Hancock

I went to see Will Smith's new movie Hancock earlier today. Despite the negative reviews, I liked it.

The movie does start off as a lot of fun. Hancock is a washed up and perpetually drunk superhero with an attitude problem, who spends his off time sleeping on park benches. His occasional forays into the field of crime fighting usually end up causing more problems than they solve. In the initial chase scene, he flies after some bad guys in an SUV. While trying to catch them, Hancock manages to fly into an overhead highway sign, knocking it down onto several pursuing police cars. He finally catches them, picks up their car, and leaves them stuck on the spire of the Capital Records building. Along the way he manages to seriously damage several other skyscrapers, leading one city official to complain that the so-called hero's latest foray into crime fighting ended up doing $9 million in damage.

Later he ends up saving Jason Bateman (formerly of Arrested Development) from getting hit by a train. Of course, in the process, Hancock manages to wreck several other cars and cause a major derailment.

The good news is that Bateman turns out to be a PR guy in search of a client, who then sets out to rehabilitate Hancock's image. And what better way to do it than by having the superhero surrender for one of the many arrest warrants out for him and go to jail.

This also sets up one of the movie's funniest scenes: Hancock arrives in prison and is immediately confronted by several burly inmates, most of whom are in there because of him. Hancock threatens to shove one guy's head up another's ass if they don't move. They don't, and he does. But what really makes the scene is the reaction of the other inmates, who are suddenly reduced to screaming in horror at the spectacle of violence that unfolds before them.

The crime rate in LA inevitably begins to rise, and soon the chief of police is forced to call on Hancock to end a particularly nasty hostage standoff at a bank.

And up to this point the movie works really well. It's light with plenty of laughs.

It's shortly after the bank sequence that the movie begins to take a darker and more serious turn. Without revealing any spoilers, I'll just say that we do learn a little about Hancock's origins and his weaknesses. Personally I thought it was adequately explained, though just barely. Any more dwelling on it, and the plot probably would have started to drag.

And therein lies the movie's strongest suit: It moves quickly and never really drags. On the other hand, it also barely runs 85 minutes from the opening scene to the start of the closing credits. That almost qualifies as a ripoff given today's ticket prices. But it also means that the producers should have had time to come up with a few more action scenes showing why the people of Los Angeles so thoroughly dislike Hancock.

If you do decide to see the movie, don't rush out of the theater the moment it ends. There is one more short scene about a minute into the credits.

Klaatu Barada Nikto, Dude!

Among the various trailers before the movie was one for a new Keanu Reeves film due out in December: A remake of 1951's classic The Day the Earth Stood Still. Left unanswered, however, is the question of WHY?!?!? Was there something wrong with the original black & white version? Aren't some things best just left alone? Did mankind learn nothing from its failed flirtation with New Coke?

The problem with a remake, especially when it's of a true classic, is that more often than not it ends up ruining the reputation of the original. And even if some moron Hollywood executive did ultimately decide that--for some ungodly reason--a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still was somehow a good idea, did they have to get Keanu Reeves for the part of Klaatu? And who are they going to stick in the Gort costume? The guy who played Ted?

Actually, it wasn't clear from the preview whether there's even going to be a Gort robot in this one. There's a shot of a huge sphere rising from the ocean, but it's unclear if that's the spaceship or some sort of destructive device. That's followed by quick scenes of various things disintegrating into dust, including a stadium.

The REAL Price per Gallon

Expect a Caffeine-Free Armageddon

In another sign that the end times are rapidly approaching, Starbucks has announced planes to close 600 stores and lay off 12,000 employees.

Guess when the four horsemen horsemen of the apocalypse finally do come thundering across the sky, they won't be drinking vanilla lattes.

Astute Political Analysis

Nice Dirt

A chemical analysis of soil by the Mars Polar Lander has revealed some surprising results: It's slightly alkaline. This is important because had it been acidic--which is what the scientists had expected--it would pretty much have ruled out the possibility of life on the red planet. As it stands, however, the soil is, in fact, quite friendly to its development.

According to mission scientist Samuel P. Kounaves, "you could probably grow asparagus" in the soil. Kounaves failed to explain, however, just why the hell anyone would want to grow asparagus anywhere.

Still, it is important to note that while Martian dirt may be conducive to life, it doesn't necessarily mean that there are little green humanoids running around the planet ready to shove anal probes up the tuchus of the first human they see.

Why Republicans Pray

Relief for Our Worries Is on the Way

Wonderful news, everyone! The end of the Iraq war, relief from high oil prices, an end to the recession in America, and a solution to the dangers posed by global warming may ALL finally be in sight!!

Scientists in Switzerland are about to switch on the so-called Large Hadron Collider. If you haven't heard of it, the LHC is essentially a 17 mile circular particle accelerator that will test some unproven theories in physics, such as the existence of dark matter, dark energy, and quarks. Scientists are very excited about the thing, and have their pocket protectors in knots over the treasure trove of knowledge that it will provide mankind.

On the other hand, there is the slightest teeny-tiny chance, however unlikely, that it will create a massive black hole that will suck up the entire known universe, including New Jersey.

Just Another Same Sex Marriage

Happy Anniversary

It was exactly 100 years ago this very minute that a mysterious, massive explosion occurred over the skies of Siberia, flattening 800 square miles of trees and knocking people hundreds of miles away off their feet.

The exact cause of the Tunguska Event (named for a river in the area) remains unknown, but most scientists think it was either an asteroid or comet. One of the difficulties in pinning down the exact nature of what happened is that there is no actual crater. The reason, say some experts, is that the object either exploded or vaporized in the atmosphere before actually reaching the ground. More recently, other scientists have discovered that remains of whatever did hit the Earth may be buried in a nearby lake.

There are, of course, plenty of other theories. Most are dismissed as downright ridiculous by the established scientific community. One holds that the nuclear power plant of an alien spaceship malfunctioned and blew up. Another theory is that the Earth encountered a small chunk of antimatter. And a more recent idea is that there was a huge release of methane from underground that somehow ignited.

Then there's my own personal theory, completely unfounded in rational thought and without a modicum of evidence to back it up, except for my personal interpretation of the Bible: A herd of caribou in the Tunguska region had recently legalized same sex marriage, and God was smiting them.

Hasta la Vista, XP

Tomorrow is the day Microsoft officially pulls the plug on Windows XP.... More or less. Although most computer manufacturers will no longer be able to sell machines loaded with XP, there will be some exceptions.

Chief among those are the so-called "subnotebooks," such as the Asus eee laptop. Those machines simply don't have the ability to run a memory hog such as Vista (the Asus, depending on the exact model, has as little as a 4 gig hard drive). If not for XP, the only other operating system for those tiny laptops would be Linux, and apparently Microsoft isn't ready to completely surrender the subnotebook market.

Also, customers who do buy a Vista machine will still be able to purchase an "XP downgrade," but only at additional cost. In other words, Microsoft is going to force Vista on you whether you want it or not.... Much like what happens when you drop your soap in a prison shower.

Microsoft also says that Windows Seven will be out in early 2010. However, don't look for any improvements with that. The company says that Seven will run "off the same core architecture as Windows Vista." In other words, if you already hate Vista, you're gonna really, REALLY despise Windows Seven.

Given their policy of repeatedly alienating and antagonizing customers, the people at Microsoft must think they're running an airline.

Well, there's always Apple.

Breaking News

Hey, Baby!

WTF?

After weeks of inducing mass hysteria over tomatoes, the Food & Drug Administration now says that they may NOT be the source of a recent salmonella outbreak after all. The fresh doubt arises because people are still getting sick, long after the suspect tomatoes were pulled from stores and restaurants.

FDA investigators are now backtracking to see if some other fruit or vegetable is the culprit, or if the contamination is somehow spreading to otherwise clean food in warehouses.

What's next? Is someone going to tell us that there weren't actually any WMD's in Iraq, and that the whole thing was just a false alarm?

Send No Money Now

A Washington state woman has been sentenced to two years for running one of those Nigerian email scams. Victims were duped into cashing checks on behalf of someone overseas, then sending most of the funds back to the source while keeping the remainder as payment. Problem was that the checks were later discovered to be fake, and the helpful victims would end up being liable for the entire amount.

Okay, so the woman who thought this scheme up is in jail. But what about the people who were dumb enough to fall for it? Is it fair to future generations of mankind that these people are allowed to remain free and breed, thereby forcing down the average IQ of future, as yet unborn human generations?

Whatever. I don't have time to pontificate on the stupidity of others. I have to go help a recently deposed African prince smuggle his family's $30 million fortune out of his country, and for some reason he needs my bank account information to do it.

Gosh, I feel so special!

Meanwhile, Down at the Ol' Swimming Hole....

Your Deficit Dollars in Action

A new report by the Pentagon says that it will cost $100 billion (yes, that's the one a "b") to replace or repair equipment that is being worn out or damaged by the Iraq war. That includes everything from rifles to planes to armored vehicles. The situation is so dire, in fact, that the cost of equipment replacement may jeapordize a plan to add 92,000 soldiers and marines. This is above and beyond the $10-15 billion a month that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are already costing us.

I say we take it out Bush's retirement benefits.

Just Don't Wipe and Drive

I want one of these for MY car!

Going Home for a Spin

An Italian architect has proposed building an 80 story "rotating" skyscraper. Each floor would be secured to a central concrete column, but then slowly rotate independent of one another depending on the wind. And since each floor would have a different design, the effect would be a building that constantly changes shape.

Sounds good. Maybe a moving target will be harder for terrorists to hit.