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March 2
Evidence continues to mount that North Korea has obtained The Bomb. Executives at Fox TV say that's impossible because they destroyed all tapes of the old Chevy Chase Show.
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March 3
Yet another winter storm paralyzes the east coast. The mob holding Willard Scott tries to hang him but the rope keeps breaking under the weight.
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March 4
The final credits roll for John Candy.
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March 5
Four suspects in last year's World Trade Center bombing are found guilty by a jury in New York city. Ryder reports a surge in van rentals while radical militant Islamic terrorists riot in South Central LA.
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March 7
The navy announces that 60 women are being assigned to the crew of the USS Dwight Eisenhower, which will soon be renamed the USS Mamie Eisenhower.
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March 9
Allegations surface that Hillary Clinton ordered the destruction of documents related to the Whitewater investment deal, leading some critics to dub her "The Shredder."
In response, Lorena Bobbitt sues her for trademark infringement.
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March 7
Goofy appears on the Sally Jesse Raphael Show. He reveals that he and Micky Mouse have a "special relationship."
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March 12
The Maryland section of the Capital Beltway develops a 12 mile long pothole. This causes a 367 mile backup on the Wilson Bridge.
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March 13
North Korea agrees to an arms-for-toys deal. For each nuclear warhead they turn in, the communist dictatorship will receive a $50 Toys R Us gift certificate.
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March 14
If he were still alive, today would be Albert Einstein's 115th birthday. Unless, of course, he had spent his entire lifetime traveling at the speed of light, in which case he would still be only 3 1/2.
But you already knew that, didn't you?
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March 16
In a deal with prosecutors in Portland, Tonya Harding fesses up to her role in the attack on Nancy Kerrigan. This shocks every American who believed in her innocence--both of them. In a joint statement they say that they are praying for another celebrity to commit a heinous crime of which he is so obviously guilty that only a total moron would continue to believe in his or her innocence, so that they can continue to believe in his or her innocence.
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March 17
Executives from several tobacco companies testify that they've never seen any conclusive evidence that smoking is harmful. They manage to do this while keeping a straight face.
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March 20
It's the first day of spring. The mob holding Willard Scott releases its hostage.
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March 22
Someone on the Maryland section of the Capital Beltway sneezes. This causes a 97 mile backup on the Wilson Bridge.
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March 25
The US Postal Service announces that it is dropping the two day guarantee on Priority Mail. It will instead offer a "several weeks or so delivery, unless we leave it on the back of a truck for six months until we stumble aacross it again" guarantee.
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March 26
First Brother Roger Clinton and Molly Martin wed Tom and Roseanne Arnold. Roseanne is the first to kiss the new Mrs. Clinton.
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March 27
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March 28
The White House, in an effort to put Whitewater rumors to rest, announces that it is releasing the 1977-79 tax returns of Socks the cat.
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March 30
North Korean dictator Kim Il Jung, upset that Toys R Us is sold out of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, threatens to obliterate Japan.
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March 31
True--Michael Faye, an American teenager living in Singapore, is convicted of several acts of vandalism. His sentence includes six lashes with a wwet rattan cane on the bare buttocks, also known as "caning."
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