When Bearers Of Good News Go BOOM!!

Three more journalists were killed in Iraq yesterday, bringing the total for May to nine.

This is unfortunate. If all the journalists keep getting killed, who's going to report all the good news coming out of Baghdad?

Pass The Sushi... And The Geiger Counter

In a rather high profile incident last fall, a Russian citizen living in England died of radiation poisoning. The case quickly mushroomed into one of international intrigue as it became apparent that Alexander Litvinenko, a well known critic of Russian President Putin, had been intentionally killed. British authorities investigating the death quickly began to uncover a trail of radiation contamination, including hotel rooms, a sushi restaurant, and airliners.

All the evidence pointed to a guy named Andrei Lugovoy (NOT to be be confused with some guy named Lugosi). Lugovoy, like Putin himself, was a former KGB agent. This further increased speculation that the Kremlin was behind the hit. A few ago, after additional investigation, Britain issued a warrant for Lugovoy's arrest.

Yesterday, Lugovoy held a press conference in Moscow and denied all involvement. According to him, the real killers are still in England.

Right. No doubt playing golf with the real killers of O.J.'s wife.

'Pampered' Workers

Two Russian cosmonauts on board the International Space Station have successfully completed a long and difficult spacewalk to install protective panels on the outside of the facility.

No word on whether they wore diapers, or if that's strictly an American thing.

Memorial Day In Iraq

Yesterday was Memorial Day, the day on which America honors its fallen soldiers. Unfortunately, it was also a day on which 10 more American troops died in Iraq. That brings May's total to 115, making it the deadliest month of the year and the third deadliest of the entire four year old war. The total total now stands at 3454.

No word from Vice President Cheney as to how much longer the insurgency's final throes will last.

At Least He Wasn't Clad In A Cheerleader Outfit

For the past day I've been seeing the headline Man Clad in Underwear Pins Leopard on various news sites. For some reason, I just find its wording odd. It's as if the unusual part of the story is NOT that someone pinned a leopard in the first place, but that the guy was only wearing his skivvies when he did it.

Was this some sort of major fashion faux pas? Should he have stopped to put on his pants before engaging this wild animal in a desperate life and death struggle? Maybe even a suit and tie? Hell, why not a tux? Then he could have wielded his cummerbund as a weapon.

What exactly is the proper social protocol for a situation like this? I certainly wouldn't want to wake up in bed with a fierce man eating animal--whether it be a leopard, a lion, an alligator, or Sharon Stone--standing over me and not be properly dressed for the occasion.

The High Cost Of Dating

Remember that bizarre love triangle with the astronauts at NASA? The space agency has now also fired William Oefelein, the male astronaut who had been boinking the crazy diaper-wearing one.

Man, I hope that nookie was worth it.

Just The Same Old Stuff

Just in case President Bush didn't already have enough problems with birds shitting on him, now another pre-war intelligence report damning him has come to light. According to this one, there were a number of papers circulating among intelligence analysts before the invasion predicting many of the problems that the United States faces in Iraq today:

• Al-Qaeda would see U.S. military action as an opportunity to increase its operations;
• Iran would try to shape a post-Saddam Iraq;
• That establishing a stable democracy in Iraq would be a "long, difficult and probably turbulent process."

I know, I know. There have been so many of these reports proving that the Iraq war was built on an intricate web of lies, incompetence, and arrogance that it's hard to tell the damn things apart. But does it really matter?

At this point, no. Amazingly 28% of the American public continues to think George W. Bush is doing a good job. This raises an important question: Who are these people and why do they even care that over 3400 American service members have died in this wasteful conflict, that thousands more have been maimed for life, that tens of thousands of Iraqis have died, and that an estimated four million have fled their homes?

No, apparently not.

A Bird In The Hand Is Better Than One Overhead

There was a disturbing security breach at the White House yesterday. The brazen assault against the President occurred about halfway through his press conference when a bird flying overhead volunteered its own personal opinion of the Iraq war. The aforementioned opinion ended up on the President's coat sleeve, and Mr. Bush tried to brush the wet white glob off with his bare hand.

Fortunately Vice President Cheney was not present at the time, or he would have ended up shooting everyone except the bird.

A Great Excuse Not To Wear Pants

If anyone ever wonders why lawyers get a bum rap, they need to read this story.

Back in 2002, a dry cleaning establishment in the DC area lost a pair of pants. An unfortunate occurrence, but the type of thing that happens. Unfortunately, this particular pair of trousers belonged to a guy named Roy Pearson. Being both an attorney and a judge, Pearson decided he wasn't willing to accept an apology for the incident. In keeping with the fact that he's a lawyer, and that this is America, he sued. And we're not talking about about small claims court: Pearson supersized his lawsuit to the Nth degree, then multiplied it to the power of X, and settled on a figure of $65,462,500!!! He is trying to justify that figure by claiming "mental suffering, inconvenience and discomfort."

Yes, this case should go a long way to cleaning up the image of the legal profession.

Your Clump Or mine?

After careful analysis of data sent back by the Cassini spacecraft, scientists have concluded that Saturn's rings are actually composed of clumps of matter. Until now, it had assumed that each ring was uniform in density, but the new data shows that not to be the case. The clumps are constantly colliding with one another and are quite dense.

Dense, eh? Sounds like some of the people in the Bush administration.

'Deliverance' At The Pump

The National Weather Service has come out with its annual hurricane forecast, and it doesn't look good. As many as 17 named storms are expected, with up to ten of them becoming hurricanes. Up to five of them are expected to be category 3 or stronger (Saffir-Simpson scale).

And before anyone takes comfort in last year's virtually non-existent hurricane season, experts point out that there was an unexpected showing by El Nino in the Pacific. That created high altitude winds that served to disrupt any potential hurricanes in the Atlantic before they had a chance to form. There will be no El Nino in 2007, and in fact there is a La Nina. Aside from further illustrating the problem with illegal Latino immigrants, La Nina conditions tend to be much more conducive to the formation of major tropical storm systems.

Federal forecasters are so concerned about the situation that they are urging oil companies to stockpile oil away from coastal areas. With gasoline prices poised to break the record set in 1981, any further major disruption would be catastrophic, resulting in economic turmoil, long lines, sky-high prices, and motorists bending over gasoline pumps as they're forced to drop trou and take it up the ass.

Crude Humor

Good news for Americans concerned about the low prices for gasoline. BP has just announced that it is shutting down the flow of about 100,000 barrels of crude oil from Alaska because of a leak. This should be good for an additional few cents per gallon.