Mirth, Musings, & More

Monday, August 01, 1994

The Rolling Stones open their latest farewill tour at DC's RFK Stadium. The concert is briefly disrupted when Charlie Watts and his walker tumble into the front row.

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August 2
Finally putting rumors to rest, Lisa Marie Presley confirms that she and Michael Jackson were secretly married on May 25. She says they look forward to building a large family since "Michael really seems to like kids."

August 3
In a rare triple header, Arkansas carries out three executions in one night, putting a severe strain on the state's power grid.

Despite last minute appeals from President Clinton, prison officials decline to add Paula Jones to the lineup.

August 4
The nation's political landscape is thrown into total disarray when Howard Stern withdraws from the New York gubernatorial race.

August 8
Tonya Harding is upset when Penthouse publishes several nude photographs of her. She whacks Bob Guccionne on the knee.

August 11
O.J. Simpson undergoes surgery at an LA hospital. While strapped to his gurney, the former football star turned enraged homicidal maniac leads police on a wild low speed chase through the hospital's corridors.

August 12
Baseball strikes out.

August 13
In a surprising turn of events, France actually shows some backbone when its agents arrest notorious terrorist Carlos the Jackal. He had been living in the Middle East under the assumed name of Carlos the Flesh Eating Bacteria.

August 14
In a beautiful performance the Three Tenors upstage the band Nine Inch Nails at Woodstock '94. Unfortunately, several spectators are killed when Pavarotti dives into the mosh pit.

August 15
The National Enquirer reports that Elvis, having heard who his daughter married, has finally died.

August 17
The Capital Beltway turns 30. A planned birthday bash is is canceled when the guests get hung up in traffic.

August 19
The Clinton administration, in an effort to prove ti means business in Haiti, threatens to revoke the ruling military junta's Price Club membership.

August 21
The British royal family is again rocked by scandal as Di is accused of repeatedly calling an acquaintance and asking if he has Prince Albert in a can.

August 22
In Honolulu an elephant goes berserk at a circus and kills two trainers. A spokesman explains that Roseanne was still upset over her breakup with Tom Arnold.

August 23
In LA Todd Lawrence is convicted of stalking Madonna and repeatedly peeking through her windows in an attempt to catch a rare glimpse of the star fully clothed.

August 24

August 25
A group of kids in Belle Glade, Florida discover mercury in an abandoned van. By the time they're done playing with it, several hundred people and the entire neighborhood must undergo decontamination procedures.
Meanwhile, astronomers are at a loss to explain how the planet ended up in the back of a van to begin with.

August 27
DNA test results on the glove found at O.J.'s house indicate that it's the one Michael Jackson lost several years ago.

August 28
In Brownsville, Texas a man mowing his lawn accidentally hits a nest and is swarmed by thousands of Africanized killer flesh eating bacteria.

August 29
The Wonderbra makes its US debut. Madonna begins hording them.

August 31
A judge in LA sentences Todd Lawrence to stalk Roseanne.

Friday, July 01, 1994

In a stunning come-from-behind upset victory, Val Kilmer is elected to replace Michael Keaton in the next Batman movie.

Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot comes in third.

July 3
Former President Jimmy Carter meets with North Korean leader Kim Il Jung in an effort to diffuse the ongoing nuclear crisis.

July 4
DNA testing provides conclusive evidence that George Washington is NOT the father of our country.

Betsy Ross drops her paternity suit.

July 5
Preliminary hearings on the O.J. Simpson case begin. Today's star witness is Kato Kaelin, with testimony from the Green Hornet expected tomorrow.

July 8
Kim Il Jung dies unexpectedly. North Korean authorities seek Jimmy Carter for questioning after he is spotted driving a slow moving bloodstained Ford Bronco toward the demilitarized zone.

July 9
O.J. Simpson turns 47. Surprisingly, no one will give him a knife to cut the cake.

July 10

July 11
A study concludes that Washington, DC has the worst postal service in the nation. The 1989 report would have been released sooner, except that it got lost in the mail.

July 14
Don King is indicted on charges of insurance fraud, which causes his hair to fall down.

July 16
Jose Carreras, Placido Domingo, and Luciano Pavarotti--billed as The Three Tenors--perform at Dodger Stadium. However, this show is merely a warm-up for their expected appearance at next month's Woodstock '94.

Also today, chunks from the comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 begin colliding with Jupiter. Startled astronomers discover several tractor trailer loads of undelivered mail beneath the planet's murky atmosphere.

July 18
The Clinton administration, in a sign that its patience with Haiti is wearing thin, threatens to shut off the military jenta's HBO service.

July 20
It's the 20th anniversary of the first moonwalk. Michael Jackson, busy with a slumber party involving a dozen 12 year old boys, which is perfectly normal behavior for an adult, is unable to participate in ceremonies marking the event.

July 22
Providing further evidence that Hollywood has run out of original ideas, a new Lassie movie hits the theaters. This time American's favorite collie faces a moral dilemma: Save Timmy from drowning in that damn pond yet again, or disarm a nuclear warhead threatening New York.

July 25
A new study released by the Surgeon General reveals that smoking is the nation's leading cause of statistics.

July 26
Mick Jagger turns 51. Though he still can't get no stinkin' satisfaction, time is on his side, yes it is.

July 27
The health care debate turns nasty when, during a debate in the Senate, Hillary Clinton whacks Bob Dole on the knee with a gavel.

July 30
Michael Jordan stuns the sports world when he hits his very first home run. He ends up dunking home plate.

July 31
Astronomers announce that several comet chunks are on a collision course with Pluto. In response to the threat, Disney World is evacuated.

Wednesday, June 01, 1994

Hunters armed with shotguns and barometers descend on southern Florida as the 1994 hurricane season officially opens.

June 3
President Clinton travels to Europe. In an emotional speech to veterans of the Anzio campaign which liberated Rome, Clinton declares that had he been around during WWII, he would have been proud to study at Oxford in order to avoid the draft.

June 4
Virginia Republicans meet in Richmond and select Ollie North to run for the US Senate. Allegations soon surface that North was trading arms for delegates at the convention.

June 6
Ceremonies along the Normandy coast commemorate the 50th anniversary of D-Day. The event is marked by an influx of foreign dignitaries, skydiving veterans, warships off the beaches, Air Force flyovers, and military reenactments. The massive show of force leads to the immediate and unconditional surrender of France.

June 7

June 8
One of Bob Barker's models from The Price Is Right accuses the gameshow host of inappropriately exposing what's behind the barn door.

June 9
Pierce Brosnan is elected the new 007. Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot finishes third.

June 10
Acting on a tip as to his ex-wife's Roseanne's whereabouts, a lovesick Tom Arnold travels to a small island off the coast of Italy in an attempt to reconcile with her. He sneaks into her bungalow and spends the night making wild, passionate love.

June 11
Tom Arnold awakens to find, in bed next to him, Evelyn Geffers' tumor.

June 12
O.J. Simpson auditions to replace Lorena Bobbitt as the spokesperson for Ginsu knives.

June 14
Henry Mancini begins decomposing.

June 17
Hearing that the '95 Fords are out early this year, O.J. Simpson decides to test drive the new Bronco. Though limited by a top speed of only 35 mph, Simpson still manages to outrun 10 helicopters and half the LA County Police Department.

June 18
A flesh eating bacteria terrorizes beaches up and down the east coast.

June 19

June 20
The National Geograpic society releases a topographical map of Secretary of State Warren Christopher's face.

June 21
The United Auto Workers launch a nationwide strike against Caterpillar Inc. Unless resolved quickly, it is expected to lead to a severe shortage of cocoons.

June 22
Eight months of NBA playoffs finally conclude as the Houston Rockets defeat the NY Knicks to capture the championship.

Regular season play for the following season begins next week.

June 23
John Wayne Bobbitt's car is cut off in traffic. Surgeons struggle for nine hours to reattach his Honda.

June 25
John Wayne Bobbitt's car is cut off in traffic. Surgeons struggle for nine hours to reattach his Honda.

June 26

June 27
Fishermaen in Amity, Mass., capture a ten foot great white flesh eating bacteria. While relieved beachgoers flock back into the water, Richard Dreyfuss warns Roy Scheider that they caught the wrong germ.

June 28
Rumors begin to surface that Michael Jackson wed Roseanne in a secret ceremony last month.

June 30
In an interview on British TV, Prince Charles confesses that he had an affair with Evelyn Geffers' tumor.

Sunday, May 01, 1994

Historic elections conclude in South Africa. Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot loses to Nelson Mandela.

May 3
Two former Arkansas state troopers claim they were ordered to furnish boxer shorts to then Governor Clinton.

The White House denies the allegations.

May 5
Michael Fayes's sentence is carried out in Singapore. Surgeons struggle for nine hours to reattach his severed buttocks.

May 6
The "Chunnel," connecting England and France, officially opens. Stunned by this sudden, unexpected development, the French government issues an immediate and unconditional surrender.

And in Las Vegas, John Bobbitt is arrested following a domestic dispute with his girlfriend. A strip search reveals that all his parts are present.

May 7

May 8
George Peppard goes on his last A-Team mission.

May 9
Former Vice President Dan Quayle's book Standing Firm is published. It proves to be a political hot potatoe.

May 10
A devastating solar eclipse sweeps across much of the nation, uprooting trees and destroying mobile home parks not properly protected by #14 smoked welders glass.

May 13
Mattel's test marketing program of the Nancy Kerrigan doll proves to be a dismal failure. It seems that small children were terrified of its large teeth.

May 15
Researchers announce a link between smoking and colorectal cancer. In response, the Surgeon General recommends that cigarettes only be smoked orally.

May 17
In a bold move signaling a new no-nonsense attitude in American foreign policy, the Clinton administration threatens Haiti's ruling military junta with litigation.

May 19
After eight seasons, LA Law slams its trunk lid for the last time.

Jackie Onassis. gets back together with her first husband.

May 21
Marion Barry announces his candidacy for DC mayor, saying he deserves another "crack" at the job.

May 23

May 25
TRUE--Evelyn Geffers of San Angelo, Texas, had long been terrified of hospitals. Consequently, she kept delaying the removal of a benign ovarian tumor. When it was finally removed today, the 15 year old growth weighed 156 pounds.

May 26
Lisa Marie Presley marries Michael Jackson.

In an apparently unrelated story, guards at Elvis' Graceland grave at report strange sounds from underground, best described as "someone rolling over."

May 27
After five seasons together, Arsenio Hall and the posse ride off into the sunset.

May 29
The 78th running of the Indianapolis 500 is marred by a sex scandal after several drivers are arrested for blowing their engines.

May 30
Evelyn Geffers' tumor appears on Geraldo.

May 31
Congressman Dan Rostenkowski is indicted on a variety of charges related to House Post Office scandal. In a move expected to hurt his defense, the Illinois democrat attempts to post bail with 75,000 first class stamps.

Friday, April 01, 1994

An examination of his tax records reveals that in early 1979 Socks parlayed a $1000 investment into almost $100,000 while trading in mouse futures.

April 3
After 37 years with the network and 15 years as host of CBS' Sunday Morning, Charles Kuralt retires from TV to pursue a baseball career.

April 4
It's opening day for what promises to be a glorious baseball season, and Shannen Doherty is on hand to throw out her first husband.

April 6
In a brilliant move that is sure to help them win lots of games in the coming season, the Redskins tell Art Monk to go out for a pass and not come back.

April 8
Kurt Cobain achieves Nirvanna.

April 9
Toys R Us admits to illegally reselling nuclear warheads after much of Chicago is obliterated by a six year old named Calvin. The only other survivor of the massive fireball is a stuffed tiger.

April 10

April 12
NASA launches a new advanced weather satellite. After a few months of testing, scientists expect it to provide us with "better forecasting, ealier warnings of tornadoes, more accurate tracking of hurricanes, and the ability to peek through Sharon Stone's windows."

April 13
The Redskins sack Mark Rypien.

April 14
In Singapore, Michael Faye suffers a nervous breakdown when the guy in the next cell plays Devo's "Whip It."

April 15
Mattel announces it will soon market a Nancy Kerrigan doll. When you hit its knee, it will scream "WHY ME? WHY ME?"

April 18
Roseanne Arnold files for divorce from husband Tom Arnold. It is unclear how this move will effect the other 57 people the couple is married to.

April 19
Bill Clinton holds a televised Q & A session with 200 high school and college students during which he is asked whether he wears boxers or briefs. "Usually biefs," says the Prez.

Afterwards he invites several coeds back to DC to prove it.

April 20
The boxer shorts industry demands an apology from the White House.

April 21
The White House issues a statement that while the President usually wears briefs, he actually prefers the "freedom of boxers." This prompts howls of protest from the briefs industry.

April 22
We won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore.

April 23
While denying that he is motivated by partisan politics, Senator Bob Dole appears on Meet the Press to announce he wears boxers.

April 24

April 25
TRUE--Astronomers announce that they have discovered the first solid evidence of planets outside our solar system. The planets are in orbit around a pulsar known as PSR1257+12 located 1500 light years from Earth.

April 26
Disney announces plans to build "Disney's Galxy" on one of the planets orbitting PSR1257+12.

April 29
President Clinton asks the government of Singapore to reduce Michael Faye's punishment. In his appeal, Clinton denounces caninig as cruel and barbaric, "unless it's done to Sam Donaldson."

April 30
During an emotional debate on the Senate floor, Ted Kennedy announces, between hiccups, that he doesn't wear underwear.

Tuesday, March 01, 1994

Roseanne Arnold kisses Mariel Hemingway on national TV. This makes both Tom Arnold AND Kim Silva jealous.

March 2
Evidence continues to mount that North Korea has obtained The Bomb. Executives at Fox TV say that's impossible because they destroyed all tapes of the old Chevy Chase Show.

March 3
Yet another winter storm paralyzes the east coast. The mob holding Willard Scott tries to hang him but the rope keeps breaking under the weight.

March 4
The final credits roll for John Candy.

March 5
Four suspects in last year's World Trade Center bombing are found guilty by a jury in New York city. Ryder reports a surge in van rentals while radical militant Islamic terrorists riot in South Central LA.

March 7
The navy announces that 60 women are being assigned to the crew of the USS Dwight Eisenhower, which will soon be renamed the USS Mamie Eisenhower.

March 9
Allegations surface that Hillary Clinton ordered the destruction of documents related to the Whitewater investment deal, leading some critics to dub her "The Shredder."
In response, Lorena Bobbitt sues her for trademark infringement.

March 7
Goofy appears on the Sally Jesse Raphael Show. He reveals that he and Micky Mouse have a "special relationship."

March 12
The Maryland section of the Capital Beltway develops a 12 mile long pothole. This causes a 367 mile backup on the Wilson Bridge.

March 13
North Korea agrees to an arms-for-toys deal. For each nuclear warhead they turn in, the communist dictatorship will receive a $50 Toys R Us gift certificate.

March 14
If he were still alive, today would be Albert Einstein's 115th birthday. Unless, of course, he had spent his entire lifetime traveling at the speed of light, in which case he would still be only 3 1/2.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

March 16
In a deal with prosecutors in Portland, Tonya Harding fesses up to her role in the attack on Nancy Kerrigan. This shocks every American who believed in her innocence--both of them. In a joint statement they say that they are praying for another celebrity to commit a heinous crime of which he is so obviously guilty that only a total moron would continue to believe in his or her innocence, so that they can continue to believe in his or her innocence.

March 17
Executives from several tobacco companies testify that they've never seen any conclusive evidence that smoking is harmful. They manage to do this while keeping a straight face.

March 20
It's the first day of spring. The mob holding Willard Scott releases its hostage.

March 22
Someone on the Maryland section of the Capital Beltway sneezes. This causes a 97 mile backup on the Wilson Bridge.

March 25
The US Postal Service announces that it is dropping the two day guarantee on Priority Mail. It will instead offer a "several weeks or so delivery, unless we leave it on the back of a truck for six months until we stumble aacross it again" guarantee.

March 26
First Brother Roger Clinton and Molly Martin wed Tom and Roseanne Arnold. Roseanne is the first to kiss the new Mrs. Clinton.

March 27

March 28
The White House, in an effort to put Whitewater rumors to rest, announces that it is releasing the 1977-79 tax returns of Socks the cat.

March 30
North Korean dictator Kim Il Jung, upset that Toys R Us is sold out of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, threatens to obliterate Japan.

March 31
True--Michael Faye, an American teenager living in Singapore, is convicted of several acts of vandalism. His sentence includes six lashes with a wwet rattan cane on the bare buttocks, also known as "caning."

Tuesday, February 01, 1994

Meanwhile, former Dallas Cowboys offensive Cowboys coordinator Norv Turner is sworn in as the Redskins' 19th head coach. He promises that the next season will be much better than the last one.

There are those who suspect he's actually a mole still on the Cowboys' payroll.

February 2
Punxsutawny Phil the groundhog emerges from the ground and sees his shadow, signaling another six weeks of winter. The hopeful crowd, weary of snow, ice, below zero windchills, and rolling blackouts turns into an ugly mob and storms the clueless rodent's burrow. Lorena Bobbitt suddenly shows up, and Phil is soon shishkabob.

February 4
President Clinton lifts the 19 year old trade embargo against Vietnam. Oliver Stone condemns the move as part of a sinister conspiracy and promises to expose it as such in his next movie.

February 7
UPS increases its maximum weight per package to 150 lbs. John Bobbitt welcomes the news, saying he'll use UPS the next time he needs to ship parts.

February 8
Lorena accuse John of "wishful thinking."

Meanwhile, in L.A., Jack Nicholson takes up windshield golfing while sitting at a red light.

February 10
Jack Kent Cooke announces he's leaving Marlena and building a new wife in Laurel, MD.

February 11
Today's weather forecast is for a winter mix of snow, sleet, and rain. The DC area instead gets a trail mix of peanuts, raisins, sunflower seeds, and those dried up banana slices. Meteorologists blame it on a shipping error.

February 12
The 1994 Winter Olympics gets underway in Li'l Abner, Norway. The US is heavily favored to win several gold medals, especially in the newly created "Breaking Your Opponent's Kneecaps" competition.

February 13
A National Association of Meteoroloists SWAT team cancels a commando raid to free Willard Scott. Despite hours of planning, the best they could agree on was a 60% chance of success with partial clearing in the afternoon.

February 14

February 15
Tonya Harding departs for the Olympics. The Portland Airport is forced to bring in extra metal detectors to handle her entourage.

February 16
The Olsen twins complete a 10.1 billion dollar deal to purchase Paramount Entertainment. Afterwards their parents take them out for ice cream.

February 17
A Current Affair airs a videotape obtained from Greenpeace showing Tonya Harding clubbing baby seals.

February 18
The US fails to win any medals in the pairs skating competition. Tonya Harding promises to steal one.

February 19
Coverage of the Olympics continues to be plagued by mysterious, annoying ads in which Dan Rather and Connie Chung speak of their "special relationship" on the CBS vening News.

February 20
In the Li'l Abner games, an escapee from a DC halfway house wins the gold medal in bailjumping. Curiously, he fails to show up for the awards ceremony.

February 21

February 22
FBI agents arrest Aldrich Ames--a CIA employee--on charges of espionage. His superiors at the Agency became suspicious when Ames began showing off his new gold card from Spies R Us.

February 23
Another attempt by the National Association of Meterologists to free Willard Scott fails when it unexpectedly snows.

February 24
Dinah Shore goes to see heaven in a Chevrolet.

February 25
In the Olympic games, it's time for the Women's figure skating finals. Nancy Kerrigan wins the Silver after Tonya Harding becomes confused and ends up clubbing herself in the knee.

February 28
While appearing in a parade at Disneyworld, Nancy Kerrigan calls the event "corny" and says she feels silly riding on a float.

In a related development, Micky Mouse confides that sometimes, when no one's looking, he likes to feel Goofy.

Saturday, January 01, 1994

It was a truly amazing year. From the zany hijinks of Tonya Harding to the wacky antics of O.J. Simpson, it was 12 months best spent hiding under your bed. And for those of you who did, here is a chronology of what you missed. As for the rest of you, will, this can serve as a cruel reminder.

Some of the year's events were major, others were minor, but they all served to shape our nation, our world, and our very lives. And yes, this is similar to the one Dave Barry does every year but with one important difference: Mine is bigger.

With that in mind, let's take one final look back at....

1994:The Year of the Bronco

January 1
Cesar "The Joker" Romero has his last laugh.

January 04
After losing 12 games during the past season, the Redskins go on lose to their head coach.

January 05,
Former Speaker of the House Tip O'Neil goes to the big subcommittee in the sky.

January 10
Lorena Bobbitt's trial on charges of throwing her husband's manhood out the window of a moving vehicle opens in Manassas, VA.

And in international news, President Clinton travels to Europe. Upon meeting German Chancelor Helmut Kohl for the first time, Clinton tells the rotund German leader he looks like a Sumo wrestler.

January 11
Germany declares war on the United States.

January 12
France surrenders.

January 13
National figure skating champion Tonya Harding's bodyguard and two others are arrested for an attack on rival skater Nancy Kerrigan. The trio tells the judge that they were trying to change a flat, and Kerrigan's knee got in the way of the lug wrench.

January 14
President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin sign an agreement to stop targetting nuclear missiles at each other's countries and instead aim them at open stretches of ocean.

January 15
The ambassador from Atlantis files a formal protest with the United Nations.

January 17
A massive earthquake rocks southern California. Seismologists trace the epicenter to Tom and Roseanne Arnold's bedroom.

January 18
Buffetted by constant criticism for being even shorter than Ross Perot, Bobby Ray Inman withdraws his nomination for Secretary of Defense. The New York Times, for one, denies there was a conspiracy, adding that the "great media cabal are in agreement that the little squirt should have stood on a phone book" while making the announcement.

January 19

January 20
Much of the Midwest and east coast remain in the grip of subzero weather with wind chills of minus 50 or more. Some power companies resort to rolling blackouts while others threaten to send Roseanne to the homes of people who don't voluntarily lower their thermostats.

January 21
While women's groups hail the surprisingly swift "not guilty" verdict in the Lorena Bobbitt trial, the three male members of the jury undergo some sort of "emergency reattachment" surgery at a local hospital.

January 22
Telly Savalas has his last lollipop.

January 23
Mobs take to the streets, riots rock major US cities, and vigilante justice squads terrorize the countryside as a stunned nation struggles to deal with the realization that the Buffalo Bills are in the Super Bowl yet again.

January 24
John Madden signs with Fox TV Sports. His $32 million contract contains a provision that can call is sick whenever the Buffalo Bills make it to the Super Bowl.

January 26
A somber President Clinton, in his State of the Union address, calls on the Buffalo Bills to "do the right thing" and voluntarily withdraw from future Super Bowls.

January 27
Tonya Harding offers to have her bodyguards bash several Bills players on their knees in exchange for a gold medal.

January 28
Yet another winter storm paralyzes the east coast. An angry mob storms the set of the Today show and takes Willard Scott hostage.

January 30
In a surprise move, the Bills lose to the Cowboys in the Super Bowl. Confused viewers wonder if they're watching a live broadcast, or a rerun of last year's game.

January 31
The Chicago White Sox deny rumors that Michael Jackson plans to try out for the team. Says an amused White Sox spokesman, "That's about as likely as a Heisman trophy winning football star turned TV announcer killing his ex-wife."