Be VERY Afraid
Let's face it: Life these days is all about fear. Fear of terrorism, fear of body cavity searches at the airport, fear of having your job taken over by somebody named Gupta in New Delhi, and fear of Howard Dean actually winning next November. Fear is everywhere, and if you're not afraid of something, your probably already dead, which just makes the rest of us all the more afraid.

But with the recent focus on the Flu, Mad Cow Disease, and isolated cases of SARS popping up in China again, fear of disease seems to be the most popular one at the moment. But which disease scares you the most?

Weigh in on the new poll to the left.

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Speaking Of Mad Cows....
Despite her apology, Hillary Clinton continues to draw fire for her joke that Mahatma Gandhi used to run a gas station in St. Louis.

In an effort to change the subject, she has decided to feed a live crocodile while simultaneously talking on a cellphone and dangling Chelsea off a balcony.

A Rose By Any Other Name

Here's a shocker: After 14 years of vehement denials, that he bet on his own team. Rose makes this "shocking" revelation in his upcoming book, My Life as a Lying Sack of Crap. Many people, however, remain unimpressed by Rose's sudden candor. Some cynics go as far as to view the confession as just another ploy by Rose to have the lifetime ban issued by MLB in 1989 lifted, and to finally get into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Some critics of that ban, say it is much too harsh, and that Rose should be enshrined in Cooperstown strictly on the merits of his impressive stats. Mark Asher of the Washington Post talks about baseball's most sacred rule, Rule 21, which is prominently posted in every clubhouse at every level of the game. Rose thumbed his nose at that rule, which calls for a one year ban for betting on baseball and a lifetime ban for betting on your own team. The bottom line is that Rose knew what he was doing was wrong, and no one stuck a gun to his head to force him to place those bets.

One important aspect of this debate that has rarely been mentioned is why baseball is so paranoid about gamblers in its midst: The 1919 Chicago Black Sox. For the uninitiated, that was the year eight members of the Chicago White Sox bet against themselves and threw the World Series. That scandal almost destroyed the sport 84 years ago, and the leaders of today's baseball teams have not forgotten its lessons.

A Football God Returns

Today we learned much of what is behind the Code Orange terror alert, and why it continues. First, there was serious concern over New Year's about a dirty bomb attack on a number of US cities. Groups of scientists with hidden radiation detectors were dispatched to DC, NY, LA, Vegas, and Baltimore. Meanwhile, overseas, authorities continue their search for Abdul Haq, who was booked on a canceled Air France flight around Christmas and now has seemingly disappeared. His name matches that of an escapee from a Khandahar detainment camp.

But all this talk about death, destruction, and the end of civilization as we know it no longer matters to those of us here in DC. Today's big, BIG story in town is that Joe Gibbs is returning to the Washington Redskins. It is virtually impossible to overstate the significance of this development, and what it means to long suffering 'Skins fans. If the Mars Rover were to stumble across Elvis living in sin with Amelia Earhart and raising mad cows on the Red Planet with Osama bin Laden working as a farmhand, it would pale in comparison to the news about Gibbs.

Does that put it in perspective for you?

During his 12 seasons coaching the team, Gibbs led the Redskins to four Super Bowls, and won three of them. And while other coaches have done that, Gibbs is the only one to do it with three different quarterbacks. In fact, the first black QB to win the Super Bowl was Doug Williams (sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, but it's true) in 1988, when the Redskins defeated the Broncos. Rush Limbaugh continues to be haunted by this.

When Gibbs retired in 1993 to pursue a second career as a NASCAR owner, he left football at the top of his game. Since then, the Redskins have descended into the depths of football hell and have become a joke in the NFL.

It remains to be seen if Gibbs can return the franchise to its former glory. One immediate concern is that he is such a revered icon in this town that it may be virtually impossible for him to live up to expectations. All too often, when sports figures try to mount a comeback after retiring once, they fail to achieve their former glory. One immediate example of this is Michael Jordan's two seasons with the Washington Wizards, and it would be a shame to see Gibbs sully his image. On the other hand, a coach's strengths are measured by knowledge and the ability to be an inspiring leader to your players. Unlike physical ability which declines naturally with age, these qualities may well be immune to the ravages of time.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, can anyone work with Redskins owner Dan "The Pipsqueak With A Napoleon Complex" Snyder? That remains to be seen. But if Gibbs succeeds, all of Snyder's past sins will likely be forgiven.

Whack It. Whack it good.
Okay, quick: What great moment in sports history is today the tenth anniversary of?

No, no. Not O.J. That anniversary isn't till June. But you're on the right track.

It was ten years ago today that the Tonya Harding crime syndicate whacked Nancy Kerrigan's knee, and Ray Ratto has written a pretty funny piece about it on ESPN.com

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Brazil Nuts
In a move that many Americans say is long overdue, customs officials have begun fingerprinting and photographing foreign visitors (most Europeans are exempt from this requirement). The new procedure will allow authorities to better track terrorists who are hellbent on destroying our way of life even as they visit Las Vegas to take advantage of its many carnal pleasures, including taking turns marrying Britney Spears.

Some countries are not happy that their citizens will have to endure added scrutiny while seeking a brief fling with certain unnamed pop singers who can't hold their liquor. Brazil, for example, has decided to fingerprint and photograph Americans--but only Americans--visiting that nation.

Well, that's real frikkin' mature, Brazil. What are you, in fourth grade? What a bunch of crybabies!! Fortunately, we here in the United States are above such childish displays, and know how to voice our displeasure with the international community in a reasonable, grown-up manner.

That's why later today, I'm going to DC, driving by the Brazilian embassy, and mooning them.

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Good Thing He Knows His Right Hand From His Left
A round of applause is in order for Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, who is sticking to his guns. Rather than apologize for feeding a chicken to a 13 ft. croc with one hand while holding his one month old child in the other, Irwin says he would gladly do it again provided "there were no cameras around." Irwin continues to insist there was never any danger because he knows how to safely handle wild animals.

Hmmm.... Isn't that what Roy Horn said?

----------Varvel, Indianapolis Star

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Soap On A Rope Would Be Nice
Holy magnificent Mother of Crap!! Turns out I've been arrested!!!!

Well, that's okay. Maybe I'll end up sharing a jail cell with Paris Hilton.

Congratulations are in order to NASA, which, having mastered the whole metric to english conversion thing, finally managed to land something on Mars.... Intact. Triumphant rocket scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena celebrated by cheering, hugging each other, and throwing their pocket protectors into the air.

The Spirit Lander carried a 384 pound mobile rover which, assuming it doesn't need a jump start, will be able to drive around and poke at rocks, after which it will drive around some more and poke at rocks, at which point it will drive around more and poke at rocks. Then, depending on how much power the rover has left, it may drive some more and poke at... boulders.

This comes on the heels of the Stardust spacecraft's successful fly-by of Comet Wild 2. The vessel successfully collected samples from the celestial traveler's tail, and it will return them to Earth in 2006 for study. Shortly after that, a careless scientist will become infected by an alien microbe which will begin using human hosts to propagate it's own species. Full-size alien beings will begin erupting from the chests of their hapless hosts, leading to the eventual extinction of mankind.

Democrats will blame President Bush for the fiasco.

Let's See Michael Jackson Beat This Stunt
I was planning to write something funny and witty about Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's parenting style, I can't possibly beat Little Tiny Lies' take on the story.

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Here. Have A Hamburger
Scientists and government officials continue in their attempts to reassure the American people that our beef is safe, and that the odds of anyone catching mad cow disease are "virtually non-existent."

On the other hand, the odds of someone winning $100,000,000 in the lottery are virtually non-existent, too. Yet people still manage to do that.

Pass The Noisemakers

Congratulations to a Charles Brody of Oak Hill, Virginia. He apparently celebrated a little too hard Wednesday night, and got himself arrested on a DUI charge at about 1 A.M. yesterday morning.

So what, you ask? That happens to a lot of people on New Year's Eve.

Well, yes, it does. But how many of those other people are the chief of Transportation Safety Administration operations at Washington Dulles Airport and on duty at the time of the arrest? Oh, and let's not forget the heightened security of the Code Orange terror alert, not to mention the added scrutiny being given to London/DC British Air flights.

Yes, those additional details do tend to narrow the field a bit.

Time Flies
Hard to believe it's already 2004. Seems like only a year ago we were saying it's hard to believe it's 2003.

Happy New Year!

Here's the Washington Post's annual list of what's "in" and what's "out." The one item on here, which, if true, bodes ill for America's future, is that Barry Manilow is considered in....

Dave Barry's 2003: Between Iraq and a Hard Place is also ready for your review.

Call Me Haagan Dazs
At JFK Airport in New York, the body of a stowaway has been found in the wheel well of a British Airways 747. The plane had just arrived from London, and it is the second such incident in a week. Officials are treating the incidents as serious breaches of security.

Huh? Not only is the guy already dead, he is most sincerely dead and frozen stiffer than a popsicle. How much of a threat can a bar of Good Humor ice cream be?

I would be much more worried if he were alive and armed with an almanac.

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Jacko X
The Nation of Islam has apparently begun playing a role in the defense of Michael Jackson, though the group denies any "official" connection. If it does turn out to be true, however, it would be a shocking break with tradition.

The Nation of Islam has long been known for only helping black people.

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Speaking Of Fruitcakes....
Congratulations to Sonya Thomas, who has won a fruitcake eating contest in Buffalo, NY. She ate over 14 pounds of the holiday "treat" in ten minutes. The contest was sponsored by a local foodbank, which was encouraging people to donate unwanted fruitcakes to the hungry.

Wait a minute.... Isn't giving massive amounts of food to known gluttons in order to feed the hungry and homeless something of an oxymoron?

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MOO!!!
Cardinal Renato Martino, a top Vatican official, says he feels sorry for Saddam Hussein because the former Iraqi was treated "like a cow".

It was not immediately clear if the Cardinal also felt sorry for the hundreds of thousands who suffered brutal deaths under Saddam's rule.

Well, Redskins coach Steve Spurrier is out. The former Florida State coach had arrived in DC two years amid high expectations, and instead accumulated a 12-20 record. His much ballyhooed "fun & gun" offense, which had worked wonders at the college level, simply misfired amid the pros. This past Sunday's 35-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles was a sad but appropriate way to wrap up his stay with the Redskins.

Still, we here in DC have to wonder how much of the teams' problems lie with the coaching, and how much with the ownership. Daniel Snyder, who has controlled the Skins since shortly after the death of the beloved Jack Kent Cooke, has, over his brief tenure, gained quite a reputation as being meddlesome.

Personally, I think he's a spoiled little brat with a Napoleon complex. But don't quote me....

And while on the subject of football, here's my Super Bowl prediction: The New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles, with the Eagles coming out on top. I've been betting against Philly all season, and it's cost me a fortune. So I may as well bet on them for once.

I should point out, however, that it's not my fault I kept betting against the Eagles. I was simply remembering what Rush Limbaugh said back in September: That Eagles QB Donovan McNabb was overrated by the media because he's black. I've always had great faith in whatever Rush says, and have always been a fervent follower of his "teachings." Instead, the Eagles have won their division, and McNabb is considered to be a serious contender for the League's 2003 MVP.

Well, that's what I get for listening to a drug addict.

New Terror Level: Code Absurd
This is no joke: The FBI has now issued a bulletin warning local police to be on the lookout for people with almanacs. The concern is that terrorists may use the reference books to research potential targets.

This is truly shocking news!! I didn't even know they still made almanacs!

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Well Hung
Michael Jackson appeared on 60 Minutes last night in an absolutely hilarious bid to clear his name. When asked if he still thought it was okay for him to sleep with children, Jackson said, "Why not? If you're going to be a pedophile, if you're going to be Jack the Ripper, if you're going to be a murderer, it's not a good idea. That I am not."

It was at that point that Jackson's legal team decided to give up and just commit mass suicide.

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Uh-Oh....
In an effort to calm public fears about contaminated beef, the Bush Administration has announced that it has former Iraqi weapons inspectors searching for the origins of that sick cow.

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A Note To Both My Regular Readers
Those of you who have occasionally left comments will know that I had been using squawkbox for the commenting. Unfortunately, their service was not without its problems, chief among those being the difficulty in linking back to your sites. Also, on the rare occasions that they choose to respond to your inquiries, they refer you to their "forum" section rather than actually take the time to simply answer a customer's question.

My close, personal friends Kim and Osama have been using Haloscan with great success on their own sites. And since I am but a mere lamb willing to blindly follow my leaders anywhere they decide to go, I have decided to switch MM&M to Halscan's service as well.

At the moment, all the November and December comments you've made have been moved over. Over the course of the next week or so, I'll be moving the rest of your comments over as well.

And no, this does NOT mean that I now owe you FOUR cents for your past comments....

Finally, some non-terror news from the world of aviation....

Over the years, a number of airlines have experimented with all-female flight crews to attract more male passengers. In a twist, Skynet Asia Airways is offering all-male flight crews in order to attract more female passengers.

In a major setback to the experiment, the pilots got lost and the plane arrived four late because they refused to ask for directions.

----------Rex Babin, Sacramento Bee

Maybe It Was That Metric/English Conversion Thing In Reverse This Time
It now appears that the European Space Agency's attempt to land a probe on the surface of Mars has failed. On the other hand, it's not clear why this spacecraft was launched in the first place.

I thought only Americans had permission to screw up missions to Mars.

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Fly The Scary Skies, Part II
French authorities have questioned and released several men who were scheduled to fly to the US from Paris on Air France 68. Acoording to the French, there was no evidence that these individuals had any plans to hijack the plane and crash it into an American target.

Well, let's hope not. But we must also keep in mind that it was the French who interrogated Richard Reid in 2001 after he was pulled from an American Airlines plane in Paris because he was acting suspiciously. They eventually concluded he was harmless and allowed him to leave Paris the next day on another American Airlines flight. That was the plane Reid tried to blow up over the Atlantic by lighting the explosives hidden in his shoes.

So you'll have to excuse me if my confidence in the abilities of French interrogators is less than overwhelming.

Here's wishing everyone Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

----------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star-Ledger

Oh, and don't forget to duck when the time comes....

Fly the Scary Skies
I don't know about anyone else, but my freakout meter just went up another notch. Air France, in response to specific threats, has canceled six flights between Los Angeles and Paris over the next three days. This comes on top of tough security measures already in place at LAX.

Well, that's all fine and dandy for now, but what have we accomplished in the longer term? If no one has actually been arrested, what's to keep these people from getting on a plane next month instead? Or rebooking their flights out of San Diego?

What makes this most recent Code Orange alert different from others we've had since 9-11-01 is that previous warnings in Turkey and Saudi Arabia have proven to remarkably prescient. Western intelligence services have obviously refined their techniques over the past year. That should give this latest report of "increased chatter" more credibility.
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Bad Moos
The once secure American beef industry has been rocked by news that a case of "mad cow" disease has turned up in Washington state.

No word on what Rosie O'Donnell was doing in Washington state in the first place.
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Send in the Clones
Texas A & M has announced that it has successfully cloned a whitetailed deer.

Jesus H. Frikkin' Christ!!! Don't we have enough damn deer as it is?!? You see the remains of the stupid things littering the sides of highways like beer cans, and now some geeky scientists are wasting valuable time and resources to make even more of them? What are they thinking?

These people should be cloning something worthwhile.... Like more Paris Hiltons.

I know I wouldn't mind having one of those around.
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On Alert
The nation continues at Code Orange for terror attack even as it celebrates a beef-free Christmas Eve. Overall, most people seem to be dealing with the heightened risk of fiery death and utter destruction in a cool, calm, and collected manner.

Rats Leaving A Sinking Ship?

Blogspot has long had a reputation of being unreliable and riddled with frequent software problems. Unfortunately, its recent purchase by Google has not served to clear up the problems.

There had been a longstanding problem with the archiving of material that was finally cleared up this past summer. However, other issues remain, and new ones crop up. Most recently, a number of sites have been hit with disappearing templates. In addition to rendering one's site unavailable to readers, it costs a lot of time and effort to rebuild. And certain information, such as links, are lost for good. Then there's the pesky problem of posts that disappear when you publish them. I have learned to save material to my clipboard until I'm certain it has actually shown up on the site.

Several former blogspot people have since switched. Norman Geras recently moved to typepad, and today I get word that Aaron the Liberal Slayer has also fled the scene of the blogspot wreck.

As for me, well, Michael Jackson and are I staying on board the Titanic with the women and children. And just to set the record straight: I'll be keeping myself preoccupied with the women, while Jacko tends to the kids.

The flu has now been classified as being "widespread" in 36 states. This year's outbreak has hit earlier than usual, but it remains to be seen if the current strain is actually more virulent than the ones of recent years.

Health experts say that the single best way to avoid catching the flu is stop picking your nose.

Well, that's just frikkin' great!! Another cherished personel freedom has gone down the drain in this post 9-11 world of ours.

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

The Department of Homeland Insecurity has raised the terror alert level to Code Orange, or high. The action is based on increased "chatter" and government officials fear that death and destruction is imminent.

Oh, and Merry Christmas!!