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September 4
Norv Turner's Redskins make their regular season debut in Washington. Several hundred spectators are rushed to area hospitals after being overcome by the resulting stench.
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September 5
The annual Jerry Lewis Telethon raises over $47 million for the Clinton Defense Fund.
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September 8
Michael Jackson kisses Lisa Marie on the nationally televised MTV Music Awards show.
Millions of viewers recoil from their TV's in horror.
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September 9
John Wayne Bobbitt begins filming an X-rated film. Delays quickly result since Bobbitt has a tendancy to pass out whenever the director yells "CUT!"
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September 10
TRUE--Concerned about falling birthrates in Russia, Parliament member Vladimer Zhirnovsky announces plans to father a child in each region of the country.
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September 11
Jessica Tandy is driven for the last time.
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September 12
A plane crashes on the White House Lawn. After conducting a quick inventory, USAir proudly announces that it's not one of their's.
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September 15
President Clinton goes on National TV to convince reluctant Americans that an invasion of Haiti is necessary. He pledges to do it quickly so as not to conflict with coverage of the upcoming O.J. trial.
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September 17
Heather Whitestone of Alabama is crowned Miss America, the first deaf woman to win the honor. Though many of the contestants talked about her behind her back, she didn't seem to notice.
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September 19
Former President Jimmy Carter meets with Haitian dictator Raoul Cedras in a last ditch effort to mediate the conflict. Cedras surrenders power when someone reminds him what happened to North Korean strongman Kim Il Jong shortly after HE met with Carter.
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September 21
Michael Jackson gets off when the LA District Attorney's office decides not to press child molestation charges.
The singer gets off a second time when Lisa Marie takes him out to a Chuck E Cheese to celebrate.
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September 23
The Clinton healthcare bill is found dead on the steps of the US Capitol. Bob Dole is seen fleeing the area in a bloodstained white Ford Bronco.
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September 24
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September 25
Concerned about his falling popularity in the the polls, Bill Clinton announces plans to father a child in each state. Critics point out he's pretty much already tried that.
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September 27
Jury selection in the O.J. trial begins. In an effort to find 12 unbiased individuals who have not suffered overexposure to media coverage, NASA begins shuttling Martians to Judge Lance Ito's courtroom.
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September 28
Boris Yeltsin visits the US. He meets with President Clinton to discuss world hunger, negotiate the finer points of nuclear disarmament, and offer his own theories on the O.J. case.
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September 29
The bloody remains of Disney's plans to build a new theme park adjacent to the Bull Run National Battlefield in Virginia are discovered in a field near the site. Several Civil War are seen fleeing the area on white broncos.
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