Or Maybe She Packed Kitty Litter

According to astronaut Lisa Nowak's attorney, his client did NOT wear a diaper during her 950 mile drive from Texas to Florida. He calls the allegation a vicious lie fabricated by the police. However, he apparently forgot to defend his client against the allegation that she's a raving homicidal loon.

So then what did Nowak do to avoid having to stop? Sit in a sloshing puddle of her own piss and poop?

Yeah, that's MUCH more dignified than wearing a diaper.

Why You Should Use A Cup When You Drink Beer

Found this at Negative, Ghostrider. The ad has supposedly been banned from TV, and it's not hard to see why.

Dingbat Alert

Ann Coulter, everyone's favorite female attack dog (and I think we all know what female dogs are called) is back in the news: This time she said that she would like to see Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards "killed in a terrorist assassination plot."

If nothing else, this is further evidence that Coulter isn't playing with a full deck.

But the story gets better: Edwards is now using Coulter's remarks in his own campaign advertising to raise funds. Good idea, eh? Except now Coulter is pissed off about that and is demanding that Edwards stop quoting her in his fund raising appeals. In other words, it's okay for Coulter to make death threats, but it's NOT okay for the target of those threats to quote her?!?!?!

I take it back. Coulter IS playing with a full deck. It's just that the jokers have taken over.

Good News Update

Except for the car bomb that killed 22 people at a Baghdad bus station and the 20 beheaded bodies found on the banks of the Tigris River, things are going really well in Iraq.

A Frightening Case Of Police Brutality

Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherf*cker!

It was the summer of 1988 when I went to see some silly action movie featuring some TV star. I figured it would be a good way to waste a couple of hours.

As it turned out, I was absolutely blown away and ended up falling in love with Bruce Willis.... In a strictly non-romantic, manly love kind of way, of course. Really. Though he did have really nice pecs.

Anyway, I went back and saw Die Hard another seven times in the theater. And when it came out on VHS, I bought the tape. And with eight theatrical viewings, Die Hard holds a record for me.

Some clarification on that record: I did spend more time sitting in a theater watching Titanic. With a running time of 3.5 hours, I spent 1260 minutes watching Jack & Rose's doomed love affair over the course of six viewings. Die Hard's eight viewings, at 2.25 hours each, only totals 1080 minutes.

I bring all this up because Live Free Or Die Hard--the fourth of the series--opened today. Is it worth the price of admission? I'd have to say yes, provided you like to see lots of things go boom. And any movie that can pull off a scene in which a police car sails through the air and crashes into a helicopter filled with bad guys has got to be good.

That said, it still doesn't quite compare to the original. Timothy Olyphant's bad guy just can't hold a candle to the suave and debonair Alan Rickman. And some of Bruce Willis' stunts are a bit of stretch for a 52 year old guy. But the important thing is that the wisecracks are still there. And that--as much as the action--is what makes a Die Hard movie.

Full Court Press

In a surprise move, an Iraqi tribunal has sentenced Paris Hilton to hang for crimes against humanity. No, wait, it's Saddam's cousin Chemical Ali that was sentenced to die. My bad!

Ms. Hilton, on the other hand, has been released from the LA County jail after serving 22 days of her 45 day sentence. The reduced time was for "good behavior," which apparently even spoiled little brats are capable of when absolutely necessary. Her release comes amid reports that she has "found religion," though it is not immediately clear what religion.

Finally, remember Roy Pearson, the guy with the $54 million pants? Well, there's been a verdict in the trouser trial of the century: The judge threw out his lawsuit against the drycleaners. This is a tough break for Pearson, who has been wandering the streets of DC in his boxers for the last three years. What's more, he may not have a job for much longer. His current interim term as an Administrative Law judge has expired, and the mayor is apparently reluctant to appoint him to a full ten year term.

The future is also in doubt for Jin and Soo Chung, the couple that owned the drycleaning establishment that was the target of Pearson's lawsuit. They are stuck with $100,000 in legal fees, and they're not sure if they can afford to keep the business running.

Those Are Some Tight Genes, Baby

Researchers now say that it should be possible to reconstruct the complete genome of Neanderthal man. Even though no complete DNA strand exists, some scientists say that by using several different samples we can fill in the gaps. If this can be successfully done, it should hopefully settle the longstanding debate over whether Neanderthals simply died off, or if they interbred with modern human and were thus absorbed into our gene pool. It should also establish whether the guys in those Geico commercials are actual cavemen, or simply actors in heavy makeup.

Not to be a spoilsport, but is it really necessary to waste all that time, money, and effort reconstructing 30,000 year old Neanderthal DNA just to see what it looked like? Wouldn't it be easier to just get a blood sample from President Bush?

Good News Update

Well, except for the 35 American soldiers killed during the past seven days, today's spurt of suicide bombings that claimed at least 46 lives, widespread disarray among the nation's leadership, and evidence that the recent buildup in American forces has failed to decrease overall violence across the country, things are going really well in Iraq.

Some Place New To Muck Up

A noted scientist has prepared a bold plan for terraforming Mars and making it suitable to support human life. According to Lowell Wood, who recently retired from the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, Mars is simply stuck in a "thermal depression." By introducing greenhouse gases, humans can begin to warm Mars and make it more Earth-like. He envisions the entire process being done by the end of this century.

Wood's proposal comes on the heels of a report from a scientist at the University of California at Berkeley which says that Mars once had two large oceans. If true, much of that water is still locked up inside the planet.

Of course, at the rate we're going now, it's the EARTH that's going to need terraforming to make IT suitable for human life by the end of this century

Super Quiz

Here's an interesting little quiz. It's only six questions, but the results are quite fascinating.

Floss This, Pal

This about sums up my visit to the dentist earlier today:

Great Aim. Good Thing There Were No Actual Terrorists Involved

There was some excitement at DC's Walter Reed Army Hospital yesterday when a situation arose that required one of the armed guards to open fire. Indeed, the circumstances were such that Dwan Thigpen judged it necessary to empty his entire magazine in a matter of seconds. No, he didn't do it to repel a terrorist attack. This was something much more serious, something that required full use of all his skills, honed by years of training: One of his coworkers called Thigpen "retarded."

In these sensitive times it is certainly understandable how such a politically incorrect term can offend people. Why use such a demeaning term when the phrase "mentally handicapped" can be used just as easily, and with much more dignity?

Anyway, Thigpen took umbrage at the description, pulled his gun, and began firing at his coworker. The sudden burst of gunfire sent everyone in the area, including passersby on the street, diving for cover.

The condition of the coworker? He's perfectly fine. Not a single scratch. Thigpen missed the guy with all ten shots. In fact, all he managed to hit was a couple of parked cars and a utility pole.

Guess maybe the coworker was right after all: Thigpen really is retarded!