Could You Scratch This For Me? Thanks.

Scientists have found that global warming may cause poison ivy to grow faster and become more potent. It seems that the nasty vine loves carbon dioxide, and as the levels of the gas in the atmosphere continue to increase, so will the prevalence of the plant.

This news is particularly disturbing to me. I once picked up a nasty rash while having a sexual encounter in some bushes. It wasn't really my fault, though. It just happened to be where I finally caught the sheep.

Perverts Can Be Cute

A swan in Germany has apparently fallen in love with a paddle boat shaped like, well, a swan. Peter Overschmidt, the owner of the business that rents the two seat boat, says the bird has not left the boat's side since it arrived earlier this month.

This is just another example of what can happen in those permissive countries that are so typical of Europe. They claim to be proud to be secular, but it's that sort of godless attitude that gives rise to such disturbing and unnatural behavior among the lord's creatures.

We would never tolerate that sort of thing in the United States. That's why we're proud to be led by a godfaring man like George Bush. He believes in the Bible, agrees that evolution is an unproven science, and isn't afraid to lie through his teeth in order to justify the invasion of Iraq. That's why we'll follow him anywhere.

And if that stupid swan had started behaving unnaturally here in America, Bush would have immediately ordered Cheney to shoot it.

Holy Anticipation

For anyone who cares, Angelina Jolie has given birth to a baby girl. She and Brad Pitt had been staying in Namibia. The government of that nation, which is located, um, overseas somewhere, went as far as to threaten to expel any celebrity photographers that tried to take the couple's picture.

To say that this is big news among the tabloid crowd would be to put it mildly. In fact, one magazine went as far as to say of the child, "It is the most anticipated baby since Jesus Christ."

Say what?

Now I'm the first to admit that I'm not overly religious, and I've never even read the Bible, but I'm fairly certain that none of the Gospels talk about Mary and Joseph fleeing to some stable in Bethlehem to escape the prying eyes of photographers.

Beyond Bad Taste

So I'm sitting at a traffic light earlier a couple of hours ago and I see this car in front of me with some campany logo in the back window. It says "Let's Roll Painting" and there's an American flag below the words. My first thought, of course, is what one of the guys on flight 93 said just before they rushed the cockpit back on 9-11. But as I continued to take in the full logo, it suddenly dawned on me that there is also a set of twin towers to the left of the words, sticking up out of the flag.

Am I the only one finds this absolutely repulsive?

The resolution in the photo isn't all that great, but I was able to track down their website through Google. You can get a clearer view of the logo there.

And At Some Point He Will Use A Chopstick To Kill A Man

So I guess this means that next year Jack Bauer will spend his day trying to escape from a Chinese cargo ship.

Hey Baby, Can I Buy You A Banana?

A new study suggests that before chimpanzees and mankind's ancestors parted ways 6.3 million years ago, the two groups interbred a lot. This sinful behavior apparently went on for over a million years before the two eventually distinct species parted ways for good. Scientists reached these surprising conclusions after careful study of DNA from both modern humans and chimps.

The implications of the study are actually much broader, suggesting that such crossbreeding between otherwise distinct groups is what eventually gives rise to all new species.

Creationists will, of course, pooh-pooh the idea. That's to be expected, but the scientific evidence supporting this theory certainly seems strong. Besides, such mating practices occur even today between humans and farm animals in West Virginia.

Time Management

Well, tonight is the two hour season five finale of "24," and it promises to be exciting. Or at least it better be, since I haven't watched the show all year.

But Lugosi, if you haven't been watching it, why would you possibly bother watching the final two episodes of the year?

Well, if you stop and think about it, the previous 22 hours have been a total waste of time. So the real question is why anyone would have bothered watching those earlier installments. After all, what really matters is how Jack Bauer finally ends his day.

Look at it this way: If you go on vacation to, say, Baghdad, will you really care about the flight to Iraq? No, of course not! What ultimately matters is your stay in the city itself, what happens while you're there, visiting the local sights, enjoying the native cuisine, getting kidnapped by insurgents, and wondering whether you'll eventually get to return home with your head still attached to your body. So by tuning in to the finale and ONLY the finale, I'm basically eliminating the boring downtime spent on the airplane.

The same principle also works with books. By reading only the last couple of pages of a book, I can go to Border's and knock off the entire New York Times bestseller list during my lunch hour!

Big Hill Go Boom

The Mount Merapi volcano in Indonesia has been showing increased levels of activity, and scientists fear it may be nearing a major eruption. Should that happen, searing clouds of hot gas and debris will race down the mountainside and destroy everything in its path.

Most residents of threatened villages have heeded the government's advice and fled. Nonetheless, there are some who have stayed behind and taken a unique approach to the danger:

In one of the nearby villages, hundreds of people lit incense and set rice, fruit and vegetables floating down a river in a ceremony they believed would appease the spirits and prevent an eruption.

Sounds like they've been listening to one of Bush's "science" advisors.

Two Weeks, Two Funerals

For the second Saturday in a row, northern Virginia was the scene of a Fairfax County police officer's funeral. Michael Garbarino, seriously wounded in an ambush shooting on May 8, died of his wounds this past Wednesday and was laid to rest this afternoon. Detective Vicky Armel, who was killed in the same attack, was buried last week. Both services were held at McLean Bible Church.

While the 18 year old killer's parents continue to refuse to talk to police, they did issue a statement offering their condolences to the families. One thing that became clear about the killer during the past week is that his parents and friends all realized he was becoming increasingly delusional. Numerous attempts were made to get him treatment, but all were for one reason or another unsuccessful. However, no one seemed to realize that he was dangerous, and that apparently limited treatment options.

The ploy for sympathy, however, still does not explain why the family had 16 guns in their house, including an AK-47. An AK-47!?!?!? And just why the hell would someone need a freakin' machine gun in the suburbs? To deter squirrels from getting into the bird feeder? What's even more frightening about this is that apparently all the weapons were legally owned. Any system that allows that sort of accumulation of weaponry in private hands is seriously flawed, regardless of what the National Rifle Association may say.

It remains to be seen who or what is most at fault in this tragic situation. Was it the parents, for allowing the weapons in the house? Was it the mental healthcare system, for failing to recognize the danger posed by a sick teenager? Or was it absurdly lax gun control laws, constantly pushed by the NRA, that allowed a deranged individual access to such deadly weapons?

Regardless of who or what failed, two officers are dead, four children have lost a parent, and an entire community has been left in mourning.

Monkeying Around

In a startling discovery, scientists have discovered that some apes can actually plan ahead.

Both orangutans and bonobos were able to figure out which tool would work in an effort to retrieve grapes, and were able to remember to bring that tool along hours later, researchers report in Friday's issue of the journal Science.

In a series of laboratory tests the apes were shown the tools and grapes, allowed to retrieve grapes, and then removed from the area where the treats were available.

They were allowed back from one to 14 hours later and most were able to bring along the correct tool to get the treats....

So there you have it: Scientific evidence that a bunch of monkeys could have a done a better job planning the invasion of Iraq than the Bush administration.