Mirth, Musings, & More: 1994

Tuesday, November 01, 1994

Sprint USA launches its new high fiber optic network. The revolutionary technology will provide clearer communication and improved regularity.

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November 3
A startling new book in England details george Burns' ongoing affair with the Queen Mother.

November 5
In a stunning upset that turns the boxing world on its ear, 45 year old George Foreman scores a tenth round knockout against heavily favored Shannen Doherty.

November 6
During an appearance at a suburban Chicago shopping mall, Barney the Dinosaur suddenly realizes his true calling and begins screaming "I'm a Velociraptor! I'm a Velociraptor!"
Terrified three and four year olds run for their lives.

November 8
Election day '94 finally arrives. Marion Barry returns to power in DC; Ollie North loses in Virginia; Republicans win control of both houses of Congress; and the nation breathes a sigh of relief as the news media is once again free to devote its full time and attention to O.J.'s bloody socks.

November 9
Jubilant Republicans in F-15 fighters stafe Democrats attempting to flee Washington.

November 11
Incoming Senate Majority leader Robert Dole offers to sit down with President clinton and "smoke a peace pipe." An exited Marion Barry offers not only to join them, but to bring "some really good shit."

November 12
Mister Rogers attempts to negotiate with the rampaging Barney.
He is immediately eaten.

November 14

November 15
A genetic engineering experiment goes hideously wrong, creating a tomato that produces more milk.

November 18
Cab Calloway will hi de hi no mo.

November 19
In England, a new book reveals that Fergie once carried on a longstanding affair with a space alien.

November 20
David Crosby gets his order of liver.

November 21
Jerry Seinfeld and Shoshonna Lonstein end their 18 month old romance. A spokesperson for the former couple blames the breakup on stress caused by Lonstein's upcoming graduation from junior High.

November 22
Tired of reptile jokes about his name, incoming Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich decides to soften his image by changing it to "Flesh Eating Bacteria Gingich."

November 24
Terrified inmates at the LA County jail riot when O.J. is allowed to carve the turkey.

November 25 FBI agents corner Barney. During the attempt to capture the purple carnivore, they accidentally burn him down.

November 26
The first major winter storm of the season hits the west and midwest, and cold weather grips much of the rest of the nation.
Meanwhile, in Arkansas, Paula Jones files a sexual harassment suit against Jack Frost for nipping at her nose.

November 27
Pope John Paul inducts 30 new members into the College of Cardinals. It is unclear whether they will be assigned to dormitories or off campus housing.

November 28
Inmates at a Wisconsin prison give Jeffrey Dahmer his just deserts.

November 30
The US Postal Service announces plans to raise the price of a first class stamp to 32 cents in January. The increase is made necessary by the increased cost of storing trailer loads of lost letters at random sites around the country.

Monday, October 24, 1994

The National Hockey League, instead of beginning its season, lands itself in the penalty box with a players' strike.
And in a surprise move, Whoopi Godberg weds David Duke.

October 2
Baseball's regular season ends. Well, theoretically, of course, since they're still on strike.

October 3
Harriet Nelson reunites with Ozzie.

October 4
Juraissec Park comes stomping into video stores nationwide. Barney the Dinosaur, hoping to find his true self, buys a copy for himself.

October 7
Scandal again rocks the House of Windsor as a new book chronicles Lady Di's three year affair with her riding instructor.

October 9
The Burt Reynolds-Loni Anderson divorce erupts into a a fierce custody battle over a Pepe LePew cell.

October 11

October 13
NASA is forced to cancel the Magellan spacecraft's planned descent into the atmosphere of Venus when the EPA demands an environmental impact statement.

October 15
Having successfully mastered the "duck and cover" manuever, Haitian President Jean-Luc Aristide returns to power.

October 17
Jury selection is briefly interrupted when O.J. climbs onto the defense table and begins singing the song "Memories" from Cats.

October 18
All of Britain is in an uproar when a new biography of Prince Charles reveals that he carried on a longstanding affair with his polo pony.

October 20
Pope John Paul II's book Crossing the Threshold of Hope is published in hardcover. The papalback edition is expected out early next year.

October 22
Princess Di visits Washington. President Clinton, accompanied by two Arkansas state troopers, offers to meet her in a hotel room.

October 23
Roseanne is among the participants in this year's Marine Corps Marathon. Several bridges along the route suffer structural damage.

October 24
Final credits roll for Raul Julia.

October 25
After viewing Juraissic Park 47 times, Barney the Dinosaur goes into seclusion to sort out his fellings.

October 26
President Clinton, hoping to dispel rumors that he's ignorant of foreign affairs, travels to the mideast to witness the signing of a historic peace treaty between Israel and Jordan. "maybe I can get Michael's autograph," says the President.

October 29
Tourists outside the White House tackle and subdue a man shooting at the Presidential Mansion. Secret service agents, alerted by news reports on CNN, quickly rush outside to make the arrest.

Thursday, September 01, 1994

A federal judge in New York rules that the city can not prohibit women from going topless on subway trains. Senators Kennedy and Packwood catch the next shuttle to La Guardia.

September 4
Norv Turner's Redskins make their regular season debut in Washington. Several hundred spectators are rushed to area hospitals after being overcome by the resulting stench.

September 5
The annual Jerry Lewis Telethon raises over $47 million for the Clinton Defense Fund.

September 8
Michael Jackson kisses Lisa Marie on the nationally televised MTV Music Awards show.

Millions of viewers recoil from their TV's in horror.

September 9
John Wayne Bobbitt begins filming an X-rated film. Delays quickly result since Bobbitt has a tendancy to pass out whenever the director yells "CUT!"

September 10
TRUE--Concerned about falling birthrates in Russia, Parliament member Vladimer Zhirnovsky announces plans to father a child in each region of the country.

September 11
Jessica Tandy is driven for the last time.

September 12
A plane crashes on the White House Lawn. After conducting a quick inventory, USAir proudly announces that it's not one of their's.

September 15
President Clinton goes on National TV to convince reluctant Americans that an invasion of Haiti is necessary. He pledges to do it quickly so as not to conflict with coverage of the upcoming O.J. trial.

September 17
Heather Whitestone of Alabama is crowned Miss America, the first deaf woman to win the honor. Though many of the contestants talked about her behind her back, she didn't seem to notice.

September 19
Former President Jimmy Carter meets with Haitian dictator Raoul Cedras in a last ditch effort to mediate the conflict. Cedras surrenders power when someone reminds him what happened to North Korean strongman Kim Il Jong shortly after HE met with Carter.

September 21
Michael Jackson gets off when the LA District Attorney's office decides not to press child molestation charges.

The singer gets off a second time when Lisa Marie takes him out to a Chuck E Cheese to celebrate.

September 23
The Clinton healthcare bill is found dead on the steps of the US Capitol. Bob Dole is seen fleeing the area in a bloodstained white Ford Bronco.

September 24

September 25
Concerned about his falling popularity in the the polls, Bill Clinton announces plans to father a child in each state. Critics point out he's pretty much already tried that.

September 27
Jury selection in the O.J. trial begins. In an effort to find 12 unbiased individuals who have not suffered overexposure to media coverage, NASA begins shuttling Martians to Judge Lance Ito's courtroom.

September 28
Boris Yeltsin visits the US. He meets with President Clinton to discuss world hunger, negotiate the finer points of nuclear disarmament, and offer his own theories on the O.J. case.

September 29
The bloody remains of Disney's plans to build a new theme park adjacent to the Bull Run National Battlefield in Virginia are discovered in a field near the site. Several Civil War are seen fleeing the area on white broncos.

Monday, August 01, 1994

The Rolling Stones open their latest farewill tour at DC's RFK Stadium. The concert is briefly disrupted when Charlie Watts and his walker tumble into the front row.

August 2
Finally putting rumors to rest, Lisa Marie Presley confirms that she and Michael Jackson were secretly married on May 25. She says they look forward to building a large family since "Michael really seems to like kids."

August 3
In a rare triple header, Arkansas carries out three executions in one night, putting a severe strain on the state's power grid.

Despite last minute appeals from President Clinton, prison officials decline to add Paula Jones to the lineup.

August 4
The nation's political landscape is thrown into total disarray when Howard Stern withdraws from the New York gubernatorial race.

August 8
Tonya Harding is upset when Penthouse publishes several nude photographs of her. She whacks Bob Guccionne on the knee.

August 11
O.J. Simpson undergoes surgery at an LA hospital. While strapped to his gurney, the former football star turned enraged homicidal maniac leads police on a wild low speed chase through the hospital's corridors.

August 12
Baseball strikes out.

August 13
In a surprising turn of events, France actually shows some backbone when its agents arrest notorious terrorist Carlos the Jackal. He had been living in the Middle East under the assumed name of Carlos the Flesh Eating Bacteria.

August 14
In a beautiful performance the Three Tenors upstage the band Nine Inch Nails at Woodstock '94. Unfortunately, several spectators are killed when Pavarotti dives into the mosh pit.

August 15
The National Enquirer reports that Elvis, having heard who his daughter married, has finally died.

August 17
The Capital Beltway turns 30. A planned birthday bash is is canceled when the guests get hung up in traffic.

August 19
The Clinton administration, in an effort to prove ti means business in Haiti, threatens to revoke the ruling military junta's Price Club membership.

August 21
The British royal family is again rocked by scandal as Di is accused of repeatedly calling an acquaintance and asking if he has Prince Albert in a can.

August 22
In Honolulu an elephant goes berserk at a circus and kills two trainers. A spokesman explains that Roseanne was still upset over her breakup with Tom Arnold.

August 23
In LA Todd Lawrence is convicted of stalking Madonna and repeatedly peeking through her windows in an attempt to catch a rare glimpse of the star fully clothed.

August 24

August 25
A group of kids in Belle Glade, Florida discover mercury in an abandoned van. By the time they're done playing with it, several hundred people and the entire neighborhood must undergo decontamination procedures.
Meanwhile, astronomers are at a loss to explain how the planet ended up in the back of a van to begin with.

August 27
DNA test results on the glove found at O.J.'s house indicate that it's the one Michael Jackson lost several years ago.

August 28
In Brownsville, Texas a man mowing his lawn accidentally hits a nest and is swarmed by thousands of Africanized killer flesh eating bacteria.

August 29
The Wonderbra makes its US debut. Madonna begins hording them.

August 31
A judge in LA sentences Todd Lawrence to stalk Roseanne.

Friday, July 01, 1994

In a stunning come-from-behind upset victory, Val Kilmer is elected to replace Michael Keaton in the next Batman movie.

Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot comes in third.

July 3
Former President Jimmy Carter meets with North Korean leader Kim Il Jung in an effort to diffuse the ongoing nuclear crisis.

July 4
DNA testing provides conclusive evidence that George Washington is NOT the father of our country.

Betsy Ross drops her paternity suit.

July 5
Preliminary hearings on the O.J. Simpson case begin. Today's star witness is Kato Kaelin, with testimony from the Green Hornet expected tomorrow.

July 8
Kim Il Jung dies unexpectedly. North Korean authorities seek Jimmy Carter for questioning after he is spotted driving a slow moving bloodstained Ford Bronco toward the demilitarized zone.

July 9
O.J. Simpson turns 47. Surprisingly, no one will give him a knife to cut the cake.

July 10

July 11
A study concludes that Washington, DC has the worst postal service in the nation. The 1989 report would have been released sooner, except that it got lost in the mail.

July 14
Don King is indicted on charges of insurance fraud, which causes his hair to fall down.

July 16
Jose Carreras, Placido Domingo, and Luciano Pavarotti--billed as The Three Tenors--perform at Dodger Stadium. However, this show is merely a warm-up for their expected appearance at next month's Woodstock '94.

Also today, chunks from the comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 begin colliding with Jupiter. Startled astronomers discover several tractor trailer loads of undelivered mail beneath the planet's murky atmosphere.

July 18
The Clinton administration, in a sign that its patience with Haiti is wearing thin, threatens to shut off the military jenta's HBO service.

July 20
It's the 20th anniversary of the first moonwalk. Michael Jackson, busy with a slumber party involving a dozen 12 year old boys, which is perfectly normal behavior for an adult, is unable to participate in ceremonies marking the event.

July 22
Providing further evidence that Hollywood has run out of original ideas, a new Lassie movie hits the theaters. This time American's favorite collie faces a moral dilemma: Save Timmy from drowning in that damn pond yet again, or disarm a nuclear warhead threatening New York.

July 25
A new study released by the Surgeon General reveals that smoking is the nation's leading cause of statistics.

July 26
Mick Jagger turns 51. Though he still can't get no stinkin' satisfaction, time is on his side, yes it is.

July 27
The health care debate turns nasty when, during a debate in the Senate, Hillary Clinton whacks Bob Dole on the knee with a gavel.

July 30
Michael Jordan stuns the sports world when he hits his very first home run. He ends up dunking home plate.

July 31
Astronomers announce that several comet chunks are on a collision course with Pluto. In response to the threat, Disney World is evacuated.

Wednesday, June 01, 1994

Hunters armed with shotguns and barometers descend on southern Florida as the 1994 hurricane season officially opens.

June 3
President Clinton travels to Europe. In an emotional speech to veterans of the Anzio campaign which liberated Rome, Clinton declares that had he been around during WWII, he would have been proud to study at Oxford in order to avoid the draft.

June 4
Virginia Republicans meet in Richmond and select Ollie North to run for the US Senate. Allegations soon surface that North was trading arms for delegates at the convention.

June 6
Ceremonies along the Normandy coast commemorate the 50th anniversary of D-Day. The event is marked by an influx of foreign dignitaries, skydiving veterans, warships off the beaches, Air Force flyovers, and military reenactments. The massive show of force leads to the immediate and unconditional surrender of France.

June 7

June 8
One of Bob Barker's models from The Price Is Right accuses the gameshow host of inappropriately exposing what's behind the barn door.

June 9
Pierce Brosnan is elected the new 007. Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot finishes third.

June 10
Acting on a tip as to his ex-wife's Roseanne's whereabouts, a lovesick Tom Arnold travels to a small island off the coast of Italy in an attempt to reconcile with her. He sneaks into her bungalow and spends the night making wild, passionate love.

June 11
Tom Arnold awakens to find, in bed next to him, Evelyn Geffers' tumor.

June 12
O.J. Simpson auditions to replace Lorena Bobbitt as the spokesperson for Ginsu knives.

June 14
Henry Mancini begins decomposing.

June 17
Hearing that the '95 Fords are out early this year, O.J. Simpson decides to test drive the new Bronco. Though limited by a top speed of only 35 mph, Simpson still manages to outrun 10 helicopters and half the LA County Police Department.

June 18
A flesh eating bacteria terrorizes beaches up and down the east coast.

June 19

June 20
The National Geograpic society releases a topographical map of Secretary of State Warren Christopher's face.

June 21
The United Auto Workers launch a nationwide strike against Caterpillar Inc. Unless resolved quickly, it is expected to lead to a severe shortage of cocoons.

June 22
Eight months of NBA playoffs finally conclude as the Houston Rockets defeat the NY Knicks to capture the championship.

Regular season play for the following season begins next week.

June 23
John Wayne Bobbitt's car is cut off in traffic. Surgeons struggle for nine hours to reattach his Honda.

June 25
John Wayne Bobbitt's car is cut off in traffic. Surgeons struggle for nine hours to reattach his Honda.

June 26

June 27
Fishermaen in Amity, Mass., capture a ten foot great white flesh eating bacteria. While relieved beachgoers flock back into the water, Richard Dreyfuss warns Roy Scheider that they caught the wrong germ.

June 28
Rumors begin to surface that Michael Jackson wed Roseanne in a secret ceremony last month.

June 30
In an interview on British TV, Prince Charles confesses that he had an affair with Evelyn Geffers' tumor.

Sunday, May 01, 1994

Historic elections conclude in South Africa. Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot loses to Nelson Mandela.

May 3
Two former Arkansas state troopers claim they were ordered to furnish boxer shorts to then Governor Clinton.

The White House denies the allegations.

May 5
Michael Fayes's sentence is carried out in Singapore. Surgeons struggle for nine hours to reattach his severed buttocks.

May 6
The "Chunnel," connecting England and France, officially opens. Stunned by this sudden, unexpected development, the French government issues an immediate and unconditional surrender.

And in Las Vegas, John Bobbitt is arrested following a domestic dispute with his girlfriend. A strip search reveals that all his parts are present.

May 7

May 8
George Peppard goes on his last A-Team mission.

May 9
Former Vice President Dan Quayle's book Standing Firm is published. It proves to be a political hot potatoe.

May 10
A devastating solar eclipse sweeps across much of the nation, uprooting trees and destroying mobile home parks not properly protected by #14 smoked welders glass.

May 13
Mattel's test marketing program of the Nancy Kerrigan doll proves to be a dismal failure. It seems that small children were terrified of its large teeth.

May 15
Researchers announce a link between smoking and colorectal cancer. In response, the Surgeon General recommends that cigarettes only be smoked orally.

May 17
In a bold move signaling a new no-nonsense attitude in American foreign policy, the Clinton administration threatens Haiti's ruling military junta with litigation.

May 19
After eight seasons, LA Law slams its trunk lid for the last time.

Jackie Onassis. gets back together with her first husband.

May 21
Marion Barry announces his candidacy for DC mayor, saying he deserves another "crack" at the job.

May 23

May 25
TRUE--Evelyn Geffers of San Angelo, Texas, had long been terrified of hospitals. Consequently, she kept delaying the removal of a benign ovarian tumor. When it was finally removed today, the 15 year old growth weighed 156 pounds.

May 26
Lisa Marie Presley marries Michael Jackson.

In an apparently unrelated story, guards at Elvis' Graceland grave at report strange sounds from underground, best described as "someone rolling over."

May 27
After five seasons together, Arsenio Hall and the posse ride off into the sunset.

May 29
The 78th running of the Indianapolis 500 is marred by a sex scandal after several drivers are arrested for blowing their engines.

May 30
Evelyn Geffers' tumor appears on Geraldo.

May 31
Congressman Dan Rostenkowski is indicted on a variety of charges related to House Post Office scandal. In a move expected to hurt his defense, the Illinois democrat attempts to post bail with 75,000 first class stamps.

Friday, April 01, 1994

An examination of his tax records reveals that in early 1979 Socks parlayed a $1000 investment into almost $100,000 while trading in mouse futures.

April 3
After 37 years with the network and 15 years as host of CBS' Sunday Morning, Charles Kuralt retires from TV to pursue a baseball career.

April 4
It's opening day for what promises to be a glorious baseball season, and Shannen Doherty is on hand to throw out her first husband.

April 6
In a brilliant move that is sure to help them win lots of games in the coming season, the Redskins tell Art Monk to go out for a pass and not come back.

April 8
Kurt Cobain achieves Nirvanna.

April 9
Toys R Us admits to illegally reselling nuclear warheads after much of Chicago is obliterated by a six year old named Calvin. The only other survivor of the massive fireball is a stuffed tiger.

April 10

April 12
NASA launches a new advanced weather satellite. After a few months of testing, scientists expect it to provide us with "better forecasting, ealier warnings of tornadoes, more accurate tracking of hurricanes, and the ability to peek through Sharon Stone's windows."

April 13
The Redskins sack Mark Rypien.

April 14
In Singapore, Michael Faye suffers a nervous breakdown when the guy in the next cell plays Devo's "Whip It."

April 15
Mattel announces it will soon market a Nancy Kerrigan doll. When you hit its knee, it will scream "WHY ME? WHY ME?"

April 18
Roseanne Arnold files for divorce from husband Tom Arnold. It is unclear how this move will effect the other 57 people the couple is married to.

April 19
Bill Clinton holds a televised Q & A session with 200 high school and college students during which he is asked whether he wears boxers or briefs. "Usually biefs," says the Prez.

Afterwards he invites several coeds back to DC to prove it.

April 20
The boxer shorts industry demands an apology from the White House.

April 21
The White House issues a statement that while the President usually wears briefs, he actually prefers the "freedom of boxers." This prompts howls of protest from the briefs industry.

April 22
We won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore.

April 23
While denying that he is motivated by partisan politics, Senator Bob Dole appears on Meet the Press to announce he wears boxers.

April 24

April 25
TRUE--Astronomers announce that they have discovered the first solid evidence of planets outside our solar system. The planets are in orbit around a pulsar known as PSR1257+12 located 1500 light years from Earth.

April 26
Disney announces plans to build "Disney's Galxy" on one of the planets orbitting PSR1257+12.

April 29
President Clinton asks the government of Singapore to reduce Michael Faye's punishment. In his appeal, Clinton denounces caninig as cruel and barbaric, "unless it's done to Sam Donaldson."

April 30
During an emotional debate on the Senate floor, Ted Kennedy announces, between hiccups, that he doesn't wear underwear.