It's A Wrap....Sort Of

Tom Shales of The Washington Post offers his own take on last night's Sopranos finale. In short, he loved it and praises the abrupt ending as being "unorthodox and arguably ingenious." And arguing about it is exactly what many viewers are doing at USAToday (comments are at the end).

Personally I hated it. I always hate unresolved storylines. Hell, I'm still bitter about the very last Calvin and Hobbs strip. But this also raises anther question: Is there ANY ending that would have left viewers satisfied?

No, probably not. Any final resolution would have left someone pissed off. That said, The Post offered several scenarios for the final scene on Saturday. My favorite:

INTERIOR: Vesuvio's restaurant. Very late. Carmela alone at a table. Artie, the restaurateur, and his wife, Charmaine, hovering.

ARTIE: Carm, what can I say?

CARMELA: I just couldn't go back there tonight. At least they didn't touch the bedroom set. My Frette linen . . .

ARTIE: Bleeping feds, right?

CHARMAINE: Artie, your melanzane! (Artie gestures, "Oh right.") So what will you do now?

CARMELA: I don't know. (Welling up.) So much evil in the world, Charmaine.

CHARMAINE: Who's coming for you?

CARMELA: Ro is taking care of Gaby. She's fallen apart. To watch Sil go like that. They said he had no more esophagus.

CHARMAINE: Meadow --

CARMELA: In Vermont with Patsy, studying for her LSATs. That reminds me. I've got to check on A.J. I don't think the doctors are going to bring him out of it this time.

ARTIE: (from the kitchen) Carm, do you know if they got Paulie, too? (To Charmaine) What? Not the Phil thing -- he got what he deserved. Paulie's still got quite a tab.

CARMELA: I don't think he was implicated. (a pause.) I still can't believe it.

CHARMAINE: It'll take time.

CARMELA: Ade, oh Ade.

CHARMAINE: How did they get him?

CARMELA: Christopher. From beyond the grave. Some notes the police found in that dead screenwriter's apartment. In Christopher's hand. And a dog finds her "skeletal remains." All those months, he lied to me, every time I brought up her name. Ran off, my ass. He killed her. He slept with her and he killed her. I will curse him and curse him and . . .

CUT to INT. of a cell. Camera finds hollow-eyed Tony. Camera pans to a TV set tuned to Ebert-Roeper-type movie-review program. Logo of "Cleaver" appears. Camera back on Tony, as one of the commentators is heard.

COMMENTATOR: It's a splatter classic! They spill blood from orifices I didn't know existed! The movie's a hoot! Randy, I gotta give it a thumbs up, too!

FADE-OUT. Over the credits, Billy Joel's "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant."

For A Moment I Thought My Cable Had Gone Out

The ending of tonight's Sopranos can best be summed up in three words: What the hell...?

It's All Over Except The Whacking

Some critics have called The Sopranos the finest series ever to grace American television. An exaggeration? Perhaps. After all, it's hard to top My Mother the Car.

Whatever its merits, Tony and the gang will end their run on HBO tonight. Among fans of the show, there is rampant speculation about what will happen in the finale. Will Tony live or die?

After the events of last week, that is not an idle question. Bobby got hit by a train (an absolutely classic scene) in the opening shots of a gang war with a New York family. Shortly afterwards, Silvio was caught in a fusillade of bullets and left in a coma, leaving the future of the E Street Band in doubt. And when we last them, Tony and Paulie were holed up in a safe house. But with their crew in disarray, it remains to be seen how they will be able to strike back at Phil Leotardo.

So how will it end? Personally, I thought I had it all figured out a few weeks ago. Chrissy was becoming increasingly disillusioned with mob life. To me it was obvious he would go to the Feds in return for a new identity. That theory went up in flames when Tony, er, "helpfully" held his nose shut after the car accident. So at this point, I'm left without a clue except to say that Tony will most certainly NOT die.

Then again, I also predicted that Kerry would beat Bush.

The Sopranos: A Seven Minute Wrap-Up

Let Her Eat Cake

Pity poor Paris Hilton. It was only last weekend that she reported to prison to begin her 45 day sentence. Then on Friday the LA County Sheriff's Department released her to serve the remainder of her sentence in home confinement.

Well, that's certainly only fair. After all, if it had been you or me sitting in jail for violating terms of our probation following a DUI conviction, we certainly would have been allowed to go home six weeks early.

But then yesterday some evil judge stepped in and said no, she has to go back to jail and serve out the full term behind bars.

This is absolutely horrible!! How dare they treat Paris Hilton as some sort of--GASP!--mere commoner!?!?!

Another Damn Defeatist Joins The Chorus

Yet another cowardly defeatist has spoken up and said that things in Iraq are not going well. This individual used negative language such as "conditions in Iraq have not improved significantly despite the influx of U.S. troops in recent months" and that Iraqi factions "have shown so far very little progress" toward the reconciliation necessary to stem the bloodshed.

I'm getting sick and tired of these damn liberal America-hating Democrats who are so willing to spout unfounded negative attitudes about this war. Don't they care that such words only serve to destroy the morale of our troops and embolden the enemy? Such people have no right to.... What? The guy who said those things was Douglas E. Lute, a Lieutenant General in the United States Army? And he's President Bush's new Iraq war czar, responsible for coordinating the political and military aspects of America's involvement in Iraq?

Oh.... Well, never mind.

Putin On The Ritz

President Bush is to meet with Russian leader Vladimer Putin later today. Putin has been using increasingly aggressive language and threatening a new arms race since Bush proposed putting American missiles in Poland and the Czech Republic as part of a "defensive shield."

Hope Bush brings a geiger counter to check the sushi.

Why Europe Is F*cked

After several days of deteriorating relations between the United States and Russia, President Bush has sought to calm things down by saying that "Russia is not going to attack Europe."

This is reassuring coming from the same man who told us that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, that there was a connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda, that repeatedly told us we were turning the corner in Iraq, that uttered the words "you're doing a heck of a job, Brownie" to the director of FEMA even as bodies floated in the streets of New Orleans, and can barely speak coherent English.

So Much For Living In A Freakin' Desert

There's finally some good news for those of us concerned about the falling price of gasoline: A major tropical cyclone (that's what hurricanes in the Indian Ocean are called) is headed towards the Strait of Hormuz. That's the narrow passage at the lower end of the Persian Gulf through which virtually all the oil tankers that come out of the middle east have to pass.

Cyclone Gonad, or whatever the hell it's called, has already forced the evacuation of tens of thousands of people in Oman. A major oil loading port in that country has also shut down. The storm is also threatening Iran.

This also raises serious questions about the effectiveness of Tehran's nuclear deterrent.

Further down the road, Gonad will no doubt cause politicians in the United States to trip over one another as they call for investigations of price fixing by the big oil companies. This is only fair, of course, since big oil controls the world's weather.

The latest polls show that 30% of the American public continues to support President Bush. You have to wonder what is wrong with these people when even people high on pot understand what is going on:

Shades Of 'Terminator'

Japanese scientists have created a robot with 19 movable parts in its face. As such, it is capable of forming appropriate facial expressions based on the words it hears. For example, when it hears the word "sushi," it smiles. The word "bomb" makes it frown. And when it hears the word "Bush," it looks scared and disgusted.

Sounds like my kind of robot.

Except When Aliens Pop Out Of Your Chest

Excited scientists who get worked up over the darnedest things have discovered that sound waves can travel along the sun's magnetic field.

So much for the old theory that in space, no one can hear you scream.

Like We Don't Waste Enough Fuel Ourselves

The FBI has broken up a terrorist plot to blow up fuel facilities at New York's JFK Airport. Although the individuals were not Al Qaeda, they were inspired by extremist Muslim views.

But what makes this case even more disturbing is that these guys were NOT middle eastern, or of middle eastern descent. Two of the three were the small South American country of Guyana, a nation best known for its fabulous Kool-Aid drinking festivals. The third plotter was from Trinidad.

Okay, I'm confused. I thought we were fighting in Iraq so the terrorists wouldn't follow us home, perhaps by hiding in returning troops' luggage. Yet this is the second serious terror plot uncovered in a month in which the participants were NOT from the Middle East (the other plot involved the assault on Fort Dix, and was to be carried by a group from south Jersey).

Does this mean we now have to invade both South America AND New Jersey? Does the American military have enough manpower to carry out a three-front war? Will we still have to pay tolls on the Turnpike? What will the insurgency be like in Perth Amboy? So many questions, so few answers.

On a more serious note: John Kerry caught a lot grief in 2004 when he suggested that the fight against terrorism should be treated as a law enforcement matter rather than a military one. Yet in both the JFK and the Fort Dix plots, it was law enforcement officials--using informants--that thwarted the plans. And the British group that schemed to blow up airliners with liquid explosives last fall was also done in when a tipster phoned Scotland Yard.

Hmmmm.... Could it be we elected the wrong guy?

Star Wars: Episode IV.5

Ever wonder what happened after the first Death Star blew up and Darth went spinning off into space? Neither have I, but fortunately someone did.