The Diaper Industry Was Probably Behind The School Board's Decision

Administrators at a Tennessee high school have seized all 1800 copies of the student newspaper after it published an article on birth control. The editors of the paper included such details as the success rate of various methods, as well as information on where to obtain contraceptives. Needless to say, some people are up in arms over the first amendment issues raised by this incident.

But if you step back and view this case neutrally, it's obvious the school acted responsibly. After all, America has been increasingly plagued by shortages of unwed teen mothers, and banning such knowledge from kids is an absolutely brilliant way to increase the supply.

CSI: Global Warming

So let me get this straight: The Bush Administration can readily see non-existent weapons of mass destruction, but they can't evidence of global warming when it's staring them right in the face?

Exhibit One: Tropical storm Delta continues to swirl out in the North Atlantic. Delta is the 25th tropical storm/hurricane of the season, shattering the previous record of 21 which had stood since 1933.

But beyond the number of storms is the more important issue of their strength. Sure, major hurricanes periodically hit the United States or central America. There was Camille in 1969, Hugo in 1989, and Andrew in 1992. About ten years ago when such storms began developing more regularly with Opal in 1995 and Fran a year later (Retired hurricane names).

But it wasn't until last year that things seemingly crazy with Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne all hitting Florida. Still, many people dismissed 2004 as a fluke.... Until 2005 rolled around. Does anyone need a reminder of the names Katrina, Rita, and Wilma? While "storm scientists" used to think that periods of intense hurricanes came in cycles, a new concern is beginning to emerge: That Global warming is making itself felt.

Exhibit Two: Scientists in Antarctica, apparently bored and looking for something to do, found a really big drill and decided, what the hell, let's drill up some ice. Afterwards they decided to analyze their samples and discovered that Earth's current carbon dioxide levels are the highest they've been at any time in the last 650,000 years. They reached this conclusion by analyzing air bubbles found in the core samples.

Afterwards they chopped up the ice into little cubes and had cocktails.

Exhibit three: There is increasing evidence that the permafrost in Alaska is melting faster, and this is creating problems of its own. As the ice further down in the soil melts, trees on the surface become unstable and tilt. In some cases entire villages have had to be relocated because the buildings began to sink into the muck. Satellite imagery has also shown Arctic sea ice to be shrinking at an alarming level.

Hey Ma! Look What We Found!

In what can only be described as a major victory in the War on Terror, alert Japanese authorities have found and defused a 500 pound explosive before it had a chance to go off. Several thousand people were evacuated from a residential neighborhood as a precaution while the device was rendered harmless.

What is shocking about this story is who planted the bomb: The American military!

Oh, I should probably mention, though it's not important, that the unexploded bomb was left over from World War II.

Any Bets On Whether We Make It To Epsilon?

And we now have a tropical storm Delta. It's way out in the Atlantic and no threat to land, but at least we're now up to the fourth letter of the Greek alphabet.

Ah, To Be A Kid Again....

Debra Lafave, a 25 year old teacher in Florida, has pleaded guilty to a charge of having sex with a 14 year boy. These outrageous acts on her part allegedly happened in her classroom, a car, and her townhouse. In return for the guilty plea, Ms. Lafave will avoid jail time. She will, however, have to serve three years of house arrest followed by seven years of probation.

No word on how the poor 14 year old victim is handling this traumatic experience, but if it were me, I'd be high-fiving my buddies.

A New Level Of Idiocy

Every now and then some politician will say something so incredibly stupid that it absolutely defies the imagination. The following statement (See last paragraph of link) by Louie Gohmert, a Republican congressman from Texas, certainly fits the bill:

"You'll have a parent or two here, as you know, whose tragic grief from the tragic loss of a loved one, of a child, causes their mental thinking to be a little destabilized. That's understandable."

I don't consider myself an overly religious person. But I have to admit that lately I have been undergoing a spiritual awakening as I increasingly turn to prayer. Indeed, when I heard about the above quote, I immediately fell to my knees and prayed. I prayed that next year the American people will finally come to their senses and vote the morons currently in Congress out of power.

Yes, our military is an all-volunteer force, and yes, when soldiers enlist they should be prepared to die for their country. But our leaders also have a grave responsibility not to send these men and women into harm's way unless absolutely necessary. For a congressman to make such a callous and cavalier remark demonstrates that he is not worthy of that responsibility.

Let's hope Louie Gohmert can eventually wash the blood off his hands.

Misplaced Priorities

President Bush has just wrapped up his visit to China and has urged the government of that country to increase religious freedom.

To heck with China. How about more religious freedom here in America?!?!?

Terror From The Skies

Fears about the bird flu jumping to humans have been growing as the current form of the virus continues to spread from country to country. It started in China last winter, soon spread throughout southeastern Asia, and recently began showing up in European countries. Scientists suspect that the bug is being spread by migrating birds.

In a terrifying new development, it appears that the virus has now claimed its first victim in North America.

Vindictive Little SOB's, Aren't They?

My favorite rock artist of all time (besides Britney Spears, of course) is Bruce Springsteen. I have most of The Boss' CD's, and I even signed up again with Sirius satellite radio after I learned they had added an all-Springsteen channel. Yes, he's written some crap, but who hasn't (besides Britney, of course). On the other hand, some of his songs are pretty much immortal. "Born to Run" is one that immediately comes to mind, but "Jungleland," "Wreck on the Highway," "Racing in the Street," and "Thunder Road" would be on that list as well.

New Jersey's two Senators--both Democrats--recently introduced a resolution honoring Springsteen. It's the type of mostly meaningless honor that Congress passes all the time, usually by unanimous acclimation.... Except this time.

The Senate's Republican leaders refused to even bring up the bill for a vote. No explanation was given, but many suspect it is in retaliation for the fact that Springsteen campaigned on behalf of John Kerry last year.

So much for freedom of speech.

After All, Didn't God Also Create Darwin?

I'm not usually a big fan of columnist Charles Krauthammer. He is a staunch defender of Bush and the war in Iraq. In fact, sometimes I fantasize about sneaking up behind him and dumping him out of his wheelchair.

However, he has written an excellent piece defending the theory of evolution and says the current fight over intelligent design is "so anachronistic and retrograde as to be a national embarrassment." Krauthammer then goes on to suggest that there is room for science and theology to peacefully co-exist.

Almost makes me feel guilty about that wheelchair thing.

Alpha, Beta.... What Comes After Beta?

Wonderful news! Tropical Storm Gamma has now officially formed off the coast of Honduras. It is the 24th named storm of the record setting 2005 season. Speaking for myself, I'm just tickled pink! This article on Yahoo suggests Gamma may head towards Florida by the end of next week, but one of the weather guys at Wunderground thinks it will get sucked up by a cold front. Guess only time will tell what the future holds for Gamma.

Well, if nothing else, at least we're all getting an opportunity to learn the Greek alphabet this year.

But At Least We'll Die Healthy

Scientists say that increasing one's consumption of beans can lead to an increase in the levels of so-called "good cholesterol," thus lowering the risk of developing heart disease.

On the other hand, it will also increase the level of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, killing off all of humanity.

How Come It Suddenly Feels Like November Out There?

We had been basking in spring-like weather for the last few weeks. Consequently, it came as quite a shock this morning when I walked outside and Jack Frost immediately began nipping at my nose. So I grabbed my baseball bat and beat the perverted SOB to a bloody pulp.

Then when I finally got to the car, I unlocked the door, pulled on the handle, and.... Nothing happened. The door was frozen solid! It had rained like hell the night before, and when the temps dropped below freezing, everything iced up. So I decided the easiest thing to do would be to quit my job and go back to bed.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start drinking and wearing the same underwear for a week at a time.



P.S.
And yes, it's all Bush's fault.

Maybe She Had To Pay For Those Roaming Minutes

Candice Martinez, 19, has been arrested in the infamous case of the Cell Phone Bandit. She would enter a bank, wait in line for the next available teller, hand the teller a note demanding money, and then leave with several thousand dollars. What made this unusual was that she would be on a cell phone the entire time, sometimes not even pausing in her phone conversation long enough to greet the teller. Turns out the person on the other end of the line was her boyfriend, who would wait out in the car and keep an eye out for the police.

Well, thank God she is now off the streets. Martinez deserves to go away to jail for a very long time. There are entirely too people many out there who get so wrapped in their cell phones that they rudely ignore those around them. Whether it's in restaurants, at the movies, or even in the library, people just yak away oblivious to the world. It would have been a damn shame if bank robberies had ended up being added to the list of inappropriate situations to have cell phone conversations.

It's good to see justice served for once.

>

Some Things Never Change

President Bush has left for a weeklong trip to Asia. His first stop will be in Japan, followed by visits to South Korea, China, and Mongolia.

What? He's STILL avoiding going to Vietnam!?!?!

Here Comes Another Thunderbolt

A strong earthquake measuring 6.9 on the Richter scale has struck off the coast of northern Japan. No immediate word on casualties or damage.

One can only speculate that this tremor was actually intended as divine retribution for the people of Dover, Pennsylvania for voting the intelligent design people out of office, but God missed.

Dorothy & Toto Were Probably Darwinists, Too

Several tornados struck central Iowa late yesterday, leaving widespread destruction in their wake. At the Iowa State-Colorado football game, fans were forced to flee the stadium and take shelter in a basketball arena. Meteorologists blame the volatile weather on a series of severe thunderstorms accompanying cold air masses trying to mix with warm air masses. That, of course, is based on solid science, which means it's a bunch of hooey.

I haven't consulted with Pat Robertson yet--today is Sunday, and he has a regularly scheduled breakfast meeting with God--but it's safe to assume that many of these people are believers in evolution, and the bad weather was the lord's way of telling them to accept intelligent design.

Oops--Is That A Thunderbolt Crashing Through My Ceiling?

In a story I missed a couple of days ago (but thanks to Solar for trying to bring it to my attention) the Dover, Pennsylvania school board that last year approved the teaching of intelligent design was voted out of office. This was on Tuesday, ironically the same day that Kansas was revving up its own time machine to return us to the dark ages.

Now loudmouth televangelist Pat Robertson--who a few months ago called for the assassination of Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez--is warning the residents of Dover that God will soon unleash his wrath upon them because they have rejected his word.

Wait, I'm confused.... Haven't intelligent design proponents been telling us that their "theory" is not religious in nature? If that's the case, then why do we have a well-known religious leader invoking the wrath of God over the matter?

In the comments to my Nov. 8 post about the 15th century, someone wrote:

"Well, It's simply a matter of theory. Should the theories of evolution be promoted ahead of the theories of creation? Both are unnatural and both are unproven from the perspective of science."

This prompted some additional feedback from Nate, who brought up a good point about the theory of evolution: In science, a theory is much more than just a guess. It's basically one step below being a law. And as another commentator put it, gravity may be just a theory also, but he's not about to stand under a falling boulder.

There's not much more that I can add to that, except to re-emphasize Nate's point: In science, a "theory" is one step below being a law. So is the theory of evolution proven? Well, perhaps not to the extent that the laws of thermodynamics have been proven, but it's damn close. To dismiss evolution as "unnatural" and "unproven from the perspective of science" is indicative of a mind-boggling level of ignorance.

The theory of evolution is also supported by everything we know about continental drift, dinosaurs, biochemistry, asteroid impacts and how they triggered mass extinctions, genetics, and the fossil record. And more recently, a group of scientists constructed a mathematical analysis predicting the number of harmful mutations in the genetic code of chimpanzees. The results supported evolution, and demonstrated how a small group of cells 3.5 billion years ago could give rise to the biodiversity we see around us today.

On the other hand, the best argument that intelligent design proponents can come up with is that the lifeforms on Earth are just too darn complicated to be random. Well, I think trigonometry is complicated and completely beyond my comprehension. But I'm also willing to accept the fact that trigonometry is probably not the result of a divine miracle.

To be honest, I personally believe in neither evolution nor intelligent design. They're BOTH a load of crap. I firmly believe that the world--indeed, the universe as a whole--was created by the flying spaghetti monster.

Keeping It In Perspective

A lot has been made of the $9.9 billion profit Exxon reported for the third quarter of 2005. That certainly seems like an outrageous amount, and someone has to be held responsible for it.

Exxon is the largest corporation in the world in terms of revenue. In that same three months it took in a total of $100 billion. Translation: Their profit for every dollar of revenue was less than a dime. By comparison, Citigroup Inc. (a financial services company) made 15.7 cents on the dollar last year. Altria Group, which manufactures Marlboro cigarettes, made 22 cents for every dollar it took in. And pharmaceutical giant Merck's profit was over 25 cents on the dollar.

Even more stunning: In 2004 Exxon was ranked number 157 on the Fortune 500's list of the most profitable companies.

Exxon has the world's consumers by the doo-dads, and the best it can do is #157?!?!?

Yes, that $9.8 billion is an outrage: Outrageously low! Someone should be fired for it.

Venus

The European Space Agency has launched a probe to study Venus. It is expected to arrive at our planetary neighbor next spring. Venus fascinates scientists because in many ways it is identical to Earth. It is roughly the same size as our planet, has similar gravity, and is composed of many of the same raw materials. Yet for reasons that are not entirely understood, Venus is a victim of a runaway greenhouse effect with an atmosphere composed of mostly carbon dioxide and an average temperature of 869 degrees Fahrenheit (465 Celsius).

In other words, kind of what like Earth will be like in another 25 years.

Call A Plumber

For the last week, we had been told that the governor's race here in Virginia was too close to call. In the end, however, Democrat Tim Kaine pulled out a comfortable 52%-46%n win over Republican Jerry Kilgore (independent Russ Potts took 2% of the vote). Analysts are giving much of the credit for Kaine's triumph to incumbent Mark Warner, who campaigned heavily on his fellow Democrat's behalf. Warner is leaving office with tremendous popularity, and this win is a major boost to his stature and likely presidential bid in 2008.

52%? Hmmm.... It seems Kaine's mandate is twice as big as Bush's!

On the other hand, the win by a Democrat in Virginia is potentially very bad news for Republicans nationwide. The entire House of Representatives is up for re-election next year, and the party's majority may be in jeopardy. Virginia is a heavily Republican state (it's been won by the Republican candidate in every presidential election since 1968). With Bush's popularity continuing to take a beating, it is becoming increasingly apparent that he is beginning to drag down the entire party.

In fact, the President returned early from his South America trip just so he could make a appearance on Kilgore's behalf. But this was intended as more than just a campaign appearance; it was also a gamble by Bush to reverse his slide down the toilet. Had Kilgore pulled out a win, Bush could have claimed credit and finally brought some good news to his beleaguered presidency.

But it was not to be, and the water in Bush's toilet continues to swirl faster and faster.

Welcome To The 15th Century

Well, congratulations to the Kansas School Board, which earlier today voted 6-4 to allow the teaching of "intelligent design" in its schools. What's more, "the board rewrote the definition of science, so that it is no longer limited to the search for natural explanations of phenomena." What the hell does that mean? Will students now begin their school day with a prayer and a reading of their horoscopes?

Why stop with evolution? Let's just go back to teaching that the Earth is flat and that the sun revolves around us. And we need to stop teaching that nonsense about germs. Everyone knows that illnesses are caused by evil spirits.

Oh, and thunder? That's just God bowling.

Vote Early And Vote Often

Virginia is one of two states electing a new governor today, and I carried out my constitutional responsibilities by voting. Needless to say, I voted for the entire Democrat ticket.

I did so for several reasons: First off, I'm still bitter about what the Republicans did during the Terry Schiavo circus last spring. The entire party should be ashamed of themselves for getting involved in what should have remained a private affair. But that is to be expected when a formerly great political party is hijacked by religious zealots hellbent on turning this nation into some sort of theocracy based on their interpretation of the Bible.

The second reason can be summed up in one word: Bush.

Third and most important are the candidates for governor themselves. Democrat Tim Kaine is eloquent and well-spoken and not someone I would be ashamed to have as the leader of my state. Republican Jerry Kilgore, on the other hand, comes from southwest Virginia and has the accent to prove it. Whenever he speaks, I can't help but think of the Beverly Hillbillies. I don't know what his educational background is, nor do I care. He could be Harvard educated and I still wouldn't have voted for him because of that accent. In fact, my greatest fear is that if Virginia suffers some sort of calamity--a category 5 hurricane, a major terrorist strike, an earthquake, a volcanic eruption, an asteroid impact, a nuclear power plant meltdown--that kills thousands of people, Jerry Kilgore would be the one appearing on worldwide TV before billions of viewers. And I don't want four billion people getting their first impression of Virginia from someone who sounds like Jethro.

As for the important issues which will ultimately decide this race.... Well, I have no idea what they are.

Hurry Up! We Gotta Pee!

In a terrifying turn of events that has left residents of Tampa, Florida stunned, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested for having sex in a bathroom stall.

I know, I know. How many of us can honestly say we haven't done the same thing? More than once? A week?

What makes this particular case of stall sex unusual, however, is that the two cheerleaders were having the sex with each other.

I know, I know. I wish I had been there with a video camera, too.

The police were called by outraged bar patrons, which certainly seems understandable.... Except that they weren't angered by the lesbian sex itself. No, they couldn't have cared less about that. What pissed off the people in the bar was that the two women were hogging the bathroom!

Unfortunately, the only images we have of the women are the above mugshots. But if Angela's breasts are proportionally as large as her nose, I'd like to meet her!

A Test Of Your Moral Fiber

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. It features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will be forced to make a life or death decision. It is imperative for your response to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is not only beyond desperate, but very nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos to chronicle the death and destruction. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of her destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, furiously struggling to not be swept away with the debris. You decide to move closer...

Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! It quickly becomes obvious that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options: You can either save the life of G.W.Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

---From an email; original author unknown

Venison, Anyone?

In what can only be described as an outrageous display of police brutality, officers in Montgomery County, Maryland shot and killed an unarmed deer yesterday.

The hapless animal had been window shopping at a local shopping center, checking out the new fall antler wear, when he decided to stop by a grocery store. Okay, so he did so by smashing through the plate glass window, but he's a deer. Deer don't do doors.

The narrow-minded store manager immediately engaged in wildlife profiling and--rather than offering to help the animal locate the salt lick aisle--called 9-1-1 to report the alleged "intruder." Shoppers, store employees, and assorted other bigots immediately corned the poor fellow as he headed towards the pharmacy. After all, it is fall mating season, and that's where the Viagra is.

Before the horny adult buck could pull out his discount drug card, however, police officers arrived and shot him. They claim they did so because the animal was injured and bleeding profusely.

Great. The next time I get a paper cut, rest assured I'm not asking a cop for a band-aid.

In a similar incident but one with a happier ending, another deer wandered into a ritzy Ralph Lauren store in the Georgetown area of DC last week. Employees locked the young cross dressing buck in a fitting room until the authorities showed up. He was tranquilized by animal control officers and carried outside as a mob chanted "Free Bambi!" The buck was later released in Rock Creek Park.

Then there's the disturbing tale out of Arkansas where a man killed a deer with his bare hands. The animal had smashed through a window and was loose in the master bedroom.... Or at least that's the story the guy's wife came up with. After cornering the defenseless animal, who hadn't even had a chance to put its pants back on, Wayne Goldsberry wrestled with it and finally broke its neck. Afterwards he had the meat processed, and the deer is now residing in Mr. Goldsberry's freezer.

Hmmm.... Perhaps we should apply that brand of justice to human intruders as well. It would likely cut down on burglaries.

Bush's New Mandate

According to a new poll, 60% of Americans disapprove of President Bush's job performance, 58% have doubts aabout his honesty, and 67% give his administration a negative rating on ethics.

Hmmm.... Now THAT'S a mandate!!!

What's Important

Democratic senators yesterday forced an extraordinary closed session of the chamber. The galleries were cleared of spectators, and even security personnel and staffers without security clearance were barred. Their goal was to demand that Senate Republicans agree to hold hearings to look into whether the nation was misled when we went to war with Iraq. The Democrats' bold move was apparently prompted by Lewis Libby's indictment last week. Libby, along with Cheney, was one of the principle architects of the invasion, and the charges seem to indicate that something is being covered up.

The Democrats need to leave Bush alone and let him return to his job of protecting the American people from danger.... Provided the danger isn't from a hurricane, in which case it's every man, woman and child for him or herself.

So what if the Bush Administration misled the country into the war, and intentionally lied about Hussein's ties to Al Qaeda? Is it really that big a deal if the weapons of mass destruction story was fabricated? Who cares if over 2000 American soldiers have died while thousands more have lost limbs or suffered lifelong injuries in an unnecessary war? Does it really matter that as many as 100,000 innocent Iraqi civilians have died because we blundered into our way into this conflict? Is it necessarily a bad thing if our actions have brought Iraq to the brink of civil war while the entire mideast has become even more unstable? And is it really all that important that President Bush squandered all that international good will we had immediately after 9/11, and that since then more people in the world than ever have come to hate the United States?

I think not.

What IS important is that this President is NOT getting blowjobs from an intern.

One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest

In a speech later today at the National Institutes for Health, President Bush is expected to unveil his administration's response to any outbreak of "superflu." It is expected to modeled after his response to the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

In other words, half of us will be dead by the time anyone lifts a finger.

Heaven Is A Blue State

Hurricane Beta has now dissipated, and for the time being no new tropical systems are on the horizon. But all this destructive weather over the last few months has some people asking: Why is God doing this to us?

Back in September ago some religious leaders suggested that God targeted New Orleans because the city was planning some sort of gay pride parade, and He wanted to stop it from happening. Well, if that's the case, then the good lord has really lousy aim because a whole lot of heterosexuals suffered collateral damage.

Others have suggested that Mississippi was hit because of all the floating casinos that have opened there recently along the coast. Again, what about the people who suffered inland? Why did they have to lose everything if He was only trying to wipe out the gamblers?

And what about Florida, which was hit last week by Wilma, also a highly destructive category 3 storm? Was God targeting homosexual retirees who were playing Bingo?

No, I don't think any of that explains all these hurricanes. However, I think there may be some truth to the theory of divine retribution. But gay behavior and gambling simply don't explain the wide geographic spread of the massive destruction. So what common thread ties Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida together, except that they all voted Republican last year?

That's it!! God's pissed that we reelected Bush as President!!

The Ultimate Tribute

In 1852, Senator Henry Clay became the first person to lie in state in the Rotunda of the United States Capitol. Since that time, only 29 others have received that honor. Nine of them were U.S. Presidents, including Ronald Reagan last year. Prior to Reagan, the last to lay there were two U.S. Capitol Police officers slain by a gunman in 1998. One of those officers, Jacob Chestnut, was the first African American to do so.

Beginning tomorrow afternoon, Rosa Parks' name will be added to that very special--and very short--list. She will be the second African American, the first woman, and the first private citizen to receive the ultimate tribute from this nation.

And if there is any justice in this universe, bus driver James Blake is rolling over in his grave right about now.

Well, It Does Explain A Lot....

Vice President Dick Cheney's top aid, Lewis Libby, was indicted yesterday on five counts. Bush aid Karl Rove was spared for now, though the prosecutor says that the investigation is continuing.

For time immemorial, government officials have fallen back on the standard "Sorry your honor, but I don't recall who said what to whom" defense. Libby, is no exception. According to his attorney, Libby will argue that he's just so darn busy that he can't possibly be expected to remember minute details of individual conversations, especially when they involve such trivial matters as disclosing classified material.

It's good to know that our country is being run by people with advanced cases of Alzheimer's.

Beta Version

You're not going to believe this, but there is now a Tropical Storm Beta in the Caribbean. The storm is expected to reach hurricane intensity within the next 12 hours or so.

Beta is the 23rd named storm of the season, further extending the record set by Tropical Storm Alpha last week. Florida and the Gulf states are off the hook on this one, as it appears Beta will target central America instead. Nicaragua and some Colombian islands will bear the brunt of Beta as they are expected to receive as much as a foot of rain. Severe flooding and numerous mudslides can be expected, and hundreds will likely die as entire villages are swept out to sea.

Hey, better them than us!

Here Comes The Judge, Here Comes.... Whoops.... There Goes The Judge

In a major embarrassment for the White House, Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court, Harriet Miers, has withdrawn her name from further consideration. Serious questions had been raised about her qualifications, and even a number of conservative groups had been criticizing the choice. That was surprising, since Miers is an evangelical Christian who had previously written papers opposing abortion. However, she apparently wasn't enough of an avowed, bloodthirsty, foaming-at-the-mouth Christian to suit the far right, so they turned on her. And there are few things in this world more frightening than the feeding frenzy that erupts when conservatives devour their own.

It is unclear whom Bush will nominate next, but an obvious choice would be Judge Judy. First of all, the American people are very familiar with her, so there shouldn't be any surprises in her background. Judge Judy runs a tight ship when it comes to managing her courtroom, and she doesn't put up with crap from anybody. And if any Senators step out of line while questioning her, she won't hesitate to kick their asses around the hearing room a few times.

Wilma As Seen From Space

Hurricane Wilma is now history. After hitting the southwest coast of Florida with 125 mph winds, she crossed the state and re-emerged into the Atlantic. Wilma then continued up the coast, generously donating her moisture to a nor'easter already slamming New England. As a result, parts of the region got hit with 20" of snow.

Officially, hurricane season runs until the end of November. November hurricanes are rare, however, so hopefully Wilma was nature's last word on the subject. Then again, given the records that were set during the last four months, perhaps we shouldn't get too complacent just yet.

So does the severity of the 2005 hurricane season mean that global climate change is already under way? And if so, is this change man-induced? Or is this all part of some greater natural cycle?

The debate will continue to go on. But in what can only be described as more evidence that something is, in fact, very wrong with the Earth's weather systems, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has released an extremely disturbing photo of Hurricane Wilma taken by a weather satellite. It shows some unprecedented cloud patterns, and will no doubt provide more fuel for the debate over global warming.

The Devil, You Say

I freely admit that I'm usually the first one to scream about the separation of church & state even as the US continues its slide into becoming a theocracy. But even I have to concede the following story is ridiculous....

The C.D. Hylton High School band in Prince William County, Virginia has been invited to perform at the Peach Bowl in December. And since the game is played in Atlanta, it seemed only fitting (the game is played in Georgia) that they would perform a rendition of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," by the Charlie Daniels Band. Consequently the band has been rehearsing the piece, and even performed at a home football game.

At least that was the plan, until some numbskull wrote a letter to the editor of the local paper pointing out that Hylton is a public high school, and that the existence of the devil is a religious concept. Consequently, in order to avoid controversy, the band director pulled the piece.

First of all, the band director is a weenie. Secondly, while the idea of a devil may have originated in religion, the concept of such a being is also firmly rooted in mythology. Thirdly, it's just a freakin' song!! The tune is not even remotely religious. No one is going out there and warning sinners, non-believers, and democrats that they're going to burn in hell if they don't repent and become republicans!

Let them play the song, for crying out loud.

Book 'Em All, Danno

The investigation into the CIA leak case is expected to be concluded by the end of the week, and indictments are expected. The investigation thus far has focused on White House advisor Karl Rove and Vice President Cheney's chief of staff, Lewis Libby. The question at hand is whether CIA operative Valerie Plame's name was deliberately leaked to the press in an effort to get back at her husband, Joseph Wilson, who had publicly questioned some of the evidence used to justify the invasion of Iraq. Now comes word that Cheney himself gave Plame's name to Libby, who in turn may have leaked it to the press.

Personally, I don't see what the problem is. If Wilson had the audacity to question the Bush Administration's motives, he must be an unpatriotic commie. Heck, he should be shipped off to Guantanomo Bay and force to participate in the annual naked human pyramid tournament!

This renewed focus on the legitimacy of the war comes at a bad time for Bush since the total of American troops killed just hit 2000 earlier today.

Unfortunately for the Republicans, the scandals don't end there. New evidence has surfaced in the investigation of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's questionable stock sale a few months ago. Frist, who is a heart surgeon and world renown expert on diagnosing brain damaged patients via videotape, ordered the sale of all his shares in his family's medical business shortly before the release of a bad business report. The problem is, however, that those shares were supposed to be in a blind trust, so how would Frist have known whether he even owned any shares? He claims it was purely a coincidence.

New documents, however, indicate that Frist was routinely informed of stock sales and purchases by the trustees. If true, this would defeat the purpose of a blind trust and raise serious ethics questions, as well as potential conflict of interest issues.

Then there is the ever lovable Tom DeLay, who was the House majority leader until his indictment a few weeks ago on money laundering charges. Last week he was booked and fingerprinted in Houston, which always looks good on the six o'clock news. But that's okay, because DeLay is now out on bail and back in Washington writing laws the rest of us have to follow.

Misplaced Geography?

Having devastated much of the Yucatan Peninsula, Hurricane Wilma has re-emerged over the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico and begun gaining strength once again. It currently stands at category 3, and is expected to hit Florida later today. And a few hundred miles to the east, Tropical Storm Alpha--the record setting 22nd named storm of the season--drenched parts of the Dominican Republic. Alpha's remnants are expected to continue on to the Bahamas but are not considered a threat to the U.S. mainland.

Meanwhile, citizens and trapped tourists in Cancun have begun looting stores in a desperate bid to stay alive.

Looting out of desperation?!?! Where do these people think they are? New Orleans?

Where There's Smoke....

Even as Hurricane Wilma sits over the Yucatan Peninsula, its category four winds pounding the living crap out of Mexico, the debate rages over global warming. Is the spate of recent major hurricanes a sign of man-made climate change, or is it merely part of a natural cycle? Is it something that will eventually wane, or is mankind royally f*cked in the tuckus? All good questions, and ones I shall ponder as I continue to dig my underground shelter.

But the global warming debate shouldn't merely be about hurricanes along the Gulf coast. It needs to be about everything that's happening all around the entire globe.

For example, recent data shows that arctic ice is melting at an accelerated rate. The spring thaw in Siberia began 17 days earlier in 2005 than the 50 year average. Is that part of a natural cycle?

In Africa, 82% of Mount Kilimanjaro snow cover has disappeared over the past century. Again, is this a natural cycle?

Central Europe was battered by unprecedented heavy rains and flooding this past summer. And last year, thousands died in France during a severe heatwave.

And elsewhere around the world, weather anomalies continue to happen. Sure, bad weather happens all the time. But at some point you have to step back, look at the big picture, and ask yourself where "natural" stops and evidence of global climate change begins.

After all, if you wait till the room is completely filled with smoke before admitting there's a fire, you're going to die.

Rice-N-Curry Girl

I've never understood those Indian music videos.

Hey Baby, Can I Play With Your Volume Knob?

A company is proposing a new type of breast implant. One breast would contain MP3 files while the other side would hold the processor. A special bra fitted with a tiny battery would power the unit while a USB port would connect through the skin.

Icon Wars

People with broadband connections often leave their computers on 24 hours a day. But have you ever wondered what your seemingly innocent little electronic friend does while you're sleeping or away at work?

Wilma's Really, REALLY Pissed

Hurricane Wilma not only intensified to category 5 status earlier today, but she has succeeded in becoming one of "most intense storms ever." At one point this morning its pressure in the center had dropped to 882 millibars, the lowest ever recorded in the Americas. The previous record holder was 1988's Hurricane Gilbert with 888 milibars. Generally speaking, the lower the air pressure in a hurricane, the higher the wind speed.

Forecasters now say Wilma will likely hit the Florida Keys on Saturday and the mainland on Sunday.

Stung by criticism of its slow response to the Hurricane Katrina disaster, the Bush Administration has already begun organizing food, shelter, medical supplies, and troops to aid in any necessary recovery efforts. Help from the Federal government is expected to begin arriving in effected areas as early as Easter.... Of 2008.

Is That A Chopstick In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

A pair of Chinese astronauts have successfully returned to Earth after spending five days in orbit. China is only the third nation to independently send its own astronauts into space.

The men completed all of their mission goals, including a number of experiments, gathering data on the effect of weightlessness on the human body, furthering China's goal of eventually landing men on the moon, and delivering an order of kung pao chicken to the International Space Station.

Wil-MA!!!

With the rather messy birth of Tropical Storm Wilma earlier today, the 2005 Atlantic hurricane season has tied the record set in 1933 for the most named storms. Record keeping only began in 1851, so it's entirely possible that there may have been a worse one back during the age of the dinosaurs, which according to some creationists, roamed the Earth in peace and harmony with man.... Well, except maybe when they got hungry.

Wilma, recently separated from Fred after he caught her in bed with Barney, is currently in the Caribbean near the Cayman Islands and headed north towards the Gulf of Mexico.

The hurricane season runs through November 30. If any more named storms do pop up, they will be named after letters of the Greek alphabet beginning with Alpha.

When Leaks Go Bad

Not only is the clock is ticking for White House advisor Karl Rove, it is increasingly looking like he's running out of time. Rove spent much of the day Friday testifying before a grand jury in DC. This is still part of the investigation to determine who leaked the name of a CIA operative to the press. The agent happens to be the wife of Joseph Wilson, who in 2003 had the audacity to call into question the validity of some of the evidence being used to justify the then upcoming invasion of Iraq. The question at the core of this is whether the agent's name was released as retribution for Wilson's failure to agree with the Bush Administration.

At any rate, there appears to be some conflict between what Rove told the panel in an earlier session and what other witnesses had to say. Unless he can talk his way out of this, Rove may soon find himself playing the part of Ned Beatty in a federal prison production of "Deliverance."

One can only hope....

---------------Click for accompanying Washington Post Story

Uh-Oh

We now have a Tropical Depression 24 located in the Caribbean below Cuba. While its wind speeds aren't high enough for it to warrant becoming a named storm just yet, it is expected to strengthen into hurricane status in the next few days. Its track is currently forecast to take into the Gulf of Mexico by Friday.

Fill up your gas tanks now.

Now That's Gratitude

In the days following the Hurricane Katrina fiasco, and shortly after the Bush Administration awakened from its slumber and realized people were dying (well, mostly black people, so let's not get TOO worked up over it), a number of other countries offered aid. Among those was Great Britain, which generously donated 400,000 ready to eat meals. That is certainly something that would have been welcomed by the starving masses holed up in the Superdome at the time, right?

Well, yes, it probably would have been welcomed.... Except the $5 million worth of food never made it to Louisiana. In fact, the donated meals are still sitting in a warehouse in Arkansas. The US government blocked their distribution because of its ban on British beef, and is now seeking to donate it to some other country.

Omens

Many people have been worried about all the recent disasters and what their greater meaning may be. Between the monster hurricanes along the Gulf, the earthquake in Asia, the tsunami in the Indian Ocean, global warming, the increasing threat of a pandemic flu, and the reelection of President Bush, there is fear that perhaps the end times are upon us.

On the other hand, there is also some good news for the future of civilization: The Simple Life has been canceled!!

Remember What?

A new study says that eating fish on a regular basis can delay the onset of dementia.

Yeah, like I'm going to remember that....

Bugs

Scientists have finished reconstructing the deadly influenza virus that killed as many as 50 million people worldwide in 1918. They were able to piece together enough segments of its DNA structure, which had been recovered from victims buried in the frozen tundra of Alaska, to gain a complete genetic profile of the killer bug.

And in what may be the most disturbing aspect of this accomplishment, scientists say that the "bird flu" which has been popping up in Asia recently is beginning to increasingly resemble its 1918 cousin as it mutates and evolves.

Wait.... It's EVOLVING!?!?!? How is that even possible!?!?!? I thought these damn things were the product of intelligent design, so how the hell can they be EVOLVING!?!?!?

Then Came Tammy

This past September was the driest on record for DC in over a century, and the area had recently been classified by the National Weather Service as being in a drought.

Then yesterday the remnants of Tropical Storm Tammy showed up and began setting rainfall records. Since the storm's arrival, parts of the area have received as much as eight inches of rain. Some places in northern maryland have received over ten inches, resulting in a mudslide killed 1400 people.... No, wait, that was in Guatamala.

Whew!!! For a moment there I was actually concerned about the loss of life!

LCD Or Plasma?

Show of hands: How many of you even knew there was a Tropical Storm Tammy? Oh, that's not very many of you, is it? It formed two days ago and came ashore yesterday near the Georgia/Florida state lines with 50 mph and lots of rain, killing hundreds.... Well, okay, maybe not hundreds. But it's fairly certain someone somewhere slid off a rain-slickened roadway into some trees, severely bumping his or her head.

At any rate, it's indicative of yet another failure by the Bush Administration to adequately protect the American people.

Tammy's remnants are expected to drop over an inch of rain on the DC area today, and I've been busily preparing for it. I cleaned out the trunk of my '57 DeSoto to make plenty of room, and once the weather turns nasty, leading to a totale breakdown of the social order, I'm going out to do some looting.

Still trying to decide between Best Buy and Circuit City, though.

Pass The Pepto Bismal

A couple of days ago I mentioned the scene from Monty Python's "Meaning of Life" where the fat guy explodes after eating too much. Pretty funny stuff, but surely nothing that could happen in real life, right? Surely living creatures have enough sense not to eat too much in one sitting, don't they?

Well, not necessarily. A 13 foot python recently exploded in the Florida Everglades after he tried to eat an.... Alligator.

Guess President Bush isn't the only one around guilty of biting off more than he can chew....

Gone In A Flash

A recent casualty of the recent Nextel-Sprint merger is the famous trenchcoat guy. After 155 commercials, he has been temporarily--possibly even permanently--dropped as spokesperson.

Broke, single, and out of work, he has taken his trenchcoat and resorted to hanging out at bus stops and playgrounds.

Who knows? Maybe I'll bump into him.

So What Do New Orleans And New York Have In Common?

In case anyone in New York city needs something else to worry about, here's a good one: Hurricanes. That's why city officials have been working on plans on how to evacuate millions of people in the course of a day.

It's not as farfetched as you might think. The Big Apple suffered direct hits by major storms in 1821 and 1938. A major hurricane hitting the city could produce 30 foot storm surges and flood all five Burroughs. The storm's effects would be magnified by the fact that hurricanes in northern latitudes move much faster than storms in the tropics.

I would be happy to take in a few evacuees myself if it ever becomes necessary.... Just as soon as I finish nailing down my valuables.

Someone Give Tom A Mint

William Raspberry says that it almost doesn't matter whether Tom DeLay is ultimately found guilty of the (now three) charges he has been indicted on. Rather, he likens it to something called the "Kablooey Principle."

That goes back to some experiments that involved dropping sand one grain at a time onto a steel plate. It accumulates into a neat little structured pyramid until at some point a single little grain causes the entire thing to go "kablooey"--that is, collapse into nothing more than a messy pile. The grain that finally does it is no different from any of the other grains; it's just that so much sand had piled up that the structure could no longer support itself.

It's kind of like the fat guy in Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life" who eats and eats and eats until he's completely full. Then the waiter entices him to have one little teeny-tiny mint, and the guy ends up going KA-BLOOEY all over the inside of the restaurant.

In DeLay's case, there have been so many ethics charges and allegations brought against him over the years that even if this particular case is not that significant, it may still turn out to be his kablooey moment.

Honey, His Diaper's Full Of Kryptonite Again

Normal people like us like to joke about the celebrities in Hollywood being just a bit... "strange." Of course, that's just talk, right? Just because they sometimes climb up on Oprah's couch and proclaim their love for each other doesn't mean they're different from the rest of us, does it? After all, given the opportunity, wouldn't we do the same thing.... Assuming we weren't brainwashed by some cult? They put their pants on one leg at a time just like we do, and their crap smells just like ours.

But every now and then someone in Hollywood will do something so bizarre and out of the norm, that we mortals have to step back, examine our beliefs, and admit that, yes, those Hollywood types really are f*cking weird.

The latest one to step over the line and enter Bizarro World is actor Nicholas Cage. A few days ago he and his wife had a baby boy. And that's a good thing. We normal people have babies all the time, too. Afterwards we give them names like Jason, John, Kathy, Fred, or Lugosi. In other words, nice, normal sounding names.

What we do NOT do, however, is go around giving our kids Superman's birth name, Kal-el.

Republicans: Abortion Now Sometimes Okay

In what can only be described as a major turnaround for the party, Republicans are now endorsing--even urging--abortions! At least that appears to be the case if William Bennett is to be believed. And since Mr. Bennett served in both the Reagan and Bush Sr. administrations, and is a respected leader of the conservative movement in America, he obviously speaks for the entire party.

The former Secretary of Education, who uses his radio show to pontificate about the decline of morals in America, last week took to the airwaves and said that one way to reduce crime would be to "abort black babies."

On the surface this would seem to be a major contradiction for Mr. Bennett, since he has in the past condemned abortion. Apparently, however, he is only opposed to aborting white babies. Aborting the black ones, though is okay and should even be encouraged.

It is unclear as to what Bennett thinks we should do about--GASP!!!--biracial babies.

Clarification Needed

A senior Cardinal in Rome has reaffirmed the need to maintain the celibacy rule among Catholic priests. It was unclear, however, if the rule applied only to celibacy when it comes to women, or if it also applies to 13 year old altar boys as well.

Pack An Umbrella

The bad news is that we now have a Tropical Storm Stan. It is currently over the Yucatan peninsula, and expected to re-emerge into the Gulf of Mexico tomorrow.

The good news is that even if Stan does eventually strengthen into an actual hurricane, it is on track to hit central Mexico, thus killing only Mexicans. While this may sound bad, it has the upside of reducing the available pool of illegal immigrants coming into the United States.

Meanwhile, some scientists are warning that the United States may be in for far more catastrophic storms like Rita and Katrina during the coming decades. There is disagreement over whether this is due to manmade global warming or other natural causes. For example, over the last century, several longterm cycles of stronger hurricanes have been documented. The latest cycle of bigger, more intense storms appears to have started in 1995 and will likely last 20-30 years.

On the other hand, recent findings indicate that greenhouse gasses in the Earth's atmosphere have increased 20% since 1990 alone.

Whatever the reason, Kansas is looking better all the time.

Still Hanging

Will the nightmare of the 2000 election never end? Here's another disturbing article about those damn chad things in Florida. Apparently now they're terrorizing people in central Africa and making them starve. I was so repulsed by the headline that I can't bring myself to read the rest of the article.

And yes--some how or another it's still Bush's fault.

Whose Turn To Pick Up The Soap?

This has been an exceptionally bad week for Republicans. First there is Bush, who is still trying to regain his footing after sleeping through Hurricane Katrina and its immediate aftermath.

Then late last week we learned that Senate majority leader and possible 2008 presidential candidate Bill Frist is being investigated by the Securities and Exchange Commission for possible insider trading. The problem is that he sold off his stock in a company his family founded shortly before its value plunged because of a poor earnings report.

It may sound serious, but it probably isn't. After all, Martha Stewart faced similar charges a while back, and she got through that unpleasantness in about six months or so.

But the clincher came yesterday, when House Majority Leader and top Bush ally Tom DeLay was finally been indicted by a Texas grand jury. While the indictment stems from efforts by DeLay to have Republicans seize control of the Texas state legislature, he has actually been dogged by ethics questions since 1997.

Unfortunately this is not an election year for Congress. Otherwise the Republicans would be kissing their majority in the House goodbye.

Swimming No More

In a past life, a long time ago and in a galaxy far, far away, I wrote for the student newspaper at George Mason University. And while I continue to toil away in obscurity for free, lobbing barbs at the various acts of folly committed by the Bush Administration, another writer from that same college paper has gone on to achieve fame and fortune. This was making me increasingly bitter in my old age until I realized something important: At least my testicles still work!

Okay, so I haven't had an opportunity to use them in a while, but that's besides the point....

Buzz McClain has written a pretty funny piece for the Washington Post about his recent vasectomy. For any guys out there who may be considering one, it's a must read.... Just keep your legs crossed.

Sorry About That, Chief

One by one the icons of my youth are dropping like flies. And as each one falls, it further reminds me that I'm getting old myself.

Frankly, it's pissing me off.

Anyway, the latest is Don Adams, who died yesterday at the age of 82. He, of course, played Maxwell "Agent 86" Smart on Get Smart. I only vaguely remember watching the show in the '60's, but a few years later, it was one of the reruns that populated one of the four TV channels in the DC area. As I recall, it used to come on about the time I got home from school.

Max had some great recurring lines. His most famous, of course, was the unforgettable "Sorry about that, chief." That's a line that lives on even today, and I can imagine former FEMA Director Micheal Brown saying that to Bush in the days after Hurricane Katrina.

But my favorite was the one he always said whenever the Chief would give him a complex set of instructions for some delicate mission involving the fate of the free world. Max would be listening to the Chief, a look of intense concentration on his face. The Chief would finish up by saying, "Did you get that Max?" And Max would say "I lost you at the bakery."

Of course there was never any mention of a bakery anywhere in the instructions, and the Chief would begin screaming.

Sure, I enjoyed Gilligan's Island, loved Mr. Ed, and found My Favorite Martian to be out of this world. But it was Get Smart that missed my heart by that much.

Redundancy

Is it just me, or is the middle of a lake a really dumb place to stick a water tower?

---------------The Washington Post

Personal Growth

Scientists have discovered a mysterious "bulge" in the Earth's surface in Oregon. It is about 100 kilometers across and growing at the rate of 1.4 inces per year.

Big deal. I develop a bulge whenever I look through my Britney Spears swimsuit calendar, and you don't see scientists getting all worked up about that.

Nice Job. Now Get Lost.

Congratulations to the American team for winning Golf's President's Cup. Now that the tournament is over--and don't take this the wrong way, because we really do appreciate you coming, so please don't think I'm being ungrateful here--could the whole bunch of you please go the hell home?

Those of us that live and work in the area are really tired of the unending traffic jams, the slow moving buses, and the constant police direction at every single freakin' intersection.