Saturday, May 31, 2003

Is The Main Character Named Scarlett?

Former New York Times star reporter Jayson "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire" Blair, disgraced after admitting to plagiarism, has announced he is working on his first novel. It will be an original epic love story beginning in the antebellum south and stretching through the Civil War. The book is tentatively titled Gone With the Wind.

Thursday, May 29, 2003


Affirmative action programs have been under fire lately. Most recently, some have questioned their role in the Jayson Blair case at the NY Times. Prior to that, the University of Michigan's Affirmative Action policies ended up before the Supreme Court. Whatever their merits, there is one area where such policies have definitely made a difference.

For decades, the exciting field of serial killing has been dominated by white males with above average intelligence. Narrow minded police profilers, still caught in the tentacles of discrimination & prejudice, continue even today to stubbornly cling to the old ways.

But with multiple murder charges against Derrick Todd Lee in a recent string of killings in Louisiana, as well as the arrests of alleged snipers John Lee Malvo and John Mohammed last October, we as a nation have entered a new era of equal opportunity. All three of these suspects are black males who, quite frankly, aren't all that bright. Yet they still managed to rack up impressive bodycounts while the police remained focused on white males.

America should be proud of its progress.

Climb Every Mountain

It was on this date in 1953 that Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay celebrated Bob Hope's fiftieth birthday by climbing Mount Everest.

On a related matter: the world's highest mountain rises 29,035 feet (Under the metric system that converts to, um, a whole big bunch of meters) above sea level. If global warming progresses as projected, and ocean levels continue to rise, does that mean that Mount Everest will get shorter?

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Lathering Up

More rain. This makes 24 out of 28 days this month that we've had measurable rainfall, according to the People Who Keep Track of This Stuff. We're almost seven inches over normal for the year. Rather than letting all the free water go to waste, I've decided to take advantage of the constant wet weather by showering outside. It's a bit chilly, but quite invigorating.

My neighbors, however, are less than enthused at my conservation efforts.

Monday, May 26, 2003

Jack-o Is Broke-o

Word is that Michael Jackson, who was once one of the richest people in music, is now on the verge of bankruptcy.

Guess all those out-of-court settlements for child molestation really start to add up after a while.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

Well, At Least That's Original

In response to the recent Jayson Blair scandal, as well as newly uncovered plagiarism by columnist Rick Bragg, the New York Times has announced it is changing its motto to "All the news that's fit to print, plus some other stuff we just made up for the hell of it."

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Crisis Averted

Annika Sorenstam failed to make the cut at the Colonial, so she is now out of the competition. After breathing a colossal sigh of relief, the PGA lowered its threat level from Code Red to Code Green.

With their manhoods once again secure, male golfers everywhere congratulated one another and took a big swig of testosterone. Then they let out a big ol' belch and scratched their nuts.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Nice Dress, Mister

One of the big sports stories this week has been Annika Sorenstam's decision to play in the Colonial golf tournament in Texas. This is the first time since 1945 that a woman has entered a men's PGA event. Needless to say, there has been a bit of an uproar over this. Golfers Nick Price and Vijay Singh have been especially vocal in their criticism, with Singh going as far as to withdraw from the contest. This opposition is certainly understandable and, I might add, quite justified.

Sorenstam's decision is a complete outrage and a total insult to the world of sports! How dare she do this?!?! It is nothing but a self-serving attempt on her part to garner some extra publicity.

Besides, no guy wants to risk losing to a GIRL!!!!

Big And Bigger

There has been some debate today over which of the American Idol contestants will be a bigger star: Runner up Clay Aikens, or Ruben Studdard, the actual winner. Some supporters of Clay predict he will be bigger than Ruben or even last year's winner, Kelly Clarkson. While I have no particular opinion on this matter and will remain completely neutral, I will say that these morons are total idiots devoid of even the most basic functional intelligence! They're every bit as bad as the Al Gore people who still maintain to this day that Bush lost the election!
Get real, people!! Ruben is already bigger than both Clay AND Kelly combined! Hell, he's even than any FOUR average humans put together!!

It's time to put these bitterly divisive elections behind us, accept the results, and get on with our lives.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

On The Edge Of Armageddon

Tonight TV viewers will decide the next American Idol winner. Regardless of whether it's Clay Aikens or Ruben Studdard who comes out on top, fans of the loser are expected to take to the streets tonight to vent their anger. At the same time, fans of the winner will be out celebrating by setting fires, overturning police cars, smashing store windows, and looting. Should the two camps come into direct contact with one another, violence and mayhem are certain to result. The worst fear among security experts and entertainment industry officials is that one side or the other will come into possession of a nuclear warhead. An even worse scenario, say military officials, is that Simon may decide to turn on the charm and try to broker a peace deal.

In response to the rising tension, the Office of Homeland Security has raised the terror alert level to Code Orange.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

I'll Drink To That

In a a major medical breakthrough, Russian researchers have announced that vodka cures SARS. Of course, most Russians also believe that vodka cures cancer, broken bones, unemployment, broken down cars, being stuck with an ugly wife, and the realization your country no longer matters.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

Horsing Around

Congratulations are in order to Funny Cide and his jockey, Jose Santos. Over the course of the last two weeks, Santos had been accused of using some sort of handheld electrical device to illegally spur his mount on to victory in the Kentucky Derby. Then, only a few days ago, he was finally cleared of the charges. Now, after their runaway victory in yesterday's Preakness, the pair stands one victory away from winning horse racing's first Triple Crown in 25 years.

Careful analysis of the photos showed there was absolutely nothing suspicious about the really long extension cord sticking out of Funny Cide's butt.

Saturday, May 17, 2003

The Cat's Meow

Recent studies show that catnip makes an excellent mosquito repellent. Test subjects who rubbed the plant's leaves on exposed skin surfaces received zero bites from the bloodsucking insects. Using catnip is also safer for the environment.

There were some unfortunate side effects, however. Nearly 30% of test subjects reported either excessive bleeding or horrible scarring after being attacked by roving packs of excited felines.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

I Got Your Quorom Right Here, Pal

There is a wonderful, shining example of American democracy in action, almost inspiring as the Florida fiasco of 2000, coming out of Texas. Republican state legislators are seeking to redraw congrssional districts in their favor, and they have the simple majority to do it. However, a two thirds majority is needed for a quorum. So 50 Democratic representatives, without whom the legislature can not legally pass ANY laws, have gone across the border to Oklahoma. By doing so, they are out of reach of the Texas Rangers, who have been ordered to arrest the AWOL Democrats and bring them to the state Capitol in Austin.

Potential leaders of a democratic Iraq are carefully taking notes.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Canada is seriously considering decriminalizing the possession of small amounts of pot. In response to this latest international crisis, the Bush Administration has added our northern neighbor to the Axis of Reefers.

Meanwhile, the Pentagon has ordered the USS Abraham Lincoln battle group to take up position in Lake Superior.

Monday, May 12, 2003

Practice Makes Imperfect

In another attempt to scare the living crap out of the American people, authorities are staging mock terror attacks in Seattle (a dirty bomb explosion) and Chicago (bioterror). The problem is that this whole drill, designed to test the readiness of authorities, is well scripted, and everyone knows their little role in the play.

Unfortunately, if there is ever another massive terror attack on America, it is doubtful that the perpetrators will provide us with an advance copy of their plans.

False Alarm

For the last several days meteorologists had been warning us how rough the weather would be on Sunday afternoon. Severe thunderstorms, they screamed. Large, damaging hail, they cried. Tornadoes, they shouted. Large locusts carrying off our children, they wailed. Killer asteroids wiping out all life on Earth, they yelled. Stock up on bodybags now, they urged.

By Sunday morning they were foaming at their mouths as each tried to paint a more terrifying forecast than the other. The consensus was that a strong cold front and high humidity would trigger severe weather with F7 tornadoes scouring the landscape clean of all signs of civilization. Doom was imminent. Forget al Qaeda, it's Mother Nature that's about to kill us all.

So what happened? Nothing. Not a drop of rain, not a bolt of lightning, and not a gust of wind.

So did the weather forecasters apologize for spreading doom & gloom? No, of course not! Instead they came out with some scientific sounding excuse about "a cap of warm air aloft" that kept the atmosphere stable as the cold front came through.

Friday, May 09, 2003

Crash Cart Alert

Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he's "serious as three heart attacks" about running for reelection with George Bush. Scary thing is, he meant that literally.

Cheney did have more to say, but the remainder of his speech was drowned out by the incessant beeping of his defibrillator.

Thursday, May 08, 2003

Bravo And Pass The Nyquil

Broadway producers, always desperate for a fresh new hit, have announced plans for a new musical about the SARS epidemic. It is tentatively titled "The Sound of Mucus."

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

The First Cut Is The Deepest

Michael Jordan has been let go by the Washington Wizards after a three year association with the team. During his stay, which included two seasons of actual playing time, the Wizards failed to make the playoffs even once. A team source says the decision was made because of poor end results and widespread player dissension among the rest of the team. Jordan had made several scathing remarks about the other players during the past several months. He is getting a $10 million for being released early from his contract.

For his part, His Airness is expressing shock and outrage at the team's decision, saying he does not deserve such treatment.

Whatever. But if someone handed me $10 million bucks for getting fired, I'd shut my yap and head straight for the bank.


It's always embarrassing when a member of the extreme Christian right gets caught sinning. The latest of the holier than the rest of us to fall is Bob Bennett, who recently authored The Book of Virtues. To his credit, the book does not specifically condemn gambling, which is good, because Bennett just admitted that he has lost some $8 million over the last decade playing the slots. However, many of his fervent followers do view gambling as the devil's handiwork. Ironically, those are the very same people who attend Bennett's $50,000 speeches decrying the cultural decline of America, and made possible his addiction to games of chance.

No doubt they will also be the first to forgive him for being a two-faced weasel.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Accidentally went to a Chinese website this morning. Now I'm afraid I may have caught SARS

Monday, May 05, 2003

Shake It, Baby

A small earthquake registering 3.9 on the Richter Scale hit central Virginia earlier today. It was marked by no collapsing buildings, no exploding gas pipelines, no bursting water mains, and no thousands of panic stricken people screaming & running through the streets.
Quite frankly, I'm disappointed.

Sunday, May 04, 2003

Space... The Lost Frontier

It seems the Soyuz capsule that returned the previous space station astronauts landed some 300 miles from its intended target. That really shouldn't surprise anyone, however. It was an all male crew, and no one was willing to stop to ask for directions.

Saturday, May 03, 2003


On April 30, I wrote about the confusion created when different McDonalds are inconsistent in their interpretations of exactly what constitutes a "medium cup of coffee."

Someone named Gordon, evidently of the UK, took issue with my entry, writing: "Haven't you got anything more important to moan about? For God's sake, the size of a cup of coffee in McDonalds!" Well, no, as a matter of fact, I don't.

While it's true that there are any number of issues that may seem more important, the fact is that they must be put on hold until the coffee matter is resolved. I can not possibly be expected to solve petty little problems like continued unrest in the mideast, global warming, a collapsing world economy, killer asteroids, the extinction of entire species, the destruction of rainforests, discovering a non-polluting renewable energy source, perfecting faster than light interstellar travel, and finding a cure for SARS without first having had a proper cup of joe. After all, life is all about priorities.

By the same token, we wouldn't expect you Brits to fight the Germans and repel the Spanish Armada (simultaneously, of course) without first having yourselves a spot of tea....

Friday, May 02, 2003

Mission: Accomplished

Standing on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, President Bush last night declared an end to major combat operations in Iraq. He then went on to say that the removal of Saddam Hussein was but one small victory in the much larger War on Terror. Bush was confident, however, that we would ultimately prevail because "our God can beat up their god."

In what may have been a not-so-subtle message to the rest of the world, Bush personally flew the S-38 Viking aircraft for several minutes while enroute to the carrier, and bombed a series of targets marked Syria, Iran, and North Korea. The practice run went reasonably well, except that the target named North Korea did manage to completely destroy a fourth, smaller target labelled Seoul before going up in flames itself.

Spam Me, Baby

The Federal Trade Commision is continuing to look at ways to bring spam--which now accounts for 45% of ALL email traffic--under control. AOL, Earthlink, and MicroSoft are also working on ways to deal with the problem.

Eileen Harrington of the FTC viows to make this a priority issue for the agency. She promises to send out email updates to every man , woman, and child at least three times a week, whether they want to receive them or not.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

DC has announced a major crackdown on unauthorized sidewalk cafes. Well, it's about time!! It's good to see that the police will finally be tackling a long neglected law enforcement issue, rather than wasting their time on trivial matters like chasing rapists, solving murders, and catching car thieves.