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November 3
A startling new book in England details george Burns' ongoing affair with the Queen Mother.
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November 5
In a stunning upset that turns the boxing world on its ear, 45 year old George Foreman scores a tenth round knockout against heavily favored Shannen Doherty.
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November 6
During an appearance at a suburban Chicago shopping mall, Barney the Dinosaur suddenly realizes his true calling and begins screaming "I'm a Velociraptor! I'm a Velociraptor!"
Terrified three and four year olds run for their lives.
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November 8
Election day '94 finally arrives. Marion Barry returns to power in DC; Ollie North loses in Virginia; Republicans win control of both houses of Congress; and the nation breathes a sigh of relief as the news media is once again free to devote its full time and attention to O.J.'s bloody socks.
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November 9
Jubilant Republicans in F-15 fighters stafe Democrats attempting to flee Washington.
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November 11
Incoming Senate Majority leader Robert Dole offers to sit down with President clinton and "smoke a peace pipe." An exited Marion Barry offers not only to join them, but to bring "some really good shit."
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November 12
Mister Rogers attempts to negotiate with the rampaging Barney.
He is immediately eaten.
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November 14
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November 15
A genetic engineering experiment goes hideously wrong, creating a tomato that produces more milk.
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November 18
Cab Calloway will hi de hi no mo.
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November 19
In England, a new book reveals that Fergie once carried on a longstanding affair with a space alien.
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November 20
David Crosby gets his order of liver.
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November 21
Jerry Seinfeld and Shoshonna Lonstein end their 18 month old romance. A spokesperson for the former couple blames the breakup on stress caused by Lonstein's upcoming graduation from junior High.
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November 22
Tired of reptile jokes about his name, incoming Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich decides to soften his image by changing it to "Flesh Eating Bacteria Gingich."
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November 24
Terrified inmates at the LA County jail riot when O.J. is allowed to carve the turkey.
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November 25 FBI agents corner Barney. During the attempt to capture the purple carnivore, they accidentally burn him down.
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November 26
The first major winter storm of the season hits the west and midwest, and cold weather grips much of the rest of the nation.
Meanwhile, in Arkansas, Paula Jones files a sexual harassment suit against Jack Frost for nipping at her nose.
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November 27
Pope John Paul inducts 30 new members into the College of Cardinals. It is unclear whether they will be assigned to dormitories or off campus housing.
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November 28
Inmates at a Wisconsin prison give Jeffrey Dahmer his just deserts.
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November 30
The US Postal Service announces plans to raise the price of a first class stamp to 32 cents in January. The increase is made necessary by the increased cost of storing trailer loads of lost letters at random sites around the country.
