Some Helpful Tips
Microsoft has announced it is releasing Service Pack 6, which will plug the holes in Service Pack 5, which took care of the holes in Service Pack 4, which was supposed to cure the problems with Service Pack 3, which improved on Service Pack 2. As a public service, here is a sneak peak at some of the features of SP6.

That Was Special "Medicinal" Spinach in That Pipe of His
Popeye the Sailor Man turns 75 this year, and to mark the occasion the Museum of Television and Radio in New York today unveiled a new exhibit dedicated to the man who made spinach seem almost edible.

After leaving the service, Popeye married his longtime love, Olive Oil. Their wedded bliss was short-lived, however, as the bride soon started a illicit love affair with her husband's arch-nemesis, Bluto. It didn't take Popeye long to discover what had been going on behind his back, and in a drunken rage he killed Bluto.

He was convicted of manslaughter and served 23 years in a federal prison. Deprived of his precious spinach, Popeye proved to be a spineless wimp and quickly became a popular bitch to be passed around among the other inmates.

Upon his release, Popeye tried his hand at a number of menial occupations. His uneven temper and frequent bouts with depression made him incapable of holding down a job. Out of work, and unable to afford even the cheapest store brand cans of spinach, the former sailor turned instead to booze and drugs.

Popeye awoke one day in the late 90's and decided to take stock of his life. Faced with with mounting medical bills because of mouth cancer brought on by the constant smoking of that pipe, and tired of being Courtney Love's aging boy toy, Popeye decided to clean up his act. In a bold move, he quit both alcohol and heroin cold turkey. He went on to become an obnoxious self-righteous born again Christian who was constantly passing judgment on others. And yes, he voted for George Bush on Nov. 2.

When last heard from, the retired navy man was working as a greeter at a Wal-Mart outside Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Is That a Vegetable in Your Pocket or Are You Just a Sex Ed Teacher?
Parents in Montgomery County, Maryland, are in an uproar over a new sex education course being offered to high school students. Among its more controversial elements is the way the class deals with the discussion of homosexuality. Also, it features a video in which a girl is shown fitting a condom onto a cucumber.

This really is outrageous!! Kids should be allowed to learn about sex the same way I did: From the sticky pages of tawdry magazines found under my dad's mattress!

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Don't They Usually Travel in Pairs?
Believe it or not, Janet Jackson's exposed breast continues to jiggle across the American landscape. It's latest victim is tonight's showing of Saving Private Ryan.

For the last several years, ABC has shown the Steven Spielberg's movie every Veterans Day. And under the terms of the agreement between the director and the TV network, the film is to be shown in its entirety, completely unedited and uncensored. In the past, this has not been a problem.

This year, in the wake of heavy fines imposed on local broadcasters that unwittingly aired Jackson's Super Bowl stunt, a number of TV stations have decided to pass on it. The reason? The movie is graphically violent and peppered with raw language. Consequently, the local station owners are afraid of getting hit with more fines.

Oh, puh-LEEZW!!!

American mothers and fathers don't care if with their little ones see a movie with graphic scenes of mass death, severed limbs, heads exploding into a cloud of red mist, and blood squirting every which way. Nor are they likely concerned with the occasional 'f*ck' or 'sh*t.' So no, violence is not a problem for parents.

However, heaven forbid that their precious little Percy should ever see a cucumber wearing a rubber.

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---------------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Britney With Child?
Rumors have surfaced that Britney Spears is pregnant. If true, and if it turns out to be a boy, that will mean that Spears will have TWO unemployed guys leeching off her.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitur

Bang! Bang! Oops!
An F-16 assigned to the DC national Guard strafed a school in New Jersey one night last week. An estimated 25 rounds hit the building's roof and several actually damaged a classroom below. Embarrassed Guard officials insist the incident was an accident.

Hmmm.... The plane just happened to fly out of Andrews Air Force Base, which is the same one President Bush uses.... And New Jersey just happened to vote for John Kerry....

Accident my ass!

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---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Good Grief!
Granted, I'm upset that Bush won, but I'm not THIS upset!!

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---------------Oliphant

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Redskins Finally Win Again
Amazingly, the Redskins have managed to win another game, beating the Detroit Lions 17-10. This is osmething of a surprise since Detroit was having a decent season going into today (4-3), compared to Washington's 2-5 record.

The winning touchdown actually came off a pass not by quarterback Mark Brunell, but by running back Clinton Portis. While this may sound surprising, it's really not. Portis is one of the few bright spots on the team's offense. Brunell, on the other hand, seems to have better luck completing passes to opposing players than to his fellow Redskins. So obviously the key to the Washington's passing game is to have someone other than the QB throw the ball.

Just Remember Not to Drink the Remote
The only way I've been able to get through the last several days is through the calming power of heavy drinking. And every time I would begin to sober up, I'd start thinking about how 59 million of my fellow citizens decided that strong moral values are the most important quality of a President and thus voted for a man who has repeatedly lied to them. Then I would start another bottle of Jack Daniels, and the insanity of their twisted logic would no longer matter.

Tomorrow night, however, I'll have to remember to let the alcohol induced haze lift long enough to catch the season premier of one of my favorite shows, Arrested Development. One reviewer describes it as "Dynasty as it might be rewritten for the Three Stooges if there were a dozen of them." That seems like a fairly accurate summation of the show.

Of course, it will be preceded by The Simpsons' annual "Treehouse of Horror" Halloween episode.... Even though, in a strictly technical sense, Halloween was LAST Sunday.

And after this magical hour is over, I'll be free to return to my drunken stupor.

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The Aftermath
Well, I think it's good that we've regained the world's respect.... And yes, that is the actual front page image of today's London Daily Mirror.

This election saw a tremendous effort by Democrats to get the youth vote out. Traditionally, that group has always been slow to participate in the political process for whatever reason. But many people felt that given the strong antiwar sentiment among America's young people, THIS would be the year they go to the polls and make themselves heard. A number of well known stars worked their tails off to that end. A group of musicians, including Springsteen, the Dixie Chicks, and John Mellencamp even went on tour to promote the importance of voting. A tremendous surge of anti-Bush voting was expected from this group, and pollsters even conceded that they had no way to measure the potential impact of this group.

So how did that whole youth vote thing work out, anyway?

Well, in 2000 the 18-29 year old demographic made up only 17% of voters. This year thanks to their overwhelming participation and interest in the future of our great nation, that percentage soared to a whopping, um, 17%.

In another year or two when the draft is reinstated, they had better not start whining about it.

In Retrospect
While my Nov. 1 prediction for the electoral college totals was way off, the forecast for the popular vote breakdown was remarkably close. My call was for a 52% to 46% split with a total of 122 million votes cast. That total is expected to approach 120 million once all the absentee and provisional ballots are counted, and the current breakdown of the popular vote is actually 51% to 48%! Not bad, eh?

Granted, I did kinda have the candidates backwards, but that's a relatively minor detail.

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---------------Michael ramirez, LA Times

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It's 5:00 A.M. Do You Know Who Your President Is?
Hmmm.... I sure hope none of you were dumb enough to put money on the election based on MY prediction....

Election Update

The big news of today is the huge voter turnout throughout the country, and I can vouch for that firsthand.

I got in line to vote at about 10:45 during what everyone had said was expected to be the slow part of the day. At that point the line was around the corner and down the block--and that was only the A-L line. There was a second line for the M-Z people on the other side of the building. I actually considered leaving and coming back later, but I decided it would only get worse later in the day.

So I stuck it out, and it ended up being about a 50 minute wait. When we finally got inside, we could see what the problem was: They only had two voter printouts, and there was a single poll worker handling each one. Consequently this was creating a huge backup in the line. Meanwhile, they had close to a dozen voting machines basically sitting idle. It was actually taking longer to process each voter than it was to vote once you were at the machine! They should have broken the list of names down further, perhaps into five or six portions of the alphabet.

On the other hand, this is how they handled it four years ago. But back then, the two lists were perfectly adequate and there was no line.

I should also add that while I live in a heavily Republican area (63% for Bush in 2000), there appeared to be a surprising number of Kerry supporters among the people in line around me.

Predictions and Predilections
Tomorrow is election day in the good ol' U.S. of A., and by now all the pundits with their fancy-schmancy degrees have weighed in. And their consensus as to the winner? It's too close to call!

Give me a freakin' break! You'd think these people with their "statistical dead heats" would have enough cajones to go out on a limb like I'll be doing in a moment!

But first: One of my favorite sites, electoral-vote.com (the site's color coded map appears to unavailable at the moment) has Kerry winning 298 electoral votes compared to Bush's 231, with 9 still too close to call. Incidentally, that site's previously anonymous owner has just been outed--and it turns out he lives in Amsterdam!

Although the various daily tracking polls have been all over the board during the past two months, there has been one consistent problem that has plagued all of them: They're not allowed to call cellphone numbers. And with an increasing portion of the population doing away their traditional landlines, that's a significant number. And since most of these people are young adults, a sizable majority of this unmeasured quantity can be expected go for Kerry.

That's why when all is said and done, this election will turn out to NOT have been as close as most people are currently expecting.

My predictions:

Total turnout: 122 million (compared with 106 million in 2000)

Popular votes:
52% for John Kerry
46% for George "I Coulda Sworn They Had WMD's" Bush
2% for Ralph Nader and the assorted other wacko gadflies

Electoral College (270 to win):
340 for John Kerry
(Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Florida will all go for Kerry.)
198 for George "Everything Is Going Great In Iraq
Provided You Ignore The Growing Pile Of Dead Bodies" Bush

As for my predilections, well, my lawyer is advising me to save those till after the trial.

The Election Is Over
Once again, the Washington Redskins have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory as they lose to the Green Bay Packers 28-14. It is absolutely amazing how the team with the best defense in the NFL can also have one of the worst offenses. That ain't easy, but the 'Skins make it work week after week.

Though I'm a Redskins fan, I'm glad they lost today. It means that this coming Tuesday, George W. Bush will NOT be reelected.

What the hell are you babbling about this time, Lugosi? Have you lost your mind? Are you off your medication again? Didn't the court say that if you stopped taking those pills you were going back to The Institute?

Yes, they did. But don't worry; I'm still on my meds. But the simple, indisputable fact is that ever since 1936, the Redskins have decided the outcome of presidential elections. When the team loses its last home game before election day, the incumbent party loses the White House. On the other hand, if they win the last home game prior to the election, the incumbent party wins as well.

Yes, it sounds crazy. But this rule has held true for the last 17 presidential elections, back to even when the Redskins played in--GASP!!!--BOSTON!!!! Even in 2000, though Bush lost the popular vote, the Redskins had beaten the Tennessee Titans 27-10 on Oct. 30 and thus foretold Al Gore's eventual loss of the various court challenges.

Add to this the fact the Red Sox broke the Curse of the Bambino and won the World Series under a lunar eclipse, and I would say that the cosmic forces of the universe are perfectly aligned for a stunning, come-from-behind victory by Ralph Nader on Nov. 2.

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---------------Nick Anderson, Louisville Courier-Journal

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Hey, Baby. Let Me Lather You Up in the Shower

Fox News' Bill O'Reilly has settled a sexual harassment suit out of court for an undisclosed sum. The charges had been brought by one of his producers, Andrea Mackris, and claimed that O'Reilly had made a number of late night phone calls that were highly suggestive and sexually explicit.

So? There's nothing wrong with that. I make phone calls like that all the time. But unlike that moron O'Reilly, I have enough common sense not to give the woman on the other end my name!! It's people like him who give us perverts a bad name!!

Anyway, the settlement will likely remain sealed, as these type things usually do. For his part, O'Reilly insists this was NOT an admission of guilt. He was just trying to "protect his family."

Yeah, right.

Actually, O'Reilly went about this all wrong. He should have just claimed that it wasn't actually his voice making the calls. He was just lip synching.

Well, It Is the New TV Season

Back in August I made a rather bold prediction: That Osama bin Laden would be found on Friday, Oct. 29--Four days before the presidential election. The idea was that Bush already had the terror leader in custody and was merely waiting to just before the election to unveil him, thereby assuring Mr. Bush of a second term.

So I'm driving along this afternoon listening to the local all-news station when you-know-who's name suddenly popped up. My heart actually skipped a beat before I realized they weren't actually about to announce bin Laden's capture. However, Osama did make an exciting new video that was aired on Al Jazeera at 5 PM DC time. This was big news since it was his first such communication in over a year. It's also the first time he has publicly confessed to the 9/11 hijackings.

No, it's not quite the news his actual capture would have been, but I think I'm entitled to partial credit for it.

Oh, and I'm off the hook on the brick thing.

E.T. Email Home

About a month ago I downloaded the Seti@Home program, and I finally completed my first data unit last night. And it only took 393 hours, 19 minutes, and 50.6 seconds! Of course, that's to be expected with a Commodore 64.

I'm still waiting to hear back from the people running the program, however, about my idea: I emailed them a suggestion that whoever's computer first finds evidence of an alien civilization should be allowed to name the new species. That's only fair, right? Plus, it can act as an incentive to get even more people to sign up for the program.

Of course, with my luck the Lugosians will turn out to be a benevolent race whose favorite book is something called "To Serve Man."

The 70s Return
After a 25 year absence from the top of the charts, Rod Stewart once again has the top selling album in the U.S.

Guess it's finally okay for me to wear that lime green polyester leisure suit again!

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Red Sox Nation
Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox, who have successfully ended the so-called "Curse of the Bambino." The hex, which supposedly began when the Sox sold Babe Ruth's contract to the Yankees, has haunted the team and its fans for 86 long years.

And they did so with an unprecedented run of eight consecutive post season victories. Oh, and the equally unprecedented cosmic alignment of the heavens no doubt helped as well, for last night also saw the first ever World Series game played during a lunar eclipse.

Was it luck, solid team work, or sorcery? Who knows, but I'm sure the recent spate of goat sacrifices in the Boston area was just a coincidence.

---------------Oliphant

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Maybe She Needs One of Those Purple Pills
Poor Ashlee Simpson. As most of the world now knows, she made a most memorable appearance on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. When she came out on stage for her second song, her band started to play and her lips began moving as scheduled (Video). Unfortunately, an entire different set of lyrics were mysteriously coming out of her mouth. In other words, she was lip synching, and got caught with her pants down when someone played the wrong tape (Song parody).

On the other hand, if her pants had actually been down, no one would have cared about the lip synching.

At first Simpson blamed an NBC tech for playing the wrong "guide vocal" tape, whatever that is. Then she said it was her drummer who screwed it up. And then came my personal favorite: Yesterday she said she had lost her voice because her acid reflux disease was acting up, and that's the only reason they were going to fake her performance.

At this rate, she'll soon have as many excuses for her faux pas as George W. Bush has for invading Iraq.

Rude But Helpful
The next time you get into a heated email/IM argument with someone and tell them to go to hell, you can provide them with a helpful link.



P.S.
Thanks to Espresso Sarcasm for the tip.

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---------------Cameron CardowOttawa Citizen

Are the End Times Upon Us?
The last time the Boston Red Sox were in the World Series was 1918. Two years later, the team's owner sold Babe Ruth's contract to the New York Yankees, and thus was born the Curse of the Bambino. The Babe, of course, went on to become the sport's greatest player after moving to New York. The Sox, on the other hand, have been unable to win another title despite making four more appearances in the Series. And unlike the hapless Chicago Cubs, Boston is not a bad team. They've made quite a few serious runs for the American League pennant, including last year.

Most people seem to be glad to see the Boston Red Sox in the World Series. They say they'd like to see "The Curse" end--assuming, of course, that there is such a thing.

However, researchers here at the Lugosi Institute have made a startling discovery which may soon change public opinion about the Sox. Remember Nostradamus, the prophet who lived back in the 1950's...? Or maybe it was the 1500's....

At any rate, my researchers have uncovered a previously unknown quatrain of his predictions which seems to foreshadow the current situation:

If the Sox Red should win the series of the world,
In our Lord the Savior's millennium the third,
Thus shall the Earth be finally curled,
Whilst the President of the land is dumber than a turd.

Now it's true that like much of Nostradamus' writings, the meaning of the preceding passage is open to interpretation. Nonetheless, it certainly does seem to at least imply that the planet will be torn asunder if the Red Sox win.

Call me overly cautious, but I'm rooting for St. Louis.

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---------------Oliphant

Shove It Up Your Blowhole
A Federal judge has ruled that whales have no legal standing and are thus unable to sue the government.

No immediate comment from Rosie O'Donnell.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitur

Hot, Steamin' Links
This is the time of year all the radio stations start playing Bobby "Boris" Pickett's "Monster Mash." In case you're tired of hearing it yet again, here's an updated, more timely version of it.

With only a week and half to go before the presidential election, an increasing number of experts are warning that the closeness of this year's balloting and subsequent legal challenges may make 2000 seem like a cakewalk. This is especially true since more states are relying on electronic ballots that may confuse some people.

If you happen to live in Florida, here's a helpful video of the Sunshine State's new system.

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---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

A Correction of Sorts
Evidently I'm getting old....

My post yesterday about Mary Cheney was actually prompted by a remark Alan Keyes recently made, and I had intended to make a reference to it. So what did I do? I completely left it out! So I've gone back and revised the entry to reflect Keyes' comment.

Now where did I leave the keyboard....?

---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

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Dick Cheney: "Tawdry" and a "Bad Man"
I realize politics is a dirty business, and very often all sides are guilty of distortions or outright lies. And yes, that would include the Democrats. But the smear job the Bush/Cheney people have done on John Kerry over the last few months goes far beyond anything anyone has done in the past.

Last week Dick and Lynne Cheney worked themselves into a lather huffing and puffing over John Kerry's reference to their daughter Mary, who is a lesbian. Kerry's statement was in no way derogatory. Indeed, if anything, it was a compliment to the Cheneys' strong family ties. Yet the Vice President and his wife called the reference "tawdry," and said that Kerry was a "bad man." Their main objection seemed to be that Kerry had no right to drag Mary's name into the political arena.

Huh?

On August 24th, during a town hall meeting in Davenport, Iowa, Dick Cheney himself said "Lynne and I have a gay daughter, so it's an issue our family is very familiar with" in response to a question about Bush's proposed constitutional amendment banning same sex marriages.

So why didn't Mrs. Cheney bop her husband over the head with her microphone and scream about how he's "tawdry" and a "bad man?"

But enough about Kerry's little remark. Did you hear what Alan Keyes, the Republican candidate for Senate in Ohio, said last month? In an interview on Sirius satellite radio, he called Dick Cheney's daughter a "selfish hedonist." So why didn't the Cheneys raise hell about that!?!

If this whole little "controversy" doesn't reek of a double standard, I don't know what does.

Who's Next?
A consensus seems to be building in Canada to halt the sale of prescription medicines to the United States. The feeling is that increased sales across the border may eventually lead to shortages in Canada itself.

Well, they had better not try that crap while Bush is still President, or the United States will invade Quebec and plunder their prescription drugs. And anyone who doubts we can pull that off needs to only look at our ongoing success in stealing Iraq's oil.

Why Couldn't They Have Lost Just One More Time?
Well, the stupid Redskins finally won a game. They beat "da Bears" 13-10, thus ending a four game losing streak. Normally I would be happy about this. Unfortunately, this is not one of those times, for I was actually hoping they would lose again.

The problem is that I had a great joke lined up had they dropped another game. I was going to write that "The Redskins are falling apart faster than Iraq." But the inconsiderate SOB's had to pick this week to start turning things around, thereby ruining the line.

Some people can be so rude!

---------------Steve Sack, Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Paging Tony Soprano
During Wednesday night's debate, President Bush said John Kerry was a fiscally irresponsible tax & spend liberal. It was this accusation that led to Kerry's comeback line of "Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country."

So guess what comes out in the news today: The Federal deficit for 2004 was a record $413 billion!!! The previous record was $377 billion--for 2003!!!

Those are President Bush's budgets, NOT Senator Kerry's. And the President still wants to give even more tax cuts?!?!

It takes some major balls of steel for Bush to call ANYONE fiscally irresponsible.

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Pass the Handcuffs
For anyone interested in catching up some episodes of Arrested Development, FX is airing six hours of it tomorrow (Saturday the 16th) beginning at noon. As I've said, it's one of the funniest shows on TV.

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---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

A Bouncing Baby Victim
Private Lynndie England, who became America's sweetheart through those touching Iraqi prison scandal photos, has given birth to a baby boy at the base hospital in Fort Bragg, North Carolina.

Miss England should be easy enough to spot. She'll be the one dragging a naked kid around at the end of a leash.

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---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

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Bubbie Vs. the GOP
There's nothing I enjoy more than a good Bush-bashing cartoon. Here's a new one someone just sent me.

Christopher Reeve, 1952-1954
The Washington Post had a very nice article on Christopher Reeve today.

---------------Scott Stantis, USAToday

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Vote Early, vote Often
I'm not sure exactly what it is, but there appears to be something just vaguely suspicious about Florida's new electronic ballot.



P.S.
Thanks to 'krazekristy' for the link.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Where's That 'Get Out of Jail Free' Card?
Martha Stewart has begun serving her five month sentence in a federal prison. She had requested a facility in either Connecticut or Florida, but inconsiderate government officials shipped her off to Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia (State motto: "Where men are men and sheep are scared").

Well, hopefully she likes banjo music.

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Post Debate Analysis
I don't know about you, but I feel pretty good about being led by a President who thinks it's called the "internets."

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---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon-Journal

The Reasons, They Are A-Changin'
It never ends.

Faced with a damning report from their own arms inspector that Saddam no longer had WMD's nor the means to manufacture them, Bush and Cheney have finally publicly conceded that their original reason for leading the nation into the Iraq war was wrong. But does that stop them from still trying to justify the invasion?

No, of course not. Now Bush is saying that the war was justified because Saddam was abusing the oil-for-food program.

If the situation weren't so serious, and dozens of innocent people weren't dying on a daily basis, and car bombs weren't going off in downtown Baghdad several times a week, and Iraq wasn't slipping into civil war, and the United States' credibility hadn't been left in shambles, and unrest weren't worsening throughout the middle east, and the price of oil hadn't topped $51 a barrel because of all the uncertainty, this constant evolution of reasons for going to war would be absolutely hilarious.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitur

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Click here for the 'R-rated' version

Did you catch the Cheney/Edwards debate last night? It was pretty good, and the two of them got a little testy at times. It came across as somewhat less formal than the presidential debate, and I'd like to see Bush and Kerry meet in such a format.

Incidentally, one of Cheney's principle shots at Senator Edwards was that the two of them had never met before. The implication was that Edwards was absent from the senate a lot since Cheney, in his role as President of the Senate, is there a lot.

Turns out, however, that the two of them HAD met before on at least three separate occasions.

I'm sure Cheney just made an honest mistake....

Always Remember to Duck at a Courtney Love Concert
Singer Courtney Love, facing assault charges for an incident earlier this year in which she threw a microphone stand into the audience, has come up with an interesting defense. According to papers filed with a Manhattan court, "It is common knowledge that many rock-and-roll artists act with abandon while performing and, in the spirit of the moment, engage in conduct posing a risk of physical injury to themselves as well as others."

I have to agree.

About 10 or 15 years ago my grandmother lost her license after driving her Chrysler New Yorker into the produce section of a grocery store. Consequently it fell to me to take her to a Barry Manilow concert she already tickets for. And let me tell you, it got pretty rowdy in that mosh pit! Granny climbed up on my shoulders, took off her top, and began flashing her breasts at the stage during "Copacabana." Then things kind of mellowed out for "I Made It Through The Rain," and everyone started holding up their lighters. Unfortunately, several audience members' Depends caught on fire.

But the scariest part came during the encore: Just as Manilow was finishing up "Mandy," he threw his grand piano into the audience. Somehow I fell down during the ensuing melee and ended up with a walker jammed up my ass.

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---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer

A Matter of Faith
Stupid Redskins lost 17-13 to the Cleveland freakin' Browns today. Granted, it was close, and in the end the 'Skins lost the game for the same reason they lost last week: They ran out of time outs.

Well, okay, I suppose that technically the reason Washington lost is that the other team had more points, but I really don't want to dwell on such minor details. And while some fans may be wavering in their faith, mine remains every bit as solid as the top of Mount St. Helens.

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Another Incriminating Document
Did you watch the debate the other night? Did you see President Bush taking notes and wonder what he was writing? CBS news has obtained the following document from an anonymous source--allegedly a custodian--at the University of Miami, where the debate was held. The document was reportedly found in the trashcan immediately next to the President's lecturn, and at least one drunk handwriting agrees that it could quite possibly maybe be in George W. Bush's handwriting.... Or that of a first grader.

Same difference, I suppose.

---------------in an email from Pat M.

---------------Oliphant

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A Gay Old Time
Yesterday the House of Representatives defeated another attempt to pass a constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriages. Republican leaders pushing the measure say that such unions pose a threat to the "sanctity of marriage."

Forget about the gays. The real threat to the sanctity of marriage is Britney Spears!!

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Lost & Not Found
The only new TV show of the season that has latched onto my somewhat limited attention span--and one of the top ones in the Neilsen ratings--is Lost. Basically, the show's premise is that 48 people have survived a plane crash onto some island in the Pacific. They were off course, so their chances for rescue are somewhat minimal. Oh, and there's some sort of hideous creature on the island. Although the people have heard it several times, no one has actually yet seen it.

Interspersed throughout the show are occasional flashbacks to the scene inside the cabin just prior to the crash. It's through them that we are learning about the backgrounds of some of the survivors.

It remains to be seen if the series' writers can maintain the show's quality for an entire season, and Lost may will end up "jumping the shark" if and when they finally show the creature, but for now it's a fun ride.

If you've missed it but want to see what the fuss is about, ABC is rerunning the first two episodes this Saturday (Oct. 2) night.

Batter Up!
I've never been much of a baseball fan, and what little I know of the game comes from repeated listenings of Meat Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

The Washington Senators left DC in 1971 when I was but a wee little lad. Perhaps if they hadn't departed for Texas, and I had grown up with them constantly in the news, I would feel differently about the game.

That said, I'm glad we're finally getting a team again. This city has changed a lot in the last 33 years. The DC metropolitan area is the 8th largest TV market in the nation and the biggest without a MLB team. And if a city like Cincinnati--the 33rd largest market--can have a baseball team, well by gosh, then we deserve one as well!!!!

The team still doesn't have a name, however. The name "Senators," which seems to be the top choice of most DC residents, is still controlled by the Texas Rangers. It's unclear at this point if they would be willing to relinquish control. Other suggested names that have popped up on various radio call in shows are the "Washington Monuments," the "Washington Statesmen," and the "Beltway Bandits." Personally I'd like to see them called the "Washington Money Grabbing Politicians Who Steal Our Hard Earned Money And Go Out And Hire Interns Who Can't Type Worth A Damn But Look Really Good In Kneepads."

Of course, we'd probably need bigger baseball caps.

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---------------Oliphant

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New Warnings for Florida
Astronomers have issued a warning to residents of southern Florida that Asteroid Bertha, currently a category III space rock, is expected to strike the Miami/Dade County area sometime this weekend. Beleaguered residents begin boarding up their windows.

Meanwhile, those living in the Tallahassee area are being warned to keep a wary eye on tropical meteorite Charlene, currently orbiting the Gulf of Mexico but likely to begin moving towards the Florida panhandle.

An Assteroid Kicking
Florida residents can breath a sigh of relief as Asteroid Allison has safely missed Earth.

In a related matter, Vice President Dick Cheney warns that if John Kerry is elected, mankind will be obliterated by a comet.

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One Wet Chick
Well, Jeanne certainly proved to be a wet one. The former hurricane and now tropical depression came through DC yesterday and dumped one hell of a lot of water on us. The "official" total recorded at Reagan National Airport was 2.6 inches, but areas to the west of the city were far in excess of that. For example, good ol' nearby Remington, which got hit by a tornado when Ivan's remnants rolled through the area 12 days ago, ended up with 5.6 inches yesterday. And while Jeanne was guilty of causing far more flooding than Ivan, at least she didn't drop any tornados on us.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Ivan, as you may recall, made landfall along the Alabama/Florida border, traveled up the east coast, and went back out to sea. But it wasn't quite done yet, as the stubborn storm went south again, crossed Florida, restrengthened in the Gulf of Mexico, and hit Texas as a tropical storm this past weekend. Ivan has since rained itself out and dissipated.

And Ivan has an additional claim to fame: It's 22 day lifespan ties it with 2002's Kyle for third place on the list of longest-lived hurricanes.

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Maybe He Thought the Bottle Was the Baseball
Los Angeles center fielder Milton Bradley lost his cool last night when a fan threw a bottle at him. He left his position, picked up the bottle, and threw it back into the stands. The umpire, however, wasn't too thrilled with this new game strategy and ejected Bradley from the game.

This whole incident is unfortunate for everyone involved. But if Bradley can't control his temper, he should just get out of baseball and go back to making board games.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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Damn Cowboys
It was a dark and dreary day in DC today, and not just because of the weather. You see, we Washington Redskins fans are usually easy to please. We don't ask for much except for our favorite them to beat the evil Dallas Cowboys whenever the two teams meet. Failing that, at least beat the bastards when they come to DC.... Especially when the game is on national freakin' TV!!!!

So what did the Redskins do last night? They lost.... To Dallas.... On Monday Night Football.... 21-18.

What's even worse, the Cowboys have now beaten us 13 of the last 14 times the two teams have met. And of the 18 times that a Bill Parcells coached team has come up against Joe Gibbs, the Parcells team has won 12.

So no, today was not a good day. Personally, I was so distraught, I considered jumping off my roof. I would have done it, too, except I'm scared of heights.