didn't take to the streets with picket signs? Why didn't priests take time out of their sermons on Sunday to demand the Pope's resignation? Wasn't Benedict, by meeting with Obama, legitimizing the American leader's views in support of abortion?

As a God fearing Catholic who respects the tenets of his faith, I feel it is my duty to speak the words what the leaders of my church have failed to say: It's time for the Pope to step down.

Hitler Learns That Twitter Is Down

This past Saturday I posted the video of Adolf Hitler getting the news that Michael Jackson had died. His highly emotional reaction was enough to bring tears to anyone's eyes.

It turns out there are actually several such Hitler videos. The footage, which is the same in all the videos, is from a 2004 German-Austrian film called called "Downfall." Only the subtitles vary. After watching several of the videos, I've certainly come to see that there was a softer, more tender side to the man.

Incidentally, if you're not as up on the latest technical jargon as the Führer is, I added a glossary with links below the video.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Cheney Staying in Shape?

Police in Mexico say that they have found 12 bodies near the town of La Huacana. It is believed the victims were first subjected to extensive torture.

No word on where Dick Cheney was at the time.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Existence Defined

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Bad News

People with no sense of humor will find this video deeply offensive. As for me, I thought it was one of the funniest damn things I've ever seen.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Thursday, July 09, 2009

A Twist on the Illegal Immigration Debate

Is Mexico Torturing Prisoners?

Several human rights groups have accused Mexico of torture in its pursuit of drug traffickers. Additionally, the Mexican military is accused of forced disappearances and illegal searches.

If these charges are true, then Mexico's actions are disturbing, despicable, and not worthy of a democratic nation that supposedly lives by the rules of a civilized nation.

In other words, welcome to the club, Mexico!!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Putting Jackson's Death in Perspective

Back on June 26 I made pretty clear that I wasn't a Michael Jackson fan, and that I thought the coverage was overblown.

Needless to say, the 11 days since then have only driven me further over the edge.

Then I came across this letter to the editor that ran in the Washington Post on Sunday. If this doesn't put Jackson's death in perspective, I don't know what will.

Here it is, in its entirety.

A Life of Worth, Overlooked
My nephew, Brian Bradshaw, was killed by an explosive device in Afghanistan on June 25, the same day that Michael Jackson died. Mr. Jackson received days of wall-to-wall coverage in the media. Where was the coverage of my nephew or the other soldiers who died that week? There were several of them, and our family crossed paths with the family of another fallen soldier at Dover Air Force Base, where the bodies come "home." Only the media in Brian's hometown and where he was stationed before his deployment covered his death.

I remember Brian as a toddler wandering around in cowboy boots and hat, not seeing the need for any other clothing. He grew into a thoroughly decent person with a wry sense of humor. He loved wolves and history. Most Christmases, I gave him a biography or some analysis of the Civil War. He read such things for pleasure.

He had old-fashioned values and believed that military service was patriotic and that actions counted more than talk. He wasn't much for talking, although he could communicate volumes with a raised eyebrow.

He was a search-and-rescue volunteer, an altar boy, a camp counselor. He carried the hopes and dreams of his parents willingly on his shoulders. What more than that did Michael Jackson do or represent that earned him memorial "shrines," while this soldier's death goes unheralded?

It makes me want to scream.



Tuesday, July 07, 2009

By Any Other Name

In what may be the stupidest damn thing since the introduction of New Coke back in the '80s, the Sci Fi Channel has changed its name to: The Syfy Channel. Yes, it's still pronounced the same. It's just spelled differently, so that somehow makes it better.

The good news is that they will still continue to offer original science fiction programming, including movies that look like they were made on a budget of five bucks.

Seeing Stars

Astronomers have released a map showing where tomorrow's stars will be born.

What a waste of time. Who gives a crap? Don't these people have something better to do? Shouldn't they be mapping the surface of Mars or something? Figuring out whether Titan can support life? How Saturn got its rings?

Hell, I'm having a hard enough time accepting today's stars. I mean, seriously, how did someone like Seth Rogen ever get famous?

Hot Air Alert

A couple of months ago a number of conservative pundits were screaming that Obama relies on a teleprompter. Well, let's see what happens when one of their own has a problem with his teleprompter.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Nothing to Lose Your Head Over

A top bishop of the Church of England says that gays should repent.

No word on whether Bishop Michael Nazir-Ali also feels that Henry VIII, who founded the Church of England, should repent for chopping off Ann Boleyn's head just so he could marry his third wife.

Why We Need to Be Careful with Iran

So what the heck is going on in Iran? Just as it seems like the protests over their recent elections have died down, a group of Islamic clerics has announced that it considers the results "invalid." This is a significant development because it signifies a major rift among the wacky Muslim clerics that run the country. In particular, it is a direct challenge to the ruling Ayatollah.

Meanwhile, supporters of existing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are suggesting that some of the leaders of the recent protests should be executed for their act of defiance. This is particularly ironic, since the existing rulers of Iran came to power 30 years ago after overthrowing the Shah, whose brutal regime was well known for torturing and executing its political opponents (more on the Shah in a moment).

Predictably, Republicans have been critical of President Obama's mostly silent response to the events in Iran. Former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz recently wrote a piece for the Washington Post that pretty much tore Obama a new one.

Excuse me? Has Wolfowitz been in Michael Jackson's medicine cabinet or something? He is the absolute last to be lecturing anyone about foreign policy towards the Middle East. Wolfowitz was one of the principle architects of the invasion of Iraq, quite possibly the biggest foreign policy blunder of the United States in the last 50 years. And this moron has the audacity to weigh in with his opinion about Iran? Talk about chutzpah.

Obama has been right to show restraint towards developments in Iran. The last thing the U.S. needs to do is provide the existing Iranian government with ammunition to say that the protesters are being directed by us.

But more importantly, for the United States to talk about the importance of democracy in Iran is the absolute height of hypocrisy. After all, it was the United States and Britain that in 1953 helped overthrow the democratically elected government of Iran and instead replace it with a dictatorship under the Shah. And the reason for the coup? Well, the Iranian government had the nerve to suggest that it was time for them to start profiting from all the oil that was being exported. The Shah, on the other hand, promised to be more friendly towards the west. Oh, and all this took place under President Eisenhower's administration--a Republican president.

Thanks to the support of the CIA, the Shah and his brutal dictatorship remained in power for 26 years.

The Iranian people never forgot this, and it was their long simmering resentment over our involvement in their nation's affairs that eventually led to the 1979 revolution. It also explains why the Iranians continue to hate us so damn much.

So if the Republicans wants to criticize Obama about not being supportive enough of democracy in Iran, perhaps they should first take a look in the mirror.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Sticky Situation

Saturday, July 04, 2009


Why It Hurts When I Pee

There's nothing I enjoy more than celebrating the Fourth with my own personalized fireworks display.

The Truth Behind the Palin Resignation

There is a lot of speculation over why Sarah Palin is stepping down as governor of Alaska. Some say she's trying to better position herself for a run at the presidency in 2012. Others say she's tired of all the Republican barbs blaming her for McCain's loss. Her administration is also the target of several ethics related probes in Alaska. Finally, there's even a rumor saying that there are some emails about to become public that confirm her husband is a member of an Alaska separatist group. And what could be more patriotic than pushing for secession from the United States?

And they're all wrong. The real reason she's quitting is that David Letterman was right: Alex Rodriguez did knock up her daughter at Yankee Stadium a few weeks ago.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

If You Break It, Can It Be Put Back Together?

As it turns out, breaking the sound barrier isn't always just about sound. Sometimes it also leaves a visual mark. A photographer on the deck of an aircraft carrier captured the image to the right as a plane overhead went supersonic.

Scientists aren't entirely sure what causes the phenomenon, and it hasn't been well studied. It also doesn't happen every time the sound barrier is broken.

Wait.... Scientists don't fully understand it?!?!? That's it then!!! The only possible rational explanation is that it's a miracle!!!!! Now excuse me while I fall to my knees and ask for divine forgiveness for my wicked ways.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

And We Have a Winner!

A couple of days ago it was more or less decided that Gale Storm and Billy Hays were the start of a fresh celebrity death "threecycle." That raised the question of who would be next. One person suggested Steve Jobs, and someone else said Patrick Swayze.

Well, the winner turned out to be a dark horse candidate that no one saw coming: Karl Malden.


Our long national nightmare is finally over. Minnesota once again has two United States senators.

When the polls closed last November, the initial vote total showed incumbent senator William Coleman as the winner by a razor thin margin. That total shrank to a less than a thousand once the absentee ballots were counted. Recounts and court challenges ensued, and as each was resolved, Coleman's edge kept shrinking. The most recent count, completed a few months ago, finally had Democrat challenger Al Franken (yes, the comedian) taking the lead by just over 200 votes.

The matter finally ended up before the Minnesota supreme court, and yesterday the judges handed down their ruling: No more recounts or arguing over disputed ballots. That made Franken the winner. He is expected to be sworn in next week once the senate returns from recess.... Though quite frankly I'm having a hard time picturing all those old guys playing on the monkey bars outside the Capital.

Anyway, the ruling technically gives the Democrats 60 seats out of 100 in the senate chamber. That margin is considered magical in that it is supposed to be "filibuster proof," which means Republicans can't block legislation through parliamentary procedures. That also assumes that all Democrats would vote together as a solid unified block.

The reality, however, is not so clear cut. The senate's oldest member, 91 year old Robert Byrd of West Virginia has been absent for several weeks. Edward Kennedy, who has been battling a brain tumor, has also been out for an extended period of time. Both men are Democrats, and it remains unclear if they'll be coming back inside once recess is over.