Beware Of "Fake Christians"

For anyone out there who may not be familiar with him, Charles Barkley is a former basketball player and was one of the top stars of the NBA a few years ago. He's not generally known for his eloquence, but in this particular case he makes more sense than 90% of the "professional" political commentators out there.

Then again, most paid commentators wouldn't have the cojones to say that many religious leaders are "fake Christians."

(Thanks to RcktMan's Launching Pad for the video)

Maybe It's Just A Misprint On My Calendar

Damn leap year. Makes it feel like we're stuck with Bush for an extra day.

Well, As Long As They Don't Also Travel Back In Time...

Here's something new to worry about: Killer robots.

A British terrorist expert warns that as robots become more sophisticated and cheaper to build, they may become the weapon of choice for militants. Already, a GPS guided drone can be put together for less than $500.

No word as yet from Osama bin Laden on how that whole virgin thing will work with robots sent on suicide missions.

Recognizing Danger In Nature

Three Republicans are walking through a forest when they spot a set of tracks.

The first Republican says, "Hey, deer tracks!"

The second Republican says, "No, they're obviously dog tracks!"

The third Republican says, "You're both nuts. They're cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Let's Pray The Bollworms Don't Eat His Underwear

What? Maxim Has Articles?

Maxim magazine has apologized for a negative review of the latest Black Crowes CD. It turned out that the writer hadn't actually bothered to listen to the entire disc before passing judgment on it.

Not that it really matters. I'm yet to meet anyone who actually reads Maxim.

I Just Hope They Don't Eat My Underwear

Over the course of the last ten years, scientists have produced a number of genetically modified crops that were resistant to various insects. This was accomplished by inserting a gene that caused the plants to produce a chemical toxic to bugs. Pretty clever stuff, eh?

Now evidence has arisen that a type of bollworm, a type of caterpillar which loves to eat cotton plants, has developed a resistance to the chemical. The insects have been found in Mississippi and Arkansas, and are happily munching away on the modified crops.

Hmmm.... Could this be evidence of--GASP!!!!--evolution? Or did God get bored and intelligently design a brand new bollworm just to f*ck with us?

No word yet on this important subject from the Mike Huckabee campaign.

We're Gonna Need A Bigger Shovel

Maybe Gilbert Gottfried Should Run Instead

Ralph Nader, concerned that some people may have forgotten how annoying he is, has announced that he is making yet another third party run for the White House. This will be his fifth attempt. Many still blame Nader for costing Al Gore the 2000 race by taking votes that otherwise would have gone to the Democrats. In other words, Ralph Nader is the man most responsible for giving us George W. Bush.

In fact, Ralph Nader may well be the only individual walking the face of the Earth today who is even more annoying than Gilbert Gottfried.

Now That's Inspiring

Taking Potassium To New Heights

Quite frankly, that business with the spy satellite that was shot down earlier this week had me all confused. There was a lot of technical jargon that I just didn't get. Fortunately I came across this video at Bad Astronomy that explained the physics involved in terms that I can finally understand.

Hope This, Pal

Well, the good news is that even if Hillary Clinton does get the Democratic nomination and goes on to win the election in the fall, she and Bill already see an important position for Barack Obama in the White House.

Soon We'll Have To Pour Our Own Lattes

Economic experts with PhD's can keep debating all they want about whether we're in a recession if they want. But for most of us, the argument was settled with Starbucks' announcement that they are laying off 600 employees and closing underperforming stores.

If Starbucks can't make money, we may as well start heading for the nearest soup kitchen.

OMG

Proof That President Bush Is Evil

He eats kittens.

Careful What You Wish For

Well, we've been pushing Pakistani President Musharraf to become less of a dictator and to institute more political freedom. Under pressure from us, he gave up his position as leader of the country's military. Then last week Musharraf allowed parliamentary elections. Unfortunately for him, his political party was soundly defeated. Now his days as President may be numbered. It's unclear who will be taking over, and more importantly, where that leaves the United States.

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HD DVD Owners Told To Bend Over

Unlike the fight for the Democratic presidential nomination, the battle between Blu Ray and HD DVD has come to an end. Toshiba announced today that it will stop manufacturing its HD DVD players next month. Given recent developments, the move is hardly a surprise.

Last week saw announcements from both Netflix and Wal-Mart that they will stop carrying HD DVD products. Best Buy, while at least still carrying the players and DVD's, had begun posting notices in their stores that they would only recommend Blu Ray. And all this comes a month after Warner Brothers' decision to stop releasing movies in HD DVD.

So what does this mean for suckers--er, consumers--who had previously invested in HD DVD? Are they on the receiving end of a re-enactment of Ned "You Look Just Like A Hog" Beatty's famous scene from Deliverance while a Sony salesman plays the part of the horny hillbilly? Will HD DVD owners end up squealing like pigs.... In glorious 5.1 surround sound? Afterwards will they be smoking cigarettes, walking funny, and sticking those HD DVD players in the garage along with the betamaxes and 8-tracks?

Not necessarily. HD DVD players will still play regular good ol' fashioned stoneage era DVD's. Additionally, they will take those discs and "upconvert them" to near-hi def quality.

Still, I'd be wary of Japanese guys with missing teeth who ask you to take off your pants.

Chicken Little Was Right

Phil at Bad Astronomy has prepared an informative video about the anticipated shootdown of that spy satellite. Among other things, it covers the differences between what we're doing (150 miles high) vs. what the Chinese did (500 miles).

One other point to be made about the hydrazine tank: A similar tank from the Columbia space shuttle survived re-entry in 2003 (though it was pretty much empty since it was at the end of its mission).

Some people have also argued that since the Earth's surface is 75% water, the odds are that the satellite would have 'harmlessly' landed in the ocean anyway.

I personally know some whales that would take issue with that definition of 'harmlessly.'

More importantly, it still leaves a 25% chance that it would impact on land. And while it's certainly true that no one has yet been killed by falling space debris, do we really want to push our luck? Besides, I'm not sure if my car's insurance covers flaming spy satellite debris.

Looking at it another way, this satellite thing is a great argument in favor of global warming. As glaciers and ice caps melt, ocean levels rise. This means that in another 20 years or so, the Earth's surface will actually be, say, 85% water and 15% land. Consequently, we'll be that much safer from falling satellites!

One Flew Over The Republicans' Nest

There has been a lot of talk lately about drugs in baseball, and that's just silly. Who cares? The real problem facing America today is drugs in the Republican party, and it ain't just steroids. We're talking about pot, LSD, heroin, ecstasy, and possibly even counterfeit Viagra obtained through spam emails.

A serious charge? Yes, but it's the only rational explanation for the latest buzz among members of the once and former Grand Old Party: There are Republicans out there who actually think it would be a great idea if John McCain were to pick Condoleezza Rice as his vice presidential running mate! They even a website called Think Condi 08. These nutjobs seriously believe that putting her on the ticket would be the best way to counter the eventual Democratic nominee, regardless or whether it ends up being Obama or Hillary.

This of course raises the question: What are these people smoking, and where can I get some of it?

Rice is too closely tied to Bush and the Iraq fiasco to be a viable candidate. If the people supporting her her for vice president don't understand this, they need to be put on anti-psychotic medication immediately. It's for their own safety, as well as the protection of society as a whole.

It would probably also be a good idea to keep these people away from matches and sharp objects. Home confinement is advisable as well.

Better yet, let's waterboard them.

When President Bush Goes Fishing

Calling E.T.

A new study suggests that many stars in our galaxy have clouds of dust orbiting them, greatly increasing the likelihood that they will also have Earth-like planets. That, in turn, greatly increases the odds that some of them will be hospitable to life.

Heck, if all you need is a bunch of dust, I've got entire solar systems living under my bed!

So Much For Our Privacy

Found a site that enables you to look up the drivers license of anyone in the United States. All you need to have to begin the search is a name and likely state of residence. It's an interesting database, but one has to also wonder if making this kind of information available to the general public isn't a serious violation of privacy laws.

A Message To The People Of France

Apparently many French are embarrassed by President Nicolas Sarkozy's behavior. They're upset by his love of yachts and private jets, and the fact that he married his super model girlfriend after knowing her for only 80 days. Many go as far as to question his mental health.

As an American, I can only say to the people of France: Shut up!!! You have nothing to be ashamed about. Has your President invaded a country, then lied about his rationale for doing so? Has your President caused tens of thousands of deaths through his foolhardy actions? Did your President defy world opinion by saying "we'll go it alone," invading that country anyway, then when it became obvious he had f*cked up, turn around and tell the world it was their duty to help? Has your President's generally reckless pursuit of foreign policy alienated the majority of the world?

Has your President turned his back on everything science has taught the world and questioned the validity of evolution? Has your President repeatedly shown a blatant disregard for your nation's Constitution? Has your President used some sort of twisted logic to justify the very kind of torture that your nation once prosecuted Japanese soldiers for using pm your own troops?

Has your President repeatedly mangled your native language?

Does your President try to maintain public support by invoking fear?

If you answered "no" to any of the above questions, you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

Brace Yourself For The Good News

Up, Up, And Away.... In More Ways Than One

The Israeli Air Force is considering giving anti-impotence drugs to its pilots in an effort to improve their flying and combat skills. Specifically, Cialis™ contains an ingredient that improves breathing in a thin atmosphere. The findings are based on a study done on Mount Kilimanjaro.

One potentially dangerous side effect, however, is that pilots may occasionally grab the wrong joy stick.

Forget The Navy. Send Cheney And His Shotgun.

President Bush has ordered the United States Navy to shoot down a malfunctioning spy satellite. Without any intervention, the satellite is expected to return to Earth later this month or early March. However, its descent would be completely uncontrolled, and larger pieces would likely survive their fiery plunge back to Earth. That also means that those remains could end up anywhere, including your backyard.... Even worse, MY backyard. Of particular concern is a fuel tank holding highly toxic rocket fuel.

Of course, given his track record, Bush may end up ordering the wrong satellite to be shot down.

International Burnouts

The last one would have been much more realistic if the guy had blown up at the end.

Coming Soon To A Nursing Home Near You

Personally, I'm already looking forward to the fifth movie of the series, Indiana Jones And The Lost Social Security Check.

Beyond Mature

The Hubble Space Telescope has photographed a galaxy believed to be almost 13 billion light years from Earth. That would mean we're seeing it as it looked shortly after the Big Bang itself.

If further analysis of the data confirms its age, that would mean this galaxy is even older than John McCain's mother.

Sick But Funny

One Nightmare Ends But Another Goes On

Good news, America!! Our long national nightmare is finally over!! No, no. Not the Bush presidency. There's still 343 days of that left.

I was referring to our OTHER long national nightmare: The Hollywood writers' strike. They're voting tonight, and the new contract is expected to be approved. That means the writers themselves should be back to work tomorrow. This is wonderful news for those of us who have seen the same five episodes of Big Bang Theory ten times.

Most shows should start airing fresh episodes by April, though a few won't be back till next season. For example, Fox has decided to finish filming the current season of 24 but to hold them until NEXT January. Here's the latest list of shows that will be back with fresh episodes, as well as series that are going to wait until the fall.

Meanwhile, Jericho returns tonight with the first of its final seven episodes (The scripts had been written prior to the strike). You may recall that the series about a small Kansas town struggling to survive after some sort of nuclear attack on the country had actually been canceled at the end of last season. Viewers had been left hanging just as a neighboring town launched an attack on Jericho. The resulting uproar --driven mostly by fans over the internet--caused CBS to re-evaluate its decision and "uncancel" the show.... Sort of. The network ordered the seven more episodes in an effort to resolve the cliffhanger and bring some sort of closure to the Jericho storyline.

The real message for TV executives hidden in the Jericho tale is not about whether or not to cancel marginal series. Quite frankly, Jericho just wasn't that all that great. Interesting, yes, but it was no Shakespearean work of art for the ages. And I admit that even though I was a devoted fan.

The real lesson was that if you're running a TV network and you commit to a serialized drama, have the balls to see it through. Even if the show turns out not to be pulling in American Idol size numbers, you still owe some sort of sense of closure to the fans. If you end up pulling the plug prematurely as you did with Invasion or The Nine, you're still going to be pissing off a few million people. And if you burn them once--or several times--they will be far more reluctant to commit to your shows in the future.

How To Make A Republican's Head Explode

If there's one thing conservative Republicans absolutely despise, it's illegal immigration.

If there's one thing conservative Republicans absolutely love, it's Ronald Reagan.

Now tell them that in 1986, Reagan signed into law a bill granting amnesty to illegal immigrants.

Quickly put on a pair of goggles to protect your eyes from splattering brain matter.

Grammy Crackers

One of the big winners at last night's Grammys was British songstress Amy Winehouse, who captured five awards. Among the categories she won were song of the year, album of the year, and best new artist. Unfortunately, however, she wasn't able to accept the awards in person. The United States had initially denied her visa because of pending drug charges in England. Although an exemption was granted late last week, it came too late for her to make the necessary travel arrangements to Los Angeles.

Winehouse also won a surprise Lifetime Achievement Grammy for being "The One Singer Possibly More F*cked Up Than Britney Spears."

Pride In One's Work

Just Rewards

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses the man, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

So the cab driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and proudly booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of SaintMary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a cab driver and he got a silken robe and golden staff. That can't possibly be right. How can you possibly justify such a difference in rewards?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. But while he drove, people prayed."

--From an email

Duh

Singing Nonuplets

Why No One Has Ever AccusedBush Of Being Good In Geography

According to the annual threat assessment released by National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell this week, a resurgent Al Qaeda is increasingly becoming a greater threat to the United States and other nations. According to the report, the terror group is making use of camps in Pakistan where it can train new operatives to launch attacks against Afghanistan, "the Middle East, Africa, Europe and the United States."

Well, good thing the war in Iraq--located three countries over from Pakistan--has made us safer.

And The Field Narrows..... Just A Little

The "Super Tuesday" primaries earlier this week did nothing to clear up the Democratic race. Barack Obama won more states; Hillary Clinton won more delegates.

On the Republican side, however, it did have the effect of making John McCain the clear frontrunner. Then yesterday the Arizona Senator's nomination became his for taken when his chief rival, Mitt Romney, dropped out of the race.

Technically, Ron Paul and Mike Huckabee remain in the race. Paul, despite the fervent ardor of his supporters, has proven to be a none-factor. And while he had some interesting ideas, some serious questions about past statements and positions were also raised.

That leaves Mike Huckabee, who continues to talk of his candidacy as though it were some sort of religious quest to save the souls of all Americans. Most sensible Republicans were scared off by his recent humdinger:

"I believe it is a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."

And if, as a freedom-loving American, that wasn't enough to make you shit your pants, you need to seriously get your hands on some Metamucil ®.

Still, Huckabee did manage to win several southern states on Tuesday. Among them were Alabama, Tennessee, and Arkansas, which also happened to be three of the states hit the hardest by tornadoes the very same day.

Obvious, isn't it? God was punishing them for supporting Huckabee.

You Know What They Say About Guys With Big Shoes....

Call Me Picky, But....

The thing the Super Bowl is most known for is the commercials (the football game is merely there to fill the time between the ads). One of the better ones this year was the one Justin Timberlake did for Pepsi. He gets dragged all over town as a girl sucks on her straw (insert dirty "chrome off a bumper" joke here).

At one point Timberlake gets dragged across a girls' soccer field and one lucky player manages to grab his right shoe as a souvenir. But when he ends up slamming crotch first into a mailbox pole, it's his left shoe that's missing. And by the time he finally ends up in the yard of the girl sucking on the straw (insert dirty "chrome off a bumper" joke, part II, here), it's his right shoe that's once again missing.

Not being able to tell his right foot from his left is the kind of stupid thing you'd expect from President Bush. But Justin Timberlake?!?!? Sorry, but he just lost my vote.

At $2.7 million for a 30 second ad, you'd think someone would have paid attention to his damn footwear.

Theology 101

There are certain religious leaders in this country who like to say that catastrophes are God's way of smiting us for one thing or another. After Katrina, for example, they said the storm was the lord's way of punishing New Orleans (ignoring that Mississippi was hit even harder by the storm's full fury) for that city's lax attitude toward morals in general and gays in particular. The idiots known as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell once said the 9-11 attacks were God's way of punishing us for giving gays more rights. And then there's the assholes at Westboro Baptist church who like to show up at the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan with protest signs saying that the wars are God's punishment for America giving gays more legal rights.

If you ask me, religious leaders spend a suspicious amount of time thinking about homosexuals, but that's a post for another day.

So how do they explain what's been happening in the south during the last 24 hours or so? Massive storms have hit a number of southern states, spawning numerous tornadoes, and killing dozens of people in Tennessee and Arkansas.

America's south is known for being very conservative and pious. Heck, that's why it's called the Bible belt. If there's on thing these people hate it's lax morals. Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee, who recently suggested that the U.S. Constitution should be changed to better reflect "God's laws," even served as governor of Arkansas for several terms.

So then why is God punishing the south? Shouldn't he have sent those tornadoes to where the gay people are, like Massachusetts and California? What happened? Was it a shipping error? Bad intelligence? Did His GPS malfunction? Why does God even need GPS? If He made the Earth in six days, shouldn't he pretty much know the place like the back of his hand? Does God even have hands? How does He keep them busy? Aren't idle hands the devil's tools?

Guess the lord really does work in mysterious ways.

Keeping Your Priorities Straight

'I'm More Of A Religious Psychopath'--'No, I Am'

Today is Super Tuesday, which has nothing to do with a day of the week that rescues the other days of the week when they fall down a well or something. Rather, it refers to the fact that almost two dozen states will be holding primaries today.

On the Republican side, the contest has pretty much narrowed down to being between Arizona Senator John McCain and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. The two have have spent much of the last few days arguing about which of them is more conservative.

It is unclear if they are referring to the definition of "conservative" as it applied during the Reagan years (a smaller Federal government and responsible government spending), or the new, more modern definition of conservative (a Federal government that forces you to live according to someone's interpretation of the Bible, advocates scuttling the Constitution, and wants to run up deficits like there's no tomorrow).

Who Really Wears The Pants In Iran

The Bush White House loves to demonize Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but the truth of the matter is that the Iranian President really doesn't have that much power. The people that really run Iran are the religious Mullahs. Chief among them is Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who is the true ruler of Iran.

Ahmadinejad was recently a little slow in distributing gas supplies to remote villages. The Ayatollah stepped in, put his foot in Ahmadinejad's skinny little ass, and ordered that the delivery of the needed gas be expedited. When word of the Ayatollah's actions reached Parliament, many members cheered.

Some observers take this as sign that Ahmadinejad's days as President may be numbered.

Using Your Head

In all the various accounts of last night's Super Bowl, sportswriters kept talking about Eli Mannings' pass to Plaxico Burress that won the game with 35 seconds to go.

Impressive? Sure. But the truth of the matter is that the opportunity for that touchdown was made possible by another play moments before. And it's that other play that will be on highlights reels for years to come.

With just over a minute to go, Giants quarterback Eli Manning went back to pass when he was swarmed by three Patriots linemen. He was completely surrounded, and two of them were holding onto Mannings' jersey. You just knew he was going down. He had to. There was just no way he could get out of this.

Yet somehow Manning managed to break the tackles and throw the ball. Receiver David Tyree jumped high, reached up, and somehow managed to catch the pass.... With his head.

Not Quite Perfect

Today's Super Bowl was supposed to be a coronation for the New England Patriots, and the first "perfect" season since the Dolphins more than a third of a century ago.

The Giants, however, apparently failed to get the memo. With 35 seconds left in a gripping, edge of your seat game, New York pulled ahead 17-14 and held on for dear life. And when the clock finally wound down, they managed to emerge victorious.

As for New England, well, they did manage to finish the season with 18 victories and one loss. And yes, an argument can be made that an 18-1 record is still better than the Dolphins' 17-0 (in 1972 it was still a 14 game regular season). But as impressive as the Patriots' record may be, it doesn't qualify as a perfect season.

Besides, it was about time I finally got one right.

Super Bowl Sunday

In another 13 hours so the Super Bowl will be over, and we'll know if the New England Patriots will succeed in pulling off the first undefeated season since the 1972 Miami Dolphins. The smart money is on the Patriots, and consequently they're 12 point favorites.

However, I have to go with the New York Giants. They've been on a tear for their last four games and have repeatedly confounded the experts. In fact, their opponent for the last regular season game was New England, and the Giants damn near won. The Giants led for almost the entire game, and it was only the closing minutes that the Patriots pulled ahead to win 38-35. That was the closest any team had come all year to knocking off New England.

Some will argue that the Patriots had already secured home field advantage through the playoffs and didn't have anything on the line in that contest. But the same can be said of the Giants; they already their wildcard playoff berth secured. If anything, the Giants had less to lose in that game; New England was at least still looking to preserve their undeeated record.

And let's not forget that the Giants also succeeded in beating the Packers.... In Green Bay.... in minus 24 windchill temperatures. Absolutely miserable conditions, and the Giants proved their mettle.

On the other hand, what the hell do I know? I predicted Kerry would beat Bush.

Ground Hog Day Resolution?

America's long national nightmare may be about to end.... No, NOT the Bush presidency. There's still another 353 days to go before we wake up from that one.

However, the other nightmare--the Hollywood writers' strike--may be about to end. According to some reports, the thorniest issues--dealing with compensation for material distributed over the internet--have been resolved. An end to the work stoppage could be announced next week. Assuming this is true, there's no word on how soon the various affected TV series can start producing fresh episodes.

Happy Ground Hog Day

Planet Earth

Here's a video that captures the beauty and glory of Mother Nature and the miracle of a humble planet called Earth.

By the way, if you're at work, you're gonna wanna turn the volume down on this. Seriously.