Was A Two Person Minimum Required?

Busy perverts posing as researchers have come up with 237 reasons to have sex. Surprisingly, "I was attracted to the person" was number one for both men and women.

Oddly enough, my Rosie O'Donnell fantasy didn't make the list.

Besides, It's Not The Managers Who Have To Fly In The Damn Thing

With a week to go before it is scheduled to lift off, NASA engineers are analyzing an air leak in the space shuttle Endeavour's crew cabin.

It is not clear if NASA's upper management--who have in the past dismissed as unimportant reports of foam hitting the spacecraft's wing and exposure of rubber o-rings to cold temperatures--will consider the absence of breathable oxygen an acceptable risk to the crew.

Can I Pet Your Cock?

One of the by-products of having a lot of immigrants in your community is the exposure to other cultures. This is not necessarily a good thing, especially if it involves your upper middle class pool party being interrupted by the neighbors' farm animals. Such is the case in Prince William county, Virginia, where many recently arrived Latinos insist on raising chickens because it reminds them of home.

Has it occurred to these people that this is precisely the type of thing that is causing many communities to crackdown on illegal immigrants? There's a lesson to be learned here: Don't piss off your neighbors or you may get your ass shipped back to Guatemala.

If you feel an insatiable desire to raise chickens because it reminds of you of home, well, then maybe you need to think about going back there. But if you're going to insist on coming to America--legally or not--then you need to be prepared to make certain sacrifices and adapt to the new culture. Letting your hens and roosters wander into the neighbor's begonias is NOT the way to do it.

I have a cock just like the next guy, but at least I keep it in my pants where it belongs.

Pass The Donuts

A new study from Concerned Scientists With Too Much Time On Their Hands Who Like To State The Obvious In An Effort To Justify Their Funding (CSWTMTOTHWLTSTOIAETJTF) has determined that obesity is "contagious" in social circles. The cause is not a virus, but rather just a peer acceptance of the condition.

For example, if a man starts putting on weight, his wife may subconsciously decide, what the hell, I guess it's okay if I put on a few pounds, too. The same holds true in larger groups. If your best friend puts on weight, you do as well. The next thing you know, your entire circle of friends is like a heard of rampaging elephants stampeding down the street to the soft ice cream stand.

But the reverse holds true as well. If a close friend starts losing weight, you are much more likely to do the same.

This certainly seems to make sense. I know whenever one of my friends starts a diet or begins going to the gym, I'm much more likely to go out and find new friends.

Coming Soon.... Or Maybe Not

The mystery about 1-18-08 has only deepened further with the release of the below poster (Click the image for a bigger version; see my July 17 post for the trailer). Supposedly it is NOT a live action Voltron movie, which had been one of the early rumors. Whatever the movie finally turns out to be, it's amazing that the filmmakers have succeeded in keeping it secret this long.

Some are speculating that this so-called Cloverfield project (Cloverfield is the name of a street in LA where Abrams has offices) is actually part of some new alternate reality game, in which a series of fictitious websites all lead players to new clues. Abrams has certainly done a lot of that with Lost; there are websites for the non-existent Hanso Foundation, Oceanic Air, and a number of others. They don't do anything to further the show's plot, but they do add to the "Lost experience." It's the type of diversion that appeals to 27 year old virgins living in their parents' basement. That said, the Cloverfield creature's roar sounds a hell of a lot like the cloud monster's roar in Lost.

HBO's Entourage has also done the same thing, creating a fake trailer for the fake movie Medellin (July 19), complete with a fake website, and starring the fake actor Vincent Chase.

The only problem with this theory is that this is an actual movie trailer that's showing in theaters along with other trailers. Theater owners--and the studios--are not likely to give up that valuable time for something which won't eventually have a direct financial payoff.

My personal guess? We finally withdraw the last of our troops from Iraq on 1-17-08, and Bush turns out to be right: The terrorists end up following us home!!! In the poster, you can even see them splashing ashore.

Anyway, with all this anticipation, the damn thing had better turn out better than that stupid Snakes on a Plane movie.

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Update added 1-17-08
Here are some more links:
A brief Q & A session from the Washington Post

WaPo review

Entertainment Weekly review

Seattle Post-Intelligencer review

A Canadian review

USA Today review

The Bad Astronomy review, complete with some "nitpicks" about the movie

And last but hopefully not least, my review
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CLICK FOR LARGER IMAGE

Not that I would ever fall for all the hype....

Did They At Least Wear Panties?

NASA, which has been plagued by jealous diaper-wearing homicidal maniacs in the past, now has a new set of problems. Allegations of astronauts flying drunk, as well as a reported case of sabotage, have surfaced.

The sabotage involved someone tampering with a computer bound for the International Space Station. The dastardly culprit deliberately installed Windows Vista on the unit, leaving it highly vulnerable to crashes, incomprehensible error messages, viruses, worms, and 27 year old hackers who still live in their parents' basement.

Even more stunning were the allegations of drunk astronauts going into space. Who even knew that Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears had joined NASA?

About Damn Time

Perhaps one of the most disturbing aspects of the entire Iraq fiasco has been the treatment of returning wounded soldiers. The lack of proper care, the horrible conditions at Walter Reed Army Hospital, and the bureaucratic hurdles thrown at the patients, become downright disgraceful when our President--the man most responsible for their wounds in the first place--repeatedly claims that he cares about the troops.

If George W. Bush really did care, he would not have allowed recuperating soldiers to stay in roach infested hospital rooms. He would not have waited until the Washington Post exposed those conditions for the entire world to see.

But the President didn't do any of that. Instead he left it to a presidential commission--set up only after the Bush Administration was embarrassed by the revelations--to come up with the necessary solutions.

That commission, headed by WWII veteran and former Senator Bob Dole, has finally issued its report. And it's only taken a little over four years into the war to take care of the problem.

Hit & Run

President Bush is becoming increasingly desperate to justify the Iraq war. Today, for example, he cited intelligence reports that showed a link between Al-Qaida's operation in Iraq and the terror group that attacked the United States on 9/11.

Well, duh.

The only problem with Bush's logic is that Al-Qaida had no operation in Iraq prior to our invasion, the toppling of Saddam, and the ensuing anarchy that engulfed the country. In other words, Bush's actions are the very reason Al-Qaida is in Iraq. It's a battlefield of his own creation. And using his own mistake to justify our continued presence in Iraq makes no damn sense.

It's kind of like running over a pedestrian, repeatedly driving over him to make sure he's really run over, kicking him a few times to make sure he's dead, and then telling the gathering crowd of witnesses, "Hey, this guy's been run over!"

Harry Potter Meets The Simpsons

No Ifs, Ands, Or Butts About It

Well, it seems the world survived President Dick Cheney's brief term in office. In case you missed it--or fled to a bomb shelter when you heard of it--Cheney was actually President for about two and a half hours yesterday while President Bush underwent a "routine" colonoscopy at Camp David.

Doctors were able to successfully remove five polyps from Bush's colon but said his head was "just too far up there" to reach with conventional surgical tools.

The Same Old Line

Last spring, as the big troop surge in Iraq was getting underway, it was decided that General Patraeus would appear before Congress on September 15 to give an assessment of the situation in Iraq. That date was agreed upon by the White House because by then we would be seeing all kinds of wonderful progress in the war.

Now comes word that some generals are saying that September is too early, and that assessment should instead be made in November.

Even more troubling, the general in charge of American forces south of Baghdad now says the troop surge needs to last into NEXT summer for it to be effective.

This constant feeding of bullshit to the American people has to stop now. We have been fighting in Iraq for over four years now. We've been there six months longer than it took us to win World War II.

And what do we have to show for it? Well, there's that wonderful new White House intelligence report that says Al Qaeda is as strong as before 9-11, and that Osama bin Laden has benefited greatly from Bush's decision to invade Iraq.

The people running this war have been repeatedly wrong in the past. As a result of their ineptitude, 3632 American soldiers are dead, thousands more have been maimed for life, tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians have been killed, and terrorists around the world are more inflamed than ever before. And now these very same geniuses responsible for this mess are telling us they just need a few more months? They have been repeatedly wrong about everything for the last four and a half years. Why on Earth should we start believing them now?

I need a drink.