Speaking Of People Who Need "Perfecting...."

Scientists are in general agreement that the universe began with a "big bang" some 13-14 billion years ago. If you ask the same group of scientists what the universe's ultimate fate will be, you are likely to get any of a dozen different theories.

Some will argue that the universe is destined to collapse back in on itself, leading to another big bang and thus beginning the cycle anew. Others will say no, the galaxies will keep expanding forever until they all eventually burn out and the universe will be reduced to a vast ocean of nothingness. Still others believe that it's an ongoing cycle of renewal, with the dusty remains of burned out galaxies giving rise to new ones.

Personally, I think that the world we know, as well as the solar system in which we live, plus all the stars we see in the sky and the billions more beyond our ability to see or even imagine, are ultimately doomed to be swallowed by the enormous cosmic void scientifically known as... Ann Coulter's mouth. Because let's face it, folks: Sooner or later this crazy bitch will open her yap just a little too wide, thereby creating a cosmic tear in the space-time continuum, and all of existence will simply get sucked in.

I bring this up only because Annie has gone and done it again: She's voiced an opinion so stunning in its sheer ignorance that it defies all belief. This time the conservative commentator was on a CNBC interview show when she said that Jews require "perfecting" by becoming Christians. She then went on to say that she thinks heaven looks "like New York City during the [2004] Republican National Convention."

In the same interview she also brags about how tolerant Christians are. Huh? If this woman considers herself "tolerant," then just what is her definition of a narrow-minded ignorant bigot?

For the answer to that, she should just look in a mirror.

Saying Goodbye To Old Habits

The housing crisis facing the United States is apparently worse than first thought. It seems that even nuns are being forced to join the ranks of the homeless!

To be fair, in this case it has nothing to do with sub-prime loans. Rather, the Catholic church in California is selling off property in order to pay out of court settlements in dozens of sex abuse cases involving priests. And how much do those settlements total? Oh, only $660 million! Needless to say, that's a hell of a lot of Communion wafers.

Among the properties being sold to raise the funds are a number of convents. As a result, the nuns--some elderly and ill--are being forced to relocate. So how do the nuns feel about all this? Well, it's hard to say. It seems that church officials have slapped a gag order on the good sisters. Apparently freedom of speech is not guaranteed by the Bible.

Still, the crisis isn't as bad as it might seem. For example, the home of the Santa Barbara bishop--a former convent, on a corner lot with palm trees--is safe.

And yet there are people out there who continue to listen to the church as it explains what's right and what's wrong. For example, there's Archbishop Raymond Burke of St. Louis. He's the guy who in 2004 said priests should refuse Holy Communion to John Kerry because the Senator supported abortion rights. Now Burke is at it again, saying the sacrament should also be denied to Rudy Giuliani for the same reason.

Burke is part of an organization that for decades condoned (yes, I used the word "condoned"--how else to describe the actions of church officials?) the sexual abuse of children by priests, and suddenly he thinks he's qualified to judge the moral character of other people?!?!?!

Give me a freakin' break.

The 'Stuck Up Bitch' Makes Another Appearance

Back on September 25 I wrote about Family Guy's hilarious spoof of Star Wars. If you missed it the first time around, Cartoon Network is repeating the episode this Sunday night at 11 PM (eastern). Additionally, they'll be rerunning the Robot Chicken spoof of the movie at 10:30.

Still, the episode is not without its sad moments. If you're anything like me, you will cry when Redd Foxx is killed during the final assault on the Death Star.

Maybe It Belongs To Abbie Normal

Construction workers at a Richmond, Virginia apartment complex made an interesting discovery: A brain in a plastic bag. The bag and its grusome contents have been turned over to police. DNA tests will attempt to discover if it's a human brain.

Well, if no one else is using it at the moment, maybe they can give it to Bush.

Well, That's One Way Of Looking At It

Look Who's Leaking Now

Over the course of the last six years, the news media has been admonished by the White House and other supporters of the Iraq war that some of the material they publish helps the enemy. One example of that is when the stories about torture first broke: Publishing such material, we were told, only helps the terrorists. Better to keep such information secret, said the White House.

That is certainly good, sound advice. We certainly don't want to give too much information about our methods, do we?

So what happened about a month ago? A small American company that specializes in surveillance of terrorist websites obtained a new video from Osama bin Laden. The company managed to pull this off without Al Qaeda knowing about it. They were using some secret method to get early information from the terrorists, thereby allowing us to anticipate their next moves.

Unfortunately, this time the information got out to the media too early, enabling Al Qaeda to trace the source of their inside leak and seal it. So who was this irresponsible party that cost the United States a major intelligence source? Was it those liberal assholes at the New York Times? Or the idiots at the Washington Post who have no qualms about endangering us all as long as they can sell a few extra newspapers? Or maybe the morons at CNN who trying to beat Fox News to the scoop?

Well, actually it wasn't any of them. This time the source of the dangerous leak was... the White House itself!

The company that obtained the video passed it along to some officials in the Bush administration with a warning that it was to remain secret. Well, within hours it was being downloaded by everyone and their grandmother, thus tipping off Al Qaeda that they had a security breach.

No word on whether anyone at the the White House plans to publicly criticize themselves for endangering the American people, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Boondocks

Remember Boondocks, the wonderfully "subversive" comic strip and TV show? Well, the comic strip is still gone. But after a two year absence, the show is back on Cartoon Network starting tonight.

Their most controversial episode of the first season was called "Return of the King." The premise was that while Martin Luther King was shot in 1968, he didn't actually die. He merely went into a coma for 35 years.

A controversial, even tasteless idea? Maybe. But what really sent some people into a tizzy was the repeated (and some said excessive) use of the "N word." But sometimes that's what satire does: It makes its points by pissing people off, and in that regard the episode succeeded beautifully.

Return of the King portrays a now old MLK as he comes to terms with the world of today, specifically today's "black" culture. It culminates with his "I Had a Dream" speech (below).

One can only hope that season 2 proves to be as thought provoking as the first.

Anybody Have A Recipe For Salmon Cheesecake?

For several years now, health "experts" have been warning expectant mothers not to eat fish. The concern, of course, was that mercury in the fish might interfere with the development of the fetus.

Well, that certainly seemed to make sense, right?

Wrong. Now a coalition of scientists is urging mothers-to-be to eat more fish. The new recommendations are based on evidence that nutrients in seafood aid in the development of the brain during gestation. Scientists arrived at the new conclusions after discovering that Barbara Bush never once ate fish while she was pregnant with George W.

Okay, so I made up that last part. Still, this is yet another example of how things that were once good for us are actually bad, while things that were bad are actually good. That's why I figure it's only a matter of time until scientists figure out that high cholesterol levels are an essential daily vitamin. In the meantime, I'm getting a head start on that announcement by starting my new Double Whopper and cheescake diet.

Followed by a healthy cigarette, of course.

Goodbye. I'll Be Staying A While

In the days after his arrest and subsequent guilty plea for "disorderly conduct" in an airport men's room, Idaho Senator Larry Craig said he would resign as of September 30.

Then Craig decided that he didn't realize that a guilty plea meant that he was actually guilty. After all, as a three term United States Senator responsible for writing this nation's laws, he can't be expected to fully understand such complicated legal concepts as guilt and innocence. Thus he decided to seek a reversal of his guilty plea. If the move proved successful, said Craig, he would remain in the Senate.

Well, a Minnesota court earlier this week turned down the Senator's request. Now Craig says that he has changed his mind and will serve out his full term, which expires at the end of next year.

It's reassuring to know that we have such decisive leadership in Washington.

Needless to say, Craig's Republican colleagues are somewhat less than ecstatic about this. With Bush's plunging popularity, the President's veto of a children's health care bill, and an increasingly unpopular war that is based on a series of lies, the party is already facing dismal prospects in 2008. Now Craig's decision to stay insures that his story will stay in the news and further complicate matters for the Republicans.

Beep.... Beep.... Beep....

Google has a tradition of occasionally tweaking its familiar logo to mark special occasions. Today was no exception, as the search engine chose to replace the second "g" with a tiny little Sputnik.

Yes, it was 50 years ago today that the former Soviet Union launched a tiny, beeping satellite into orbit. And that tiny little metal sphere, no bigger than a basketball, grabbed the world's attention in a way that wouldn't be equaled until those photos of Britney without her underwear surfaced on the web.

Still, the launch of a tiny little satellite was hardly the most significant thing to happen on this date fifty years ago. The other big event was, of course, the premier of a TV show called Leave It to Beaver. And if you think about it, which has lasted longer? Sputnik, or the Beav? And if you honestly don't know, when's the last time you watched a rerun of Sputnik on Nick At Night?

I rest my case.

So what is about this show that still appeals to us? It was filmed in black & white and there's no five channel surround sound, for crying out loud. Is it because Leave It to Beaver takes us back to a simpler time? Is it a reminder of the lost innocence of youth? Watching Mrs. Cleaver vacuuming in high heels and a pearl necklace, secretly wishing that the high heels and necklace were all she was wearing?

No, it's none of that. The secret of the show's longevity is in it's title: The word "Beaver." You gotta admit it sounds just a teensy-weensy bit dirty.

Which would explain why Google didn't stick a beaver in its logo for today.

Love Is In The Air

There's nothing more romantic than a Republican same-sex couple.

Thank God Bush Has His Priorities Straight

As expected, President Bush has vetoed a bill expanding insurance coverage for children. The measure, as passed by by Congress, would have cost $35 billion over the course of five years.

This comes just a few days after Bush requested $190 billion in funding for the Iraq war.... And that would have been for one year.

In other words, this President is prepared to let your child of cancer if you can't afford the necessary treatment. Yes, that may sound bad on the surface, but at least his remains will be safe from the Iraqis who were never a danger in the first place.