Don't They Usually Travel in Pairs?
Even though it's been six weeks since the infamous "Janet Jackson Incident" at the Super Bowl, her breast continues to jiggle its merry way across the American landscape, leaving death, destruction, and fines in its wake. At one point, a woman in Knoxville had gone as far as to file a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against CBS. Her take on the matter was that since CBS was broadcasting the game worldwide, it had adversely affected the "standing and credibility" of the United States in the international community.

Then someone explained to her that, thanks to Iraq, the US has no more standing or credibility, and she was forced to drop the suit.

The Federal Communications Commission has launched a major crackdown on violators of broadcast standards for obscenity, and broadcasters are scrambling to deal with the increased scrutiney.

As a direct consequence of Miss Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction," most actual "live" TV is probably a thing of the past. In the past month, both the Grammy Awards and the Oscars have instituted a five second delay. And Good Morning America, scheduled to have the overexposed Diva's entire body on the show later this month, is also going with a tape delay in case host Charles Gibson tries to a gander at the goods first hand.

Congress itself has not been immune to the hysteria, as the Senate recently held hearings during which the leaders of several media outlets were grilled. Even the notorious Howard Stern's syndicated radio show was dumped from six Viacom stations.

But as is the norm, all this concern by the government over what is decent is not without some hypocrisy. Take, for example, the official flag of the Commonwealth of Virginia. It is a noble symbol, certainly worthy of the state that gave us George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. The flag features the Roman goddess Virtus, standing triumphant over the prone body of some nameless tyrant.

Unfortunately, Miss Virtus must have had a tough battle on her hands, for she is looking somewhat disheveled and--most disturbingly--her left tit is hanging out for all the world to see.

Perhaps her toga experienced a wardrobe malfunction.

The New Chrysler Voyeur Minivan
The other evening I was stuck in traffic and was confronted by a question of etiquette. Miss Manners wasn't available at the time, and rather than risk a serious breach of social protocol, I chickened out.

The situation was that I was sitting behind a minivan with one of those "in-car" DVD players in it. I'm pretty sure they were watching Finding Nemo, but since I haven't yet seen it, I couldn't be absolutely sure. And since it was in a whole other vehicle, I couldn't hear the actual dialogue.

We were all going nowhere fast, so I thought about actually walking up to the driver's side window, tapping on it, and politely asking them to switch on the "subtitles" option so I could follow the action. In the end, however, I decided I didn't want to risk getting maced, so I did nothing. And let me assure you, lip reading a damn fish is not easy!

I was reminded of this incident because I just heard a report on the radio about how some drivers have actually seen X-rated films being viewed in their fellow motorists' cars. This seems like a risky proposition, especially if you're a guy and you're driving a five-speed. You go to shift, and you could end up grabbing the wrong stick!

What is this society coming to, when people end up watching dirty movies in their cars? And why oh why can't I ever get stuck behind one of them?

Cream & Sugar?
New research strongly suggests that you can ward off Diabetes by drinking lots of coffee. In fact, ten cups of java a day can lower a man's risk by 55%.

On the other hand, you'll eventually end up dying of a heart attack while running to the bathroom.

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Passions
The Passion of the Christ continues to rack up astounding totals at the box office. Passion even managed to handily beat Starsky and Hutch during its opening weekend. This was probably pre-ordained, however, since everyone knows those two are probably gay, retired from the police force by now, and waiting in line to get married in San Francisco.

Still, all this talk lately about religion has forced me to reexamine my own spirituality. And I I'm not afraid to admit that I've slipped over the years, and need to be reminded of the life and times of our savior. However, I still don't feel like I could sit through the gruesome scenes of torture that permeate The Passion of the Christ.

So instead I'm going to rent Life of Brian and watch that tonight.

Fun, Sun, & Incoming Mortar Rounds
Fortunately it has stopped snowing. I was starting to get worried that the weather would screw up my vacation plans.

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Fleeing the Magic Kingdom

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

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He Needed That Like a He Needs a Hole in the Head
An Australian handyman accidentally shot himself in the head with a nailgun while goofing around with his buddies. Brad Shorten says he picked up the tool, which had been disconnected from the compressor, pointed it at his head, and pulled the trigger.
That's when Shorten discovered that pressure can remain in a nailgun even after you think it's safe to do really stupid things with it.

Surprisingly, alcohol was involved.

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Flakes
The weather forecast for today was 45 degrees and chance of showers. No mention of snow, which is what has been falling for the last two hours or so. It's not sticking just yet, but we'll see what happens as the day goes on.

My greatest fear is that if this keeps up for a few months, we'll be reduced to starving mobs, roaming the countryside in a desperate search for food, until we are finally forced to resort to cannibalism in a desperate bid to survive. But that's okay, because there are plenty of old people around here, and they can't move very fast.

So Much for His Vegan Diet
The Democratic Presidential field has been thrown into total turmoil with the hospitalization of Dennis Kucinich. This setback to his candidacy comes just as the diminutive congressman with the proportionally oversized head was set to overtake John Kerry.

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A Fate Worse Than Death?
Convicted last fall of masterminding the 2002 DC sniper shootings, John Allen Malvo has now been sentenced to death. Unfortunately, Virginia uses lethal injections, which generally make for a quick and painless end.

But when considers the horror, the fear, and the randomness of those shootings, such a method of execution seems much too humane.

I say we stick him in the same jail cell with Martha.

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Packing Heat

Death, mayhem, and brutality for brutality's sake..... Yes, all is right with the world as The Sopranos returns tonight. So if any of you come looking for me on Sunday nights for the next three months or so, you'll be able to find me on the sofa watching Tony and the gang.... With a baseball bat at my side in case any of you do show up looking for me.

So much of broadcast TV a vast, empty wasteland completely devoid of intelligent life. Indeed, it's almost as bad as the surface of Mars. And the situation is only going to get worse: Angel, arguably the best written show on commercial television, has been canceled by the geniuses at the WB; ABC has already announced that Karen Sisco won't be back at all; and the future of Fox's Arrested Development is in doubtful at best. That leaves The Simpsons as the one show I'll be watching come next season.

That's what makes HBO and The Sopranos all the more precious. Sure, it's a violent and dysfunctional family, but that only serves to make you appreciate your own relatives' foibles more.

Even more importantly, I'm willing to bet your mother hasn't tried to have you whacked.

Guilty
Martha Stewart has been found guilty on all counts, including conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and being an annoying self-righteous little "Miss Perfect." Even so, Stewart still has legions of fans who, for whatever reasons, continue to support her. One has to wonder if these people realize that if they invest in the stock market and one of their holdings is about to take a major hit, no one is going to bother to call them and warn them to sell. And in the end, that's what this trial was all about: Preferential treatment for a celebrity that you and I would never have been entitled to.

Personally, I'm hoping her execution is televised.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Smile for the Camera
The Bush campaign has unveiled its first round of reelection campaign ads. One of them, which uses footage from the immediate aftermath of the 9-11 attacks is proving quite controversial. The Bush Campaign, however, is defending the commercial and insists it will not be pulled.

That's nice, but if you have to take time to explain your campaign ads, and defend their message, shouldn't that be a clue that maybe there's a problem?

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next round of commercials which will show the President warning about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, and feature footage from his carrier landing with the "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.

Kicking Asteroid
The US House of Representatives is considering a bill that would give amateur astronomers a $3,000 reward for discovering near-Earth asteroids.

Huh? Only $3,000? I'm sorry, but if I suddenly come across information that could save billions of lives, potentially avert extinction of all mankind, and save civilization as we know it, I'm holding out for at least five thousand.

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Opening Salvos Coming Soon

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Janet Vs. Hillary
Sometimes you find the darnedest things in your email....

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Indecision Y2K+4
John Kerry made a virtual clean sweep of Tuesday's primaries, with the one exception being Vermont. Howard Dean, who is no longer even a candidate, won his home state. One can only conclude from this that the people of the Green Mountain State are either highly principled or extremely ignorant--sometimes it's a fine line between the two.

Because of his disappointing showing yesterday, Senator John Edwards is expected to throw in the towel and end his own quest for the Democratic presidential nomination.

That will leave it a two man race between Kerry and Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich, who is expected to make his move any day now.

Easily Impressed
Excited NASA scientists were just about tripping over one another's pocket protectors after one of the Mars rovers discovered irrefutable proof that the Red Planet once possessed flowing water.

Whoop-ti-do.

Now if the rover can send back some pictures of well-endowed three breasted alien babes clad only in hot pink bikinis, THEN I'll get excited!

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Is That Why Abdul Always Rides Camels Sidesaddle?
The good news is that the Iraqi Governing Council has voted to adopt a new Constitution.

The bad news is that it permits gay marriage.

To Blog Or Not to Blog, That Is the Question
A new study from The People Who Do Stupid Studies Because They Have Way Too Much Damn Time On Their Hands suggests that blogging is yet to catch on among the general population. According to the results of the survey, only 2%-7% of adults keep the online journals, and only a small minority of them update them daily.

No explanation is given for the wide range in percentages, but it's probably due to idiots who keep multiple blogs while pretending to be someone they're not.

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Remembering Willie

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Surprise Endorsement
In a surprise move, the renown ultra-liberal comic strip Doonesbury has endorsed President Bush for a second term. No word yet how this will affect the candidacy of Dennis Kucinich.

If You Pick It, Oscar Will Never Heal
Everyone else seems to offering their Oscar predictions, so I may as well, too.

Best picture is probably the one major category with little or no competition, so I feel fairly confident in saying that Gigli won't be winning.

Best actor is a tough one, but I'm going to pick Benn Affleck as the big non-winner of this one.

Best actress? It's safe to say it won't be Bette Davis. She's been dead 20 years.

Best director? Whoever directed Gigli. Indeed, I expect that film not to win any awards.

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The Democratic Debates
I hate referring people to someone who's funnier than me (which explains why I so rarely refer you to other sites), but The Leading Brand Blog has an absolutely hilarious sendup of Thursday night's California debate between the remaining Democratic candidates (Thanks to Daniella for the tip).

Wonder if Ellen DeGenres Caught the Bouquet?
Congratulations are in order to Rosie O'Donnell, who yesterday wed longtime girlfriend Kelli Carpenter in San Francisco. It's good to see this lovely couple finally make their relationship legal.

In California.

For the time being.

The wedding reception afterwards was marred by some hard feelings when Rosie wolfed down the entire wedding cake and half the buffet table by herself, forcing some guests to call Domino's.

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Non Sequitur

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Safer Today?
CIA Director George Tenet testified before a Senate Committee earlier this week. Asked if Americans are safer today than we were a year ago, Tenet said we are.

The CIA, as the United States' principle intelligence organization, is also the intelligence organization most responsible for the assessment of Saddam's WMD capabilities.

That's it then. We're doomed.

Forefathers Without Foresight

----------Oliphant

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Campaign Roundup
John Kerry has now added the heavily Mormon state of Utah to his list of primary wins. A demographic breakdown of the balloting shows that 12,387 married men voted in the primary as compared to 107,383 married women.

And in a further sign that he by far and away the Democratic frontrunner, the Secret Service has begun providing Kerry with protection. This service is provided to all major presidentlial candidates.

Considering how much most Democrats hate Ralph Nader, maybe he should be protected as well.

----------Steve Breen, San Diego Union-Tribune

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And a True Item
Now I don't usually go for sappy, happy ending type stories, but an exception is in order for this one .

Yes, I Know I'm Going to Burn for This
Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ opened in theaters across the country today. The movie has generated intense advance controversy because it depicts Jesus trying to avoid crucifixion by joining the Texas Air National Guard.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Why Vegetararians Use More Bandaids
Recent studies show that vegetarians, on average, die sooner than those of us who aren't so picky about what we consume. Oh, they're healthier right up until the end. The problem arises when their smarmy attitude eventually gets them stabbed by someone eating a hamburger.

Revisionist History....
....Or perhaps "revisionist future" would be more accurate. I found a disturbing tale of George Lucas' latest wacky antics at the Coffee Achiever blog. Apparently, the upcoming Star Wars trilogy DVD release is NOT going to be of the Special Edition films after all, but rather a new SPECIAL Special Edition!!

If you'll excuse now, I'm going to go heave my guts.

Where's my bucket?

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Hard to Keep a Good Dictator Down
Yahoo unveiled its new "Google-free" search engine today. And it has netted some disappointing results.

As hard as I have tried to kill off Saddam, his Cyber Palace shows up in the #11 position on the first page of a Yahoo search for "Saddam Hussein."

Google at least has the good sense to list it on the second page of its search results.

Either way, if David Kay was relying on search engines to find those alleged WMD's, this may explain why he came up empty handed.

Pass the Fly Swatter
That's it then. Nader is now officially a gadfly.

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Is Ralph Nader a Republican?
Word is that Ralph Nader is about to announce that he's once again running for President. A lot of people will argue that he drew enough from Al Gore in 2000 that some close states were thrown into Bush's column. That was certainly the case in Florida. And in another close race, he would be far more likely to draw votes from Kerry than from Bush. Fortunately, some former Nader voters are beginning to see the error of their ways.

Now for some clarification: I didn't mind Nader's run in 2000. As I've said before, I've always been a Republican. I make no secret of having supported Bush four years ago. I was damn glad he was the one in the White House on 9-11 instead of Al "Mr. Earthtones" Gore, and I thought our initial foray into Afghanistan was brilliantly executed. Consequently, I also backed his decision (though with some reluctance) to go after Saddam. What little hesitation I may have had was simply th efact that we hadn't gotten Osama yet. But the case he and Powell put forth against Iraq certainly seemed compelling at the time. After all, this was our country's leadership, with all sorts of intelligence at their fingertips, so they must know what they're talking about. Right?

But now I feel like a salesman sold me a creampuff of a used car previously owned by a little old lady who drove it once a week to church, only to find out that it was actually owned by a gang of drug dealers that routinely engaged in drive-by shootings, used the car in illegal street racing, and wrecked it six times.

Last night I even dreamt Bush was wearing a plaid sportcoat and trying to sell the American people undercoating.

In the last year, the President has managed to squander all the goodwill that the world bestowed upon us after 9-11, destroyed our international alliances, left Iraq in a state of near anarchy, and flushed our country's credibility down the toilet. It will take years for the United States' standing in the world to recover from this fiasco.

Bush continues to insist that the war in Iraq was justified. But why? Certainly not on the basis of preventing the spread of weapons of mass destruction, for none have been found. In fact, evidence is mounting that Hussein hasn't had WMD's in years. So now our President is reduced to calling Saddam a bad man. Well, okay, that's certianly true. But there are a lot of bad men (not that I'm pointing fingers) leading countries, but we don't routinely go around invading them.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Of the ten original Democratic candidates, I had long favored John Kerry. Now it seems he's well on his way to winning his party's nomination. And if recent polls are to be believed, he also stands a very real chance of winning in November. So things were looking good.

That is, until Nader reared his ugly head.

One can only hope that the far lefties who previously voted for him will see the folly of their ways and vote for Kerry. He's the one person with a realistic chance of winning who can restore credibility to this nation.

Does the CIA Know About This?
A mad cow found in Washington state.... Avian flu in Deleware and New Jersey.... Green Onions contaminated with Salmonella in several states....

Hell, maybe Iraq should be invading us in a hunt for biological weapons!

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Did The Aliens Have Work Permits?
Today is the fiftieth anniversary of President Eisenhower's secret meeting with extraterrestrials.... Or maybe it was just a human dentist.

A former college professor who may have been a little too liberal in his experimentation with recreational drugs during the 60's claims that Ike met with two non-Mexican aliens at a California Air Force Base on Feb. 20, 1954. Predictably, officials at the Dwight D. Eisenhower Library say there is no record of this, but that the former General did chip a tooth at dinner which required immediate attention.

The Birds and the.... Kangaroos?

"Not Now Kid. Can't You See I'm Busy?"

Campaign Roundup
Did you see that flaming ball of fire screaming through the sky last night? Air Force officials tracked its impact site to somewhere in New England, and government officials quickly descended on the area. Now NASA scientists and political pundits at the scene have identified the still smoldering piles of debris as what's left of the once high-flying Howard Dean campaign. No injuries were reported, except for the severely bruised ego of a former Vermont governor.

----------Walt Handelsman, New York Newsday

And though Dean may be bowing out of the Presidential race, it appears that Dennis Kucinich may finally have turned his struggling campaign around. The tiny congressman from Munchkinland has at last managed to beat Al Sharpton, having garnered almost twice as many votes as the good reverend.

But the big surprise was the contest between the two men who actually have a snowball's chance in hell of winning the nomination, John Kerry and John Edwards. Kerry was expected to take Wisconsin handily; instead, he barely beat out the good old boy from North Carolina. Consequently the race will continue till at least March 2, when 10 states will be voting.

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Economics 101 Roundup
Both Kerry and Edwards have been blaming Bush for the languishing economy. In an effort to diffuse that as a campaign issue, President Bush continues to insist that an economic recovery is well underway, and that American businesses will be adding 2.6 million jobs this year.

Unfortunately, those jobs will be in India.

Hung Like a What?
In what can only be described as yet another reason to sign up for HBO, Fox TV has announced plans for a remake of the 1960's series about a talking horse, Mr.Ed. Sherman "The Jeffersons" Hemsley will give voice to the mutant equine.

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Outlook Not So Good
In what some political observers view as a desperate move, Howard Dean has fired his national campaign chairman, Steve Grossman. It was Grossman who last week suggested that Dean would drop out of the race if he lost today's Wisconsin primary. This latest shakeup comes less than a month after the candidate fired campaign manager Joe Trippi following the loss in New Hampshire.

Meanwhile, reporters continue to pepper Grossman's replacement, a magic 8 ball, with questions about the former governor's plans if he does, in fact, lose today. However, the only answer they can get is "reply hazy, ask again later."

Careful Where You Sit
A lot is being made of that photo of John Kerry with Jane Fonda at an anti-war rally in the early 70's. First of all, he's sitting a good ten yards from her, so it's not like they're rolling around in the grass with one another.

Secondly, unlike some people who finagled their way into the National Guard, Kerry actually went to Vietnam, fought in combat, and earned himself a Bronze Star, a Silver Star, and three Purple Hearts in the process.

I'd say that entitles Mr. Kerry to sit any damn place he wants.

----------Swiped from Little Tiny Lies

Thirdly, is it just me, or does Jane Fonda have an especially sexy pair of nostrils?

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Dead Presidents Day
The term "dead presidents," as used in the description of money, originated with rap artists. The only problem is that while the term may apply to most denominations of bills and coins, it doesn't apply to all of them.

Specifically, the hundred dollar bill has a picture of Ben Franklin on it, while the ten has Alexander Hamilton. Neither of them ever served as President of these or any other United States.

Guess those rap stars aren't as smart as they seem.... But don't tell them I said that.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Fred and Barney Are the Ones I've Always Wondered About
Perhaps it's a sign of the times, or just another symptom of the decline of family values, but longtime lovers Ken and Barbie are splitting up. No official explanation from Mattel on exactly why, but rumor has it that G.I. Joe was involved in the breakup.

That's right: He and Ken are off to Massachusetts to get married.

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Oh Mickey
Even though its proposed buyout is far from a done deal, Comcast Cable has announced that it plans on making some major changes to Disney's operating procedures. For example, if you plan on visiting Disney World, you will be required to book an appointment at least a week ahead of time. Then on the day of your actual visit, you'll have to wait in line for the ride operator to show up some time between the hours of 11 A.M. and 5 P.M.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Hamming It Up
This business of celebrities exposing themselves is getting WAY out of hand!!

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Grounded Again
British Airways has canceled its flight 223 from Heathrow to Dulles again. No, not today's, and not tomorrow's either. The canceled flight is Sunday's.

Well, let's hope the terrorists don't get wind of this and rebook their trips.

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A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss
It was 39 years ago today that the Rolling Stones appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show. Prior to the group's appearance, Sullivan had asked Mick Jagger to change the lyrics "let's spend the night together" to "let's spend some time together" so as not to offend anyone in the audience.

Wouldn't it have been a hoot if Janet Jackson had been around back then?

Primary Hopes
I had hoped to vote for Carole Mosely-Braun in yesterday's Virginia primary, but her name was already off the ballot. So then I was tempted to go with Dennis Kucinich because I feel sorry for him. I mean, it must be downright embarrassing to end up with fewer votes than Al Sharpton (Virginia totals). And in Tennessee, the little guy not only got beat by Sharpton, but he actually ended up losing to Moseley-Braun as well!!

And Clark is the one dropping out of the race today!?!?!

Anyway, I finally ended up voting for John "the Comeback Kid" Kerry. In the final analysis, he seems to have the best chance of defeating George "Oops, I Thought There Were WMD's Over There" Bush.

What most annoys me about the coverage of yesterday's primary is the description of Virginia as a "southern state." Now THAT's embarrassing! (Maybe not as much as losing to someone who dropped out of the race a month ago, but still....!

Over 30% of the Old Dominion's population lives in northern Virginia, immediately outside of DC. Fairfax County alone has just over a million residents within its borders, and is consistently ranked as one the country's richest and most educated counties. And in terms of its ethnic makeup, Northern Virginia is as diverse as any big city in the US. So I'm not entirely sure what the media means when it refers to "southern states," but it sounds vaguely insulting and certainly not applicable to a substantial number of people in the state.

Hell, I even have most of my teeth.

A Brief History Lesson
Today marks the 40th anniversary of the Beatles' first appearance (in 1964, in case you're math-impaired) on the Ed Sullivan Show, an event largely credited with launching the British Invasion. Things quickly went downhill for American music after that, and by the beginning of summer the English were laying siege to Fort McHenry outside Baltimore Harbor. In fact, it was Francis Scott Keyes capture by the Rolling Stones that inspired him to write "The Star Spangled Banner."

By the summer of 1965, the tide of battle had changed and American forces under the command of Elvis Presley began reclaiming the Top 40 charts.

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Funny Candidate
John Edwards was on David Letterman last Thursday to deliver the top 10 "Things Never Said by a Presidential Candidate:"

10. "Vote for me or I'll slash your tires."
9. "Forget universal health care -- I'm buying every American an Xbox."
8. "In a crisis, I ask myself, 'What would Tony Danza do?' "
7. "I'd give you my plan for economic recovery if I wasn't rip-stinkin' drunk."
6. "If your last name begins with M through Z, your taxes are doubling."
5. "We're gonna cut the deficit by selling North Dakota to Canada."
4. "I have tons of experience from being president of the Burt Reynolds Fan Club."
3. "Lady, that is one ugly baby."
2. "When I'm president, I'm putting Regis [ Philbin] on Mount Rushmore."
1. "Read my lips: No new wardrobe malfunctions."

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Where Will You Be When Your diarrhea Hits?
The Boeing 747 made its first flight on this day in 1969. Equipped with 12 bathrooms for as many as 400 passengers, the plane gave new meaning to the term "holding pattern."

It's Called the Boob Tube for a Reason
John Kerry has picked up another important endorsement from Virginia Governor Mark Warner. This comes just in time for his state's primary on Tuesday. This comes on the heels of former candidate Dick Gephardt's endorsement a few days ago. While it would certainly appear that the Kerry Express has become an unstoppable force, most political analysts are withholding final judgment until Janet Jackson's breast announces who it plans to back for President.

Meanwhile, the fallout from that little exhibition last Sunday continues to be felt. Jackson was bumped as a presenter from tonight's Grammy Awards, and CBS had to scramble to develop some sort of video delay in case anyone else decided to use the opportunity of a live telecast to exhibit their bad manners. The producers of the Academy Awards show, scheduled for February 29, are doing the same.

On the other hand, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles have issued statements saying they don't see what the fuss is all about.

But really, was what Jackson did all that horrible? The Super Bowl, after all, featured ads with crotch-biting dogs and farting horses. And there were several spots for erectile dysfunction medicines.... Which, come to think of it, would have come in handy during the halftime show.

And why are they even advertising ED remedies on TV? Isn't that why we have spam?

It is unfortunate that some big name celebrities don't know how to behave like adults. So what, then, is our fascination with those who have achieved fame and fortune? Perhaps it's because that we're nobodies who will never be anybody, and watching the somebodies of the world make asses of themselves somehow levels the playing field.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Anybody Seen Dennis?
The Federal Election Commision has issued an Amber Alert for Dennis Kucinich's candidacy. It was last seen in Iowa about two weeks ago.

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Decisions, Decisions

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Slip Slidin' Away
Well, the weather forecasters did not disappoint. It was quite icy this morning. In fact, I was slipping and sliding so much, Tonya Harding showed up and tried to whack my knee with a lead pipe.

Well, another wintry forecast is in the cards. We're expected to get a mix of snow, sleet, and freezing rain overnight. While it's all supposed to switch over to plain rain by noon tomorrow, the morning rush hour will no doubt be a mess. Consequently, this seems as good a time as any to present:

Lugosi's Winter Driving Tips

1) Before taking to the road, clean all snow from your windows, headlights, and taillights. This maximizes your own visibility, as well as maximizing the ability of others to see you.

2) Also clean the snow off the roof of your car. This is not only a courtesy to those behind you by preventing the launch of "snowbombs," but it keeps the snow from sliding down onto your own windshield if you have to make an abrupt stop.

3) While the defroster usually works well keeping the bottom half of your windshield from icing up, the top off can be a different story. Lower your sun visor to trap the warm air coming from the defroster. This will enable you to keep the entire windshield clear.

4) There is nothing worse than freezing to death in a dark, snowbound car. Keep a blanket and flashlight in your vehicle for emergencies.

5) During the winter, people are often faced with snow covered sidewalks and end up walking in the street. If coming up behind an unsuspecting pedestrian, gun your engine to let them know you're back there. The agile ones will quickly scamper out of your way, providing them with valuable exercise.

6) If the roads are icy, drive as fast as you can. If necessary, weave in and out of traffic to get around slower cars and school busses. This enables you to get to your destination faster and minimizes your exposure to dangerous road conditions.

7) If an aging, washed up, has-been singer approaches your car and flashes her jewelry covered breast at you, don't be offended. She just wants attention, so humor her by calling the FCC.

Choices
I can't decide which I like better: The picture of John Kerry that's on the new twenty dollar bill, or the one that's on the old twenties.

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Bird Flu Spreads
Worried healthcare experts are having a difficult time containing the spread of the "bird flu" currently sweeping China and southern Asia.

Apparently, a lot of chickens are grossed out by the idea of eating chicken soup.

Erection Update
Well, John Edwards has racked up his first primary win in South Carolina. John Kerry, however, has added another four states to his win column. And word is that Joe Lieberman, who had hoped to win in Deleware, is dropping out of the race after failing to do so.

And once again, former annointed savior of the Democratic party Howard Dean remains in search of his first victory. In tonight's concession speech, the former Vermont governor sought to rally his campaign workers with a few words of inspiration, vowing to carry the fight on to Michigan, Virginia, Tennessee, and Washington state.

Then he exposed his right nipple to the crowd.

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Good Thing He Didn't Have a Cucumber
Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight, whose famous temper got him fired from Indiana, is back in the news. He reportedly encountered Tech Chancellor David Smith in a grocery store. Some sort of disagreement ensued, quickly escalated into a verbal exchange, and finally came to a head when Knight beat Smith senseless with a box of frozen bratwurst.

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Someone Got an Eyeful

----------Walt Handelsman, Long Island, Newsday

Only the Shadow Knows
Late word from the Afghan-Pakistani border is that Osama saw his shadow today when he briefly crawled out of his cave.

Guess that means we're in for six more weeks of terror alerts.

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Sometimes My Trenchcoat Malfunctions Like That
Why do I always miss the good stuff? I watched pretty much all of the Super Bowl last night, including the ads. But I figured the halftime show would be a good time to take a break. And what happens? I end up missing the best part of the game!

Of course, I'm referring to the part where Janet Jackson's boob popped out. The first I heard of this was on the radio this morning, and my first thought was "What was her brother Michael doing at the game?" Then I realized they were talking about her breast! Singer Justin Timberlake, apparently still upset he's not getting any anymore from Britney Spears, somehow tore Janet's top and caused her splendor to spill out in all its glory and across America's TV screens. Today he apologized for the incident and called it a "wardrobe malfunction."

Fortunately, I did tape the game, so I'll be able to go back and review the incident for myself. Over and over and over and over and....

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Strategic Placement
The following photo of John Kerry ran in the Washington Post a few days ago. He was trying to see if anyone was home. Presumably, if he had seen someone inside attempting to hide, Kerry would have kicked in the door and sought to win another vote that way. As it stands, the photo is mildly amusing.

However, if that snow shovel's handle had been at a slightly different angle, it would have been a great photo.... Not to mention boosting Kerry's popularity among women.

Well, There's Always the Balcony
Now THAT was a football game!!!

My Super Bowl party, however, didn't quite turn out the way I had hoped....

In the interest of good health and nutrition, and as my contribution to the war on obesity, I bought a bunch of those fat-free chips made with Olestra. Oh, and several pounds of bean dip.

In retrospect, such a menu for 15 people in an apartment with only one bathroom was not a good idea.

If You Pick It, It Will Never Heal
Before I forget, here's my Super Bowl pick: The Carolina Panthers. And no, I don't do point spreads. After all, a win is a win is a win, which is something Howard Dean won't be doing any time soon.

My reason for picking Carolina is quite simple, actually: Running back Stephen Davis.

Davis is a former Washington Redskin who was let go by the team because he didn't fit into then coach Steve Spurrier's plans for ruining the team. And a few years prior to that, Washington let QB Brad Johnson slip away, and he eventually led Tampa Bay to a Super Bowl victory.

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No, Not That Kind of Movie for Grown Ups
The AARP has selected "Mystic River" as its 2003 winner of The Best Movies for Grownups Award. Selected as best actor and actress were Bill Murray ("Lost in Translation") and Diane Keaton ("Something's Got to Give").

Coming in second place for best picture was "Dude, Where's My Walker?"

Oopsies!

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Hey Baby. Wanna See My Candy Cane?
A judge has ordered music producer R. Kelly, who is facing charges of child pornography, to avoid all contact with Michael Jackson. The judge issued the order as a precaution, since Kelly will be attending the Grammy awards. And while Jackson has not indicated he will go, there is still the possibility he may show up.

This is a wise move by the courts. You certainly wouldn't want these two sharing child molestation tips!

Don't I Know You?
Is it just me, or does James Brown look an awful lot like Saddam Hussein with a really good tan?

----------USAToday

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Went to the Fights & a Hockey game Broke Out
No doubt many wusses will be appalled by this, but I have to admire Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis. He endured numerous taunts and jeers from a fan a few nights ago during the Philadelphia game. Afterwards, the loudmouth went by the owners box to continue his antics. Leonsis, however, had had enough and proceeded to kick 20 year old Jason Hammer's ass.

In contrast, the best that pipsqueak Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, could hope to do is maybe bite someone on the ankle.

Tit for Tat
Every now and then a story comes along that puts our world's seemingly insurmountable problems--poverty, homlessness, record deficits, misplaced weapons of mass destruction--seem petty by comparison. For example, who can worry about starving kids in Bengladesh when Jordan's 34FF breasts are in danger of exploding?

For the uninitiated, Jordan is a rather well endowed (yes, I honestly believe they're real) British model. She recently departed for an Australian rain forest to participate in the filming of the latest I'm a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here! Some doctors are concerned that if leeches should attach themselves to her breasts, they may become inflamed and explode!

Her breasts, I mean. Not the leeches.

Perhaps I should volunteer to go along and provide any necessary first aid.

Odds & Ends
Sorry I haven't posted much today, but I just spent the last five hours deleting the 5,947 emails I received courtesy of the MyDoom worm....

The Winter That Won't End has delivered a pretty good hit on much of the nation. Here in DC we got about six inches of snow Sunday night, followed by about a day and a half of freezing drizzle. Then for good measure, we wrapped it all up with another inch or two of snow earlier this evening. Still, compared to some other areas effected by this same storm, we got off easy.

One thing you can count on when the weather turns treacherous like this is morons getting behind the wheel and driving at 60 mph. Then they look absolutely bewildered when they end up upside down in the median strip.

Yesterday morning I watched a guy in a Honda almost rear end a car. He came down a hill towards traffic stopped at a red light. In keeping with the Idiots Code of Honor, Mr. Honda waited till the last possible to step on his brakes. Unable to stop on his own, he ends up running into the piles of snow along the side of the road. Finally, he's able to come to a complete stop without hitting any other cars.

Now most people in this situation would thank their lucky stars for not getting involved in an accident and perhaps even learn a lesson, but not Mr. Honda. As soon as the light turned green and we started moving, he got right up on the bumper of the car in front of him. Then he darted into the center lane, passed the stupid rational driver, and zipped back into the right lane to tailgate someone else.

Then early this morning, I was driving along at about 35 or 40 mph, which is pretty much what the rest of the very few other cars out at 5:30 AM were doing. And with all the slush and slick spots on even the main highways, that was the best one could safely do. Then an older Chevy comes blowing by us at about sixty.

A few miles later I saw a set of taillights sitting at the bottom of a ten foot embankment. It was the old Chevy. If I had been able to safely stop, I would have.

No, not to render assistance. Rather, I would have politely asked the driver if he's stupid. Then again, the answer to that is so obvious that my question would in and of itself been stupid.

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Back from the Dead
Congratulations to Senator John Kerry on his victory in New Hampshire. Three weeks ago the man was written off as politically dead, having gone as far as to mortgage his home to remain in the campaign. And now, with two victories under his belt, he is suddenly the Democratic frontrunner.

Meanwhile, former governor Howard Dean delivered a gracious concession speech. Then he stripped off his clothes and began signing a medley of songs from "Cats."

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Paar for the Course
Jack Paar, who preceded Johnny Carson as host of The Tonight Show, has signed off for the last time.

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Poor Howard

----------Oliphant

Probe This
The Opportunity Spacecraft has successfully landed on Mars and begun returning pictures of its surroundings. This comes on the heels of Spirit's landing two weeks ago. The European Space Agency also tried to land its Beagle spacecraft on the Red Planet last month, but it apparently crashed and burned.

You know, IF there is, in fact, any intelligent life on Mars, they're going to be awfully pissed about all this crap we keep throwing at them.

----------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

But Is There a Vaccine?
In an effort to calm the people of New Hampshire and prevent outright panic among the state's populace, The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta and the United States Department of Agriculture, in conjunction with the Food and Drug Administration, have issued a joint statement saying that as long as you avoid direct contact with the central nervous system of infected candidates, there is no danger of catching Mad Dean Disease.

----------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger

Chirp, Chirp, Ah-choo
Scientists are reportedly quite concerned that an especially virulent strain of bird flu may soon sweep the world.

I'm sorry, but with all the famine and strife on this planet of ours, as well as terrorism, incommunicado space probes, the upcoming Michael Jackson trial, and the uncontrolled proliferation of nuclear weapons, I refuse to be concerned about whether the Bluejays in my backyard are sneezing and coughing on one another.

Maybe Howard Dean Scared the Poor Thing

Over the years, Mars has seen many exploratory missions fail. Now it seems that the red planet may have claimed yet another victim.

Yesterday NASA lost virtually all communication with the Mars Spirit rover. Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory are frantically working to get to the root of the problem and reestablish radio contact with the probe. This development was largely unexpected since the mission had been proceeding smoothly thus far.

In particular, NASA experts are examining the very last photo sent by the rover for subtle signs of any potential hazards they may have previously missed:

Dean Endorses Bush
In a stunning turn of events, Howard Dean has proclaimed himself a conservative and endorsed Bush for President.

No, no, not THAT Howard Dean!! The OTHER Howard Dean, the one that was in Ninja III.

Howard Woody Dean, who once had a brief movie role as a cop who falls out of a helicopter, agrees that the OTHER Howard Dean has done a lot for Vermont, "but how hard is that?"

Good point.

In an unrelated development, animal control officers in New Hampshire who saw Dean's screaming concession speech in Iowa have detained the former governor on suspicions of being rabid.

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Good Thing Kerry Didn't Pull the Plug

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

No More Dick
Well, Dick Gephardt's twisted, mutilated body has landed with a resounding thud on the shoulder of that long road to the Democratic presidential nomination. He joins previous victims Bob Graham and Carol Mosely Braun as roadkill.

Surprisingly though, it wasn't Howard Dean driving the campaign juggernaut to victory in Iowa, but John Kerry. Who'd have thought that a week ago? Now the question becomes: Who will be the next one to get squashed? My money's on Lieberman. And hopefully this is one bet I'll win, so I can make up for all the money I lost on those stupid Eagles.

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French Bashing from the Grave
Since 1949, an anonymous stranger has visited Edgar Allen Poe's gravesite every January 19th--the anniversary of the author's death. He has always left a bottle of French cognac and three roses.

In keeping with tradition, the "Poe Toaster" made his annual pilgrimage last night, but with one minor change: He also left a note saying "The sacred memory of Poe and his final resting place is no place for French cognac." Though a bottle was left behind, the note adds that it was done so with great reluctance.

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Reality Sucks
In a stunning piece of news that may shake the American entertainment industry to its very core, Fox TV has announced it is canceling a project because it wasn't appropriate for the network. Considering that Fox has previously brought us such reality fare as Temptation Island and Joe Millionaire, what could possibly be any worse? Is it the broadcast premier of the Paris Hilton video? Televised executions? WHAT?

Well, it was a show tentatively titled Wild Sex..... From the National Geographic Society.

It was to feature animals of various species in the act of mating. Cheryl McDowell of Fox's broadcast and standards department (They actually have one of those!?!) said that showing the "mounting" acts of various animals would be "problematic."

Oh, and Temptation Island, which sought to deliberately break up couples by sticking them half naked in hot tubs with someone other than their actual loved ones, fot the simple purpose of seeing who seduces whom, was NOT "problematic?"

But heaven forbid we should risk exposing our children to koala bears humping one another!

Meanwhile, CBS has announced plans for its next reality series, Amish in the City. It will follow a group of 16 year old Amish teenagers as they are exposed to big city life for the first time.

What the hell.... In the climactic final episode we can watch their heads explode as they're introduced to Paris and Nicole from the Simple Life.

Network President Lester Moonves insists that the show would be "respectful" of the Amish faith.

It should be noted that CBS is the network that last year proposed taking an impoverished family from Appalachia and sticking them in a Beverly Hills Mansion so that the rest of us are amused as they discover the joys of microwave ovens. That project was killed after a massive public outcry.

Is it any wonder cable TV continues to cut into the broadcast networks' audiences?

Geography Lesson
Jeez.... It seems like every channel I go to tonight is talking about the Iowa caucuses.

How embarrassing is that!!!! It's precisely this sort of irresponsible blather that perpetuates the myth that Americans are ignorant of the rest of the world.

I mean , everyone knows the caucuses are in central Asia!!!

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Look What You Can Buy for a Dollar
In an unusual move, the Fairfax County, Virginia, jail is going to begin charging its inmates one dollar for each day they are incarcerated.

And if I don't pay it, will I be evicted?

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Would You Like Cream and Sugar with Your Steak Sauce?
A Seattle steakhouse is offering 12 oz. filet mignon cuts sprinkled with Starbucks coffee grinds.

Great. So not only will you develop Mad Cow Disease and die a slow, hideous death as your brain turns to fetid cottage cheese, but you won't be able to get any sleep!

This Bird Don't Fly
When the United States began fingerprinting and photographing all foreign visitors last week, Brazil promptly announced it would begin doing the same to all American (and only American) visitors. The move was obviously intended as some sort of payback.

The other day, American Airlines pilot Dale Robin Hersh, after landing in Sao Paulo, decided to exercise his own little payback for Brazil's payback by lifting his middle finger while being photographed.

This earned Mr. Hersh a $13,000 fine.

Enough of this petty back and forth bickering. All of us on the planet Earth are part of a global community of nations, and our respective nations need to stop acting like seven year olds arguing about who started what on a playground.

And if that doesn't work, I say we bomb the shit out of Brazil.

More Proof California Just Ain't Right
What is the deal with the people of California?

Michael Jackson was arraigned earlier today, and hundreds of his fans turned out in a boisterous show of support for the singer turned hideous freak of nature. They were cheering, clapping, waving signs, and chanting "Michael, we love you." Jacko should be more careful about who he loves back, however, since that's how he got into this situation in the first place.

More importantly, who knew Jackson even had fans?

Jackson may or may not ultimately turn out to be innocent of these latest charges. But making a mockery of the legal system is not going to change whatever the facts of the case may be. This is not some sort of popularity contest in which the general public votes on the next American idol; rather, it's about determining whether a man (and I use the term loosely) is guilty of some rather serious charges. And quite frankly, that multi-million dollar out of court settlement from a few years ago says a lot, too.

But back to the public displays of support: Who the hell are these people? Are they the same ones who stood along the highway cheering O.J. when he was accused of double murder? Hell, let's bring Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini back from the dead and parade them down the Santa Monica Freeway. The people of California would probably die of giddiness.

And what to make of the scene where Jackson climbed on top of his limo to wave at his supporters? Not bad for a guy who was supposedly left crippled by a brutal police beating.

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Giving Head
What a miserable, depressing day....

I've come across two disturbing news items in the past 24 hours or so. First, Carole Moseley Braun has dropped out of the presidential race and announced she is endorsing Howard Dean. And while I have nothing against the former governor, I just don't see any way he can beat George W. Bush in Florida this November, regardless of how many recounts he demands.

At the moment my loyalties are torn between the two candidates I deem to have the best chance of winning: Dennis "Big Head" Kucinich and the Reverend Al Sharpton.

Seriously: Have you ever looked at a photo of Kucinich? His head is too big for his body. Stature wise, he's a little shrimp. Maybe 4'7" tops, if he's wearing stiletto heals. Yet proportionally, Kucinich has the cranial structure of a man who is 6'5"! I find that just vaguely disturbing.

But enough about politics and the future of the free world. The other, far more serious news item is that Fannie May candies is closing.

To the Moon And Beyond

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press

President Bush has announced an ambitious new program to return a man to the moon, starting with former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill regardless of "whether he wants to go or not. And with the inevitable technological advances that will occur as the project advances, we may even eventually return the backstabbing son of a bitch to the Earth." Then further down the road--possibly 2030 or beyond--Bush wants America to put a man on Mars to "search for evidence of life and possible weapons of mass destruction."

In the present, however, there is already plenty of action on the red planet. The Spirit rover finally rolled onto Martian soil, thereby becoming the first SUV to actually be driven off-road. It will now spend the next three months riding around, poking at rocks, and transmitting dramatic pictures of: Dirt.

While the expansion of our intellectual and scientific knowledge is all fine and dandy, the fact is that we are missing the true potential of our planetary neighbor: It can cure the obesity epidemic currently plaguing America!

One important thing we already know about Mars is that it's gravitational field is 1/3 of Earth's. Hence, a 150 pound earthbound human would only weigh 50 lbs on the red planet. Even more importantly, a 390 lb. walking tub of lard would only be a svelte 130 lb. adult there! And he would be able to eat super-sized double beef Whopper with cheese value meals all day long and not have to worry about being to heavy for the recliner.

Of course, more powerful rockets would have to be developed to handle the increased payloads, but the savings in healthcare costs would more than offset the additional investment.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Who Is This Guy Anyway?
Mr. Black has come out with his annual list of the 10 worst dressed women of the year, and coming in at the top of the list for 2003 is Paris Hilton.

Yeah, like anyone cares what she looks like fully clothed.....

Avast, Ye Mateys!
The world's largest ocean liner, the Queen Mary 2, set sail today from Southampton, England. the 1132 ft. ship is expected to arrive in Fort Lauderdale next week.

In a related story, a glacier on the coast of Greenland calved the world's largest iceberg today.

I'm Going Back to Sunday School

In what can only be described as a giant step forward for the religious right of America, Pamela Anderson is now teaching Sunday school.

The classes are designed to appeal to parents who are fairly stupid, but not quite stupid enough to let their kids attend a slumber party at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

When Good Kitties Go Bad....

Anniversary

The first free public museum opened on this date in 1773 in Charleston, South Carolina. It was kind of boring, however, because back then it only had new stuff.

My Latest Get Rich Quick Scheme

Go to a nice restarant and order a steak. When it arrives, start eating it like usual. Then halfway through the meal, slip an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth. When you feel it starting to fizz, jump up out of your seat, flail your arms, tear at your hair, and start screaming that your food just gave you Mad Cow Disease. Then fall down, twitch, and act like you've slipped into a coma.

If you do this just right, you're guaranteed to win a multi-million dollar settlement.

Where's My Guide Dog?
Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, who was forced to resign by the President in December of 2002, is coming out with a book in which he finally admits to betting on baseball.

No, wait. Wrong upcoming book.

In The Price of Loyalty: George W. Bush, the White House, and the Education of Paul O'Neill, the former Secretary turned backstabbing opportunist, compares Bush's performance in Cabinet meetings to "a blind man in a roomful of deaf people."

Um, okay. But what does that mean? And if Bush is supposed to be the blind man. what does that say about everyone else at those meetings? That they can't afford hearing aids?

And why, exactly, would a blind man be in a roomful of deaf people in the first place? Did he wander in there by mistake? And would he even know it if he were in such a room? After all, if he's blind, it's not like he can see what's going on around him. And if the deaf people are trying to talk while signing with one another, maybe the blind guy will think he's in a roomful of people with speech impediments.

These are all important questions, and one can only hope O'Neill takes the time to answer them in his book.

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Flakes
Yesterday's morning commute was pretty much a disaster of biblical proportions. The weather forecasters, for the last several days, had been predicting a dusting of snow for the early morning hours. And in an unprecedented development, they turned out to be right for once.

However, the highway crew were either caught totally off guard by the flakes, or else failed to take it seriously. At any rate, they elected to not send out any salt trucks. Consequently, the snow melted as cars drove over it, then refroze into an icy glaze. The end result was scores of fender benders on virtually unnegotiable streets.

The largest school system in the area, Fairfax County, was caught with its pants down (in a non-Michael Jackson sort of way) as it decided to open on time rather than go with a two hour delay. Needless to say, many its school buses ended up getting caught in the same massive traffic tieups. Parents were predictably upset over the fiasco. Superintendent Daniel A. Domenech actually went on a local radio station later in the morning and apologized for his earlier decision.

On the other hand, Fairfax schools have been known to close in anticipation of bad weather, only to have it turn out to be a beautiful, sunny day. Then the parents end up bitching about the schools being closed for no reason. So in many cases, officials are damned if they delay or cancel schools, and damned if they don't. Being the one who ultimately has to make that decision must be one of the most thankless jobs around.

Aside from being the civilian Administrator of Iraq.

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Have a Stiff One
I hate sites such as this (via Daniella's Misadventures) that prey on people's superstitions. Astrology, especially, is a crock. There's just absolutely no truth to any of that stuff.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out for a few rounds with my drinking buddies Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde, and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

New On Fox

Quite frankly, this whole reality TV thing is getting completely out of hand.

Be VERY Afraid
Let's face it: Life these days is all about fear. Fear of terrorism, fear of body cavity searches at the airport, fear of having your job taken over by somebody named Gupta in New Delhi, and fear of Howard Dean actually winning next November. Fear is everywhere, and if you're not afraid of something, your probably already dead, which just makes the rest of us all the more afraid.

But with the recent focus on the Flu, Mad Cow Disease, and isolated cases of SARS popping up in China again, fear of disease seems to be the most popular one at the moment. But which disease scares you the most?

Weigh in on the new poll to the left.

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Speaking Of Mad Cows....
Despite her apology, Hillary Clinton continues to draw fire for her joke that Mahatma Gandhi used to run a gas station in St. Louis.

In an effort to change the subject, she has decided to feed a live crocodile while simultaneously talking on a cellphone and dangling Chelsea off a balcony.

A Rose By Any Other Name

Here's a shocker: After 14 years of vehement denials, that he bet on his own team. Rose makes this "shocking" revelation in his upcoming book, My Life as a Lying Sack of Crap. Many people, however, remain unimpressed by Rose's sudden candor. Some cynics go as far as to view the confession as just another ploy by Rose to have the lifetime ban issued by MLB in 1989 lifted, and to finally get into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Some critics of that ban, say it is much too harsh, and that Rose should be enshrined in Cooperstown strictly on the merits of his impressive stats. Mark Asher of the Washington Post talks about baseball's most sacred rule, Rule 21, which is prominently posted in every clubhouse at every level of the game. Rose thumbed his nose at that rule, which calls for a one year ban for betting on baseball and a lifetime ban for betting on your own team. The bottom line is that Rose knew what he was doing was wrong, and no one stuck a gun to his head to force him to place those bets.

One important aspect of this debate that has rarely been mentioned is why baseball is so paranoid about gamblers in its midst: The 1919 Chicago Black Sox. For the uninitiated, that was the year eight members of the Chicago White Sox bet against themselves and threw the World Series. That scandal almost destroyed the sport 84 years ago, and the leaders of today's baseball teams have not forgotten its lessons.

A Football God Returns

Today we learned much of what is behind the Code Orange terror alert, and why it continues. First, there was serious concern over New Year's about a dirty bomb attack on a number of US cities. Groups of scientists with hidden radiation detectors were dispatched to DC, NY, LA, Vegas, and Baltimore. Meanwhile, overseas, authorities continue their search for Abdul Haq, who was booked on a canceled Air France flight around Christmas and now has seemingly disappeared. His name matches that of an escapee from a Khandahar detainment camp.

But all this talk about death, destruction, and the end of civilization as we know it no longer matters to those of us here in DC. Today's big, BIG story in town is that Joe Gibbs is returning to the Washington Redskins. It is virtually impossible to overstate the significance of this development, and what it means to long suffering 'Skins fans. If the Mars Rover were to stumble across Elvis living in sin with Amelia Earhart and raising mad cows on the Red Planet with Osama bin Laden working as a farmhand, it would pale in comparison to the news about Gibbs.

Does that put it in perspective for you?

During his 12 seasons coaching the team, Gibbs led the Redskins to four Super Bowls, and won three of them. And while other coaches have done that, Gibbs is the only one to do it with three different quarterbacks. In fact, the first black QB to win the Super Bowl was Doug Williams (sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, but it's true) in 1988, when the Redskins defeated the Broncos. Rush Limbaugh continues to be haunted by this.

When Gibbs retired in 1993 to pursue a second career as a NASCAR owner, he left football at the top of his game. Since then, the Redskins have descended into the depths of football hell and have become a joke in the NFL.

It remains to be seen if Gibbs can return the franchise to its former glory. One immediate concern is that he is such a revered icon in this town that it may be virtually impossible for him to live up to expectations. All too often, when sports figures try to mount a comeback after retiring once, they fail to achieve their former glory. One immediate example of this is Michael Jordan's two seasons with the Washington Wizards, and it would be a shame to see Gibbs sully his image. On the other hand, a coach's strengths are measured by knowledge and the ability to be an inspiring leader to your players. Unlike physical ability which declines naturally with age, these qualities may well be immune to the ravages of time.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, can anyone work with Redskins owner Dan "The Pipsqueak With A Napoleon Complex" Snyder? That remains to be seen. But if Gibbs succeeds, all of Snyder's past sins will likely be forgiven.

Whack It. Whack it good.
Okay, quick: What great moment in sports history is today the tenth anniversary of?

No, no. Not O.J. That anniversary isn't till June. But you're on the right track.

It was ten years ago today that the Tonya Harding crime syndicate whacked Nancy Kerrigan's knee, and Ray Ratto has written a pretty funny piece about it on ESPN.com

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Brazil Nuts
In a move that many Americans say is long overdue, customs officials have begun fingerprinting and photographing foreign visitors (most Europeans are exempt from this requirement). The new procedure will allow authorities to better track terrorists who are hellbent on destroying our way of life even as they visit Las Vegas to take advantage of its many carnal pleasures, including taking turns marrying Britney Spears.

Some countries are not happy that their citizens will have to endure added scrutiny while seeking a brief fling with certain unnamed pop singers who can't hold their liquor. Brazil, for example, has decided to fingerprint and photograph Americans--but only Americans--visiting that nation.

Well, that's real frikkin' mature, Brazil. What are you, in fourth grade? What a bunch of crybabies!! Fortunately, we here in the United States are above such childish displays, and know how to voice our displeasure with the international community in a reasonable, grown-up manner.

That's why later today, I'm going to DC, driving by the Brazilian embassy, and mooning them.

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Good Thing He Knows His Right Hand From His Left
A round of applause is in order for Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, who is sticking to his guns. Rather than apologize for feeding a chicken to a 13 ft. croc with one hand while holding his one month old child in the other, Irwin says he would gladly do it again provided "there were no cameras around." Irwin continues to insist there was never any danger because he knows how to safely handle wild animals.

Hmmm.... Isn't that what Roy Horn said?

----------Varvel, Indianapolis Star

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Soap On A Rope Would Be Nice
Holy magnificent Mother of Crap!! Turns out I've been arrested!!!!

Well, that's okay. Maybe I'll end up sharing a jail cell with Paris Hilton.

Congratulations are in order to NASA, which, having mastered the whole metric to english conversion thing, finally managed to land something on Mars.... Intact. Triumphant rocket scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena celebrated by cheering, hugging each other, and throwing their pocket protectors into the air.

The Spirit Lander carried a 384 pound mobile rover which, assuming it doesn't need a jump start, will be able to drive around and poke at rocks, after which it will drive around some more and poke at rocks, at which point it will drive around more and poke at rocks. Then, depending on how much power the rover has left, it may drive some more and poke at... boulders.

This comes on the heels of the Stardust spacecraft's successful fly-by of Comet Wild 2. The vessel successfully collected samples from the celestial traveler's tail, and it will return them to Earth in 2006 for study. Shortly after that, a careless scientist will become infected by an alien microbe which will begin using human hosts to propagate it's own species. Full-size alien beings will begin erupting from the chests of their hapless hosts, leading to the eventual extinction of mankind.

Democrats will blame President Bush for the fiasco.

Let's See Michael Jackson Beat This Stunt
I was planning to write something funny and witty about Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's parenting style, I can't possibly beat Little Tiny Lies' take on the story.

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Here. Have A Hamburger
Scientists and government officials continue in their attempts to reassure the American people that our beef is safe, and that the odds of anyone catching mad cow disease are "virtually non-existent."

On the other hand, the odds of someone winning $100,000,000 in the lottery are virtually non-existent, too. Yet people still manage to do that.

Pass The Noisemakers

Congratulations to a Charles Brody of Oak Hill, Virginia. He apparently celebrated a little too hard Wednesday night, and got himself arrested on a DUI charge at about 1 A.M. yesterday morning.

So what, you ask? That happens to a lot of people on New Year's Eve.

Well, yes, it does. But how many of those other people are the chief of Transportation Safety Administration operations at Washington Dulles Airport and on duty at the time of the arrest? Oh, and let's not forget the heightened security of the Code Orange terror alert, not to mention the added scrutiny being given to London/DC British Air flights.

Yes, those additional details do tend to narrow the field a bit.

Time Flies
Hard to believe it's already 2004. Seems like only a year ago we were saying it's hard to believe it's 2003.

Happy New Year!

Here's the Washington Post's annual list of what's "in" and what's "out." The one item on here, which, if true, bodes ill for America's future, is that Barry Manilow is considered in....

Dave Barry's 2003: Between Iraq and a Hard Place is also ready for your review.