An Inconvenient Year

While Dave Barry has retired from writing his weekly columns, he continues to grace us with his annual "histories" of the previous year. In fact, it has become such a tradition that one can argue there can be no new year until Barry himself says that the old one is over.

Those of you who jumped the gun and have already invested in 2008 calendars can relax. It's now official: 2007: An Inconvenient Year is out. Enjoy.

Previous Dave Barry year in review columns:
2006: That Blasted Year
2005: A year on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
2004: No Thanks for the Memories
2003: Between Iraq and a Hard Place
Getting to the Bottom of 2002
None for 2001
2000 Year in Review
1999: A Look Back at the Millennium

Almost Perfect

In team sports, few things are as difficult as achieving the perfect season. In the National Football League, only the 1972 Miami Dolphins have ever done it. They went 17-0: Undefeated through 14 regular season games, the playoffs, and the Super Bowl.

Last night the New England Patriots completed the (now) 16 game regular season unbeaten. They achieved it last night by knocking off the New York Giants. But the game was by no means a cakewalk for the Patriots, and that's what made last night's contest so great.

Apparently the Giants never got the memo that this was supposed to be New England's coronation, and they put up one helluva a fight. At one point in the second half, they even led by 12 points. That's impressive, because no other team this year has led the Patriots by such a large margin. But in the fourth quarter, Tom Brady and the rest of the Patriots demonstrated why they're so awesome by retaking the lead and holding on to it.

Despite all the accolades, the Patriots aren't quite on par with those Dolphins. They still have to win two playoff games and the Super Bowl before they can truly claim the title of a perfect season. A loss in the next three games will only get them branded as chokers. Fair? No, probably not. But it's accurate.

A couple of side notes about the Dolphins' 1972 record: The team they defeated in the Super Bowl was none other than the Washington Redskins, and the final score was 14-7. I mention that because the 'Skins came close to spoiling the party.

At the time, the goal posts were still located at the beginning of the end zone, at what's essentially the zero yard line. That's significant, because one of Redskin quarterback Billy Kilmer's passes hit the crossbar. Had that not happened, would the play have ended with a touchdown? Hard to say, but one can always dream.

Also, the last game the Dolphins lost before embarking on their perfect season was a preseason exhibition game.... In DC's RFK stadium against none other than those same Redskins.

Reed All About It

A new survey names Minneapolis and Seattle as the two most literate cities in the United States. The criteria included things such as the number of bookstores and libraries per capita, as well as newspaper and magazine circulation figures.

Sounds interesting and I can hardly wait for the movie version to come out.... Which probably explains why I don't live in Minneapolis or Seattle.

The Twelve Pains Of Christmas

Christmas itself is over, but we've only just begun the so-called twelve days of Christmas. In fact, just today, I was busy delivering pairs of turtle doves to my friends and family. And I was planning to do the French hens tomorrow, except the bastards from PETA just showed up and confiscated them all.

The song in this video is from the Bob Rivers Comedy Group. Rivers is a DJ in the Seattle area and has come up with some of the best Christmas parodies you'll ever hear (here's a sampling).

So enjoy the song. And if anyone needs me, I'll be out in the barn milking the maids.

A Star To Follow?

Phil at Bad Astronomy has an interesting post about the (alleged) Star of Bethlehem. Basically, it says that over the years various astronomers have tried to pinpoint the particular celestial event that would have accounted for it. The bottom line, unfortunately, is that it apparently never happened. There is no planetary alignment or supernova that would have accounted for it, and no other cultures have any record of such a "star" at that time.

But then Phil proceeds to further analyze the biblical passages which describe the event, and the bottom line is that it just doesn't make sense. The Bible, for example, says that the three Wise Guys came "from the east to Jerusalem," then later says that they saw the star "in the east."

If they saw they star in the east and traveled towards it, then yes, they would have been moving east. But the other passage says they came from the east, in which case they would have been traveling west.

Hmmmm.... Bit of a contradiction, eh?

Then there's the whole question of the Earth's rotation and how that would have affected the star's apparent location. Granted, it would have risen in the east, but then it would have traveled across the night sky and eventually set in the west. So if the Magi truly kept following the star, they would have ended up going in circles, getting sick, throwing up, becoming dehydrated, and eventually dying in the desert. Then Jesus would never have received his gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Over the subsequent years he would have grown up to be a bitter and vindicative savior.

Hmmm.... Come think of it, that's exactly how many evangelicals portray him.

No record exists of whether their camels were equipped with GPS units, like a Magellan. Then archeologists should, theoretically, be able to boot them up and retrace the precise route of the Magi.... Assuming, of course, that the batteries still work after 2,000 years.

Now I know what some of you are thinking: "Lugosi, you're a blasphemous idiot. That's the most ridiculous thing you've ever said. There's no way they could have had Magellans. Magellan wasn't born for another 1500 years AFTER the birth of Christ!!"

A good point, and one that I'm very well aware of. That's why I said "LIKE a Magellan." More likely, it would have been some other brand, such as a Pontius Pilot.

Yeah, I'm gonna burn for that one.

Giving Forehead

For those of you lucky enough to have never seen the Head On commercial, here's a shortened three minute version of it.

I Need To Get A Life

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12 Days Of, Um, Something

If you listen carefully, there's a great rendition of Toto's 'Out of Africa' buried in this mess.

Speaking Of Virgin Births....

America's once powerful economy is continuing its downward spiral into oblivion.

Foreclosures are on the rise, as is homelessness. Home ownership, once considered almost a birthright, is rapidly becoming a luxury affordable only to the rich.

The nation's once powerful automotive industry has become a joke. Ford and General Motors continue to lose millions. Chrysler's money woes almost dragged down Mercedes Benz until the German carmaker finally unloaded the company.

Our movie industry, once the envy of the world, is stalled thanks to the screenwriters' strike. Without new scripts, there will be no more Shrek sequels.

Credit card debt continues to rise while savings continue to decline. The national debt, if broken down into pennies and laid edge to edge, would stretch 14 billion light years to the very edge of the known universe.

The dollar continues to lose value in relation to virtually every other currency on the planet. Some oil producing nations have already begun using Euros instead of dollars.

And if all that isn't alarming enough, now it turns out Britney's 16 year old sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant.

Hell, if people as rich as her can't afford a damn rubber, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Fun Facts About Xmas Guaranteed To Piss Off Christians

Over the last several years quite a controversy has erupted over the use of the term "happy holidays." I personally used to favor it only because it seemed like a shorter way of saying "merry Christmas and happy new year." But then somehow political correctness crept into the matter, at which point quite a few people began getting their panties in a wad over what they perceived as a war on Christmas.

I used to think the whole debate was just plain silly. Did it really matter which term you used? By arguing the point, weren't we in fact losing sight of the real meaning of the season?

That is why I finally decided to make a stand. It's time to forget the happy holidays crap and return to the TRUE roots of Christmas.... And it has nothing to do with a baby named Jesus.

Saturnalia was a Roman festival that was celebrated around the time of the winter solstice.

"Saturnalia was a big holiday- businesses and courts closed for days. The halls were decked with holly branches and evergreen wreaths. People visited family and attended lavish banquets and holiday parties. Gifts of silver, candles, figurines, and sweets (often tied to evergreen wreaths) were exchanged. It was also customary to light candles and roam the streets singing holiday songs (albeit often in the nude). Even the "Christmas Tree" was a common sight."

So there you have it: Christmas traces its origins to an ancient pagan holiday.

Another interesting bit about Christmas concerns that whole "Xmas" thing. Many religious conservatives decry that as some sort of blasphemous abbreviation. Some have even called the use of the "X" as some sort of attempt to cross Christ out of Christmas.

Well, as it turns out, "X" was commonly used by the Greeks as an abbreviation for Christ. And why should we care about that? Well, Greek was the original language of the Bible. So if you want to ban the use of "Xmas," that's fine, but be aware that you will be banished to an eternity in the fiery bowels of perdition for disparaging the Bible.

I'm seriously tempted to explain all this to Fox News' Bill O'Reilly just to see if his head explodes.

Blowing Your Top

Are you tired of Christmas shopping? Frazzled trying to get your cards out? Sick of hearing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" for the umpteenth time? Would you like a diversion to get your mind off the stress that comes with this time of year?

Then I have just thing for you: A massive volcanic eruption that would decimate much of North America, cause worldwide starvation, and plunge the entire planet into an ice age, thus shutting up Al Gore.

While not widely known, the fact is that much of Yellowstone National Park is actually the caldera of a massive super-volcano. In fact, it's that ongoing geologic activity that causes all those geysers. The last such eruption was over 600,000 years ago, spewing forth an estimated 240 cubic miles of material. Mount St. Helens, on the other hand, only coughed up a quarter of a cubic mile of material.

A similar super eruption 70,000 years in Indonesia is believed to caused worldwide climate changes that led to a die-off of most humans on the planet at the time. So far at least, Pat Robertson hasn't explained what God was punishing mankind for at the time. Just a guess, but maybe Neanderthals had begun allowing gay marriage.

Scientists say there is no need for immediate worry even as they continue to monitor the area. A reminder of the of ongoing activity are measurements showing that parts of the park rise and fall periodically. For example, Yellowstone rose almost three feet between 1924 and 1985, then began to sink. In 2004, it began rising again. It is believed that the cause of all this is a large magma chamber that sits several miles below the surface. Periodic infusions of molten rock may be pressing on the chamber, which in turn are causing the changes on the surface.

One sure sign that an eruption is imminent would be if scientists begin fleeing the area and packing their bags for Australia.

Cylon Santa

Even if you're not a Battlestar Galactica fan, this video is still worth seeing (found at Bay of Fundie).

Unplanned Obsolescence

At the risk of sounding like a Luddite, the world as we know it is rapidly becoming obsolete. In fact, no sooner do we think we're all caught up, we find ourselves out of date again.

First it was 8-tracks, followed by LP's and cassettes. Now even CD's are giving way to downloads. Got a 30 gig iPod when they first came out? Forget it. They're puny next to the new 80 gig models.

Beta lost out to VHS, which then lost out to DVDs. Now those are about to lose out to HD DVD and Blu Ray.

Still love that 36 inch TV you bought five years ago? Well, as of February 17, 2009, it will become almost as worthless as your house. That's when analog TV signals will be cease to be broadcast, replaced by digital technology.

Do you love your kitty? Time to get rid of him or her in favor of one of the new glow-in-the-dark models.

Science and knowledge? That's so yesterday. It's faith and ignorance that are the wave of the future.

Here's one that may surprise you: If you have any incandescent light bulbs, enjoy them while you can. Under a provision of a recently passed energy bill, those kind of bulbs will be phased out over the next decade or so and replaced by fluorescent, halogen, and other energy efficient bulbs.

What will be the next to go? Underwear? Maybe it will turn out that Britney was merely ahead of her time.

Learning Experience

The northeastern U.S. has gotten clobbered by another major snowstorm. Schools were forced to close for today, highways are shut down, shopping plans have been put on hold, several deaths have been reported, and most startling of all, a U.S. Airways jet slid off a runway in Rhode Island.

Who'd have thought Rhode Island was big enough to hold an airport!?!

Anybody Got Steve Jobs' Phone Number?

There's been a lot of talk the last several days about the glow in the dark cats that South Korean scientists have cloned. However, there's a dirty little secret: They only glow when exposed to ultraviolet light.

Huh? Ultraviolet light? What the hell is that? When I go down to the supermarket, I see 60 watt bulbs, 75 watt bulbs, 100 watt bulbs, fluorescent light bulbs, bulbs for your oven, and bulbs for plants. One thing I DON'T see, however, are ultraviolet light bulbs. Is that even something you and I can buy in a store? Or will we need to lock ourselves in a tanning bed with the cat to see it glow?

If the cat only glows when exposed to ultraviolet light, what's the point?

Now if some scientist produced a cat with a built in USB port and an eight gig flash drive that you could download music onto, THEN maybe I might get a little excited. And I don't think I need to tell you where the earphone jack would be....

Hmmmm.... I may have just invented Apple's next hot item: The iCat.

Cloverfield Update

Remember the mysterious movie that is due to come out next month? A new, slightly more extensive trailer has come out. And while J.J. Abrams has certainly established his credentials on TV with shows like Alias and Lost, this thing, unfortunately, is starting to look more like some sort of cheesy monster movie.

Expanding Our Horizons Of Knowledge

Czhuc raised an interesting point in a comment to yesterday's post about creationism and evolution:

'And what about hobbits and elves? Did they dwell the earth before or after the dinosaurs?'

A very good question, and one that exposes a serious flaw in the theory of evolution. However, a careful reading of the works of Tolkien, as well as other respected scholarly sources (the Shrek movies) has enabled me to fill in some of the gaps.

Hobbits and elves--as well as dwarves and fairies--were contemporary to the time of dinosaurs. In fact, Elves were the first to tame flying dragons, which were a genetic cousin of dinosaurs. Then when Adam and Eve appeared in the Garden of Eden, they used the techniques first pioneered by Elves to domesticate other land-based dinosaurs. The Tyrannosaurus Rex, with its powerful hind legs, proved to be quite adept at pulling a plow. Later, it was a dispute over the ownership of a Brachiosaurus that led to the fatal fight between Caine and Abel.

Why I'm Embarrassed To Be An American

In a series of recent tests given to 15 year olds in 30 nations, American students ranked 17th in science and 24th in math.

Pathetic? Yes, but hardly surprising. After all, what can you expect from a nation that is raising a generation of students who haven't a clue what science even is? And if that seems like a harsh indictment, consider that a majority of Americans don't even believe in evolution. Even our President has questioned evolution. Even worse, four of the Republican candidates for President have said they don't believe in it.

Some of these clowns say they just want to teach both arguments for the origin man. What the hell does that mean? As far as science goes, there simply is no debate about evolution. Zero. None. Nada. And to insist that there is some sort of disagreement is simply a sign of one's own ignorance. And I'm sorry, but simply pointing at the Bible doesn't qualify as science.

Yet there are substantial numbers of Americans out there who seriously believe that the Earth is only 6,000 years old. Never mind that everything we know about geology, biology, paleontology, continental drift, and the fossil record ALL indicate that the Earth is BILLIONS of years old. The fact that the Bible says otherwise proves that all that other stuff is simply wrong. Reason and thought are the playground of the devil. If you dare use your brain, you're going to hell.

Did you know there is a $50 million museum in Kentucky called the Creation Museum? And that they have exhibits showing humans sitting in saddles on dinosaurs? And that they maintain there were dinosaurs on Noah's ark? Not only do these people seriously believe in this crap, but they're teaching it to their children!

On the other hand, it would explain why we no longer have unicorns: They got eaten by velociraptors down in the hold of the ship.

Proponents of creationism/intelligent design simply dismiss all the preponderance of evidence that shows the last of the dinosaurs dying out 65 million years ago, as well as the equally convincing evidence that our earliest human ancestors didn't walk the Earth till two million years ago.

Now foreign students can do the math on that and come up with a difference of 63 million years. But American students? Well, forget it. Our kids ranked 23rd on those math tests. They can barely handle 2 plus two, much less 65 million minus 63 million. Besides, they're too busy trying to imagine how much fun their great-great-grandpappy must have had herding cattle on a T-Rex. Is it any wonder our kids fare so badly against foreign students?

The comedian Lewis Black jokes about the people who believe The Flintstones is a documentary. And if it was just a few oddballs, then yes, it would be pretty hilarious. But when it's a substantial percentage of your citizens, it stops being funny and just becomes downright sad.

Revelations

A massive ice storm has left several states seriously crippled. In Oklahoma alone, the state hardest hit by the wintry storm, over 600,000 were without electricity at one point. The weather has also claimed several lives. Meanwhile, much of the rest of the country remains absolutely stunned by this news.

Who knew Oklahoma even had 600,000 people!?!?!?!

Now That's What I Call Getting Even

What's Next? A Show Called 'Life In Uranus?'

Tonight marks the return of Life on Mars on BBC America. No, it's not science fiction, at least not in the traditional sense. In fact, it has NOTHING to do with our planetary neighbor.

Life on Mars is the story of Manchester police officer Sam Tyler. After being hit by a car in the present day, Sam wakes up in 1973. He eventually makes his way back to his squad room, where of course he doesn't know anyone. However, the people there were expecting a new transfer, so they accept him.

At the end of season one it still wasn't clear what was going on. Every now and then there are clues that the present day Sam is comatose and the 1973 thing is all taking place in his imagination. But most of the time, he's going about his business and slowly beginning to accept that 1973 is his new reality.

What makes the show work are the contrasts between 1973 and the present day. For example, Sam will be working on a case and he'll suggest taking DNA samples from a suspect. Of course, everyone else will look at him like he's out of his freakin' mind. On the other hand, his fellow 1973 officers don't think twice about beating the crap of a bad guy while Sam is absolutely horrified at such behavior. But beyond the differences in policing techniques, there are a lot of pop culture contrasts as well.

Then there's the female cop, Annie, who is not accustomed to the way Sam treats her: He actually respects her opinions! Such a thing was unheard of 34 years ago. There have also been hints that Sam may be falling for her, which could, of course, get complicated if it turns out he really is in a coma.

Only a total of 16 episodes were made, and supposedly all our questions will be answered when all is said and done. The show has already wrapped up its run in England, so no spoilers from overseas readers, please. That means you, Gordon.

Oh, and the significance of the title Life on Mars? That's the David Bowie song that was playing on Sam's iPod when he got hit by the car.

Word is that an Americanized version of the series is in the works. Rest assured we'll fuck it up.

Virtual Tree Hugging

People sometimes say to me, "Hey, Lugosi, or whatever your name is, do you put up a Christmas tree?" And I'll say, "But of course." Then they'll say, "Is it a real tree, or one of those realistic plastic ones?" And I'll say, "Neither. It's a GIF." And then they'll say, "Have you ever wondered if it's normal to have imaginary conversations with yourself?"

Now some people may argue that it's a little weird to put a Christmas tree on a website, but I disagree. In fact, I'll go as far as to say that it makes much more sense than one in the living room.

First of all, a GIF tree never has to be watered, it won't lose its needles, and it's not a fire hazard.

You don't have to worry about what kind of replacement bulbs to buy.

Nor do you have to worry about the cat f*cking with it.... Well, unless the cat gets a hold of your computer password.

And have you thought about how many hours you invest in putting up a tree in your house? At least an hour or two going to the Christmas tree lot, trying to decide between the blue spruce and the white pine, tying it to the top of the car, losing it on the highway on the way home, watching in you mirror as several cars pile into one another after trying to dodge the tree, praying no one caught your license plate number, going to a different lot to buy another tree, schlepping it home.

Then you take at least another hour arguing with your wife about whether the tree is lopsided and which side is fuller. Then you have to decorate the stupid thing with strings of lights and various other ornaments. And that assumes you don't have to take another two hours untangling the strings of lights, only to get frustrated and drive down to the drug store to buy a whole new set of lights.

Finally, there's the four hours you have to spend in the emergency room after you fall off the ladder while trying to pound the stupid freakin' angel onto the top of tree.

And after all that work, how many people are actually going to see the stupid thing? A couple of dozen, if that many? After all, it's hidden inside your house!

But with a GIF tree, you click the mouse a couple of times and that's it, you're done! Thank you very much and please pass the eggnog!

Most importantly, MY tree is out there for the ENTIRE world to see!! And I named it Mohammad, just to piss off the Muslims!

I just hope it doesn't get me kicked off the Atheist Blogroll.

Christmas In Fallujah

Billy Joel has come out with a new song called "Christmas in Fallujah." Concerned that his voice is getting old and consequently wouldn't do the song justice, Joel enlisted an unknown singer named Cass Dillon to perform it. The song is quite powerful, and there is no doubt that many people will take offense to its heavy political overtones. It should also be noted, however, that the proceeds are being donated to a charity that benefits severely wounded soldiers.

For now the song is only available on iTunes. Here's the video:

Going For That Retro Look

"A Date Which Will Live In Infamy"

Today marks the 66th anniversary of the surprise Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. In one bold move, Japan succeeded in all but eliminating the United States' Pacific fleet. The next day President Franklin Roosevelt delivered his famous 'infamy' speech. Through the sheer force of his personality, FDR quickly rallied a shaken nation. The rest is history.

On the other hand, if George W. Bush had been President in 1941, he would have responded to Pearl Harbor by pronouncing the word as 'infimious' and attacking Finland.

Revisionist History

So who rushed us into the Iraq war? Well, if you ask Karl "Jaba the Hut" Rove, it was.... Congress!?!?!?!

In a recent speech, the former presidential adviser said that the Bush administration was opposed to a congressional vote on deposing Saddam prior to the 2002 elections because they didn't want to "politicize" the debate.

The record shows, however, that it was the Democrats who wanted to delay the vote until AFTER the United Nations Security Council acted on the matter. Asked about that very topic on Sept. 13 of 2002, President Bush himself who was pushing for an early vote from Congress:

"If I were running for office, I'm not sure how I'd explain to the American people -- say, 'Vote for me, and, oh, by the way, on a matter of national security, I think I'm going to wait for somebody else to act.'"

In other words, Bush was saying to hell with what the United Nations says.

Another laughable assertion by Rove is that the reason Bush didn't want to be rushed into the war was that the administration wanted more time to line up allies.

Huh? I still remember all the shit conservatives were giving France when they refuse to participate in an invasion of Iraq. There was even a push among some Republican members of Congress to change the name of french fries to "freedom fries."

It was Bush who famously said to France and other countries that were opposing the invasion that we would "go it alone" if we had to. And it was Bush who told Hans Blix and the United Nations weapons inspectors to get out of Iraq three days before the launch of the invasion.

Creationism Explained

Reality Sucks

Sci Fi Channel has begun production on a new reality show called "Run for Money." Contestants will be "hunted" for 60 minutes, and the longer they avoid being caught, the more money they win. They will be able to quit at any point during the hour and keep their accumulated earnings. However, if they're caught, they lose all their winnings.

Sounds like someone wimped out with the idea for this show. If they want to make it REALLY interesting, give the hunters real guns with live ammo.

Driving 101

The DC area is having its first snowfall of the season today. While it's not expected to amount to more than a couple of inches, the timing couldn't have been worse. It started a little after 6:00 AM, by which time the rush hour was gearing up. And thanks to the traffic volume, the snowplows weren't able to spread the necessary salt and the roads quickly glazed over.

One of my favorite pastimes on days like this is looking at all the SUV drivers who end up in ditches, or the woods, or even on top of guardrails.

This isn't all that surprising. People with four wheel drive type vehicles get cocky on days like this. They feel superior to those of us driving "normal" cars. This is true to an extent; with a 4WD you're less likely to have trouble starting up at traffic lights or navigating hills.

But that initial success also gives you a false sense of invincibility, kind of like President Bush after what looked like a quick "victory" in Afghanistan. The next thing you know, you begin to push things a little too far. That's when you find yourself invading Iraq without enough troops to properly secure the place. But you're committed, and you're going too fast to stop in time.

The next thing you know, you're in serious trouble. It turns out your car only has 4 wheel stop like everyone else's. But because you've built up all this momentum, it's too late to change course. You spin wildly out of control, all the while telling your screaming passengers that you have the situation well in hand.

And that's how your presidency ends up upside down in the median strip of history, with your wheels spinning helplessly in the air.

Crying Wolf.... Again.

For much of the past year the Bush administration has been warning anyone stupid enough to listen about what a threat Iran's nuclear was to world peace. Dick Cheney has been especially ominous in his mutterings, and President Bush himself warned that Iran's nuke program would lead to World War III. All the rhetoric was especially frightening since it seemed to parallel the lead-up to the Iraq war.... And I think we all know how wonderfully that one turned out.

Now comes a brand new intelligence report that says Iran abandoned its nuclear program in 2003. And here's the clincher: President Bush already knew about the report when he issued his WWIII warning!

What is with this guy? Did he learn nothing from his rush to invade Iraq? Did he think the facts about Iran wouldn't eventually come out? More importantly, why were so many people gullible enough to believe Bush's pronouncements about Iran? Have they already forgotten that this administration's lies directly led to the deaths of tens of thousands of people and completely destroyed the international standing of the United States, or do they simply not give a crap?

It's a sad state of affairs when the Dixie Chicks have more credibility than the President of the United States.

Putting Ourselves In Perspective

Why Not Require A Blood Oath?

Unlike some states, Virginia doesn't require party registration to vote in primary elections. That means that Democrats can cross party lines and vote for Republicans, and vice versa.

Apparently alarmed by the state's steady drift towards the dark side (Virginia has had two democratic governors in a row; Democrat James Webb beat out George "Macaca for Brains" Allen for the United States Senate last year; and the state senate was taken over by godless democrats last month), Virginia Republican leaders had the bright idea to require voters to sign a "loyalty pledge" in the February Republican primary. Under it's terms, voters would have agreed to support the Republican presidential nominee in November, regardless of which complete idiot it may turn out to be.

Aside from being completely meaningless and unenforceable, it was pretty damn insulting.

After hearing the public outcry that ensued, party leaders have backtracked and dropped the loyalty pledge. The main concern, of course, was that it would only serve to piss people off and drive even more voters over to the Democrats.

A proposal for Republicans to further demonstrate party loyalty by publicly sacrificing their first born child was also dropped.

While amusing, this might have been more believable if he were texting someone instead of just talking on the phone.